Don't know how to feel.

LegacyUser

not so long ago i almost died in a car accident, i don't want to go into to much details (easily identifiable and all that), but basically, it was a situation of, had one little thing been different, i would be dead. the doctors couldn't beleive that we were not hurt, even seeing the car i think "how the hell did anyone get out of that?"

physically i am fine apart from a few bruises and a few small cuts, mentally i don't really know.
i have talked about what happened with my family, and i have no real problem discussing it.
i find that i am nervous in certain situations in cars (to be expected of course, and i suppose it will go away soon)

i don't really feel that different, but at the same time, i feel completely different.

i havn't had any great epiphanies or any breakdowns, i havn't cried or freaked out. i briefly went into shock, lasted a few seconds and i had calmed myself down straight after the accident. it was a pretty horrible experience and there are things that are not in my memory (sound for instance, i remember pretty much everything but sound) i assume i must have been afraid because i did think i was going to die at the time, however i remember a second of fear than nothing. it was like a trancended fear and the rest of my memory is devoid of it, there was no fear, no real feeling of any kind, i suppose acceptence could be close, i knew what ever was going to happen would happen and there was nothing that i could do to change that.

i suppose i havn't really had a chance to process what happened, i havn't had a single day since that i have not been busy doing something.
i have noticed i am more twitchy, i don't really like sitting still anymore.

i find myself wondering about my freinds too, none of them seemed to really care, and there have been many situations where i have looked after them/worried about their health and checked in on them and so on. the person i considered my best freind rang me breifly and then i heard nothing more until i contacted her, and, having seen pictures, she said, in an offhanded way, "seeing those, i couldn't understand how you are still alive", later on, while drunk she expressed more emotion but the lack of any concern did hurt me.
there were people who i am no longer freinds with who i heard from to make sure i was ok. complete strangers at the accident/hospital showed more concern than some of those i considered my freinds.


i don't really know if i am being selfish or what i am really looking for.

i suppose some idea of how i should react, whats appropriate for this situation? i know everyone is different but surely there should be something? can i just go on with life as though nothing really happened except i survived something i probably shouldn't have and wasted a day in hospital? i''ve looked it up and found nothing about people walking away from the kind of crash i was in pretty much unscathed. i dont really know why, but i feel guilty for not being more injured, i see stories of people with broken spines/arms/legs/pelvises and wonder why that didn't happen to me. people who are paralysed, brain damaged or dead

logically i know that it was down to a series of random events (i do not beleive in god, nor has what happened made my question my lack of any faith), but at the same time i can't help but feel bad that i am not worse off, that others have been maimed/died.


i'm sorry that was so long. i don't even know what i am looking for. i think i just needed to try and figure out how i feel in some sort of cohesive way (don't think i did well on that point)

any advice or anything would be appreciated though.

sarahspud

Hi

It sounds like you may be numb, or having a delayed reaction to the incident. Dont be too hard on yourself about what you should be feeling-its different for everyone. Your friends may think you are fine and thus are maybe not showing as much concern as if you were visibly traumatized. I think the best thing you could do is talk to a counsellor or psychologist who will help you process the incident and explore your feelings around it, helping you to deal with what happened.

Take care of yourself.

You can find info on counsellors at:
http://www.irish-counselling.ie/index.php/find-a-counsellor-psychotherapist
http://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/find-a-psychologist/

beks101

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about the accident, you have obviously been through a lot.

However the last thing you need right now after everything is to pressurise yourself into feeling a certain way, or to try to coerce yourself into dealing with your post-traumatic stress the way you should deal with it. The fact is - there is no one-size-fits-all for coping in your situation.

Some people will bottle up and then feel as though they have been hit by a tonne of bricks down the line; others will go into a clinical depression; some will become religious; others will experience physical symptoms - panic attacks, flashbacks etc; some will need immediate therapy to help them come to terms with what almost happened to them whereas others will deal with it in their own time and in their own way.

You seem to be suffering from a degree of Survivor Guilt and this is quite common after a trauma like a car accident. It might be worth seeking out a counsellor or psychotherapist to tease this out and help yourself to get your head around what happened to you without developing an unhealthy mentality - guilt and self-blame is only going to hinder your emotional recovery. What you need now is compassion and patience with yourself. Indeed you are lucky to be alive but you did not deserve to die or deserve any worse injuries than you have experienced.

And there's a reason why they say it takes difficult times to find out who your true friends are. I know it must be a bitter pill to swallow after what you've been through, but finding out now may save you from further hurt and disappointment down the line.

I wish you very best in your recovery. You'll be alright

LegacyUser

Hi op, a short while ago I experienced a similar thing, not sure how to feel either, mixture of anxiety terror, depression, yet at times a euphoria to simply be here or permanently disabled..just different. It is scary when you're looked at as being the lucky one...I know what you mean about feeling guilty about others, I feel that too and hate hearing the news...I got a few counselling sessions which helped, it's a good way to release all the bottled up emotion..Is there any way you could speak to a trauma psychologist..they really understand how you're feeling, take care of yourself, it's really hard but talking about it helps...