Going through Phases after Separation

LegacyUser

So myself and my ex broke up about a year ago. We were married. We only went out for 4 years in total including 2 years of marriage. The last 1.5yrs were a nightmare. Constant arguments, me being left alone in our home all the time, no affection from him at all. I knew things were getting bad and tried to fix it but nothing worked. In the end he admitted he didn't want me anymore and starting seeing someone else.

I met my current guy 9 months ago. We met and dated quite innocently for about 2 months before we had the chat. He wanted it to be more solid and so from then on we were going out. Our first couple of encounters didn't go very well.... like worst disaster date stories. But we get on very well. He knew my story from day 1 and was fantastic over it.

From the beginning I've been going through phases... one minute we're madly in love and I'm smitten. We have lovely weekends together where I literally can't take my eyes off him. I think he's gorgeous kind fabulous and I want a future with him.

Other times (like every couple of weeks) I think i'm mad to be looking at it like that and how do I know i'm happy with him after what happened. I find him too clingy, too affectionate, too many phone calls, all too much. He's very understanding and normally gives me some space when I need it but i'm wondering when these feelings are going to go away.

This will sound stupid because i'm a big girl but he's bigger than I am and sometimes I think why won't he get fit, which yes is a contradiction but my weight embarrasses me and I want to do something about it. He doesn't. He's tried diets and we both end up getting take away instead... we're as bad as each other. Then the times I'm mad about him it doesn't bother me. I feel under pressure from my work crowd to bring him out with us but i'm scared of being judged, about how he'll come across, about how we'll be perceived together.

We spend every weekend together, which at the moment I find a bit much. Then when I don't see him for a weekend I carry on like a love sick teenager. Is this normal? Is it because of what I went through or is it my guy? I can't tell.... I want to throw myself into this but anytime I feel that I am, I get myself back into one of my phases and like I have to pretend or not let on I feel that way.

My ex swept me off my feet - there was nothing holding me back. I fell and boy did I fall. But this time, no matter how many buches of flowers or chocolates or meals I get, its not the same. It doesn't make that big of an impact. What the hell is wrong with me? Here's this lovely guy who loves the bones of me and I love him one minute and need my space the next.... I'm scared I'll hurt him and eventually realise it's not for me. I'm scared if I break up with him I'll realise I've made a huge mistake and he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Btw... we are cooling the jets. There's no real talk of the future etc. He currently lives at home but is moving into his own place in a couple of weeks. So he's always in mine all weekend which I find a bit much...

Someone please help me - has anyone been through this? I just want to be happy.

StarryMoon0

Well, you've been hurt, and sometimes that takes a while to get over.
Your analysing things to make sure you don't get hurt again maybe?

Everyone needs thier space, you can't spend all the time together, if you do not have seperate lives it's not healthy. WHats wrong with not seeing him on a weekend?? The fact that you then behave like a lovesick puppy is kinda nice, shows that you do miss him, but you DO need time apart now and then.
If you have your own seperate activities, you can then appreciate the time you have with him.

The things like being too clingy ect..well, some people are like that, depends on if you can handle it. Chat with him about it, tell him to back up a bit. If he cares for you as much as you think he does, he will understand your need to take things slow.

As for the weight issue, well you can't force him to lose weight. As for being embarrased about his weight, ok, fair enough, but if your truly care for him why would you worry about other people think? Who's opinion matters more than yours??

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice guys. It makes a lot of sense. You're right, I don't know why I feel under this pressure at the weekends - perhaps it's that he still lives at home (Has problems there and prefers to stay away as much as he can)

Anyway I spoke to him on the phone the other night. Explained pretty much this entire thread to him leaving out the weight thing (OBV)

He said he agrees about the weekend that its a bit much and he'll be moving out in 3 weeks and things will be better then. He was very good about it. He said because I've been married, I've pretty much seen it all, so a bunch of flowers won't have the same effect... that anything he does pales in comparison but thats natural (He was a year single after a 6 year relationship when I met him) but he's gonna keep buying me treats coz he wants to lol

We're off to Paris in a couple of weeks and he said he plans to sweep me off my feet over there He came down last night and wasn't as affectionate which I appreciated. It actually made me more amorous... so I made sure I told him before I went to sleep that I found it perfect - just a little kiss now and again not mauling each other like teenagers lol

I've also booked a spa treatment with a friend for a saturday in a couple of weeks and we're gonna have lunch and a few drinks and spoil ourselves... told the bf that I needed more time to do these things with friends.

So hopefully it's sorted it out somewhat. I feel fine now... but my main concern is that in a couple of weeks I'm afraid these feelings will surface again and I get so upset when they do.

StarryMoon0

Just relax, look after yourself and have fun.
IF and when, in a couple weeks things surface again, deal with it then. Don't expect the worse and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy

YOu can find a million things wrong with something if you sit down and give it serious thought. Don't sabotage the relationship, just go with the flow. I say this in the context that you sound generally happy with things..
If at soem stage in the future it doesn't work out, well... deal with it then.

Be you own woman, love yourself, and have fun