So Need Advice

LegacyUser

Hi there, been reading through some posts and some great advice given. Just hope someone can do the same for me.
I'll try to make it brief, but after a really awful year, have just taken leave from my job and moved to a totally new city where I know nobody. When I was going through such a hard time, I ws desperate to get away and would have sold my soul to achieve it. Now that I am, I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not a person who makes friends easily and am not in any way confident or posessing anything like 'normal' self esteem. i've tried to work out these issues through councilling, but I still feel like there is something fundementally wrong with me. I'm sitting in tears writing this, wondering what the hell I've just done. I've no job here(will look for temporary work) so no real outlet for meeting people. The job I do isn't very socially orientated either, so am so limited. All the despair, hopelessness and anguish I've felt for the last year is just welling up inside and I don't know what to do. Ive now just moved away from any support I had. I know that everyone will say to join clubs and that, in reality, there is no real answer - just think I need to verbalise the anguish I feel right now.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hey there, oh you poor thing!

Ok, first off - you've just made a huge decision and of course it's ok to have frightened yourself silly, that's a brave move. But it was obviously the only course of action for you at the time - how would you be feeling if you were back in the old home with the old job? Wishing you were where you are now.

The main thing to note is that you've JUST moved, you don't even know your surroundings yet never mind people/job etc. You need to take some chill out time in your new city - be a tourist and have a wander around - enjoy the freedom of not running into the same old faces every day, that's one of the things I love about being anywhere new and I'm not particularly antisocial or anything!

Then look into finding a job, with that will come acquantances at the very least, if not friends. If you had such support at home I'm sure they'll understand your reasons for moving and not drop you like a hot brick - they're only at the other end of the phone, can you go back and visit or have them visit you?

Worst case scenario - you can go back - but I think you'd be annoyed at yourself for not giving it a go. Take a few deep breaths and try and relax - get some sleep and look at your new home with fresh eyes in the morning. You've done the hard part and you don't need to know everything and everybody straight away - you need some you time to get your head together.

Hope it all works out for you, night night!

tenchi-fan

From you post it sounds like you went on holiday to a black cloud of despair.

Where exactly did you really go, and for how long? are you ok for cash? maybe people here could give you some ideas. For example, buy a guide book and see a bunch of sights, visit a museum, buy a novel and read it in a coffee shop etc. You can actually start to enjoy your own company.. don't feel pressured to join clubs or meet loads of new people. Just try to relax! And when you're more comfortable with yourself take some time to figure out what you expect to achieve and then put the work in to make it happen.

i know from experience you can't just run away from your problems but you can take a break from them - don't worry, your old life will be here when you get back so don't be in any hurry.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, what you've said is so true and they're the exact words I keep repeating to myself to help calm me. Thought going to a city where I knew nobody would give me the chance to think things true, begin a new social life as most of my friends are married or coupled up. Broke up with boyfriend last yr and still not over it - this was part of reason for big move.Would always have though of myself as someone very comfortable on my own and in own company, but this is proving so difficult. Also know job will be hard to come by and prob won't meet many people through it. i am so mixed up. lonely and lost it frightens me. Don't know how I'll climb out of this. will just take time I guess.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I know you don't want to hear the "join club" stuff but seriously, it works. I moved country to a place where I only knew the person I moved with. It's horribly lonely and isolating but the only way to make friends and get interests is to put yourself out there, meet people and join clubs and meets with like-minded people who share in one of your interests.

If your job doesn't let you socialise much then you are going to have to find other ways of meeting people and socialising. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Have a look in the local paper or library pin-board for new clubs and groups on in your area.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

I know you don't want to hear the "join club" stuff but seriously, it works. I moved country to a place where I only knew the person I moved with. It's horribly lonely and isolating but the only way to make friends and get interests is to put yourself out there, meet people and join clubs and meets with like-minded people who share in one of your interests.

If your job doesn't let you socialise much then you are going to have to find other ways of meeting people and socialising. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Have a look in the local paper or library pin-board for new clubs and groups on in your area.

Best of luck.

Thanks, I know you're totally right, am just in such a panic now I can't think straight. Everywhere I go I see people in groups of friends and just feel so lonely and depressed. Been suffering from it for a while and this probably might not have been my best idea. Just find it so hard to make friends as i always think I'm just a waste of space. I know people will read this and think 'what a moaner' and i agree, I've no right to feel like this and I apologise to those who really are suffering. I just can't see anything improving - no light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I thought long and hard bout this, now I'm thinking what have I done?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Listen try not to panic, are you in a hostel or your own place? If this does not work out,you cant find work or whatever you can always just go home keep telling yourself this, you can go home, at least you tried it out and it didn't work out, thats ok.

In the meantime (if you are deciding to stay for 'x"amount of time) just take each day as it comes, maybe tomorrow work will turn up, seeing groups together is hard cos you have no group there, have been in this situation..I know it's hard..just try and focus on getting work sorted, maybe go for a run or swim to take your mind off it and tomoorw is another day

I did yoga nearly every day, didnt make any friends there but felt much better after each class!

LegacyUser

trainers wrote: »

Hi OP,

Listen try not to panic, are you in a hostel or your own place? If this does not work out,you cant find work or whatever you can always just go home keep telling yourself this, you can go home, at least you tried it out and it didn't work out, thats ok.

In the meantime (if you are deciding to stay for 'x"amount of time) just take each day as it comes, maybe tomorrow work will turn up, seeing groups together is hard cos you have no group there, have been in this situation..I know it's hard..just try and focus on getting work sorted, maybe go for a run or swim to take your mind off it and tomoorw is another day

I did yoga nearly every day, didnt make any friends there but felt much better after each class!

Thanks for that, i actually moved into a house with others, but I don't know them and people have their own lives to live rather than being friendly with strangers!! As regards work I teach so schools not back yet and it will be diff to get even sub work. Just can't face back not having even given it a try, so am going to try and take it one day at a time. I feel so pathetic, having planned this for so long and now to crumble like this - it was a deliberate choice and it will be my mistake. I was warned but was so intent on trying to do this my way I didn't listen. I feel like a total failure at everything, esp social areas like friends. It seems like everything i touch turms to failure. Sorry for the self pitying nature of ths moan, that makes me feel even more wretched.

LegacyUser

trainers wrote: »

Hi OP,

Listen try not to panic, are you in a hostel or your own place? If this does not work out,you cant find work or whatever you can always just go home keep telling yourself this, you can go home, at least you tried it out and it didn't work out, thats ok.

In the meantime (if you are deciding to stay for 'x"amount of time) just take each day as it comes, maybe tomorrow work will turn up, seeing groups together is hard cos you have no group there, have been in this situation..I know it's hard..just try and focus on getting work sorted, maybe go for a run or swim to take your mind off it and tomoorw is another day

I did yoga nearly every day, didnt make any friends there but felt much better after each class!

Thanks for that advice. I actually moved into a house but I don't know anyone and everyone has their own lives to live rather than having to deal with strangers. As for work, i teach, so schools not back yet and probably little chance of substitute work at this stage, even if there is any available. I feel like a total idiot, having planned this for so long to crumble like this immediately. I am going to try and stay for at least a few months, so as you say will just have to take it one day at a time, even though the urge to go home is overwhelming. I know it takes time to settle anywhere, but just so scared and lonely it frightens me. Will try looking for classes to join and go from there. I feel like such a abject failure, I can't even do this right. So sorry for being such a self pitying bore, but I literally can't stop myself from crying.

tenchi-fan

I went to australia on a year long visa a few years ago. It had the opposite effect on me.. i stayed in hostels and met some nice people, you could literally ask someone you just met to go to the cinema or on a day trip or for a hike.. you just have to put yourself out there a bit.

I only lasted there 3 months and it was such a regret coming home so early & that i didn't make a better go of living there.

anyway, my suggestion is to join groups, share a house rather than renting alone (generally this will make you realise how nice it is to have your own house :P ) and make an effort to strike up conversation with strangers even if it's completely out of character for you.

LegacyUser

I know I will totally regret it if I don't give it a proper chance. Have moved into a house share and if this house doesn't work, can always move. Thanks for your words of advice, i really don't know what I expected to happen, in that I knew I didn't know people. Just will have to deal with it. Never expected to feel like this, and when I couple this with feeling low anyway, it has totally unnerved me. Been through some tough times, and never expected this to rival them. It helps to know how others dealt with it