Old Fashioned Father

LegacyUser

Hi,

Hope someone can help, or is in the same situation. Basically, for as long as I can remember, my father has never had a good word to say about me, he's a typical old fashioned farmer, and expects me to spend all my free time working on the farm. No matter how much work I do, he will never praise or even thank me, and if I go away and can't help him for the day, all I hear is how I never do any work at home. Even this has made me lose any motivation I ever had to help him.

I don't care about being paid for the work, but to be told that I haven't done anything all day, after spending a day doing college work or study, is not easy to take. If I try to defend myself or argue, all I get is the usual story of how he pays for everything, and while I live in his house, I do what he says.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

If I try to defend myself or argue, all I get is the usual story of how he pays for everything, and while I live in his house, I do what he says.

Well, is it true? Does he pay for everything?
If you don't like your fathers rules, get a job and go live elsewhere.
You're not going to change him or how he sees you, so that's your only option.

tinkerbell

^^ Exactly. Put up with it until you move out, but until then you'll just have to suck it up unfortunately.

katie99

tinkerbell wrote: »

^^ Exactly. Put up with it until you move out, but until then you'll just have to suck it up unfortunately.

He shouldn't have to do either. Why should he put up with his father berating him all the time and why should he move out?

He is studying.

His father sounds like a Tom Riordan figure of a Dinny figure. Old fashioned men who wore the same bloody overcoat every day, tied in the middle with twine and a dirty pair of trousers and wellingtons.

His father should cop on and realise his son is getting a third level education and helps out when he can around the farm.

These old fashioned farmers need to change their views and attitudes.
He probably beat the living daylights out of his son with a leather strap for years.

Victor

katie99 wrote: »

He shouldn't have to do either. Why should he put up with his father berating him all the time and why should he move out?

He is studying.

His father sounds like a Tom Riordan figure of a Dinny figure. Old fashioned men who wore the same bloody overcoat every day, tied in the middle with twine and a dirty pair of trousers and wellingtons.

His father should cop on and realise his son is getting a third level education and helps out when he can around the farm.

These old fashioned farmers need to change their views and attitudes.
He probably beat the living daylights out of his son with a leather strap for years.

Stop inventing stuff / projecting.

tinkerbell

katie99 wrote: »

He shouldn't have to do either. Why should he put up with his father berating him all the time and why should he move out?

He is studying.

His father sounds like a Tom Riordan figure of a Dinny figure. Old fashioned men who wore the same bloody overcoat every day, tied in the middle with twine and a dirty pair of trousers and wellingtons.

His father should cop on and realise his son is getting a third level education and helps out when he can around the farm.

These old fashioned farmers need to change their views and attitudes.
He probably beat the living daylights out of his son with a leather strap for years.

His dad is funding him while he's in college. He doesn't need to do this. If the OP wants to not have to listen to his dad complain that he doesn't do enough work on the farm, then the OP should get a job, move out and then he won't have to listen to it anymore.

And perhaps the OP needs to sit down with his dad, and have a discussion about this, show him the amount of work he is doing in college / needs to study in the evenings. Assuming the OP's dad didn't go to college, then how can he be expected to know how much time college takes up?

Wagon

Your Dad has two choices. He can either stop demanding help on his farm so you have the time to get some work and earn your own wage, or start paying you for the work you put in.

Children don't ask to be born, parents bring them into the world. This means supporting them, or at least giving them the time to support themselves. Your old man isn't going to do that? Drop out of college, look for a job (abroad if you have to), move out and leave the old bastard on his own. You can go back to college in the future if you need to.

MonkeyBone

Hi Op, sorry to here about you situation. I was in a similar situation as yours and I can understand your frustration. My dad has since passed away though. You should be commended for all that you are doing. You say that you dad is an old fashion farmer and mine was much the same. I never got a word of praise or thanks from him for anything I did while balancing college and farm work too when he got older and when he fell ill. But do you know what, I bet that you father boasts about you to his friends and relatives when he meets them and you are at college! I know that that may be hard to believe at times but I bet if you could ask his friends or peers they would tell you how proud he is of you. It may be a generational thing and as hard as it is I ask you to try and understand and get to know the man. My father grew up having to take over the farm at the age of 14 while working in the forestry and he didn't get to know his dad very well so he lacked the parenting skills that we all see on television nowadays... he simply may not know how to give praise or be as open when talking. it took me alongtime to realise this. Some times in life you have to get along in order to get on.... in fact most of the time this is the case. Try talking to him, be it about the farm, about the future, reps, about plans to fence a field if thats what it takes and try asking him about his life and his past experiences etc... it will be a gradual thing but you will see an improvement in your relationship. It may be that your dad sees/fears you doing your college thing without regard for the future of the farm, a farm which he has spent his life building and improving.... For most old fashioned farmers (like my dad) they see a farm as a legacy to be passed on and they are critical because they want to know that those that inherit that legacy has the same appreciation for its worth before they pass on the reins.

My dad has passed away in January and I wish I tried to do these things but I hope that what I have said is of some help to you. Try and bite back your frustration if you can. Remember that he is your dad after all and eventhough he may not show it he really does care about you.

2manyconditions

unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

Hope someone can help, or is in the same situation. Basically, for as long as I can remember, my father has never had a good word to say about me, he's a typical old fashioned farmer, and expects me to spend all my free time working on the farm. No matter how much work I do, he will never praise or even thank me, and if I go away and can't help him for the day, all I hear is how I never do any work at home. Even this has made me lose any motivation I ever had to help him.

I don't care about being paid for the work, but to be told that I haven't done anything all day, after spending a day doing college work or study, is not easy to take. If I try to defend myself or argue, all I get is the usual story of how he pays for everything, and while I live in his house, I do what he says.

Hey Op,

A previous poster(s) is right in that you cant change him or his attitute towards you. Until you move off and then he'll have noone presuming your an only child, if not don't forget the younger ones.

Any chance you could transfer college. Prob not but you need to stop giving him your timetable. Big up the hours you have to spend in college. You also have labs on a Saturday etc. etc. Time to reduce the time you spend if he is not grateful for the free help. Spend more time studying in the lib than at home.

If you have a day off - don't say anything to him about it. Go to the libruary - Concentrate on your studies. You don't want to flunk out of college you'd never ever hear the end of it then.

I would suggest that instead of arguing with him, ignore him, don't answer back, stick in a pair of earphones/switch off (easier said than done, but a parent that speaks to a child like that for that long, doesn't get that its wrong and hurtful). Hes on power trip. He prob enjoys the fact that this gets to you. Maybe he didn't have the same opportunities as you and feels resentful to you for that. Thats his problem not yours.

I'd also stay out of his company as much as you can, if you have to work with him don't give him a chance to belittle you. You keep listening to that stuff you might start to believe it which would be a disaster. I hope you have a good group of friends to take your mind off this at the weekend.

Take care

Cheap Thrills!

You have to understand in your Fathers generation kids were expected to go out to work the minute they left school so for you to still be getting supported through college as ann 'adult' is a weird concept for him. But in the end you should be grateful or leave.

It's 'normal' now for young adults to go to college after school and expect the parents to pay their way for them, but even in my youth that concept was alien. You were on your own at 17.

It's just a generational difference. He probably views you as being a bit soft and coddled if he never got an education paid for and support.

Don't take it to heart too much.

Wagon

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You have to understand in your Fathers generation kids were expected to go out to work the minute they left school so for you to still be getting supported through college as ann 'adult' is a weird concept for him. But in the end you should be grateful or leave.

Well, my parents came from the same generation. My dad was working from 18 and my mother from 16. I suppored myself as much as possible when in college with jobs and helped out at the house and they were happy to help me in return if i needed it, which was not often at all. Difference is, i had the time to work and pay my own way. They wearn't making me work on a bloody farm for free.

Being grateful doesn't necessarily mean that you have to accept being treated like crap. This is the father's problem, completely.

eeijlar

I was in exactly the same situation as you when I was 18. I escaped to college. One way to sort him out would be to get a part time job, off-farm, and pay your own way. He's from that generation who are obsessed with working themselves to death with no regard for quality of life. If he starts giving you crap just walk away. Tell him that you won't do anything until he starts giving you some respect.

The other thing to do is leave him off. Let him say whatever he wants... just completely ignore him. It's his problem, not yours.

Cheap Thrills!

Wagon wrote: »

Well, my parents came from the same generation. My dad was working from 18 and my mother from 16. I suppored myself as much as possible when in college with jobs and helped out at the house and they were happy to help me in return if i needed it, which was not often at all. Difference is, i had the time to work and pay my own way. They wearn't making me work on a bloody farm for free.

He may not be working for free though if his father supports him...young adults are not entitled to be supported through college by parents, it's a favour the parents elect to do if they're kind enough.

Wagon wrote: »

Being grateful doesn't necessarily mean that you have to accept being treated like crap. This is the father's problem, completely.

That I would agree with. The lack of kindness and criticism is terrible and damaging. The father is giving but giving with bad grace.

Jesus Juice

Just stop helping him on the farm for a while and see how much extra work he has on himself!