Cheated on girlfriend...with a prostitute.

LegacyUser

I don't know what advice I'll find it but I feel like I need to tell the world what I've done. I've been with this girl for a few years, and it's the end of the road...we have a house together, planned to married, everything.

Everything was so wonderful, and everything she did for me was wonderful. I couldn't ask for or imagine a better, more kind and sweet person. I don't know why I did what I did. I guess I suffer from pretty brutal self esteem issues stemming from childhood, and often (mostly when drinking) equate it with a lack of success with girls and women in my life, like a persistent nag that eats away at me. My girlfriend knows of this, and often encouraged me, for the sake of our relationship, to take a month or two alone time to get over whatever it is I have to do. But this....goes far beyond anything I ever thought myself capable of. I would have imagined myself murdering someone before doing something like this.

I got extremely drunk, and while I can't remember how I managed to conjure up this plan, I ended up going to meet a prostitute. It was horrible. Seedy, uncomfortable, awkward, devoid of even a shred of intimacy or emotion. I don't know what I thought I was looking for. I woke up the next morning and felt a crushing regret, sadness, depression I have never known before, not even in what I would hitherto have considered the blackest days of my life. I have to add, being honest, that I woke up with my girlfriend, having left the house to meet this prostitute whilst my girlfriend was in bed. What sick part of me could leave her there to meet some skanky prositute without remorse or reconsideration? Vile doesn't being to cover it. I know that. I don't have the vocab necessary to convey how I feel about myself. She is such a sweet girl, the best.

I had to tell her...it took a few hours of genuinely contemplating suicide before I could work up the guts to tell her. I won't go into detail but she reacted as any normal person would. I just don't know what to do. I've spent the last two days in bed weeping like a child. I've ruined the best part of and the best thing in my life. For hurting this girl, for betraying her, for showing such a lack of respect....for betraying myself, doing something so absolutely ****ing disgusting....something that's so not 'me', something that I would have laughed at previously had anyone ever suggested such a callous, cold act. I don't know where it came form, I don't know who I was - looking back, it almost feels like it was a different person, a splinter of my own normally good self....but it was me. I can't even being to think about doing anything. Work, visiting family, friends....my whole life is a black nothing and I've no-one to blame but myself and I don't know what to do. This girl was everything to me and I've betrayed her in such a disgusting fashion. It's almost too much to live with. Am I mentally ill or something? I've ruined my life. And worse, hers.

Oryx

Ive split your post into paragraphs op, just for ease of reading.

Miss Fluff

1. Stop drinking
2. Get your GP to refer you to a therapist, specifically for CBT as it seems you haven't dealt with what happened you in childhood
3. Get an STI test
4. You can't undo what you did but you can start to rebuild your life, learn from what has happened, and move on.

eeijlar

As Miss Fluff said... go see a counsellor. Get yourself sorted out. It might be the only way to salvage the relationship. If you can commit to taking decisive positive action, and show her that you are willing to do whatever you can to deal with your problems.. that might just be enough. Counselling is no joke if you do it properly. Depending on the kind of issues you have you could be talking several years of therapy. There is no other way. This is going to cause you problems for the rest of your life if you don't get it sorted now. There is no second time around in this old crazy world. Try and get it right this time.

Good luck!

jessiejam

Miss Fluff wrote: »

1. Stop drinking
2. Get your GP to refer you to a therapist, specifically for CBT as it seems you haven't dealt with what happened you in childhood
3. Get an STI test
4. You can't undo what you did but you can start to rebuild your life, learn from what has happened, and move on.

+1
Do what miss fluff said op
You haven't ruined your life or that of your girlfriends. You've made a mistake. We all make mistakes in life, regret some and move on. As for your girlfriend shes hurt and you can't blame her. Show her your post, it might help her come to terms with what happened.

Would you feel any better if it was just a ONS? The only difference is the cash tbh.

Lots of people cheat, i'm not condoning it in the slightest, but people get through it.
You should definately get yourself some professional help and sort your own head out before you think about trying to get your girlfriend back. If thats what you want

LegacyUser

Hmmm...

Yes, counseling could help, as could stopping to drink. To be honest many men go and use prostitutes and your core beliefs behind this has led yo to feel the way you do. I wouldn't feel bad about seeing a prostitute, but I would feel bad about cheating (this you can apologise for and learn from, that's ALL you can do, I'm afraid...). I don't think you're mentally ill, at all, and you have to realise that we all do silly things like this that really disrupt our path. Talk to your GP, tell them it was out of character and that you have issues that need clearing up, but I doubt (from a guy who has had some mental illnesses in his life) that you have anything to be worried about - you had sex with a prostitute, it's disgusting but many men do it and now you're one of them. Never do it again, apologise profusely to your ex and you might just be able to sort out your life. This isn't the end of the road, dude, I'm sure you're a great guy with a LOT of insight. You seem sensitive and understanding of what you've done wrong - this suggests you have good morals and realise the difference between right and wrong. You f'ed up, we all do, don't be hard on yourself and win back that lady!

xx

LegacyUser

Yeah you did a terrible thing, definitely not the worst thing i've heard of, but at least you realise it and regret it and you had the guts to tell your girlfriend. I think when she calms down she will appreciate that. Definitely get the STI side sorted out, for your girlfriends sake as well even if you haven't slept with her since it will be peace of mind if she goes back to you. Writing her a letter and trying to explain what you were feeling at the time and how you are feeling now, and definite steps you are taking to sort it out, i.e. counselling. At least as she calms down and comes to terms with it in her head she can read and reread the letter, it will answer any questions she might have as they come into her head. Hopefully all is not lost yet, and she may appreciate how much it took for you to tell her.

LighterGuy

Op,
yeah you screwed up.

but you know what... fair balls to you for being honest and telling her. Theres millions of people out there that if they cheat they wont say a thing to their partners.

By telling her, it shows you felt guilty. You made a mistake. As others have said just chalk it down to experience.

piotro2

OP. Rough situation. I'm a guy, and I have had women cheat on me. It did not end the relationship, we worked through it. The point is that the guilty party try and genuinely regrets it.

People should not be judged by their mistakes but by their desire and will to make amends for them. What you can do to help fix this should also be what you are willing to do.

Words will not help your situation with your girlfriend. You need to take action. Like people have suggested. Issue a full blown apology. Do not justify your mistake in any way. You apology should not speak of how terrible you are, how bad you feel, why you think you did it (This needs to be the emotions you must have had and what weaknesses in you you believe caused those emotions). Your apology should not ask for forgiveness. In fact, it should not even necessarily suggest any course of action by your girlfriend.

Next thing is to do like others suggested. Get tested. Join AA or some alcohol related group. Counseling is not a bad idea but I personally believe with the proper insight into self, you can achieve the same thing at home.

I recommend you read, Stephen Covey - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This book is a very powerful insight into the human condition and it has worked miracles in my life. I truly believe it will help you understand why you did what you did. I also think it will highly improve your ability to express yourself and communicate your true meanings to your partner.

Hope is not all lost, though the journey to rebuild trust is incredibly long. If your partner loves you, trust me, she is looking for any reasons to stay with you. You cannot convince her with words anymore because the trust is gone so you need to take actions that will show her truly how remorseful you are and hopefully she will come to the conclusion on her own to come back to you.

Hope this helps.

Darlughda

Okay you were obviously in the horrors when you started this thread.

How are you feeling now OP about the whole situation?

Do you think there may be something within yourself that wanted a situation to occur that would stop progression with your girlfriend?

Its all very well blaming the drink, like its some external force controlling your behaviour, and running off to AA to declare that you are powerless over alcohol and you are terribly sorry and all that.

But at the end of the day, you know that is BS, alcohol doesn't make you do anything, sure, it can bring out the very worst in you.

What is that worst?
Do you want to break up with her really?
Do you have the sex you really want/ Do you have doubts?
Why a prostitute rather than a drunk girl in a club?

Its easy, particularly in a guilt society like Ireland to run from really looking at what is causing our behaviour and to feel bad, dreadful, unworthy etc... rather than really admit what our true feelings and desires are.

Kimia

Agree with the above. Yes, it is terrible that you did this and you will almost certainly not get your girlfriend back, so the real question you need to be asking yourself is why did you orchestrate such a devastating act of self-sabotage?