what is love?

LegacyUser

I'm 30 and I've been with my BF 3 years. We work at opposite ends of the country and there is no chance that we will be living in the same town any time soon. We see eachother most weekends, and most weekends we go out with our mutual friends, or seperately.
I'm happy with this set up. I get my own space and I get to enjoy his company at weekends. I take it day by day. He seems ok with it, Ive asked him how he feels but he never thinks about the future very much anyway so just tells me to stop worrying.
I don't want to live with him, have babies or start chosing sofas to match curtains and for ages I thought this was ok, as I still see myself as young and when Im not working Im partying!
But then, suddenly I'm realising that everyone is getting settled, having or wanting babies...trying to get houses etc. That's fine, and everyones different, but several people have started asking me if I see "a future" with my BF or if its getting "Serious".
We've been together nearly 3 years, I enjoy his company and we have a good sex life. But I don't think "oh yes he's the one now forever" - I've never felt that with anyone...and they say I should...they say if I don't see myself marrying him why am I with him? But I'm not sure if I ever want to marry anyone...It terrifies me. Even my parents seem to be onto me, making hints about biological clocks and running out of time...
Worst thing was when a friend said I obviously dont love him, because I said I wasn't ready to have babies and because Im not trying to get work closer to home. For one thing I couldnt afford it, and I love my job...
I feel trapped all of a sudden...I thought I was young!!

LegacyUser

I felt the exact same way myself only a few months ago. I really didn't (and still don't) understand love at all. I was in a long distance relationship. I saw my girlfriend nearly every single weekend. We had a great time most of the time but I just always had a doubt as to wether it was love or not. I really liked my job in my city too and it seemed to be me who had to give up the job and move up to her city.

Anyway, one of her friends got engaged. Then I started thinking "Oh my god if my gf got pregnant I would not be happy at all". I couldn't see us getting married, and I just got so afraid of commitment because I didn't know if I loved her or not. So I actually ended the relationship 2 months ago. Hardest thing I ever did, I'm still often wondering "did I make a big mistake?" But, it does get better with time.

My advice to you anyway is to keep going. The two of you seem to have a similar outlook and I think you should enjoy all that. You prob are afraid of commitment a small bit. Maybe take it easy on yourself for a while and see how you feel in a few months or a year...

LegacyUser

Love is different things for different people. But above all for me, I think it's about committment, trust, and putting the one special person in your life above all other things. It sounds like you and your boyfriend love the life you have now, you get to spend your free time together at weekends when it suits both of you, when there is no stress from work, family, etc. That works for you. It does sound like the relationship is lacking a little committment from both of ye. Has it progressed in anyway since the first 6 months of the relationship or is it just convenient for you both to have each other? Personally, 2 days a week with someone I love would not be enough, I'd crave more time together, the Sunday evening goodbye would be torture every week. I was in that situation 3 years ago with a girl I'd been seeing for 6 months, we lived 150 miles apart. I took the brave decision to find a new job her side of the country, a year later we got engaged and moved in together, a year after that we had a child and got married this year. We share all the good and bad things in life and it's definitely different to the times when we only saw each other at weekends. But the spark, for me, is even stronger than it was back then, my heart still races most evenings when I go home from work and I miss her like crazy if one of us is off somewhere for a day or two. That's love for me.

StarryMoon0

Are you happy with the way things are?
If yes, then what does other people's opinions matter? We don't all have to settle down and start having babies to have a loving relationship with someone.
Love is a million things, and everyone has thier idea of what it is.
Some people have a blazing passion for thier OH, others have a deep comfortable friendship with mutual respect.
Only you can know whats important to you and how it makes you feel

StarryMoon0

differentforeveryone wrote: »

my heart still races most evenings when I go home from work and I miss her like crazy if one of us is off somewhere for a day or two. That's love for me.

Thats wonderful!

LegacyUser

I had your exact outlook 2 years ago. Down to a T. Long and short of it, I was absolutely not in love and I was wasting my years away with someone who wasn't in love with me either, neither of us realising what we were missing out on and assuming this whole 'love' thing was something TV invented. We both wasted 4 years of our lives that we could've spent travelling/meeting other people/keeping weekends free for hobbies. It probably wasn't a total waste, but I do wish we'd both got out a lot sooner and I do have regrets.

We split up. It was an awful lot easier to do than I ever imagined it could be, and that said it all really. Not a lot of sadness or upset. I actually felt a huge sense of relief, without realising the relationship was having much effect on me.

We both went our separate ways. We both quickly found someone else. My ex seems much happier now though we don't see each other anymore, both living separate lives.

I am certainly happier now. I quickly found something that is all of the things you listed, I get butterflies every time we touch. We will soon marry, have children, I imagine us together in our 80s and hopefully 90s, still deeply in love. I never thought about these things with anyone before and assumed it was bs, that I was too sensible and logical to ever feel this.

Maybe I just got lucky, and maybe not everyone will find that someone, but I do now believe that everyone deserves to feel this, I would change any aspect of my life to stay with the love of my life, there is no way in the world I could work at opposite ends of the country now where before, I'd have had no problem with this.

So in short, I don't think you have anything close to love, it's just handy, it works, exactly like what I used to have. It's up to you if that is something you want. I never wanted children or someone to grow old with until my current relationship but my outlook on everything has since changed.
I think you're depriving yourself of at least the chance of feeling deeply in love by remaining in the setup you have, but only you know what's best for you.

Just be careful with putting career before your future, will your career keep you warm and happy on those cold winters nights when you're 60/70/80? Not something that ever crossed my mind until I fell deeply in love.

This love thing really does change your outlook on life.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

We've been together nearly 3 years, I enjoy his company and we have a good sex life. But I don't think "oh yes he's the one now forever" - I've never felt that with anyone...and they say I should...they say if I don't see myself marrying him why am I with him? But I'm not sure if I ever want to marry anyone...It terrifies me. Even my parents seem to be onto me, making hints about biological clocks and running out of time...
Worst thing was when a friend said I obviously dont love him, because I said I wasn't ready to have babies and because Im not trying to get work closer to home. For one thing I couldnt afford it, and I love my job...
I feel trapped all of a sudden...I thought I was young!!

Why not just forget all these 'opinions' that other people have about you and your life and sit back and think about what it is you want.

Your parents hinting at kids, do you actually want them?
Not everyone does and they have the right not to you know!
You're not a baby machine and if you don't have the longing to have them, don't.

As for your friend saying you don't love him cos you don't want his kids, ppfff, utter crap. You're friend is talking out her ass.
I'm getting married next month and we won't be having children.
People are different you know. Each with different wants, needs and desires.
Find out about what it is you want from life and take it from there.