The Gay Best MAte

LegacyUser

A bit confused and not really sure how to feel...

I have a great and trusting relationship with my girlfriend of a year. But an issue came up recently and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

She has a very close gay friend. He's a very nice guy and we get along very well. I'd actually consider him a friend of sorts at this stage.

He lives in another town to us. Last weekend my girlfriend went to visit him for a night out in his town (something they have been doing regularly long before I came on the scene.)

I found out they shared a bed that night. I dont believe anything actually happened. He's definatly very gay, and I know she's not the cheating type.

My problem is that I feel disrespected. Surely I should be the only man to share a bed with her, gay or not. Its not a question of cheating, but is there a line that was crossed?

I'm far from the jealous type, and it could be a non-issue...but what do ya think. What would you do if you found your partner shared a bed with their gay best friend?

AnonoBoy

sleeping on the couch wrote: »

A bit confused and not really sure how to feel...

I have a great and trusting relationship with my girlfriend of a year. But an issue came up recently and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

She has a very close gay friend. He's a very nice guy and we get along very well. I'd actually consider him a friend of sorts at this stage.

He lives in another town to us. Last weekend my girlfriend went to visit him for a night out in his town (something they have been doing regularly long before I came on the scene.)

I found out they shared a bed that night. I dont believe anything actually happened. He's definatly very gay, and I know she's not the cheating type.

My problem is that I feel disrespected. Surely I should be the only man to share a bed with her, gay or not. Its not a question of cheating, but is there a line that was crossed?

I'm far from the jealous type, and it could be a non-issue...but what do ya think. What would you do if you found your partner shared a bed with their gay best friend?

You're sure he's gay and you trust her. It's a bit of a non-issue then.

If she shared a bed with a straight girl would you feel the same?

cinderella2010

Gosh it never really crossed my mind that it would be an issue to share a bed with my oh so gay male friend....I wouldn't have thought my OH would have a problem but I suppose I see your point - I am sure your OH didn't even consider it to be disrespectful as its the same for her as sleeping with one of her girl buds - you should really mention this to her if its bothering you rather then have you feel resentful

Distorted

I can see why you would feel like that, even though he's gay, as some gay men (well I am thinking of one in particular) may not be sexually attracted to women but can form very close emotionally intimate relationships with them, often more so than with their boyfriends (plus your girlfriend also goes on nights out with him, sleeps in the same bed as him, in fact does everything that you would do with a boyfriend except have sex with him). I have to say I would find that annoying, but getting a woman to give up her gay best friend is extremely hard! Can you not compete with him and prove you're better in all ways?

Virgil°

This doesn't have to get messy OP.I know plenty of people who have problems with this and plenty who don't so its not black and white.I personally dont like the idea of my girl in bed with another guy. I don't think its something(especially in this case when the mate is unlikely to be trying anything sinister) that i can explain rationally. Just kinda puts me off on a gut level.

As you've said this isn't something anywhere near the level of cheating.This is a boundry in the relationship that has yet to be set.
Reassure her that you think her mate is great and you wouldn't dare come between them(he is, after all, in every way like a girl mate to her) but that you aren't comfortable with her sharing a bed with him.
See where that takes you.
All the best.

Wagon

If he's gay, then to your girlfriend he's like one of the girls.

He likes men.

So don't worry about it

Beruthiel

OP, would you have a problem with your g/f sleeping in a bed with one of her female friends?
If this guy is defo gay, it's really no different.

Mixedup

at first when I read your post I thought you were over-reacting OP, but then i thought about it, and I wouldn't like my boyfriend sharing a bed with a lesbian..so i guess you have a point, it is a boundry, just say it to your girlfriend, I'm sure she'll understand.

Cullen82

My last ex did this too, Not sure why it bothers you to be honest.

Think it comes with experience or maybe more to the point security

Don't worry about it, It's deffo not worth thinking about;)


ps. I think its a whole different ball game re fella sleeping in the same bed as a lesbian friend.

blairbear

I agree that a guy sleeping in the same bed as his lesbian friend is pretty different, even though she'd more than likely have absolutely zero interest in him. There's very few guys who'd have the kind of bond with a lesbian friend that I know I have with my best gay friend. My friendship with him is very close and completely asexual. He's like a little brother to me, and it wouldn't even cross my mind that a boyfriend would have a problem with me sharing a bed with him. I'd get changed in front of him and vice versa, like I would with female friends. I don't know any lesbians who'd walk around half naked or change clothes in front of straight male friends. It shouldn't be inherently different, but in my experience, it is. (Though I don't mind opposing views/being corrected on this!) I don't think it's a relevant comparison to make.

I really think you've nothing to worry about. I don't think she's crossed a line at all. If you crashed in you male mate's bed, would she mind? It's the exact same really.

What age are you OP? I think when I was younger (late teens/early twenties) then maybe a boyfriend might have objected to me doing this, but even then, I'd have thought he was over-reacting.

I wouldn't try "competing with him" as one poster suggested. She gets completely different things from the two relationships. Competing with him or taking serious issue with this will make both him and her resentful of you (cos believe me, she'll tell him!). Get to know him a bit better and go on nights out with them and hopefully any unease you feel about the situation will fade away!

LegacyUser

Op again,

I dont think I came across as I wanted to in my first post.

First of all, the gay mate and myself get along very well. There is ZERO competition. I really quite like him. As for my girlfriend I love her to bits, and she loves me. I trust both completely, but its not a matter of trust. He has been great to her in the past, and I'm delighted she has someone like hiim as a friend. He really is a great guy.

My issue isnt one of trust. She told me she was staying at his house that night. In fact, I was invited along!

When she told me they shared a bed, I was a bit taken aback. Not angry, as I havnt spoken to her about it yet, but not overly happy. I actually dont know how to feel.

Im not insecure, and I'm very laid back. I just wanted to get some persective/opinions on it, because I genuinly dont know how to feel.

By the way, I disagree that a gay mate is the same as another girl mate. I have gay mates and girl mates and you cant really compare them!

angry_fox

opagain wrote: »

Op again,

I dont think I came across as I wanted to in my first post.

First of all, the gay mate and myself get along very well. There is ZERO competition. I really quite like him. As for my girlfriend I love her to bits, and she loves me. I trust both completely, but its not a matter of trust. He has been great to her in the past, and I'm delighted she has someone like hiim as a friend. He really is a great guy.

My issue isnt one of trust. She told me she was staying at his house that night. In fact, I was invited along!

When she told me they shared a bed, I was a bit taken aback. Not angry, as I havnt spoken to her about it yet, but not overly happy. I actually dont know how to feel.

Im not insecure, and I'm very laid back. I just wanted to get some persective/opinions on it, because I genuinly dont know how to feel.

By the way, I disagree that a gay mate is the same as another girl mate. I have gay mates and girl mates and you cant really compare them!

To be honest I would not mention it to her, you sure not feeling jealous that she is such close friends with another guy

LegacyUser

Am I the only one who totally understands the OP's viewpoint? I am amazed at the number of people saying 'this doesn't matter, let it slide'.

OP I know you are not insecure and that you know this guy is gay and you're not worried about him trying anything with your lady, but if you are not comfortable with this situation then you really should tell her, because it's the sort of thing that will niggle at you and might happen again a few times, causing you to snap or something.

I was in your situation, I would not like that *at all*. I wouldn't see it as a breach of trust or that she was a cheat or anything, I just really wouldn't like the setup. I don't see gey men as 'one of the girls' the way other people here seem to, that is waaaay overly simplistic.

I believe on principle that if you are in an exclusive loving relationship then you have the right to be the only man who has the right to share a bed with your lady, and I think you should make her aware that this is something that you feel strongly about.

Explain that you like this guy as a mate and you're not worried about her getting off with him, just tell her how you feel. If you put it to her like that she won't see you as insecure or jealous.

LittleBook

opagain wrote: »

By the way, I disagree that a gay mate is the same as another girl mate. I have gay mates and girl mates and you cant really compare them!

Actually I think girls can.

LegacyUser

I think as long as she was honest about it to you then it shouldnt really be a huge problem. I think maybe you should talk to her and just explain that you dont want to share her with any man, gay or not! and she should understand.

A few years back in college, a friend of mine brought some male friends of hers that I didnt know over to my house. We spent the night drinking in the house and when I went to go to bed, one of the guys was passed out asleep in my bed. So, being slightly worse for wear myself, I just lay on top of the covers and went to sleep. I rang my OH the next morning and told him what happened and he didnt have a problem with it as I had been honest with him about the situation.

She is being honest with you OP so I dont think you have anything to fear although I do understand your concerns. Talking to her should show her how much you care about her, as long as you dont come across as too possessive...

ApeXaviour

You feel symbolically slighted, disrespected somehow. You weren't. Get over it.