dont want to be pathetic doormat!

LegacyUser

i'll try to keep short, met a guy, were great friends, then got together, things were great, mad about each other etc etc. in the beginning i was v.wary but as time went on i fell for him, big time!
he seemed to go the other way though! he says now he is v wary of getting heavy, hes afraid of getting hurt again (bad relationship in past)

things came to a head, i said we should leave it because it seemed like he didnt care, i didnt get a huge argument, he just said he had ruined things with the crap in his head.
that was a few months ago, he keeps in touch even though i told him i cant see him.
he understands exactly why i cant, i explained it was too hard, i want a relationship, he doesnt seem to.
he leaves it for a while then gets in touch again, its like he is waiting for me to change my mind, even though i told him i cant go back without knowing how he feels, and some sort of commitment.

i love this guy, i couldnt ignore him when he rings, id feel terrible. i dont see him and i wont.

i guess my question is, does he still like me? is he still interested? or am i just a buddy to him? he knows my feelings about everything but stays in touch. am i being a doormat?

am i right to keep just a little contact there, just in case? he is very insecure about himself. he shouldnt be, he is the nicest, funniest, most genuine person i know. i know he cares, i just dont know how much!

Kimia

Yes you do. You do know. Unfortunately he's just not as into you as you are into him. You know this, it's very obvious and he's all but literally told you this too (I mean, you told him straight out you wanted a relationship and he wasn't interested). Sorry. I would really move on, he'll give up soon enough. It's very unfair of him to try and keep you on a string like this.

LegacyUser

is it possible that maybe he is genuine?

maybe he is just scared of getting hurt and wants to keep me at arms length to save himself?
im not saying thats a good thing nor do i think its right but i do know this guy well and he doesnt lie.

i know it would never work if he cant commit no matter what the reason, but am i right to believe him or am i just sad and pathetic?

unclecessna

sad girl wrote: »

is it possible that maybe he is genuine?

maybe he is just scared of getting hurt and wants to keep me at arms length to save himself?
im not saying thats a good thing nor do i think its right but i do know this guy well and he doesnt lie.

i know it would never work if he cant commit no matter what the reason, but am i right to believe him or am i just sad and pathetic?

That could well be, but it is always hard to tell what is really going on in another persons mind in these kind of situations. Maybe he is being genuine and maybe he isn't. I think deep down you probably know or can sense the true answer for yourself. You know him so you would have a much better sense of what this person is truly like than I - a stanger on a web forum - would do.

From what you say I am inclined to think he is but in a way that's kind of irrelevant.

The thing is certain people can end up having more issues than the t.v. guide through having had childhood problems and later relationship problems through their life before.

Then again others will have gone through the exact same things and end up being quite balanced and decisive in what they want when it comes to relationships etc.

It's just that people are different from each other in different ways.

I think it's best to move on with your life as difficult as that may sound. Life is short and you don't want to end up waiting forever for someone to ''see the light'' so to speak.

People do not really change unless they themselves really decide they want to and then really work hard at bringing about the changes to their mindset - which is in itself difficult.

I know it's hard to see now that you are feeling down but it really is his loss at the end of the day.

Best of luck.

Ickle Magoo

Tbh, I don't know anyone who is so scared of getting hurt or such a commitmentphobe that they don't want to get involved with someone they really fancy the pants off and see a future with.

I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear but I'm a great believer that when people are genuinely interested they seldom deliberately avoid having relations with the person they really like. If they aren't so interested then they may well weight up the risks and decide it's not worth it - but do you really want to put your life on hold for a guy who is luke-warm about you?

Best of luck.

unclecessna

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Tbh, I don't know anyone who is so scared of getting hurt or such a commitmentphobe that they don't want to get involved with someone they really fancy the pants off and see a future with.

I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear but I'm a great believer that when people are genuinely interested they seldom deliberately avoid having relations with the person they really like. If they aren't so interested then they may well weight up the risks and decide it's not worth it - but do you really want to put your life on hold for a guy who is luke-warm about you?

Best of luck.

I agree in the main, but some people are passive-agressive and can inadvertently end up pushing people away through their behaviour. This may or may not be applicable in this particular situation but it does happen.

Ickle Magoo

In my experience, if people are really into someone - even those who have some quite serious commitment issues or fears of getting hurt - they don't let anything stop them getting involved with the person they have really fallen for. Far more often it's used as an excuse not to get involved with someone they're just not that in to.

To not want to be in a relationship that involves any kind of commitment but staying in touch in the hope she "changes her mind" about requiring a committed relationship hardly screams that he's falling over himself for this girl and I think she'd do well to draw a line under things and move on and find someone who is both able and willing to put their heart and pride on the line and invest in a healthy mutual relationship with her.

Beruthiel

sad girl wrote: »

maybe he is just scared of getting hurt and wants to keep me at arms length to save himself?

I'm not buying it.
If you are really and truly into someone, if you could not imagine not having them in your life, it wouldn't matter if you were scared, you'd risk it for the potential happiness it could bring.
He's not that into you.
Cut ALL contact with him and move on.

LegacyUser

I've been in almost the exact same situation. Every time I tried to move on he tried to get close to me again. I still haven't cut him out of my life even though I know I need to. It's gotten to the stage where we are talking every day but he is still playing games with me. Hot and cold about everything. It's hard, when you love someone, to even consider not seeing them again but we both know we need to get rid of them from our lives. I know I haven't really offered any advice, but it can help to know you're not alone. I hope we're both strong enough to do what we need to, and soon.

cinderella2010

Read the Book "His just not that into you" - this will answer all your questions

LegacyUser

This quote has really struck a chord with me recently:

"love isnt something you feel, its something you do. If the person you love doesnt love you back, do yourself a favour and save it for someone who does."

neveah

What a great quote! I will remember that....and so should you OP, forget about him. If he's really interested he will come back to you, for now leave him go.