What is the etiquette in this situation?

whatdoicare

Hiya, just wanted to ask,
My cousin is getting married in Rome next week and hasn't invited anyone only his immediate family.
They are having a party when they come back in September (I assume it will be similar to a 21st or engagement party) and we're invited to this. The soon to be newly weds were also invited to our own full wedding with their kids and gave a money gift.
In this situation, what kind of gift do I give? Do I match what they gave even though we didn't get to see the ceremony? I have no clue what the etiquette is in this situation, my initial reaction is to match the gift but my OH says not to and to treat it like an evening invite? I don't know what to do here

tinkerbell

How close are you to your cousin?

whatdoicare

tinkerbell wrote: »

How close are you to your cousin?

We'd be good friends but I wouldn't be meeting him every weekend or anything.

OS119

whatdoicare wrote: »

In this situation, what kind of gift do I give? Do I match what they gave even though we didn't get to see the ceremony? I have no clue what the etiquette is in this situation, my initial reaction is to match the gift but my OH says not to and to treat it like an evening invite? I don't know what to do here

i'd perhaps treat it as somewhere between the two options - you're OH is correct in that it kind of is like an evening invite (just a somewhat postponed evening do) and you are correct in that you are invited to what is, for all practical purposes, the 'main event'.

in terms of 'matching' their gift i wouldn't bother - what matters is what you are comfortable giving: if you have less disposable income than them you should take that into account - and you should not worry about either contributing to their wedding fund, or 'paying your way' at the reception. both the wedding and the reception are for their benefit, and the details were chosen by them, for them. if they can't really afford that that's their problem.

if your cousin bought a car they knew couldn't afford but continued with the purchase because 'its what they'd always wanted', would you dip your hand into your pocket to help pay for fuel, servicing, tyres etc?

WaltKowalski

I give presents based on how close I am to the couple, not based on how they wish to mark the special occasion in their lives.

tinkerbell

WaltKowalski wrote: »

I give presents based on how close I am to the couple, not based on how they wish to mark the special occasion in their lives.

I couldn't agree more with this!

whatdoicare

WaltKowalski wrote: »

I give presents based on how close I am to the couple, not based on how they wish to mark the special occasion in their lives.

But how do you typically work it out? Like, how much for a very close couple and how much for a relative you're close to but only see every few months?

What kind of gift would you give to a couple you are related to who didn't invite anyone to their wedding?

shinikins

Personally i would treat it like any other wedding invitation, and give a gift i think the couple would appreciate. Your giving a gift in celebration of their marriage, not as appreciation for a big church ceremony and sit down meal!

whatdoicare

shinikins wrote: »

Personally i would treat it like any other wedding invitation, and give a gift i think the couple would appreciate. Your giving a gift in celebration of their marriage, not as appreciation for a big church ceremony and sit down meal!

Well, that was my initial reaction - to match what they gave us. My OH is having problems with it as he feels that it is more like we invited them to our full wedding and they are inviting us to what he feels is the evening do. He's a bit insulted, I reckon.

I think we might compromise and give less money and maybe a small gift or something along those lines.

Tilt Gone

whatdoicare wrote: »

Well, that was my initial reaction - to match what they gave us. My OH is having problems with it as he feels that it is more like we invited them to our full wedding and they are inviting us to what he feels is the evening do. He's a bit insulted, I reckon.

I think we might compromise and give less money and maybe a small gift or something along those lines.

Maybe they have decided on only imeduiate family becaause the thought of a big wedding terrifies the bride. I know my girlfriend only want our immediate family at ours even though we have been invited to the full day of all of her cousins weddings.
Your boyfriend shouldn't feel insulted as this might be the case.

whatdoicare

Tilt Gone wrote: »

Maybe they have decided on only imeduiate family becaause the thought of a big wedding terrifies the bride. I know my girlfriend only want our immediate family at ours even though we have been invited to the full day of all of her cousins weddings.
Your boyfriend shouldn't feel insulted as this might be the case.

I don't think this is the case, she's a pretty outgoing person, I assume it's budget reasons...but to be honest, we're not sure what's going on. We weren't really given any kind of explanation.

Malari

whatdoicare wrote: »

I don't think this is the case, she's a pretty outgoing person, I assume it's budget reasons...but to be honest, we're not sure what's going on. We weren't really given any kind of explanation.

I think part of your dilemma is that most weddings tend to be formulaic (I don't mean that in a negative way!) and guests, if they give cash, feel that they are in some way paying for their evening's food, drink and entertainment.

I would suggest trying to think of the occasion more like a birthday. You are giving a present because it's the person's birthday, not in response to whether they decide to celebrate by going out for a meal, having a party, just meeting up in the pub, going away for a spa weekend, etc. If you invited everyone around for a home-cooked meal for your birthday and your friend just wants to go for a drink in the local, I don't think she's entitled to less of a present because of that.

My friend did a similar thing for her wedding. Just immediate family for the ceremony and party in a bar/restaurant for everyone else. I gave her a present because she was getting married, not because of the standard of entertainment she was providing.

I suppose I think like this because if I ever got married it would be in a completely non-traditional way!

inquisitive one

i have a very similar dilemma, a cousin is marrying next month in a small do in italy (immediate family & a close friends only) & they are not having any sort of celebration when they return as they are a very quiet couple & a reception / party just isn't them but do you still need to give them a gift / money even though you are not in any way a part of their celebration.

whatdoicare

Malari wrote: »

I would suggest trying to think of the occasion more like a birthday. You are giving a present because it's the person's birthday, not in response to whether they decide to celebrate by going out for a meal, having a party, just meeting up in the pub, going away for a spa weekend, etc. If you invited everyone around for a home-cooked meal for your birthday and your friend just wants to go for a drink in the local, I don't think she's entitled to less of a present because of that.

By this logic, I shouldn't give anything at all as we've never exchanged birthday or Christmas gifts. The only time I would give a gift is if he had a celebration and I was invited to the whole lot of it, like a 21st - I would feel I had to buy a gift in that circumstance. In this circumstance, they're having a celebration and we're not invited to the main part just to a meeting in a pub a week or so later - If this was his birthday, I'd only give a card and buy him a pint in this circumstance.

whatdoicare

inquisitive one wrote: »

i have a very similar dilemma, a cousin is marrying next month in a small do in italy (immediate family & a close friends only) & they are not having any sort of celebration when they return as they are a very quiet couple & a reception / party just isn't them but do you still need to give them a gift / money even though you are not in any way a part of their celebration.

I'd just send a card if i was you, you're invited to even less than I am! You're as good as not invited to their wedding.

Malari

whatdoicare wrote: »

By this logic, I shouldn't give anything at all as we've never exchanged birthday or Christmas gifts. The only time I would give a gift is if he had a celebration and I was invited to the whole lot of it, like a 21st - I would feel I had to buy a gift in that circumstance. In this circumstance, they're having a celebration and we're not invited to the main part just to a meeting in a pub a week or so later - If this was his birthday, I'd only give a card and buy him a pint in this circumstance.

Well, I didn't mean the birthday of this particular person. I just meant in general, as an example. I don't exchange christmas or birthday gifts with my cousin either, for example, but if she got married (in no matter what kind of ceremony or party) I'd still like to get her a gift for that occasion in her life. HOWEVER, I have plenty of cousins I never see and if they invited me to a big do I wouldn't feel obliged to give them a comparable big gift. I would probably give a voucher or something.

I suppose I'm trying to say I don't think there is proper etiquette, but just how you feel about this particular cousin.

whatdoicare

Malari wrote: »

Well, I didn't mean the birthday of this particular person. I just meant in general, as an example. I don't exchange christmas or birthday gifts with my cousin either, for example, but if she got married (in no matter what kind of ceremony or party) I'd still like to get her a gift for that occasion in her life. HOWEVER, I have plenty of cousins I never see and if they invited me to a big do I wouldn't feel obliged to give them a comparable big gift. I would probably give a voucher or something.

I suppose I'm trying to say I don't think there is proper etiquette, but just how you feel about this particular cousin.

Haha I understand what yr saying...I also, think yr starting to see where I'm coming from in that the more you think about it the more confusing it gets. On the one hand he got to go the whole lot of our wedding and gave us a gift to celebrate (and we were happy to pay for the pleasure of his, his fiancee and their kids company for the day) and on the other he's not letting us see him get married and were invited to a pub meeting which is not a wedding, he'll be married more than a month before this party happens, if at all. I would have given him the same he gave me, my OH says no a smaller gift is what we should give, if this was any other situation I would have given him nothing only a drink and a card....so we finally decided on less money and small gift. We think this is a fair way of doing it.

shinikins

My OH is having problems with it as he feels that it is more like we invited them to our full wedding and they are inviting us to what he feels is the evening do. He's a bit insulted, I reckon.

Have you asked him how he'd feel if he was invited to the wedding and had to worry about the cost of air fare and hotels? They're doing you a favour by not inviting you, and they obviously just want a small and personal ceremony, so he really shouldn't be insulted.

WaltKowalski

whatdoicare wrote: »

But how do you typically work it out? Like, how much for a very close couple and how much for a relative you're close to but only see every few months?

What kind of gift would you give to a couple you are related to who didn't invite anyone to their wedding?

I do have my own protocols when it comes to wedding gifts.

Personally, I give €200 to good friends who get married, €150 to close relatives - that's whether I'm invited to whatever sort of do they're hosting or not.

Relatives I see often but am not close to, I give €100 - invite or not.

Relatives that I only see at funerals or weddings, colleagues and old friends that I no longer have much contact with that invite me (to any sort of do), I give €100, not invited, I give nothing.

Anything I gift is given with genuine good wishes and I don't begrudge it.
I always give cash.
I don't enjoy weddings so often turn down invites but always give as above.

whatdoicare

shinikins wrote: »

Have you asked him how he'd feel if he was invited to the wedding and had to worry about the cost of air fare and hotels? They're doing you a favour by not inviting you, and they obviously just want a small and personal ceremony, so he really shouldn't be insulted.

They're not really as when they first mentioned Rome we saved for the trip and were prepared for the expense. As far as we were concerned, we were delighted to pay to see them marry and we would have gotten a holiday out of it. It was disappointing to learn that they had decided not to invite anyone. In our eyes, he did us no favour, only made us feel awkward about giving them a gift.