I really hate my father!

baddad

Hi I posted here back in May about being really sick of my father and his goings on and things have not changed.
I'm an 18 year old guy and I'll be starting 6th year in September.
This is where my problem starts my father is a really dominating father and he doesn't care abot how anybody else feels. He is a farmer and he is 62. Very small farm and is on the dole for the last 11 years.
The problems begin with my house first of all. The house is real mess. On the outside there a 6 cars rusting just because he says that there his and he doesn't believe in jumping anything. There are also 4 traillers, block, rubish, tin cans, rools of wire just thown around the front of the house. The house itself is also a mess it hasn't being painteed in years and there is grass growing out of the guttering. The windows are also begin to rot.
The house is a really mess and there are a few guys in school and they drive out to see it just to laugh at it! Then they text me and make a mock of me over it. There was very few people who knew about my house up until a few months ago but now people are starting to drive it's become an attraction.
The inside isn't netter the kitchen is a mess. The utilty room which has the back door in it cannot be accesed because of my father rubbish. He doesn't believe in throwing anything away. The hall is a mess to it is full of his junk and boots and clothes he wears out on the farm. He can walk in civered in mud and crape and just sit down in the living room and out his feet up on a stool. The living room is also a mess the couch is covered in stuff belong to him there a things thrown all around the house belong to him. My parents bedroom is a mess as well the room is packed. It is full of books, news paper old clothes radio old tv an old washing machine. He has olso taken over my sister room. She moved out now. The only tidy room in the house is myne and he doesn't like this so he brought pallets in and put them in the middle of it. He kind of resented me being clean. He said I wasn't acting like a proper man.
He can be violents as well he says that the only way to rare a child is with the ash plant or the belt. He has lost his temper with me a few ties and most times it was only a few hits but these two stick in my head.
There was something on the news and He said someting and I didn't agree with him and I just said how I felt about the issue and he said you must respect me. He grabed by the throat and held me up against the door of the living room for about 5 minutes and he constanny hit me in the face and stomach. I had a black eye because of him and was covered in marks
The 2nd ones was alot worse and it still effests me even tough it happened 3 years ago.It was about 12 am at night in october. He cought me burning an old news paper. I was like sorry.He said not to disrespct him. i was like ok. Then he lost it with me and started slapping my face. He then told me to strip down and he got a belt at me. I was so sore and I was in so much pain I called him a fu*ker. He then grapped me and throug me out of the house with no clothes on for 3 hours. He told me when he let me back in that He said that he was the boss and what he said goes.
He hasn't hit me tough since I was 16 because I lashed back. Ye are probaly thinking now I am the most dysfunctinal and boldest chikd the way my father beat me but I'm not I have never got a note home from school. I am a very well behaved guy and I never cause anbody a bit of harm. I am a very dhy guy and I don't mix well this is prob because off my up brining. I have never had a friend over at my house or being at a friends house. The thing is I trid to cover my hoouse uo and I knew if I went to people's house when I was younger. There mams would have offered to drive me home and then they would have seeing my house and I didn't want that. I am really lonely now and have hardly any friends. I am just so sad the whole time and crying. I can't sleep and I'm having stupid night mares.
I also have another issue in my life. I'm gay and I know it. There is no point of saying your just confused but I really am. The thing is my parents don't like gay people they see tem as dirty rotten people. My father says they shold have it beat out of them or be shot. This effects me alot. He is also racist. I know if I did come out he would stop my mother from seeing me and I love her. He judt cares about him. Him and my mam only got married because dhe got pregent. He makes her agree with everything he says.
He is on the dole and he spends about 50%-60% on himself and his so called brillant farm.
He is constany complanning about ho people parents there children and he thinks e is doing a good job at it. He offers people advice and all.
I am just so sick of feeling so down. I;m going into 6th year and I'm just so sad I can't focus to study. People will tell me to move out and go to collage. Ya I want to go but I'm not smart enough. In my junior was omly avera
Maths O B
Irish O B
English O A
CSPE A
French H B
Business H C
Science H C
Geog H B
Wood H C
as you can see from these I'm not the brightest and I was told by my father that It was a very bad junior cert and he was ashamed of mr. My mother said she was happy but she wouldn't up set me by saying I did bad!
Any advice?
Sorry for the long post!
I just had to let it out.
Any advice?

fonpokno

baddad wrote: »

I am just so sick of feeling so down. I;m going into 6th year and I'm just so sad I can't focus to study. People will tell me to move out and go to collage. Ya I want to go but I'm not smart enough. In my junior was omly avera
Maths O B
Irish O B
English O A
CSPE A
French H B
Business H C
Science H C
Geog H B
Wood H C
as you can see from these I'm not the brightest and I was told by my father that It was a very bad junior cert and he was ashamed of mr. My mother said she was happy but she wouldn't up set me by saying I did bad!
Any advice?
Sorry for the long post!
I just had to let it out.
Any advice?

I'm afraid I can't offer advice on much in your post but I want you to be absolutely certain that you got a very very good Junior Cert. Six honours and As and Bs in your ordinary subjects is excellent. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are well capable of going to university and succeeding at whatever you choose to do there. Don't sell yourself short.

LegacyUser

except i'm a straight woman in her 30's!

op, i totally hear you. i grew up in such a aimilar situation to yours except in my case my mother was the violent one. our houses sound so alike though, i too have an older father and the farm always came first. for fecks sake they still don't have hot running water or central heating and there's rubbish and crap everywhere. i never had friends to stay when i was a kid. not once. i was so ashamed of them, the house. and i could never tell anyone because i genuinely thought we were so abnormal as a family.

i used to do my best when i lived at home but when i moved out i just gave up. i left home at 17 to go to college and apart from brief visits, like weekends, i've never been back. mostly becasue she would still throw me the odd punch or slap, but by then i only had pity towards her. by that time i could see that all the anger that she held for my father for not taking care of the house and spending every penny on the farm, well she took out on me. the first tome she beat me i was 4, the last time my mother battered me was when i was 24! i just stood there after she slapped me accross the face and said 'that's the last time you'll do that', and for whatever reason it was.

anyway, my main point is that you need to try and distance yourself from the shame of it. your father being violent and messy is his issue. and your mother putting up with it is her issue. you just have to rise above it, and keep yourself safe. if he harms you again you need to report it to someone if you can, because no matter what he does in the house, violence is wrong. would you mother not take your side? is there a teacher or school guidance councellor or someone else you trust?

and by the way your junior cert is excellent, please don't believe him when your father puts you down. you have all a's and b's!!!! get yourself a mantra you can say to yourself in your head when he's putting you down. it'll distract you from his negativity. i genuinely had a calender in my room when i went into 6th year, marking down the days until i could get out of there and into college. it gave me the focus i need to get a good leaving cert. i only got 2 c's in honours subjects btw, and i still got into college. far enough away from them that i could grow and heal and be my own person. that will happen for you too op. you'll be around people who don't give a crap what kind of house your parents live in, you'll be around other people who will be coming out, you'll be around people who value you for who you are, not where you came from. keep that goal in your head for the next year, and it will fly past.

i hope at least some of this was help, my heart goes out to ya. x

Mackman

^^+1

Thats a great Junior cert, i got a lot less than that and i went to college. Why not use the leaving cert as a motivator to get out of the house? The better you do, the better course in college you can get, then into a good job hopefully.

As for your dad hitting you, what does your mum think of it? does she know?

Milky Moo

You got a great Junior Cert! You could definitely go to college if you got the head down and studied.

Since your dad is a small farmer and on the dole you could probably get a grant to go to college also.

Your situation is horrible and I am so sorry that you have to live through that, I think college will be your escape.

Work hard, try to keep strong and remember your dad has his own issues, he is taking them out on you and you did nothing wrong!

Keep strong.

George Orwell 1982

Is there anyone you could confide in? A GP or a teacher or someone. Maybe get some support or help?

Neyite

well, you cant change your dad, but you can work towards leaving home asap:

if your school/library nearby can provide study area, so you are not stuck at home getting frustrated, use it. also look into weekends there too. work out a realistic timetable and try to follow it as best you can.

you got a great junior cert. mine was way worse, and for my leaving i only got one honour and passed the rest, and i still got a college course. ive supported myself since i left home at 18, and you will be well able to do that too.

there are a couple of ways you can achieve third level:
the most obvious route of good leaving cert = entry.
if you dont get this, there are always other entry routes:
you could apply to do a cert course, usually once you are in, its easy enough to follow on to do a diploma/degree that way.
a PLC course, often is a 'foot in the door' to a college qualification, or you could go working and do evening study (but this is probably more expensive as you dont get grant aid)

use your frustration with your home and your dad to your advantage to spur you on. if anything is a visual reminder to get the head down to the books for an hour or two, its the pallets in your room.

by the way, with regards to your sexuality - your parents dont really sound like they would welcome it with open arms anyway, but once you are in college, you are free to be who you are.

George Orwell 1982

Also when you go to college, avail of the college counselling service.

Hrududu

Thats not a terrible junior cert at all. I'd say kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Find somewhere like a library to study every evening. It will keep you out of the house and will be great for getting work done. Even use the time to just read or something, but by having that extra 2 hours or so out of the house you can decompress.

There are so many ways into higher education. Even if you don't get the best leaving you can get onto a cert and work your way up.

cooltown

Your father is a pig!
Do your best in 6th year!
Study, study, study.
Then get a collage course that your happy with.
Move out.
Only go back if you want.
Don't worry about being gay. It's normal.
You''ll meet new people at collage.
Seek help if you want. You have a medical card?
Go to the doctor and talk.
Hopefully get through collage and move out of home for good!
I hate the way people says your childhood is the best time of your life. When it's not. I am kind of in the same situation at home as you are at home. I've set out the plan above.
Hope things improve!

Fox McCloud

Your junior cert results look excellent! I calculated them roughly by leaving cert points and you would have gotten over 400 points, that is in the bracket of excellent results! I know the JC is different from the LC but if you were capable of that then theres no question of you not being able for university.

Do you have any idea what you'd like to do/where you'd like to go?
Try and get all the info on different colleges and choices now, it will spur you on to study over the year ahead if you have a concrete goal. I know it must be extremely lonely living there with your parents not having friends to escape to, but your really not alone in your situation. The house being a tip, having extremely difficult parents etc. are all very familiar. You'd be very suprised to know that theres probably alot of students in your school who have similar if not the same problems at home.

As for those guys who drive past your house, it says a hell of alot more about them than it does about you and your family! Imagine being so ignorant and low in yourself that you had to drive past run down looking houses to make yourself feel better!

To get through this year I would advise getting some serious adult support. Maybe talk to a teacher or school guidance councillor. I know it'l be embrasing as hell at first to go into their office and tell them all these things you like to keep as separate as possible from school but it really would help you to have that support in you life and undo all those bad thoughts your parents have put in your head about your academic abilites.

I wouldnt stress about being gay either for know. I mean, you never intended to tell your parents much about your love life in the first place right?! Whats changed, its really none of their business who you fancy.

LegacyUser

baddad wrote: »

as you can see from these I'm not the brightest

? That's good, it's obvious you are clever and mature from your post. Try and knuckle down, study hard, it's a good out. Maybe keep the head down, try not upset yourself, just avoid him if you can. Try and get to a city for college, you will meet like minded nice people. Best of luck baddad.

Ginja Ninja

I made a very similar thread about a month ago.

I'm the same,18 y.o. guy, unemployed farmer dad in his 60's who treats me like sh*t

I know it's hard[you're probably are/have been depressed,no one could expect anything less] I've been there,hold on and get one thing abundantly clear to yourself,regardless of what he says orhow he treats you,you're a better person than he is and you're going to make something of yourself

I'm going into second year in college now and let me tell you;there is so much more in life than what your used to.My one goal I focussed on is getting a degree and 5 years from now being able to rub a successful career in his face,even if it means stomaching all this abuse for a while.

One thing I'd seriously advise doing is letting it all out to someone/something.I started a blog a few months ago and it has quite literally saved my life, I would have exploded ages ago and either killed my self or beaten him half to death,but I did the intelligent and mature thing,I posted here just like you did.
This worked for me;get away somehow[stay with a friend or with your sister if you can] start a blog and write out all the things you hate about him,things he's messed up at,things you want to do or to prove to him/yourself or just how you feel at the time.

Also,if you can stop taking peoples crap, I'm assuming your angry at him[I'm truly shocked if you aren't] use it,don't let it ruin you let it ruin him.I know it's not a good solution and I usually don't condone it,but next time he hits you take all the resentment and hatred for him and beat the sh*t out of him whether verbally or physically three reasons:you'll feel better getting it out in the open,it's getting the point across in his language and it shows you've got the balls to stand up to him.He's a predator going after someone he sees as weak[you're not,you're unbelievably strong for putting up with it this long and doing so well in the exams] once you show him you're not afraid things will change and so will you.

I have to ask,where is your mother/sister in all this?do they know how he treats you? is it just you he acts like this towards? or are they like mine,making excuses for his behaviour?

remember,HE'S WRONG THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CHILD and be proud of your JC results,you actually sat it,which beats a good half of my class back then.A year from now you'll be heading to college and what may be the happiest year of your life

P.S:Sorry if any of that offended you or anyone else, but I know from experience life is hard enough when you're a teenager without someone going out of their way to f*ck it up,you're an exceptional young man[same age as me,but anyway] and no matter what anyone says or does,you're made of tougher stuff than most people.

Keep your chin up and keep us posted please, I'll try and give you wahtever advice I can and I genuinely mean that

-Alan

EDIT: I just re-read the post, you're JC results were better than mine were .I know from close friends it can be difficult growing up Gay, but that doesn't matter in the "real world" people usually don't care who you're into just who you are as a person[and an awesome one at that]
Focus on the dream:A year from now,you'll have a boyfriend,be living in/near college doing a course you love with people who genuinely care about you and have friends you can stay with or invite over to your beautifully clean apartment[trust me students would love you] all it takes is some focus in the LC and maybe a year out to save the money for college if your mother won't help at all[grants only go so far sadly] and you could be a whole new guy with a whole new life and a sad failure of a father rotting at home jealous of your success.Think up whatever dream you want,it's always a possibility

rathbaner

OP you say you hate your dad. Well it looks like he hates you too. So cut your losses.

Focus on your leaving cert. It is your passport to college and to a life where your sexual orientation is no one's business but yours.

If you get good enough grades you will get a grant too! Freedom beckons,

darad

You sound like a good kid who got unlucky with the father he was given. be strong and plan for your future, life will change for you and you will have control over where and what you do with it - good luck x

Wagon

Your JC was fine, not a thing wrong with it. Leaving Cert isn't even that important in the big scheme of things but try and keep busy with it. The year actually flies past when you're occupied and before you know it, you'll be filling out a CAO form and then it'll be summer. And then it'll be college and you'll be giving a two fingered farewell to that poxy house.

Look into getting a grant for college. Your dad has been on the dole for years so you will be entitled to it. You alos live in a rural area so if you landed a course in dublin or galway or cork, then you could get a grant to study in a city. Try and pick up a little part time work too (not easy these days i know, but its worth a try at least).

Keep the head down and talk as little as possible to him. He'll try and start a fight, keep ignoring him. That won't stop him all the time though so if he attacks you again, don't hesitate to kick the crap out of him. Also go to the guards, if not for your sake then at least your mothers.

myrtleville7

I agree with George Orwell 1982, the best thing you can do is speak to your doctor about it. No offence but this isn't the best place to be posting stories about emotional and mental trauma, members of your family might stumble upon it and tell your father about it, which just unleashes a whole mess of crap that you don't want. Talking to your doctor is the best thing you can do at this point, because your doctor will NOT discuss it with anyone you know,and will NOT tell your father about it unless he has your express permission. Also your doctor will help you out by maybe setting you up with a prescription like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety tablets, maybe even sending you to a psychotherapist or something. A psychotherapist will give you some very choice options about how to deal with the issue in a way that does not incur further conflict from your family members.

I know in a situation like this, your father may make you feel at times that you're drawing this kind of violent and abusive activity upon yourself, but this seems to be classic narcissistic behaviour to me. A psychotherapist will help you realise that there isn't much you can do to change the way your father behaves. He will always talk down to you, always treat you like dirt, and make himself out to be the victim and you to be drawing his abusive behaviour upon yourself. A psychotherapist will give you suggestions on how to deflect his behaviour, maybe channel your internal pain into something positive that you could benefit from somewhere down the line, and hopefully achieve a state of mind where at some point in your life, his behaviour will mean absolutely nothing to you, and you'll be free.

Hope that helps.

baddad

Thanks for the advice!
I just have to work at it and get out of this house as soon as I can. I was asked did I want to go to collage by one of his friends on Friday and I said yes and I said I wanted to do nursing. They both gave me a look and said that's a womans job and those dirty queers!
I am going to go into 6th year this week and i'm just going to do my best. I can do after school study so I'll do that and I'll spend as much time as I can outside of my house in school.
I am not happy and I'm dreading about going back to school because I'll know that they'll be people with something to say to me. I can't believe that i'm an 18 year old guy and I'm getting bullied by people in school and at home!
Thanks!

Fittle

With respect OP, your dad is an ass. Unfortunately, us parents try to do the best we can do, and sometimes, our best is not good enough for our kids. My own dad was a bit like your dad. What you have to understand is that your dad is just a man (Im not defending him) who probably never knew how to be a dad...it's his loss. You sound like a great guy.

Your JC results are brilliant and you have to be proud of yourself for doing so well DESPITE having an ass for a dad. Pat yourself on the back. I would say try to get out of your home when you feel ready to...do you have family you could stay with till you're a bit older? - at 18, I would consider you a bit young to go it alone just yet. If you could hold out for a little while longer, I think you'll do better in the 'big bad world'.

Like I said, you sound like a great guy...I hope you'll do well in life, and I think you will, from your original post, you seem to have your head on your shoulders, and that will stand to you.
Best of luck OP, and keep us posted.;)

baddad

Thanks guys for the advice!
Things are still the same I tried talking to my mother and sge did nothing.She just does whatever he says. He doesn't care about anybody else and I'm sick of it! They don't give a damn about me. I hate them. I know loads of people in school that say they hate there parents because the might make them stay in on a saturday night or they might tell them they not allowed to go somewhere. But all these people has excellent homes, parents have jobs good cars, holidays during the year etc. I have none of these. The placce where I lve is made a laufghing stock of by people I am so nervous that more people will find out about my house. I know school is important and I have to dtudy to get out of this jump but I can't focus. I can't get to sleep and when I do it's not for long. I am crying alot of the time. I find it hard to sit down and study. To top it all of there's mice in the house now. I know this might sound stupid but if I didn't go off and get traps nobody else would have. I am just sick of the way my father is carrying on. He spends all his dole on crap and only gives a bit of money to my mother. My mother owes me about 300 at the moment. I'll prob be doing after school study which is starting next week but thats another 150 which I'll end up paying.:mad:
As for being gay that's still the same. I know they won't accept it but part of me is just going do I ever want anything to do with them once I'm 18. I know people say that your meant to respect your parents, but I'm find it hard to respect them I just put an act on.
I know I'm gay and I'll prob never be able to have kids but someday in the next 10-20 years I hope I'll meet some nice guy. If it would be possible for us to have kids some how. I don't think I would want them because my parents made me so un-happy I'm afraid of putting another kid through that.

CDfm

OP I am a Dad and I imagine you do hate your Dad but hate is a useless emotion and it does nothing for the person doing the hating.

Firstly,getting slagged off in school is awful amd being embarressed is just part if your age. You really cannot change your Dad but you can change what you do and not indulge in it. Your a living life under difficult circumstances and the posters are right who say goalset to get out of it.

The poster is right to say seek help and if you are having problems and have a medical card try to discuss it with your GP . They should be able to arrange some support and if you feel you cant get a Teacher you can speak to and I would suggest a woman.

Nobody has a right to demean you and that includes your Dad.

Curry Addict

most of your issue is about what other people think about your house which is slightly embarrassing but hardly contributes to hating someone.

your Da is a tough old farmer. he gave you a clip around the ear a couple of times for doing stuff he saw as wrong under his roof , maybe u need to toughen up a bit and try to understand him better.

its highly likely he knows your gay, in my experience parents will know this, and is struggling a bit with it.
It will always be difficult for you two to communicate as ye are so different. You are the child in the situation and may feel that its his responsability to improve the communication but in a situation like this its better try to take some of that responsability.

build bridges not hate, your Da maybe be acting like a bit of an asshole but maybe hes not so bad inside

baddad

Ok! Thanks.
I am sorry for complaning, it's just the way I feel.
My father has no idea I'm gay. He thinks it's only people with broken familes become gay. I try my best when people slag me of I don't really pay attion to it. There is this guy on facebook who posted about my house on his wall and gave directons to everybody. I never cry I act happy when I'm not and I am not that weak I'm vry strong mentally and it's very hard to break me.

LegacyUser

baddad wrote: »

Ok! Thanks.
I am sorry for complaning, it's just the way I feel.
My father has no idea I'm gay. He thinks it's only people with broken familes become gay. I try my best when people slag me of I don't really pay attion to it. There is this guy on facebook who posted about my house on his wall and gave directons to everybody. I never cry I act happy when I'm not and I am not that weak I'm vry strong mentally and it's very hard to break me.

Hi Op! complain away, there will be a time for further perspective down the road it is ok to say you hate your father right now, you are expressing your feelings in a very very difficult abusive situation and that is a healthy thing, you sound like you have grown up fast and you are very responsible, you also sound like you have a great sense of yourself another good character trait! Congratulations on finding out your gay there is a great life out there waiting for you.

Now all you have to do is get through the coming years to get on your feet you have everything you need to cope on your own you are strong and smart and capable, and when your away from your family you will thrive, you have strengths others your age do not have, i can see you will be out of there the first chance you get, do not worry about the future i have no relationships with my family either because of the same abusive situation, you have just helped me see how much i need to continue on my path to building the best life i can and not let their chaos drag me down, when you do get away, do not let them reel you back in and use you for money, stand firm! never let that bully of a father take advantage of you again, what he has done to you is against the law beating you like that. Stay strong! Keep the self belief up and grab that great life that is waiting for you when you get the chance, save yourself and never look back! All the best xoxo

Mackman

Curry Addict wrote: »

your Da is a tough old farmer. he gave you a clip around the ear a couple of times for doing stuff he saw as wrong under his roof , maybe u need to toughen up a bit and try to understand him better.

build bridges not hate, your Da maybe be acting like a bit of an asshole but maybe hes not so bad inside

What a load of crap!! Understand him better?? WTF!! His dad has his problems, and he's taking it out on his son. Complete bastard IMO, and the sooner the OP gets away from him the better.
No father EVER has the right to hit his kid. From the OP it doesnt sound like a "clip on the ear". :rolleyes: Its not the 1950's anymore

CDfm

baddad wrote: »

Ok! Thanks.
I am sorry for complaning, it's just the way I feel.
My father has no idea I'm gay. He thinks it's only people with broken familes become gay. I try my best when people slag me of I don't really pay attion to it. There is this guy on facebook who posted about my house on his wall and gave directons to everybody. I never cry I act happy when I'm not and I am not that weak I'm vry strong mentally and it's very hard to break me.

On the Facebook issue complain to Facebook about abuse and let them deal with him.

The people who admin in facebook would be like the admins here and he would be expected to behave within facebook ettiquette or have his page closed.

Thats life and he cant do what he wants.

Your job is to get the points for what you want and also to make you life happier.

EDIT - and put the gay thing to one side with your parents. I have a 20 year old hetero son and have no idea if he has lost his virginity. He hasnt arrived to my house with a girl to sleep with yet so prioritise and do things when they come up and in your own time.

Ginja Ninja

baddad wrote: »

I know people say that your meant to respect your parents, but I'm find it hard to respect them I just put an act on.

I can definitely relate to this.One huge tip is to stop counting their opinion so highly.Take your sexuality as an example,that's personal and private, don't stress about what they'll think, it's not their place to know after all you've been through

baddad wrote: »

d I am not that weak I'm vry strong mentally and it's very hard to break me.

to F*cking right you're not weak.Get one thing clear to yourself,you're an exceptional human being for taking all you have and still being alive,lesser people would have cracked by now

School should be back soon [if not already] and it's a good distraction from what's going on,if your getting treated badly in school tell a teacher.I know it's a cliché but they will sort it out and some of the people giving crap to you are probably not doin git intentionally,just flowing with the crowd. if they're called on it by a teacher they'll probably just give up.Don't be embarassed,believe me it takes a lot tougher person to ask for help than to be pushed around

Glad to see your still posting
-Alan

sophia25

Aww baddad, poor you. A year seems so long at your age but in reality it will fly. Play the waiting game, figure out your goals, head down and get through this year. At the moment you need to get into survival mode and just get through the next few months. Smile when you don't want to, nod obligingly to keep your parents sweet, and ignore your feelings for the moment. There will be time in the future to deal with this but for the moment use your energy to get you where you need to be.If you need an anti-d to help get you sleeping and motivated, take them, anything to survive this year. You sound very mature and together for your age, which will help you in the long term. Forget about being gay at the moment, you only have so much energy, don't divert it now. If you weren't gay, I would be telling you to forget about girls. Now it's about getting you to where you need to be. I'll tell you something, in 20 years time you'll understand that your Dad and the FB bully have nothing to do with you. They are using you to project something that is wrong with them, it has nothing to do with you. I can guarantee you, if it wasn't you they bullied it would be someone else. Rise above it and you'll soar.......