How do you get over a broken heart?

needhelpguy

How do you get over a broken heart when you see the girl all the time?

Long story short, good friends 5 years, I liker her for ages, she started flirting with me and I asked her out earlier this year, she said yes. It was great, we dated for a few months but for various reasons things went sour. I asked her out again recently and basically told her how I feel, only to get the "I like you but just as friends" card.

Que me being absolutely devastated. While she obviously didn't feel strongly for me, I fell very hard for her, in fact I fell in love with her. She is now seeing another man and I am absolutely heart broken.

We work together (same social circle too). I see her at least once a week, quite often more. I cannot limit or cut contact in anyway, I have no choice in this matter.

It's extremely difficult for me each time I see her. A week would go by and I would think I am slowly starting to accept it and get over her and then BAM we meet up again - and seeing her happy, chatty and laughing without a care in the world, as if our time together meant nothing to her cuts me up again. The thoughts of her doing the same things and having the same good times with the new guy as we did together is so depressing. I feel worthless. I thought I was something special to her, but obviously not.

I know she wants to be friends but I don't think I can - it hurts too much. However work is forcing the issue, because we have to get on. A part of me never wants to see her again because of how carelessly she treated me and how hurtful she was, but then I realise I care about her a lot and couldn't bear to lose her completely.

I want to reiterate that I cannot cut contact, or move sections in work, or find a new job or do anything that could limit seeing her every week.

What do I do? I need get back to normal, switch off my feelings for her and stop this awful pain (especially thinking of her with her new man).

Has anyone ever gotten over someone they loved when they had to see each other all the time, successfully?

LegacyUser

This is actually spooky, I was coming here today to post the EXACT same thing, except I'm a girl. I don't know what to do either, any help appreciated from anyone else. I hope it helps you a bit to know that someone else is going through the same thing, it helped me a little, I think.

Hegarty

Hey

I feel your pain, but the only cure is time, everyone will tell you this but reason for that is cause its the truth, its best to cut contact and if you can or avoid her as it will just be harder and take longer thats from my experience, I made this mistake and just dragged things out and delayed where I'm at now which is at the point of been over it, as I'm sure you'll probably find that your inclined to try bump into her or try contact her etc its a natural tendency but trust me your just going to make things harder for yourself, simply you cant change someones mind if they decide they no longer want to be part of your life etc, its hard knowing now she's with someone else you won't move on from that unless you find yourself with someone new. You should try online dating its a good way to meet new people and will help distract you www.plentyoffish.com its free and you'll get some response once you have a picture and take a bit of time to describe yourself, other than that keep busy dont let this get you down its hard, trust me I know, but your not alone !

LegacyUser

OP, I really feel for you. The first time I had my heart broken, I literally felt like I was going to die from the pain. I was in a similar situation to you, same work circles and knew the same people, no way of avoiding him. Someone said something that really made sense to me - it sounds dramatic, but having your heart broken is almost worse than a bereavement, because at least when someone dies, you know they're gone and you have no other option but to accept it and move on. After heartbreak, you know the other person is still walking around, having new experiences with other people and being happy without you, it's such a killer

I know it's a lot harder because you have to see her all the time, but you have to accept in your own heart that it's over, you're not gonna get back together, she doesn't want to be in your life in that way. It's so hard but it's the only way to stop yourself going insane and clinging on to hope

'Time is a great healer' - It's such a cliche, but it's true. It's gonna take time, and it might get worse before it gets better, but you'll get over it. One day you'll realise that you haven't thought about her for an hour. Then after another while it'll be 'God, I've only thought about her twice today'. Maybe even give yourself 20 mins at night to have a cry about it, then resolve to keep going with your life for the rest of the day. But don't get bogged down, my friend. Life keeps moving on, don't let it pass you by.

Oh, and one thing I would say is try not to read too much into what you think she's feeling when you see her smiling and laughing and everything. It's easy to convince yourself of paranoid thoughts when you're feeling low. For all you know, she may be feeling bad for hurting you, but she has to move on with her life, too. It sucks, but it's do-able. One day, you'll be giving this advice to someone else, trust me on that one

katie99

For whatever reason this girl isn't into you. She doesn't have the same depth of feelings for you as you have for her. It is not her fault. Sometimes we fall for our partner of a few months, but they don't feel the same way for us.
Telling a partner what your deepest feelings is for them after a few months is going to turn them off. It puts too much pressure on them.
She may be seeing someone but it might only be casual, nothing serious and she is happy with that 'cos she doesn't feel under pressure.
To get over her you need to be very strong. Ask yourself what is it that attracted you in the first place. Then ask yourself how nice she really was towards you. Focus on the negatives of her personality and character and that will help you view her in a different light.
Why bother with someone who doesn't like you the way you like them?
It is her loss. You are entitled to meet someone who will like you for being you. She's not the one, but she is out there somewhere.
Put yourself first. Don't talk to her socially.
Tell her you respect her decision and will behave professionally towards her, but you don't want any more to do with her on the social front.
There must be other girls in your social circle to chat with if nothing more.
Don't give this lady another thought.

needhelpguy wrote: »

How do you get over a broken heart when you see the girl all the time?

Long story short, good friends 5 years, I liker her for ages, she started flirting with me and I asked her out earlier this year, she said yes. It was great, we dated for a few months but for various reasons things went sour. I asked her out again recently and basically told her how I feel, only to get the "I like you but just as friends" card.

Que me being absolutely devastated. While she obviously didn't feel strongly for me, I fell very hard for her, in fact I fell in love with her. She is now seeing another man and I am absolutely heart broken.

We work together (same social circle too). I see her at least once a week, quite often more. I cannot limit or cut contact in anyway, I have no choice in this matter.

It's extremely difficult for me each time I see her. A week would go by and I would think I am slowly starting to accept it and get over her and then BAM we meet up again - and seeing her happy, chatty and laughing without a care in the world, as if our time together meant nothing to her cuts me up again. The thoughts of her doing the same things and having the same good times with the new guy as we did together is so depressing. I feel worthless. I thought I was something special to her, but obviously not.

I know she wants to be friends but I don't think I can - it hurts too much. However work is forcing the issue, because we have to get on. A part of me never wants to see her again because of how carelessly she treated me and how hurtful she was, but then I realise I care about her a lot and couldn't bear to lose her completely.

I want to reiterate that I cannot cut contact, or move sections in work, or find a new job or do anything that could limit seeing her every week.

What do I do? I need get back to normal, switch off my feelings for her and stop this awful pain (especially thinking of her with her new man).

Has anyone ever gotten over someone they loved when they had to see each other all the time, successfully?

johnr1

Hey man,
Sorry to hear how youre feeling, Iv had my heart broken about three times in my life like this, the most recent being last week. Its rotten, awful, absolutely the sickest joke of nature, but it does go away eventually and the day you wake up and realise youre pretty much over her is one brilliant feeling.
Im still in the middle of it myself at the moment, hating every moment I think of her, wishing Id never met her one moment, thinking shes the best thing ever happened to me the next.
A few things keeping me going are :
1, A couple of really good friends who went out with me over the weekend even though I was like a bear.
2, Ive been on the other side of it as well myself and I know that you cant make someone love you,- pity that, but thats the way it is.:cool:
3, The knowledge that whatever she shares with someone new, it will never be the same as what she shared with me, (Ive been in many relationships and I remember most fondly for different reasons, no two were the same or even similar).

The only other thing I can say to you is that we fall for people at different speeds on different occasions so dont feel foolish for loving her madly after a few months. Ignore the snipers
Im normally slow to develop deep feelings for someone, but this time It was the complete opposite, I fell head over heels for her in a couple of months. Im 36 and should "know better" but I suppose if we didnt feel these lows, we wouldnt feel the immense highs and wonder of being in love either.
Cant offer much in the way of practical advice on avoiding her, - your situation appears to be unusually difficult that way, but there was some good advice about dating sites to take your mind off her given earlier.
Maybe the fact that you are seeing her every day will fast forward the healing process.
Head up man, keep fighting, you'l win eventually.

girvtheswerve

Man, do i wish i knew the answer. Few weeks after break up and ive been crying for the past ten minutes thinking about it.

As everyone else says time is the only thing thats going to help. Doesnt feel like it at times but deep down i know it'll get better and so do you.

Chin up, you'll get there

The Thin End of the Wedge

Ok I'll bite

OP - I empathise and sympathise with your predicament - been there,done that and even she got the T-shirt when it all went tits up - you must be cracking up - a broken heart is the worst pain in the world.....no question about it - but at least you are alive - better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..............one day you'll understand that.

Right then - everybody else is here being really nice and sympathetic to ya so I'll take it on myself to be the boll*x here - I assume you came here for advice not sympathy?

Feck me - you sure got yourself in a situation alright - talk about breaking nearly every damn rule and serious no no in one go! - friends to more than friends ( poor successful conversion rate - trust me on that) , work colleagues (even worse) and then having to stick around to deal with the fallout - jeez you're taking on a hell of a lot more grief than anybody, male or female, should have to be put through.

OK - If I were you and I was you 14 years ago - clicked with my desk colleague on a platonic level from the start -there was no sparks at the start except in the most gentle way - got on great guns - a couple of years in she breaks up with the fella -starts coming out for drinks with the hardcore on friday nights - we start flirting big time - get physical a couple of weeks later - i break up with the girl I was seeing casually at the time, everything starts getting very serious (for me) very fast - I fall for her big time - the dynamics of the relationship start to change - I start getting clingy grumpy and obssessively possessive -total turnoffs - the ship is starting to fall apart - she reads the signs - sits me down for the dreaded "friends" conversation, grabs the only parachute,blows the hatch and its "hasta de la vista baby" to me and I go down with the ship - yep I crashed and burned and hit the ground so hard they were scraping pieces of me off the Alps and sweeping me up in Sahara for months afterwards.

What did I do? -the first 12 weeks were hell - then I took all the vacation time I was owed and got the hell out of Dodge pronto and onto a beach far far away - I took a long hard look at myself and decided there and then that I couldn't do the "friends" thing and the work thing was also a non runner - I was on depression tablets and in all honesty - out of my mind - women eh:) - So I quit the job and the social circle - found something else and buried myself in it ,opened another social circle and ya know - given the chance - time is a great healer - and even tho we're not best friends - myself and herself have met on various occasions over the years - its more the ABBA "knowing me - knowing you" thing - we politely chat about work, family, gossip etc etc - but there is NO GOING BACK to what we had before we hopped under the sheets together!

OP - you have some tough decisions to make here - and I think you are running away from them- still blindly hoping beyond hope that all that is currently happening is a bad dream and that she''ll break up with yer man, remember how brilliant you were and coming running back into your arms which will be convenientaly close to hand?

look at these quotes from your post.

We work together (same social circle too). I see her at least once a week, quite often more. I cannot limit or cut contact in anyway, I have no choice in this matter.

I want to reiterate that I cannot cut contact, or move sections in work, or find a new job or do anything that could limit seeing her every week.

Whaddya mean you have no choice in the matter ?- what kinda work are ya doing? - were the two of ya repairing the jacks on the International Space Station when the door got accidentally locked from the outside?

There is no job that you cannot walk away from - ok in these recessionary times its a bit tougher.... but its easier get a job when you have one

You also don't have to go out with the same crew all the time - what about blowing them off for the weekend and go out on your own and see where the night takes you?

I seriously question what you are doing - and I would wager that Im not a million miles away in what I stated above.

You are not over her -Face it - and at this moment in time - do not want to be over her - all you really want is some type of pill or injection to dull the pain while you wait in the shadows for your next supposed opportunity........If I had such a serum for such cases - Id be the richest man in the world in 2 weeks! No such thing exists

If you really want to move on and get over her - well you are taking the most difficult route imaginable - like ripping the scab off a wound week after week and rubbing salt into it- you are not going to heal - and SHE IS NOT GOING TO GET BACK WITH YOU - You have had your shot at it and for whatever reason you blew it!

take some vacation time and go away - away from the social circle and indulge in a bit of "me" time - and sort out in your head what you really want from your life -

its not the "work" that is keeping you working together - its her and its screaming out loud all over your post - you know that!

The "lets be Friends" thingy really doesn't work by and large - it was invented by women back in our savannah roaming days where the troupe had enough problems avoiding becoming a lion or leopards snack box without gettin beaten to death by an enraged amorous male when all members of the family would be needed! - its just their way of trying to defuse things - it doesnt work for men in general who just dont possess that level of reverse gear - if it does work - well then she probably didnt mean that much to you and you didn't invest much in the relationship in the first place - the kind of thing that works best after a drunken one night fling as opposed to what you have been thru.

She is not going to get back with you - unless she is really desperate - FACE THE FACTS HERE - you hanging around,looking on longingly in desperation and feeling like complete sh^te is not going to do you any favours - in fact it will be the opposite - she knows you are not over her and is possibly hoping that you will take a hint, get real, get her out of your head and get a bit of dignity and self respect back.

You sound young - thus you have most of your life ahead of you

My advice

Take some time out - get it through to your head and heart that there is no way back - the past is the past - and you have to move on.

Work - I think you should seriously consider moving departments or offices or onto a new job/place completely - you are only staying in your current employment because of her - thats no way to run a railroad - let alone a career.

Get Angry -Im going to be brutally honest with you here - women know pretty much after the first time meeting you if you are BF material,"friend","acquaintance" "gob****e" "not if you were the last man on Earth" etc etc etc.........true fact - if she was in to you - you would have got together a lot sooner than 5 years! - sadly - it sounds like you were just a bit of casual half-time entertainment - and given she knew how you felt about her from pretty much the get go (I know you didn't "say" how you felt until lately - but she knew! - Women come with the most powerful perfectly designed sensor array system known to man - they know you fancy them even before you do! Honestly! a woman can sense a man is attracted to her like a shark can smell blood in the water 10 miles away!) - I wouldn't consider her much of a friend for wrecking your head the way she did! - stop being such a pushover - she has rejected you and that hurts - suck it up - get angry and channel that anger and aggression into propelling your life forward - I know it doesnt feel like it now - but this could be the turning point in your life and send you on to better things - but for change to happen - somethings have to go by the wayside - look critically at your social circle and your life in general - what are YOU getting out of it? - because at the end of the day - its YOUR LIFE and you only get one chance at it unless your name J.Christ

Learn from this experience - like I did -

A) friends are friends - and keep it that way

don't f^ck around in the workplace - keep it strictly business - better for everybody - and get your extracurricular activities going - particularly sports and more male company - you sound like ya need it.

Listen OP - I dont mean come over all "Alpha Male" about the matter - a lot of that stuff is a load of nonsense - but there is an element of truth in it - At 37 - I have a Phd in getting the emotional sh^t kicked out of me:D - so this comes from experience! -but I've had a lot of great times with some fantastic women - life is what you make it - but you have to do it by yourself - break from the crowd and become the person not a person.

from what I can make out - you need to break the links for your own good with this lady- but you don't seem to be ready to do this yet - I think you need to start considering it - life is too short for such a self imposed prison sentence that you are putting yourself in!

Its your call - you asked for advice and I gave it!

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I to am in a similar situation, she asked me out and we had our ups and downs but nobody approved of us being together and that with our own problems eventually broke us up. I fell headover heels in love with her and did anything she wanted but in the end fecked it all up. Tried being friends but that did not work. Best thing is find distractions in life but dont use drink as I did as that only prolongs the pain. Delete all facebook and other internet sites u both shared as well. Get out with your friends and have fun and you will get over her as thats what I am doing, I get emotional now and then if I think of her but plenty more fish in the sea and just have not found mine yet as you haven't. Best of luck

needhelpguy

Wow thanks for the replies all. It's really helpful to know I am not alone and other people are experiencing the same thing!

I'll reply individually. I'll make a few points too.

Hegarty I know what you mean about wanting to contact her as I'm drawn towards her but I am staying strong and not doing that. I've gone completely cold turkey on her apart from the weekly meetings. No texts, calls, nothing. It's hard, we used to be great friends. I still have my dignity and I respect her decision and won't become a pain by hassling her. I don't think I'll try online dating as I'm not that type of person. In fact I was really quite content in myself and didn't think much of not having a girlfriend! As the song goes "I always got by on my own - I never really cared until I met you!".

ohyeahbeenthere thanks for the encouraging words It really helped. It's true about a broken heart being worse than a bereavement. I've never felt such pain, and to be honest, I cannot wait for this entire year to be over as it hasn't been a great one at all. It's amazing how quickly love can turn to hate. And vise versa. And that so much has happened so soon. She knows this new guy maybe 3 weeks and they are officially an item. I was seeing her for 4 months and never official! We did want to keep it on the downlow because of work and friends, but still, maybe another sign I didn't mean much to her. You are right aswell about overthinking (that was one of my mistakes, making mountains out of molehills) in that she may not be on the inside as she appears on the outside, that is some comfort.

Katie99 It is her loss. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. I have her on this big gigantic pedestal that she really doesn't deserve to be on. I know she can't help the way she feels. In truth, I made a lot of mistakes myself that probably turned her off, as I did get the feeling she liked me quite a lot in the early stages (which has me blaming myself). She wasn't perfect, in fact she was quite selfish sometimes and can be very hurtful without a care in the world about how her actions can affect others (and me). Or I could have been wrong entirely about her liking me in which case why did she waste my time (well, she is selfish) instead of saying no when I first asked her out...

Johnr1 thanks for the encouraging words.

The Thin End Of The Wedge, interesting post! Took me a while to digest it. I have a few points I'd like to say in response.

I'm not going to leave my job. I would never allow her that power over me. I absolutely love it and I fought long and hard to get it. It's secure, it's enjoyable, I have loads of other close friends in it and that leads into the social aspect.

I'm not being a pushover either, far from it. In fact I would argue that your suggestion of leaving my job and friends behind just because of her would make me a complete pushover! I would literally be running away from the problem and cutting out loads of other great things and people in my life! That's a little drastic! :P Again I would never allow a woman that sort of control over me. I'll get through it, hopefully, week by week!

She is not the only thing keeping me where I am, it's all the other things. Of course I still like her (and hate her, in equal measure) but I'm not "looking on longingly in desperation". I still have my dignity and self respect. I'm accepting it and not pining for her (not publicly). In fact at the moment I am being a bit cold towards her, saying hello etc. but not paying her any attention and keeping my distance. Not because I'm being mean but because I'm hurt. Thanks for the advice regardless.

To be honest, it was her who chased me at the start. I didn't really do much. She ended a relationship two years ago and I noticed very slowly she was getting closer to me and flirting very innocently, doing things she says she does when she fancies someone e.g. making an effort to be around them alone, small touching, being playful etc. When one day I caught her eye in work and she held it and I knew then.

To be honest this was my first forray into dating (I'm 25) and I made a lot of mistakes. I often wonder, had I not made those mistakes, would we still be together. I probably hurt her at some point, I probably drove her away at another. These were the kind of mistakes I should have made as a teenager but I never dated back then.

I'm in counselling about this and it is greatly helping. I'm realising that she was actually filling a void in my life and now that she's rejected me, I feel worthless. There was something missing there and I'm learning to try and fill it and love myself. I know you have to love yourself before anyone else can. A relationship should compliment my happiness, not be the source of it.

Yesterday was horrible. Today is great. I'm up and down. I'll probably be back next week sounding off after I see her again! :rolleyes:

I'm rambling now. Anyway, thanks for the replies, it really is great to know others are going through this (a bit of sympathy goes a long way too). I would appreciate any more advice if anyone has it.

LegacyUser

Just reading your last post op i can relate on many levels, I was completley head over heals even though we were never an item officiall, she gradually pulled away and tried to let me know but i couldn't take the hint and kept chasing...
Like you I didn't really do the dating thing in my younger days and would likely have not made the mistakes i made had i done so...
If i hadn't made those mistakes I wonder what would have happened would we still be together etc.
But here is the good part...
She left the area (not due to me) I was finally forced to move on, and I did gradually, went through all these emotions, depression, despair, hate, love, hate, love etc. It was a rollercoster and I look back now and wonder what was I on....
Then just as I began to get myself together again along came someone else, when I least expected, someone that just i don't know how to say it...."makes sense"
I believe that the reason this worked out is becuase of my previous experience, I didn't make the same mistakes and my OH now maintains that she was unsure about me at the start but that I had "played" a good game, i.e. not come on too strong, and made her guess a bit in the initial stages, believe me this would not have been the casae had it not been for girl X...
So what I am trying to say is, as hard as it may seem right now I believe you will look back on this as an experience that you have learned from and it will stand to you in the future and hopefully if your anything like me you will be able to use it to end up with the right one, and end up as happy as me right now (smiling to myself as I type, in a glow of contentment)
Best of Luck OP!!!!!