Can a guy change?

WaltKowalski

Looking for a man's point of view please.

I was horribly dumped after a tumultuous 8 year on/off relationship a few months ago.
I was devastated, but am slowly getting over it.
My ex is trouble but I do love him, despite knowing all his faults.
He wants to get back together. Swears he's a changed man. He's been enlightened.

I've heard that before and, after learning from experience, I don't believe him now.

But could he be telling the truth? Can a man change?

Interceptor

Men can change but I'd wait for proof and tread very carefully in this case. It takes more than a few months to rewire a mans brain.

'cptr

FearDark

If he didnt get it right in 8 years he never will tbh, give another guy a try, theres plenty of good uns' out there.

WaltKowalski

I've been burnt very badly so not going back there.
I was just wondering.

girvtheswerve

Have to agree with the guys here. Anyone can change but a tumultuous 8 year on/off relationship is best left in the past in my opinion.

Final Approach

Again, I agree with the previous posters here, I think depending on the person, people can actually reach a point where they realise that their behaviour is (or was) completely unacceptable and be willing to try to curb it to the point of classifying themselves as "changed".

You however describe an eight year relationship as "tumultuous". That is a strong description of a relationship that lasted a considerable length of time, long enough for anybody to make changes to their behaviour in the interest of a happy and loving relationship with their partner, which your ex clearly didnt.

My opinion? It sounds like this guy had more than enough time to change his ways, and didnt, which would really make me doubt that he has all of a sudden transformed himself now, at this point. There are plenty of good guys out there, guys who you wont need to wonder if they can change or not, and Im sure you'll meet one of them which is worthy of your time and your love. Forget him.

Bodhisopha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qz74cEN5aw

Yes.

Panthro

If he hasn't changed in 8 years, I wouldn't bank on him changing now to be honest.
We all have our faults and failings regardless of gender, he may well have a few things he would like to change about your personality (no offence intended), if it hasn't worked out after 8 years, its time to take your love and energy and find someone who is willing to meet you 50-50, and not be wasting your time on someone who is not able/capable/willing to put the same efforts into the relationship as yourself.

best of luck with it.

Abi

I think everyone is capable of a little bit of change, but you can't change the foundations of who they really are.

papagormo wrote: »

If he hasn't changed in 8 years, I wouldn't bank on him changing now to be honest.
We all have our faults and failings regardless of gender, he may well have a few things he would like to change about your personality (no offence intended), if it hasn't worked out after 8 years, its time to take your love and energy and find someone who is willing to meet you 50-50, and not be wasting your time on someone who is not able/capable/willing to put the same efforts into the relationship as yourself.

best of luck with it.

I can't +1 this post enough.


Take it from some who spent nearly double the time in the wrong relationship as you did. I understand why you're confused about this. I was in a similar situation as yourself before, your description of your ex runs along the same lines as my experience.

If I could offer you any piece of advice it would be to move on. When you've been with someone a while like that, its hard to make the brave decision to call it a day, because you haven't known any different for a long time.


I ended it, and let me tell you - I know I've made the right desicion. I'm much happier for it

minidazzler

Abigayle wrote: »

I think everyone is capable of a little bit of change, but you can't change the foundations of who they really are.

Just to add to this a little, if I may, I would add "after a certain point in their lives"

I am a completely different person than who I was 5 years ago, but that change was so gradual I didn't notice it happen.

The only way I could think that someone could make a complete change in their personality is to have a complete change in their entire life, a real new start! Not just a new start to old things.

Wibbs

Yea people can change and sometimes radically, but they have to have real knowledge of who they are and where they want to go. Then it's hard work. Hence it's pretty rare in my experience. Changing for a relationship is even more fraught with traps. Usually they say it to get what they want back, so its a self centered thing right off the bat. Then lets imagine the person does change, who is to say that "new" person will gel with the "old" partner. Ex girlfriends who fitted me really well years back would not do so today, because of changes in myself since then. Another factor is the changed person usually doesnt want to be reminded of their old selves so more often than not drop those reminders from their lives. Actually to really change that's what you kinda have to do. Another reason I advise people not to mould or change or help their partner do so, because 9 times outa 10 they'll move on.

LegacyUser

This is an interesting question to think about. Can people change? Does it depend on what they have to change? For example if they were an alcoholic and for 8 years then went to AA and stayed sober, then yes you could say that they have changed. If it is an inherent personality trait then I really don't know. This leads me to ask another question along the same lines:

What do people think about an ex who is selfish, arrogant, disrespectful towards you and generally someone who didn't treat you very well. Now they have a new partner, do you think a new partner would change them or do you think a new partner will more than likely receive the same treatment you did?

elleburp

minidazzler wrote: »

The only way I could think that someone could make a complete change in their personality is to have a complete change in their entire life, a real new start! Not just a new start to old things.

I totally agree here, and with Wibbs. If a person is going to change then they do it to new things, new places or new people - they don't step back to the place where they should have been different before. It just leaves space for reminders of how they were before, and that hinders the whole process.

EL_Loco

WaltKowalski wrote: »

Swears he's a changed man. He's been enlightened.

What used he do and what does he reckon he'll do differently? If you think it just sounds like horse droppings then forget about it.

Wibbs

can ex change? wrote: »

What do people think about an ex who is selfish, arrogant, disrespectful towards you and generally someone who didn't treat you very well. Now they have a new partner, do you think a new partner would change them or do you think a new partner will more than likely receive the same treatment you did?

I've seen both. Hard to say why. If healthy it usually means they've learned from the previous and moved forward. That's the rarest IMHO. Another one is that they simply got older and mellowed out. I've noted the most common one is that they like the new partner more and the new partner won't take the crap. The latter often drives the former. EG woman with slightly OTT personality goes out with weak willed man. She pushes his boundaries, finds he has none so pushes even more. Finally tired of this, she leaves him. Meets guy who has boundaries, so she tries the same guff and gets a shock when he says enoughs enough. So she stops pushing. Ive seen similar with the genders reversed.

Maybe in the OP's case she was way too easy going and accommodating of his tantrums. He'd go off on one, but when he came back with the "I love you baby's", she'd forget or ignore the tantrum as it was passed and she loved him. Rinse and repeat. Pretty common that one and I'd reckon more women fall into that particular trap. If you or anyone, male or female finds themselves excusing what they know to be hurtful and unhealthy behaviour, with the words "but.. but I love him/her", that right there is a red flag that communist china would be proud of.

So lets say her ex meets a woman who doesnt buy into that stuff? First time he pulls it, she doesnt stand for it. If he's in the mad pash stage, he'll likely pull his head in. Ergo he's changed.

Even so in my experience that kinda stuff as described comes out in some way down the line when the honeymoon passes.

WaltKowalski

Thanks for the replies.

Ok - so someone can change.

Part of me would like to give him another chance - but I've changed too I suppose and, as I said earlier, I'm not going to risk it.

MagicMarker

I kind of have a rule, a rule which may change in the future but I haven't had any reason to do so yet. If someone dumps me, they won't have the chance to do it again. That's that, carry on.

It doesn't sound like this guy treated you very well, and it doesn't sound like the last time the guy dumped you was the first time.

You owe it to yourself to forget about him, move on, and retain some dignity.

As for the original question, yes they can, but sometimes a change comes too late.

Handsome Bob

I think a lot of people can live and learn. They experience a relationship that ultimately failed, and they learn from the mistakes that they made.

But from the sounds of it OP, you've went out with this bloke for 8 years and he's never shown a hint of improvement behaviour wise towards you. So I'm afraid I can't help but be cynical and tell you that this guy is just telling you what you want to hear. It's a ploy, don't get sucked in again.

Snowie

i think every one can change who they are, how they beheave, but it takes work and comitment. Because its all to easy to let go of things and revert to ones former self...

but ye you can change things about your self...
Like abi said not nesscerilly who you are...