Whats going on with him??

LegacyUser

Hey

I'm going anon on this one,

liked a guy for a few weeks now i was doing a course and could tell he liked me too, i waited for the course to end and i gave him my number, i never really do that as i usually wait for guys to ask me out but i thought what the hell i have nothing to lose. last day of course there was a night out he never went out on nights out with the school before so i did'nt expect him there, but that night he was there to my suprise! we got together, getting on great he kissed me first we were chatting and laughing and he came back to mine and we had sex! he never came like he went soft!(sorry if i'm being too forward here but this is the nature of my problem) so the next morning we did it again and the same thing happened he had initiated sex first and second time.i asked whats wrong he said he felt strange being with another girl after his ex of 5 years (its all off 4 months ago) i said you feel strange having sex with me? he said no not with you he said i am the first girl he's been with since his ex, (he's 38 by the way)
so i never pushed at the subject and just kissed his cheek, and made a coffee and he was still in bed and he said i'm having a quiet weekend so i'm not in a hurry to go, i never said anything still thinking of what he said about the ex girlfriend, I was gutted coz i really like him and when he mentioned his ex I sort of was acting friendly than being affectionate with him as i thought i did'nt want to push things with him thinking he's still hung up on his ex.he then said after us chatting about this and that,that he was going i said OK i said well you have my number he says yes i will call you. this was yesterday and i have'nt heard from him, i'm thinking was he embarrassed about going "soft" in the middle of sex or coz he felt weird coz i was not being affectionate with him after i heard what he had said, or was he just using that as an excuse coz he has a problem? I would like to hear men opinions on this please! sorry for such a long post!

magneticimpulse

i think men are usually straight forward and if he only broke up with the ex 4 months ago after being with her for 5 years...its prob all just alot to take on at the moment.

just let him take his time...i think he was just being honest with you and doesnt want to rush into something quick and get his heartbroken again. he prob doesnt want to use you as a rebound either and just thinking things through.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i think men are usually straight forward and if he only broke up with the ex 4 months ago after being with her for 5 years...its prob all just alot to take on at the moment.

just let him take his time...i think he was just being honest with you and doesnt want to rush into something quick and get his heartbroken again. he prob doesnt want to use you as a rebound either and just thinking things through.

I still have'nt heard from him!

Not sure if he ever will!
its a shame coz I really liked him, the night started out great!
Now I'm just thinking maybe he's too embarrassed to call me coz of the sex thing and i'll never hear from him again!


I don't want to be pushy though he has my number if he wants to call me!
But I just can't see him calling me!

Just don't know what the best thing to do! as if weeks go by he defintely won't bother!

Fukuyama

I wouldnt get too hung up on the fact that he went soft... maybe he actually does have loads on his mind.

Also, you seem to be a tad immature when it comes to this entire subject.

Thirdly - its only been a day. He's having a 'quiet weekend'. Maybe he'll shoot you a text for a drink on Wednesday..

LegacyUser

Dean0088 wrote: »

I wouldnt get too hung up on the fact that he went soft... maybe he actually does have loads on his mind.

Also, you seem to be a tad immature when it comes to this entire subject.

Thirdly - its only been a day. He's having a 'quiet weekend'. Maybe he'll shoot you a text for a drink on Wednesday..

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I don't think I'm being inmature about the subject at all! The fella has'nt called and I know it has something to do with that night/morning I just thought maybe I send a message to him next week or just leave it?

any advise is appreciated

Cheap Thrills!

You're not being a bit immature IMO OP.

Him going soft is a very bad sign. He also mentioned in a nice way it was associated with his ex.

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to work out that he is unable to maintain arousal because he still connects sex with her. I would guess she broke up with him and he is still in love with her. Speculation yes but that's what I'd guess reading between the lines.

I would give it up as a bad job. The little man never lies. The litmus test is right there.

You cannot start a relationship with sexual problems/the Ghost of an ex. It's a non starter.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You're not being a bit immature IMO OP.

Him going soft is a very bad sign. He also mentioned in a nice way it was associated with his ex.

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to work out that he is unable to maintain arousal because he still connects sex with her. I would guess she broke up with him and he is still in love with her. Speculation yes but that's what I'd guess reading between the lines.

I would give it up as a bad job. The little man never lies. The litmus test is right there.

You cannot start a relationship with sexual problems/the Ghost of an ex. It's a non starter.

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I understand what your saying and I thought the very same myself, but then I think about the way he was going on with me before all that and he definitely was'nt behaving like a man inlove with someone else! he was very affectionate and said he was'nt in a hurry to go home the next morning.I think he maybe more embarrassed of what happened as I asked him what was wrong!maybe he got embarrassed coz i asked him and he made that up as an excuse.i bruused his ego or something!

Zen65

it's a secret!! wrote: »

I would like to hear men opinions on this please!

He was with his ex for 5 years. I'm going to assume they had an active sex life. That being the case he is accustomed to having sex with somebody he loves and knows very well. He has only started with you and on the night you end up having sex. It's a very different experience for him, he has not had time to develop the same intimacy and closeness with you and yet you're having sex together. In the vacuum of emotions memories of his ex will come back to him.

If you want to stay with this guy then you need to slow down the relationship until he is comfortable enough to have sex with you. It seems this guy needs to have a strong emotional bond before sex works for him. If you want to get straight to the sex, he's the wrong guy.

It's possible of course that the problem is physical, and he is embarrassed about it.

If you decide to contact him, then let him know you're happy to take things a little slower.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

He was with his ex for 5 years. I'm going to assume they had an active sex life. That being the case he is accustomed to having sex with somebody he loves and knows very well. He has only started with you and on the night you end up having sex. It's a very different experience for him, he has not had time to develop the same intimacy and closeness with you and yet you're having sex together. In the vacuum of emotions memories of his ex will come back to him.

If you want to stay with this guy then you need to slow down the relationship until he is comfortable enough to have sex with you. It seems this guy needs to have a strong emotional bond before sex works for him. If you want to get straight to the sex, he's the wrong guy.

It's possible of course that the problem is physical, and he is embarrassed about it.

If you decide to contact him, then let him know you're happy to take things a little slower.

Be at peace,

Z

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Your making out that I rushed into sex with him! he was the one who initiated sex and not me at all! we know eachother over a month so even though we had sex I don't really think its rushing into things.

johnr1

Op , Ignore CheapThrills post #6 above, it's pure rubbish.
As a guy, my advice would be to re-read Zen65s post #8, especially the first half of it.
A lot of sense there. The little/ big man is a strange beast and we don't always understand ourselves what his motivations are. To say he never lies is too simplistic. Zen65 is closer to the mark.

As far as calling the guy or not goes, Id call him or text him after acouple of days. Yes, he may be feeling a little embarrassed over what happened but If you make it clear that you enjoyed yourself and aren't taking too much notice of it, he'l be quite eager to prove to you and himself that it doesent happen all the time. Best of luck with it.

keane2097

+1 on disregarding cheap thrills advice IMO.

Some absolutely wild assumptions in there. Made me lol tbh.

LegacyUser

keane2097 wrote: »

+1 on disregarding cheap thrills advice IMO.

Some absolutely wild assumptions in there. Made me lol tbh.

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Right, just an update of whats going on, I bumped into him the weekend in a pub we ended up being together that night, I did say to him we can wait for s*x he says he was ready, same thing happened, he is a very sweet guy, we talked for hours the next day about general stuff, he's not looking for a new relationship so basically he's not ready at all!I do know he likes me though, so I am just leaving him to it.shame though, I really liked him, but I won't contact him, maybe if he's left alone to think he may contact me, who knows!

LegacyUser

well you tried and went for it, didnt work out so best to move as it seems you are doing.

To be completly honest, its simply a case of "hes just not that into you" or bad timing.


I did the same in the past, lovely person, loved spending time together, chat for hours ...but it just wasnt there for me. pitty really.

I think you made the first move, and put yourself out there, more power to you but in the end he went for it thinking yes sure shes a sweet girl but in the end I think 4 months after a break up of a 5 years relationship its just way too soon mentally or clearly sexually. Mind you this is a general observation not to apply to everyone.

Best of luck in the future

LegacyUser

I was going out with someone for 3 years, he suffered with erectile disfunction throughout the whole relationship. It caused some huge problems between us because he never spoke to me about the problem, he just never initiated sex and if I did he would turn me down.
We have since broken up!
Maybe this guy is suffering with ED also but is using the ex as an excuse because he is embarrassed about the problem! It just seems like something my ex would do if he met someone new! As you said, he wasn't acting like someone who is still in love with his ex! Not saying this is definitely the story here but it's a possibility!

Zen65

It's a secret!! wrote: »

Your making out that I rushed into sex with him! he was the one who initiated sex and not me at all! we know eachother over a month so even though we had sex I don't really think its rushing into things.

No, apologies, I didn't mean to imply the rush to sex was your individual action - I meant "you" in the plural sense.

He may not want to admit that he's not ready, but I'm suggesting that you may need to slow things down until he is. Your last post suggests to me that he's not reading his own body signals correctly at all.


Be at peace,

Z

Distorted

I think you're being quite charitable towards him. He could have contacted you afterwards out of politeness, just to explain. But you don't sound upset or anything. His loss!

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

I think you're being quite charitable towards him. He could have contacted you afterwards out of politeness, just to explain. But you don't sound upset or anything. His loss!

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You know I'm not major upset just more gutted! it's weird coz when he left me that afternnoon, he's not looking for a new relationship, I said who said I was? i said i hope he finds a girl that makes him happy he said he was'nt looking for a girl he just wants to be alone right now which i told him i understood and would never put anybody under pressure (i don;t mean to be big headed but I get asked out a lot by fellas, and it seems the case the guy i like always is in a dilemma or commitment phobe!lol) anyway when he left me he said i was perfect for him and he would mail me and we would arrange to meet!?! which left me quite confused!he may or may not call but i;m glad we had the time to talk anyway and clear the air incase he thought i wanted to rush into relationship with him, i'm not out of one long myself, so would prefer to take things slow also.he's not the worse of guys have to say.

LegacyUser

be really careful about a guy that says ...i dont want a relationship and you are perfect for me type of speech cos I have heard that before it comes out again as i like you but im not THAT into you to think you will be a gf.

I'm not tryingto put you down or rain on your parade so please don't take what im saying the wrong way at all, im not intending to say it in a malecious way but by experience like i said because you already have slept together he could means, i give you a call we will do something or whatever meaning..hanging out and then..sex!
SO pretty much a sexy buddy.

I can see you have a good head on your shoulder so you probably already know that but just be aware of it, some guys are really good at taking advantage of nice girls that are understanding of their situation ;-)

I knew a guy who was with a girl for 3 and half years, broke up and had this thing with a girl who was a friend, more or less said the same thing than the guy told you...so thought she would stick around as a friend etc...they hangout and stuff, he opened up to her about his past and his ex and she felt their were getting closer even though he said he didnt want a relationship etc....2 months later he met a girl and suddenly the "i need to be alone etc speech" was gone out the window when the right girl came along....its been 6 years and he is now married to the "2 months later girl"

If i were you i wouldnt bother with him wanting to do meet up, you said you are popular with lads already so find one that wont want to pass you by and get a chance you will be gone to someone else!

best of luck girl!

LegacyUser

too much thinking wrote: »

be really careful about a guy that says ...i dont want a relationship and you are perfect for me type of speech cos I have heard that before it comes out again as i like you but im not THAT into you to think you will be a gf.

I'm not tryingto put you down or rain on your parade so please don't take what im saying the wrong way at all, im not intending to say it in a malecious way but by experience like i said because you already have slept together he could means, i give you a call we will do something or whatever meaning..hanging out and then..sex!
SO pretty much a sexy buddy.

I can see you have a good head on your shoulder so you probably already know that but just be aware of it, some guys are really good at taking advantage of nice girls that are understanding of their situation ;-)

I knew a guy who was with a girl for 3 and half years, broke up and had this thing with a girl who was a friend, more or less said the same thing than the guy told you...so thought she would stick around as a friend etc...they hangout and stuff, he opened up to her about his past and his ex and she felt their were getting closer even though he said he didnt want a relationship etc....2 months later he met a girl and suddenly the "i need to be alone etc speech" was gone out the window when the right girl came along....its been 6 years and he is now married to the "2 months later girl"

If i were you i wouldnt bother with him wanting to do meet up, you said you are popular with lads already so find one that wont want to pass you by and get a chance you will be gone to someone else!

best of luck girl!

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Thanks so much for your advise, he does'nt seem the sort to use to be honest maybe thats why he's not contacting me because he does'nt want to do that, last weekend we just bumped into eachother he never called me to meet. the afternoon he left i did say i enjoy spending time with him and wanted to get to know him more as i was recently single too.
he won't be getting any booty calls from me thats for sure.:), sounds weird but i like him too much to be one of them.i'm gonna just move on, though it will be confusing if he calls to meet there won;t be any nookie anyway if we do meet up.