False tomboy image is ruining any hope of a boyfriend

LegacyUser

I'm a 22 year old female who has done such a good job of hiding my loneliness beneath a tomboyish bravado that no one realises how sad I am, constantly. I'm single for over 3 years, with a history of severe shyness and depression, but I've always hid my true personality from most around me. For financial and educational reasons, I've ended up in a situation where I live with only guys (friends from college) and all my female friends live on the other side of the country. Over the course of college, I had managed to reinvent myself quite dramatically, and largely inadvertently, from being seen as an ugly shy wallflower at home to being seen as very pretty and confident in college. The problem is, I've been so successful in creating a new, confident persona that no one realises how agonisingly, gut wrenchingly lonely and sad I am.

I have no female friends anywhere near. If I want a social life its with my male friends, who treat me like I'm immune to slagging, a total tomboy. Thing is, added to this, others think I'm very pretty. This concept is alien to me, in my head I'm still the ignored and ugly teen. As a result, people think I must be very self assured and used to male attention when inside (though I try to hide it) I'm self conscious, insecure and nervous, constantly. It may sound idiotic but maybe if people knew what I used to look like, and more importantly feel like, they'd realise I'm not as confident as I seem.

Any guy I meet is through the lads I live with. These guys inevitably see me as a bit thick skinned because of the banter and slagging I put up with. They are often attracted enough to kiss me, but they seem to see me as this tough, confident, sexual being. The type of girl they'd try to sleep with, not the type they'd text much or date. I must emphasise this is not because I have a loose attitude to sex, I don't or because I dress provocatively, I don't.

This has been my problem for years. What emphasises it tonight is the behaviour of a guy I've known through the lads for a while. He became single a few months ago and quickly went from just one of the lads to hitting on me. We had serious chemistry and kissed a few times. He wanted sex, I refused. He also emphasised he didn't want a girlfriend, being newly single, and fair enough. I emphasised that I did want more and that he didn't seem to be in the right place emotionally for me so we left it for the time being. I always had it in my head that after he got over the original thrill of single life we might have something. Then tonight, only about a month later, he debuts his new girlfriend out of the blue. She's sweet, girly and innocent looking, but (please understand I'm not being conceited, but realistic) no better or worse looking than me. So in my view, the difference is my tomboyishness and this inadvertent sexy, hook up as opposed to girlfriend aura I give out. But what can I do? What's wrong with me? I don't overtly try to act like a tomboy or anything.

What can I possibly do? I'm so lonely. And its not like I can talk to the boys I live with about it. I'm at my wits end.

AnonMous

Hi Op,

First off, I am very sorry to hear that you are so lonely. I get extremely lonely myself at times so know that it's not a pleasant feeling.

I started internet dating a couple of years ago with no particular outcome in mind. I tell you though, I met some great people and it did wonders for my confidence.

The obvious thing about it is that you are putting yourself out there to guys who don't know you, so you can start fresh without the 'tomboyish' aura haunting you before a relationship even develops.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

Take care :-)

Rufus the brave

Ok this may not be entirely relevant but are you mad into sport, as in you wear a team jersey etc.? Pretend you know nothing about sport. I don't know what it is but I can't stand girls who go on about rugby or gaa. I see it as the preserve of men and cannot understand why many women these days have taken up following munster/leinster as a fashion thing. You're entitled to go to matches with boyfriends but it stops there - you shouldn't know the players names other than say o'driscoll and damian duff. I once went on a date with a girl who kept going on about her premiership team. I never contacted her again. Aren't most 22 yr olds single though?

krudler

What can I possibly do? I'm so lonely. And its not like I can talk to the boys I live with about it. I'm at my wits end.

Have you tried? you'd be surprised how well people can listen when a friend comes to them for help, me and my friends have slagging and banter but that all goes out the window when one of them needs to talk to someone about something thats getting to them.

some guys see girls who are into sports or whatever (if you are) as "one of the lads" and like you said, not girlfriend material, guys prefer the girly girls a lot of the time, not everyone obviously. A friend of mine is a proper tomboy, plays rugby and she's always covered in bruises and drinks like a guy, most guys just see her as a mate and nothing more.

Kimono-Girl

Rufus the brave wrote: »

Pretend you know nothing about sport. I don't know what it is but I can't stand girls who go on about rugby or gaa. I see it as the preserve of men and cannot understand why many women these days have taken up following munster/leinster as a fashion thing. You're entitled to go to matches with boyfriends but it stops there - you shouldn't know the players names other than say o'driscoll and damian duff. I once went on a date with a girl who kept going on about her premiership team. I never contacted her again.

thats awful! :mad:

OP i am what you could consider a tomboy,all my friends are guys, i know all about sports, including player names/stats...etc

when a person is single it is normal to get lonely at times, it is just important to remember that for every lonely moment ill bet you have two great stories about fun times you had with the lads,

i always thought lads are great drinking buddies not so great for emotions but then one or two of my guy friends have surprised me more than once by listening, helping me and supporting me through my lowest low...etc

as for the guy who you were waiting for, just consider maybe its not your tomboyishness that's the problem maybe you are just simply not his type it happens. but thats ok, if you change who you are chances are you may get that guy, but he'll feel cheated once he realises he doesn't know (or like) the real you.

if you pretend to be someone you are not you will never find the guy who loves the real you!

i know its hard but my advise would be just keep your eyes open and don't ever change, you'll find a guy when you least expect it!

Moomoo1

OP, how feminine are you? There are tomboys who look feminine and there are ones who don't. Frankly, it doesn't matter who you socialise with and what you like talking about because attraction doesn't work like this: but if you aren't feminine many people won't go for you, same way you may not go for a guy who isn't masculine (not in a six-pack macho sort of way but in a normal guy way).

Nevyn

Rufus the brave wrote: »

Ok this may not be entirely relevant but are you mad into sport, as in you wear a team jersey etc.? Pretend you know nothing about sport. I don't know what it is but I can't stand girls who go on about rugby or gaa. I see it as the preserve of men and cannot understand why many women these days have taken up following munster/leinster as a fashion thing. You're entitled to go to matches with boyfriends but it stops there - you shouldn't know the players names other than say o'driscoll and damian duff. I once went on a date with a girl who kept going on about her premiership team. I never contacted her again. Aren't most 22 yr olds single though?

Such sexist claptrap is off topic and unhelpful and
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Nevyn

You need to start dating outside your pool of guy friends, it's the only way to have yourself seen as a woman and not one of the lads. You don't need to girlify yourself to get a boyfriend you just need to get out of you social comfort zone.

blairbear

I'm the girliest girl in the world but I know all about rugby and know exactly who all the Leinster players. If a guy judged me for that, I'd think he was the greatest eejit on earth and be glad to be rid of him. If you're into sport then don't change that. Why would any girl change all her interests to pander to men? Sorry but that post by Rufus the brave instructing you to play dumb about sport is ridiculous.

I think men would decide that you were a tomboy or a girly girl based on your appearance. It seems like you've no problem attracting men so appearance may not be your issue. I think it's because you seem to hang out exclusively with men. You say you've no female friends nearby. I think you're gonna have to make some new ones. Surely these lads you live with know some girls too? Do any of them have girlfriends that you'd like to hang out with? If you could manage to build up a group of female friends and head out on nights out with them, then I bet you'd start getting very different attention. The men you hang out with, and their friends, are way too comfortable around you to see you as a potential girlfriend.

Try not to beat yourself up over this. I don't think you should change much if anything about yourself. If you asked even the most feminine, prettiest of girls; she'll more than likely have some close male friend who wouldn't ever date her (even if they would sleep with her) and that she gets slagged by. I have loads of male friends who rip it out of me and I've loads of fun with them.

It's probably not that you're a tomboy as such, it's probably that you're seen as 'one of the lads' now. And that can happen whether you're a tomboy or wear dresses every day. I'd be the same in that most of my friends have tended to be male, and you just sort of become invisible to them in that way, especially if you join in all the banter and everything. I'd say that's the difference between you and your friend's new girlfriend.

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Have you tried? you'd be surprised how well people can listen when a friend comes to them for help, me and my friends have slagging and banter but that all goes out the window when one of them needs to talk to someone about something thats getting to them.

some guys see girls who are into sports or whatever (if you are) as "one of the lads" and like you said, not girlfriend material, guys prefer the girly girls a lot of the time, not everyone obviously. A friend of mine is a proper tomboy, plays rugby and she's always covered in bruises and drinks like a guy, most guys just see her as a mate and nothing more.

I have to agree with this post. I'm one of those people that slag the hell out of my friends, make fun of them be a sarcastic prik to them, they all love to hate me and I am known as the dickhead of the group(in funny terms, as in i pull the piss out of you etc) But I am usually the first person that most of the group turn to when they have trouble or want to talk to someone, They all know I slag them all but they all know that they can come and talk, be it for advice or just to let emotions steam out.

OP what I suggest is just talk to one of your better male friends and tell them about how you feel with your tomboyish image that they represent with you, saying that try to treat me more like a girl friends with you instead of treating me like one of the lads. Ask him to talk to the other guys if you feel uncomfortable to tell them yourself.

If you are in college maybe try joining different societies and clubs so that you get the meet new people, or maybe even post on the boards region forums or the college forums to meet up with new people, I know in various different region forums there are beers to meet up with new people and various different meetups through the month.

mercer

Rufus the brave wrote: »

Ok this may not be entirely relevant but are you mad into sport, as in you wear a team jersey etc.? Pretend you know nothing about sport. I don't know what it is but I can't stand girls who go on about rugby or gaa. I see it as the preserve of men and cannot understand why many women these days have taken up following munster/leinster as a fashion thing. You're entitled to go to matches with boyfriends but it stops there - you shouldn't know the players names other than say o'driscoll and damian duff. I once went on a date with a girl who kept going on about her premiership team. I never contacted her again. Aren't most 22 yr olds single though?

that has to be the most idiotic post i have ever seen. i hope i never see another post from you again, you're obviously below normal intellect.

anyway, OP - i am sorry you feel lonely. recently i joined a cardio class and a yoga class and i got to meet lots of other girls from my area. i think you should look into joining a class! its a great way to meet new people!

Rufus the brave

candlelover wrote: »

thats awful! :mad:

OP i am what you could consider a tomboy,all my friends are guys, i know all about sports, including player names/stats...etc

Just a note on this, my post probably didn't come across the way I intended. Apologies if this offended some people.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with tomboys, but the OP is looking to shed a false perception of her being a tomboy. I can see why people are posting in defence of all things tomboy, but the OP wants advice on how to shed this image...not how to embrace it!

It's not a demonstration of low intellect or sexism, that some men, such as myself, are not attracted to women who go on about football for example. I'm simply stating a fact, as boorish as it may sound to the delicate sensibilities of some, but this is far from an uncommon sentiment. Being perceived as "one of the lads" could be the problem here, I don't know. How do you get from discussing a Steven Gerrard tackle to a romantic date - that's the point I'm trying to make. She could always unleash the football-mania once she has the man bagged.

Moomoo1

surely having common interests (like sports) is only a plus as far as dating goes?

think of all the men who constantly fight with their wives over watching the world cup for example...

LegacyUser

OP back, thanks for the replies, I was kind of expecting people to say go away and stop being so self pitying!! I'm trying not to be I swear... So thanks for your patience.

Regarding the tomboy thing, its more that I'm treated as one of the lads. I'm crap at sport and know very little about it, so its not that anyway!! I'm very into fashion, although to be honest if I wear dresses or whatever sometimes its just not worth the slagging the lads give me about being "dressed up". If I had more girls around I'd say I'd be more expressive. I'm definitely never one of those girls who wear tracksuits or sport jerseys constantly (although each to their own, its just not me!). I try to be ladylike but obviously over the years the lads have seen me the odd time when I was make-up-less or worse for wear with drink on a mad night out, etc. I'm myself around them, flaws and all. So they tease me about not being ladylike. Just stuff like calling me by my surname, if you know what I mean.

I've been told before that I'm intimidating to new guys and more importantly to other girls. That girls think I must be a b!tch because I hang around with lads and have banter with them, and I'm told (seriously not trying to sound conceited, just reflecting what I've been told) that I'm "hot" (even my so called lad friends tell me that when drunk, in a matter of fact way, not hitting on me or anything). But I'm not hot inside if that makes sense. I put up this sarcastic, slag-you-back, banter persona because I used to need it. But its like it doesn't fit with a pretty girl or something. Am I making any sense at all? But at this stage I don't know what to do. Its like guys want a girl they can protect, or who is flirty. But I'm too shy to flirt. My way of communicating is to be the sarcastic, good natured banter type. Maybe this grates with girls, or with guys?

Any girls I've met in various ways since my own group of girl friends moved away and actually gotten on well with are nice, but they have their own circles and kind of despite themselves, I'm always just an arms length kind of acquaintance, despite attempts to include myself. I just don't fit in. Also most girls I know have boyfriends at this stage, that's just my luck I suppose, maybe single girls would go out more, etc. The lads tease me about not having any other friends outside our group!

The lads are all single except one whose girlfriend lives in another city. They're very much a boy's boy. The only female friends they have are me and my group, and all the girls in that group also live in another city, and don't visit at all due to work commitments. The lads just work, work, then go home and watch TV. We get on great as housemates, laugh a lot, etc. I know I'm lucky to have them as friends. I could be on my own entirely. But I think they'd actually be so uncomfortable they'd have to leave the room if I tried to have any form of heart to heart.

I put up this bravado about my lack of luck with guys too. If I kiss a guy I like, they slag me about it and I act casual and laugh it off. I can't admit to actually liking the guy, since 9 out of 10 times he's a friend of one of them, since that's the only guys I meet, and when it inevitably doesn't work out I'm ashamed and embarrassed and my male friends still maintain a link to the guy who rejects me. Bad enough I still see a fair few lads I was mad about at one point, it would be so much worse if my male friends knew how I had felt about their friend, as they'd know how awkward I felt. Like last night, if the lads knew how I felt about this guy having a new girlfriend, it would be awkward hanging out with them and him. I don't want to create awkwardness. I can live with feeling extreme discomfort in these social situations myself, I just don't want it to be noticable!


Should I try to change my attitude, my behaviour around my male friends? Is it my sarcasm? I try not to be cutting or anything, but maybe sarcasm in general is bad? If I let down my guard the lads will notice I've changed, and it would be a dramatic change, since I've built up a serious wall of bravado at this stage. I'm cracking up. Its like I'm here with a group of friends and I seem fine to them but inside I'm screaming and alone.

Moomoo1

you sound like a great person OP: frankly I don't think there's a lot wrong with you, and I certainly wouldn't be trying to tone down your sarcasm.

seriously though, I do think you need new friends - doesn't matter of which sex. If those guys will leave the room if you try to bare your feelings to them, or if you feel uncomfortable doing so then they aren't really very close friends, are they? (I sense that you are the sort of person who is likely to meet people through friends rather than on a night out.)

LeahK

I empathise with you OP as I grew up a tomboy too and still have a largely male friends group. The slagging and abuse can get a bit much sometimes esp when you want to be treated like a girl/lady.

However, Im not entirely convinced that your personality is the sole reason why your not "girlfriend material"..Most dudes I know would love a girl they could buzz off that has a sense of humor! Have you ever thought that regardless of your gender, these guys are just your mates?

Forget that your a girl and they are dudes. They might not be interested in you cause your a friend and they just dont see you in that way? I know my male friends have mentioned Im hot in the past but I know thats just an observation, not them hitting on me! As for some of them trying it on with you, show me a man who wouldnt try it on if he thought he might get somewhere!! (sad & general comment but unfortunately in my experience its true)

If you want a boyfriend stop looking at your group of mates for one! You will find a fella who loves your personality and sees you as the ultimate lady..banter or not!

LegacyUser

Well done to you for holding out for what you want. You want a relationship, the guy you kissed didn't, so you went your separate ways. Maybe the guy's new girlfriend doesn't want anything serious either, and that's why he's with her, and she with him.
You're in your early twenties and want to find something meaningful. Unfortunately a lot of the people you meet probably don't feel the same way. They're out to have fun with no strings attached.
You can do one of two things: keep holding out for what you want. Eventually you will meet someone who wants the same things as you.
Change so that you look for something with no strings attached. Alright for a while but gets really tedious when you get messed around.

If I were you, I'd stick with the first option. You'll see people becoming more like you as the years pass ie looking for a meaningful relationship. I'd hazard a guess that all your male friends respect you a lot (despite the slagging you get , and one or two probably harbour feelings about you but are too afraid to ruin a good friendship.

Ain't nuthin' wrong with you at all girl!

WindSock

You sound like you are putting up some sort of a wall alright. You say you act in certain ways that are out of character to yourself, perhaps to fit in with the lads. Maybe you should be asking yourself why you want to fit in with this particular group in the first place. If they are really your friends they would accept your true self, and not the image you project. You may be close enough with a couple of them for them to know that you have a front. How would you feel about slowly relaxing a little and letting some of your real self surface?

It doesn't have to be immediate, but just do little things over time. Slowly evolve I guess. Try to become more accepting to strangers, or outsiders too. It is not good to be closed off to others, male or female. You never know when you might meet some great people who can become great friends or even lead you to something more. Basically, embrace opportunity when you feel ready, or give yourself that extra push. You seem like you have the personality and the humour to get along well with people easily enough, so there is no point in closing yourself off to others.

Distorted

Rufus the brave wrote: »

It's not a demonstration of low intellect or sexism, that some men, such as myself, are not attracted to women who go on about football for example. I'm simply stating a fact, as boorish as it may sound to the delicate sensibilities of some, but this is far from an uncommon sentiment. Being perceived as "one of the lads" could be the problem here, I don't know. How do you get from discussing a Steven Gerrard tackle to a romantic date - that's the point I'm trying to make. She could always unleash the football-mania once she has the man bagged.

I feel exactly the same about men that go on about football - just completely rule them out without any desire to get to know them any better. Hate that pack/herd mentality thing. Apart from that, I've met all my boyfriends through sport - cycling, horse riding, running, etc. Not all men want a fragile, delicate flower of a girlfriend - its not the Victorian era. Jessica Ennis after all seems to be universally popular amongst pretty much all the guys I know and she must know an awful lot about sport. I also know a female footballer and she is so stunning, she is literally fending off the guys.

[Also can I just point out that there is so much football on tv if you have even half a brain, never mind a really retentive, organised super memory like mine, you cannot help who is playing for which team, who is being transferred and for how much and when, etc - and I don't do the stupid act for anyone (plus I have too much male interest and want to deter the male chauvanists anyway, so bonus - I will talk about football in great detail to any guy who annoys me!)]

OP - I think at your age its pretty normal not to have a regular boyfriend. Some do, some don't. I also think its a time of life when you tend to move around a lot, and if you move somewhere completley new where hardly anyone knows you, this solves your problem. They have no pre-concieved ideas about you. If you stay put, if you feel you are no longer the tomboy they all think you are, just behave in different ways, make new friends, develop new interests and it will all fall into place.

I've always long suspected that some guys find it easier to get girlfriends from outwith their ususal social circle because of the same reason - they have no pre-concieved ideas about them so they can project their best side more easily and don't constantly hear stuff about them from their friends.

You obviously have no problem in attracting men, so I doubt there is really that much to worry about - this is not to belittle your issues that you discuss here but you are probably being too harsh on yourself. But maybe guys are thinking you a bit too much of an easy touch and not treating you seriously as girlfriend material, so maybe a few small changes could deal with this.

Fox McCloud

Theadydal said it, you need to look for guys(if its a boyfriend/love interest your after) outside of the group of friends you have. When I dated/kissed one of my friends friends I expected (and got!) a slagging esp with the lads. Since my gang of friends all got older we dont really date each others friends so much..it makes things so much more awkward if things dont go very well etc.

Try chatting to guys on your own when your on a night out, or in work, join a sport/hobby/class/gym to meet guys outside your current pool. Also to meet new girlfriends if you feel like you missing that social aspect living with guys. Girls that are threatened by you in your group wont be threatened if you meet them independently on your own.

Distorted

Distorted wrote: »

[Also can I just point out that there is so much football on tv if you have even half a brain, never mind a really retentive, organised super memory like mine, you cannot help who is playing for which team, who is being transferred and for how much and when, etc - and I don't do the stupid act for anyone (plus I have too much male interest and want to deter the male chauvanists anyway, so bonus - I will talk about football in great detail to any guy who annoys me!)

A girl with no interest in football is hardly stupid, either. Maybe that wasn't what you meant, but it's really irritating when some men (chauvinists, like you said) think you're a bimbo for not knowing anything about it. I don't have a TV and I don't read the football news in the paper because I don't care about it. Doesn't make me stupid or ignorant just because I find football mind-numbingly boring. I have plenty of other interests, I'm not going to feign interest in something so that I have something in common with most men.

I just don't get why people portray themselves as something they're not, whether it's a 'ladette' or a girly girl. What's wrong with just being yourself? Why carefully craft a persona and end up pigeonholing yourself?

Zen65

sickofself wrote: »

Over the course of college, I had managed to reinvent myself quite dramatically, and largely inadvertently, from being seen as an ugly shy wallflower at home to being seen as very pretty and confident in college. The problem is, I've been so successful in creating a new, confident persona that no one realises how agonisingly, gut wrenchingly lonely and sad I am.

Some of the advice being offered to you seems confused to me.

Am I right in thinking that your original post can be summed up as this:

- You used to be a shy ugly wallflower

- In college you reinvented yourself as a pretty and apparently confident girl.

- You still feel like that shy girl.

- The "confidence" is fake, and actually you are still shy and lonely.

- You live with guys, who treat you as another guy in terms of the slagging & bravado etc

- You stood up for yourself when some guy suggested he'd like a loose sexual but non-committal relationship with you.

Have I got that right so far?


Thanks,

Z

Distorted

Leslie Fancy Teardrop wrote: »

A girl with no interest in football is hardly stupid, either. Maybe that wasn't what you meant, but it's really irritating when some men (chauvinists, like you said) think you're a bimbo for not knowing anything about it. I don't have a TV and I don't read the football news in the paper because I don't care about it. Doesn't make me stupid or ignorant just because I find football mind-numbingly boring. I have plenty of other interests, I'm not going to feign interest in something so that I have something in common with most men.

I just don't get why people portray themselves as something they're not, whether it's a 'ladette' or a girly girl. What's wrong with just being yourself? Why carefully craft a persona and end up pigeonholing yourself?

No I meant when you know something about something (e.g. football), deliberately pretending you don't and are totally ignorant, in order to come across as the helpless, dumb female. Or ditto pretending to be interested in something when you are not, in order to attract men.

Trier

Haha I was very much like you! Actually i still am a bit now and then but it was the stage i was at about 2 years ago. Are you 20/21 by any chance? lol
It feels a bit like me but i'm older now (23 since 4 months).
And i'm only understanding how to get out of it fully, by having moved up to "facing my home city after the changes" phase... Tough because that's really the epicentre of where all the 'problem' was developed before i decided and acted to change it and that's where i have to "impose" who i am and have become most to others but i'm ready to make all the efforts, it's worth it! And it's actually going ok

I was the ugly super shy wallflower in my home city (yes city so it's even harder maybe because we don't have that "community/childhood friends forced to somewhat keep in touch" culture you have in towns/villages...), went away for studies/internships/travels as young people do for 3 1/2 years, changing places every 6 months, then 4 months internship or 3 months + travels, then 1 year in one place etc...And after a slow but promising start at home in my new school i completely jumped headlong into this obsession of "self-improving"/changing/experiencing/starting to live fully using the excitement, the opportunities moving around so much gave me to start (partly) anew each time while still progressing and not getting back to zero each time etc...

Since starting college at home, i reinvented myself each time a little bit more from what i learnt and the confidence i had gained in the experiences before, adding touch-ups if you can say. Since i knew i was going to leave after, i dared a lot regarding everything (experiences/workloads/projects/looks whatever!) and kind of "jumped in people's faces" no problem after a while (i know it's bad but i just decided to make my natural exuberance even stronger)... if they liked my personality/spontaneity etc...some of them became good friends and we had loads of fun/heart pouring occasions together...with some of them...moved together as housemates etc...but it's tough, and you get toxic shame about people really discovering who you really are/were and feeling lonely sometimes. It was really tough and even the close friends i made then some of whom were housemates and whom i helped out so for example we would sleep in the same bed for 1 month with one...realised i was "mysterious"...and they inquired me a lot about what was that "deep" thing i was hiding...

But then you jump! and reveal it to those you get closest too while showing how much you've changed so actually even if it's forced/partly artificial change it's YOU, a new you. The one you've become through waking up from your paralyzing shyness which was preventing you from "seizing the day" a socially (and not only) inexperienced 19 years old...(in my case). They don't care, you keep doing your best and even if you'll always be a bit more "awkward" / "goofier" socially than many people, your sense of observation will see you through and you'll learn quick, you learn to not care about "not being normal" and not even liking the company of those people craving "normality/conventionality" so much after a while and surround yourself with tolerant people. Also "not affording to be so picky" at the start, and even if you are able to after, the fact that people judged you so easily etc... makes you develop a strong non-judgmental streak that helps you build really strong relationships with people who are really worth it when you do get somewhere, it is really appreciated, a fantastic characteristic to develop in yourself and also a way of not missing out on great people and listen to your heart and respect your intelligence instead of local conventions and peer pressure.

But hey! SEE THE POSITIVES! You're on a good path. It's only transitional! Realised the big progress you've made!

1) there's no shame in survival. 2) Why couldn't you make friends at 20/21/23? What if your parents traveled all the time when you were young and you weren't in the same place long enough to make lasting friendship? Why are some people so clickey anyway?...so many reasons for people being that young still and despite a great personnality/behaviour/potential not having that many (childhood) friends (i do realise through my irish friends now that there's a big "childhood friendships/community culture in Ireland especially rural enough)? If you make the best of your situation it's an ADVANTAGE! At least you're not the girl who "peaked in high school" if you know what i mean...the best years of your life could be ALL the rest of your life starting now (as the saying goes), getting better all the time, the future is NOT scary but exciting to you (so many of the people my age i meet are jaded/nostalgic/bitter already! i'm sure you know that type who fears leaving the happiest carefree days of their youth when they had everything so easily behind...)

People who became my friends found endearing that i was looking to make friends so bad and daring so much to help them/get close to them, enjoyed my conversation and my enormous curisosity/insatiability about EVERYTHING (i really have an "everything is peachy" attititude/get easily passionate about everything, and actually go and do the things i want to try always taking initiatives for us to go and do that, making crazy scenarios, or say yes, to anyone suggesting them, and embrace chaos and creativity/spontaneity in my life...it's a choice) that i gained from discovering everything so late and having such a rich inner life when i was shy (but observing everything from my bubble, interrogating myself etc...), my energy for life and making it work for me and others, my positivism... The day i stopped looking at how "inadequate" i was, how "late" i was, or how "ridiculous/sad/pathetic" my situation was etc...and believing conventional discourse about "you don't go out to make friends, who's so desperate? At 20/23 everybody already got their group of friends and it's too late if you don't have childhood friends etc etc... was the best decision i took and despite a few obstacles and moments of doubts here and there i never looked back and the progression i've been through the last 4 years has been the BEST years of my life, each one better than the other.

And also when you're so young you're allowed to change that much! You're not actually lying to anybody because you made a conscious choice to try to show to the world the best side of you! Your life is a permanent roller-coaster of emotions and hormones at that age, every day, week, month brings so many lessons! At least you're never bored and that's really living! Plus you are progressing and that's a nice feeling,no? You're going forward! : see the positives. Would you rather still be the 'shy ugly wallflower"???

You're not where you'd like to be yet in terms of feeling good in your skin/being authentic to yourself completely and coherent in your behaviour/thoughts etc...plus you're hoping to build close/deep relationships and great friendships. But you're getting there! How many people are not at peace with themselves and get further from it as years pass? At least you're going in the other direction : it gets better! You're now "hot", developed/are developing a great "sense of humour", are studying and building your future in a subject you like i bet/hope, have made a great group of friends (so what if they're all guys! i envy you! i had/have to fight hard to make guy friends whom i love the company off despite being very much into banter/sports/technology etc...), plus despite them being mostly in another town/paired up you still have a group of girl friends! You're not lonely, try to little by little (being less verbose as me and using the word "think" (guys hate the words feelings/emotions in my experience lol ) speak about your feelings and problems in a non ironic/sarcastic way in the middle of the banter and maybe one-to-one with the one you're closest with.

A tip : maybe to test the waters...mention someone else in thr group's problems? Like "Oh i feel bad for him because he's got so much on is plate now with this and that...he was telling me the other day, trying to laugh as always, but i could feel it really upset him that..." and see how the guy reacts. then if it goes well enough, "i can related, now thatt i'm here, i've been thinking this and this" etc... so it would be a general heart-to-heart about the situation of your group of friends with a bit of your story in the middle. If it goes well don't forget to thank him for listening. That he's a great "mate" etc... And that's actually the courageous way to fight and DECIDE to build your happiness and not feel sorry for ourselves, be the best you can be, make your dreams a reality, be friendly to people and make friends and you know what, if you keep progressing like you have it's even exciting! Everything will always be new/a bonus to you. Daring gets addictive so you're always pushing yourself more for everything, little victories after little victories and starting to feel fearless or at least ready to give your very best shot at anything whether physical, emotional, intellectual, social you name it.

Keep on your path and don't desperate. You'll get there and you know what, the days you were shy will serve you a lot, you wouldn't have the chance to be the woman you are and will be in the future without them and what they forced you to learn/do! It's an ADVANTAGE! The world is your oyster, there's nothing you can't do if you really want to and a smart, funny, open-minded, beautiful lady like yourself (but who isn't "arrogant" about it that's the advantage of the "i still feel like the ugly wallflower" part , yes even this is an advantage!), and who will always analyse (not too much though! live!) her behaviour and be ready to seize opportunities to get better and question "how can i make the most of this?"... will enjoy every minute of life from now on while progressing and never resting on her laurels, always going forward. Believe in yourself!

I wish someone had told me that in moments of doubts but all those years of shyness and having to challenge myself and make myself violence, brought me the biggest opportunity to develop an incredible strenght in myself and formidable tools to be happy and joyful. Shy people are just intense uncompromising people with too much energy who use this as a coping system (or hyper activity). WHen we break out of our shell we rock this world! :P

Best of luck, and keep your friends, even if you develop other friendships. Also, never let "toxic shame" rule your life, people know only what you tell them, live in the NOW being yourself (the new fun/sarcastic lady you are, plus the deep person with fears and need to confide in someone and wanting to have more girl friends, they're not incompatible, and none is the "real you" and the other a lie...your personality has many facets (for the better!) and both are you). The past is the past, can't be changed and it shouldn't really impact on the present after all. All you can control is what you do now. Oh and you're young, the "man of your life" will enter your life one day, but work on your life and happiness first

eeijlar

You poor girl.. sounds like a tough situation. It will pass though if you stick it out. Sadness always passes, it just seems to last longer than happiness.

Find a friend you can confide in, and tell them the whole story. If you don't know anyone who you feel comfortable enough to talk to, then go see a counsellor. You will feel great after it. There is nothing like being able to unload all of you feelings in one big lump!

There are a few practical things you can do in the meantime. Have you ever considered moving out of the house full of lads, and moving into a more mixed set up? Maybe share with one other girl, or a house which was girls and lads. It might help to share with people who are little bit older. At 22 most men are pretty primal and raw, and everything is short term, quick shag orientated and have as much fun as possible. The same goes for some women at that age. Forget about the lads, try and focus your attention on a man who is a bit older than you, say 25-27. You will have more success that way, I feel. What you need to meet is a man, what you are living with is a bunch of boys!

If your male friends told you that you are "hot", then you are DEFINITELY NOT a tom boy. Dress any way you like, and watch them drool... You are an attractive women, and I don't think women realise how powerful an asset that is. It can literally reduce men to quivering piles of jelly. It's THE most powerful asset you can have. They may slag you to you face, but as soon as you leave the room they are probably all thinking they would like to have sex with you! That guy who just wanted to sleep with you and then went off with someone else sounds like an eejit. He's 22, and that's all that's on his mind now. The extent of his thought patterns are probably: Beer - Sex - Football. If he was a decent bloke he would have respected the fact that you didn't want to sleep with him.

At 22 not many people are going for the serious relationship gig, so be patient and don't worry too much about it. Most girls at 22 do NOT have boyfriends. It might seem like that, but that is definitely not the case. 22 is the age of just having fun. 32 is the age of serious relationships. It will be ok in the end. Enjoy your early twenties... there's nothing like them. You sound like a gorgeous woman, and you will meet a gorgeous man. Get away from the lads from a while. Go somewhere where no one knows you. You can then take on any persona you wish, without being slagged about it. Whatever you are feeling now will pass. When I turned 30, it was only then I realised that loads of people around me whom I thought were having perfect lives were actually having a really tough time. Everyone is struggling, they might not show it on the outside.


Good luck!

piotro2

Having read through all the posts I would say your looks or personality are not really an issue. Your issue is the men you find. As a man I can tell you that we grow up with the stereotypes that feelings are not manly. As such, though feelings cannot be expressed directly, they are expressed in more "manly" ways. Odds are good that your friends are slagging you off for being a woman and trying to find a relationship because they have some insecurities themselves about being single. You said these friends are all single.

I would question why that is first. You can't have a heart felt conversation with them probably because none of them are capable of having such a conversation with anyone at all.

Usually when men get older, and sadly most only in their 40s, men get a bit more in touch with their feelings. I can see why women go for older guys. There are a few of us who get in touch earlier but it's usually only those that take an active interest in self improvement. I only really started to understand feelings a little while ago and i'm 27. It didn't just come to me either, I was reading a book I thought would help me in business and as it turned out it helped me with much much more than that.

Funny thing is that every single thing we do and say is motivated by one feeling or another but most people do not understand how to communicate feelings. It's usually communication of desires or actions. Even of those men who do get in touch with their own feelings, very few know how to listen. I would say this about women as well. Most people listen to respond, as opposed to listening to understand.

You need to center your worth around good principles, and not around your friends or negative thoughts about yourself. Find people who you can open up to and really talk feelings. A male friend would probably be a better asset in this because he can give you the male perspective and reassurance, especially if you talk about your insecurities as a woman.

It is usually better to have 1 true friend, then an army of drinking buddies. The sad truth is, the sort of commitment you might be interested in you will probably find in older men then 22. Not that 22 year olds are not capable, just the odds of it happening are slimmer.