anxiety attacks, fears of cheating

LegacyUser

I've hit an extreme low and I know I need to deal with myself now before I ruin what I have.

I grew up with a cheating alcoholic mother, she constantly had affairs, introduced my brother and I to various men when we were young in the hopes we would like them enough to justify leaving my dad, even though on the outside we were a happy, normal two parent family.

My dad was a wonderful, honest, kind man. A perfect dad and husband.

I was constantly fighting my mother and her cheating, taking my father's side. He turned a blind eye. From an early age I was aware she was sleeping with other men (anyone who looked at her) and drinking too much. This continued right through my childhood into my late teens.

It turned me into a cold, angry, paranoid person, particularly after my father died suddenly at a young age (when i was 18) due to the extreme stress. I truly believe my mother's behaviour was responsible for this. He hid his stresses and upset at her behaviour away while trying to raise us as best he could.

It's made me loathe the human race for the way they treat the tiny amount of good people in our society.

I'm in my mid 20s now and in my first serious relationship, my first because I've never been able to trust anyone enough to get into a relationship. I accepted I would die alone and safe rather than be cheated on and messed around by someone I invested time in. I never thought I could love someone as much as I do my boyfriend.

Since getting into the relationship, I've been happier than ever before in my life because I now live with him and am far away from my mother and our past life, he is wonderful and takes away all the sadness left in me since my beloved dad died. He is kind, caring, perfect. He loves me more than anything in the world, and I him. But every now and then, I hit a brick wall and just lose it, wallowing in anxious stressed behaviour. Like right now.

He socialises with his ex regularly and I just can't handle it. She's still very much in love with him though I know in my heart he would never do anything to hurt me, but every time he goes out with her and their friends I become anxious to the point of almost becoming ill. I just can't handle it. I imagine endless scenarios, him getting drunk and her pouncing on his vulnerability, leading him astray. When they're not together, I can be logical and know that not everyone will behave as my mother does, but knowing she could hurt my wonderful father as she did, I expect that I will be hurt over and over in life too.

I know how people behave when drunk, how they can't say no. It's not just my mother, I've seen countless friends behave the same way. People and drink result in cheating.

And my suspicion is sure to destroy my relationship with my lovely boyfriend.

I wish the ex would just go away and never come near again, I have no problems with him being around other women, it's just the ex I can't handle - I guess because she's admitted she's in love with him still, but I'm sure I'm in the wrong. I know I can trust him, but as soon as we're apart and he's out with her without me, I panic, feel ill, just can't handle the anxiety. And for no good reason.

He has cheated on his exes but promises he'd never do this to me, he was never in love before. And I know he loves me and wouldn't. But I don't know her and expect she could take advantage of him if he's dumb and drunk..

I don't believe in therapy.

I want to fix myself. I will sort this out. I just don't know where to go. I don't know how to conquer anxiety.

I'm going to my doctor to get help next week.

Meanwhile, I need to hear from others. Has anyone else successfully combated this kind of anxiety without therapy? Is it a matter of taking tablets that block it all out, or just going to sleep when I feel like this and waking up when the situation is over? Should I write a letter to myself when in this moment telling myself how illogical I am being, that he will not be hurting me, that he loves me. For those of you who go to therapy, how is an issue like this handled? I'm not a good talker and would absolutely not be able to sit in a therapist's office talking about the past as I just can't handle it, it would destroy me, I need to forget my childhood and what it's taught me.

How do I stop the anxiety, stop my mother's behaviour from invading my current relationship before it's too late?

Thanks.

(Please don't criticise me, I'm trying to fix this, I'm trying to change.)

Kimia

Hi Op. Why, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you go out with him and his ex and friends? I don't understand why you stay at home panicking while he's out and about with the entire group - why don't you go too? Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? How do you know that the ex is still in love with him - did he tell you this?

Be wary of calling anyone perfect. If you put someone very high on a pedestal they will fall off. Your boyfriend sounds far from perfect to me. Before racing off to see a doctor, talk to your boyfriend and tell him how anxious his socialising with a girl who very obviously wants him to break up with you and be with her makes you feel. He'd be a right idiot if he didn't at least listen to your fears and try and see it from your point of view.

I don't really understand why you say you don't believe in therapy. Why are you going to the doctor then? If I were you I would be open to all types of solutions, there's no point in completely cutting one way out because you don't believe in it. Try it and if it doesn't work, you've lost nothing.

If you could answer these questions then I could give you some better advice.

Milky Moo

Anxiety is not soley treated by medication, in fact generally anti anxiety medication when used over long periods can heighten anxiety. That is why it is nearly always used in conjunction with therapy.

Sorry I know you didn't want to hear that but it is the truth.
Your dismissal of therapy seems like you don't actually want to deal with your problems, you just want to take some medication and then wake up better.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, if you had a broken leg you wouldn't just want painkillers, you would want someone to set the bone if you don't do that you would be just masking the problem and not fixing it, the leg would still be broken.

I think it would be best to deal with your underlying issue, the fear of being betrayed by those close to you. It may be the ex now but next time it may be the neighbour or the co worker.
Unless you deal with this fear it will always come up in another guise of a different girl.

LegacyUser

Under normal circumstances I do go out with my bf too which is how I avoid the anxiety but I was unable to do so this weekend. But the point is, I don't want to HAVE to go out just to feel safe.

He doesn't go out with just her, he goes with a group of friends and she still hangs out with his sisters as an excuse to be near him. She told his sisters she's still in love with him, tells them regular, they told us. They all find it weird and awkward.
He knows how I feel but doesn't want to lose out on spending time with his best buddies just because his ex happens to also be present. And i know i have no right to stop him hanging out with them or her. I'm not trying to. I want to be able to handle it okay.

I did therapy briefly as a child, I found it exhausting and a total waste of time. I learned nothing. I could've gained as much talking to the lads down the pub. I was looking for solutions other than therapy as I really don't feel it's for me.

Quite frankly, I feel the therapists around here have very little training other than doing some PLC course and getting a cert deeming them qualified. I would find it very hard to have faith in or confide in a total stranger. It's exhausting traipsing over the past and would make me feel lower than ever before.

I will see my doctor to learn what other options are available.

If I knew there was a self help book to deal with this, I would buy it now and work my ass off until I was okay. But I would prefer to deal with this alone, or with the help of my bf.
No strangers.

Milky Moo

I feel your attitude towards therapists is unwarranted, you can't simply do a plc course and become one.

It takes years of training, you may had a bad experience with one, but to sign off on the whole profession is a bit rash.

It will be extremely hard to work through a childhood of bad memories by simply reading a book. If you found it hard to work through them with a trained professional how will you do it by yourself?

With a therapist you are confronted with the things you don't want to deal with, if left to yourself you will let yourself just pass over them.

Why not try and find a health care professional that is the best fit for you?Don't feel like you have to settle for one or simply give up if the fit isn't right, it can take awhile to find one that suits you!

Beware of simply going to the doctor and looking for pills, the attitude towards mental health can stil be a tad archaic and pills can be dispensed too freely.

Too be honest I have never met anyone who has gotten through issues by themselves and medication.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I would recommend another go with a therapist to get your own head straight and come to terms with your childhood. You have to accept your father wasn't perfect, he turned a blind eye to his wife's affairs and by doing so you had to witness them - not to mention whatever it was about your parents relationship that led your mother to rely on alcohol and seek out other men for emotional or physical comfort. They both let you down so hating your mother and puting your father on a pedestal isn't fair on them or healthy for you.

As horrible as the journey is you have to accept everyone who plays a part in negative family interactions and you also have to try to forgive them for doing it so you can draw a line under it and move on. I think counselling or some form of therapy would help you enormously and give you an outside perspective. If you want to get over your anxiety and fears relating to your childhood then you need more than a self-help book or medication. It is a long, hard road but ultimately it's worth travelling to give yourself a better quality of life.

Best of luck.