Not enough in common + anger-management/sulking

Trier

Hello,

I had started a thread about moving in with my boyfriend and we made it through that now, fine enough.

The crisis has passed until the next little after shock when i'll do something that would 'piss him off'...

I'll be focusing on only 1/2 layers of our problem.

1) He's got an anger-management problem and can become very childishly manipulative (or so i think) sulking, wrecking stuff, being passive-aggressive, impulsive and all other manifestations of not being able to properly deal with his emotions in an adult way (sometimes he just "doesn't know what got him angry"...wtf?!). And it's polluting ALL his relationships, not only with me, sister, mum, friends and all...

My way of dealing with this was to read a lot on anger-management, sulkers etc...and always try to be my best, (overly) loving, constructive, overly logical self in all occasions, not even blaming him much when he wrecked the kitchen in our studio and other stupid, drunken tantrum stuff. (You have to understand that his situation is difficult though and that it was the only time it happened and that since this moment, everything has been far better).

Other very practical bit has been to ask him to go see a psychiatrist which he accepted (enthusiastically enough) and i even found a male, English-speaking one (we're not living in an English-speaking country) with very high qualifications that i met and who actually volunteered to see me for free (and since then i asked him if he spoke English and would accept to do the same for my boyfriend). Was a exceptional coincidence that i met him while on a course just when i was going to pay some English guy a lot without the same credentials but whose info are easily found on the internet. So we'll see how that goes. I managed to get him to say by himself that "he wants to change" (been like this most of his life) but only because "he doesn't want to hurt me", instead of for himself... Since then he admitted he wished he could be closer to his sister and stop falling out with her all the time though...So i guess he's progressing.

The fact that i've been very nonjudgmental about this (at least in appearance) has helped and i'll fight very hard to keep being like that. After all i'm not all goodie two shoes myself and he's in his own style a fantastic guy.
But it's started, the seed has been put in my head and i don't see him with the same eyes anymore, but not because of this behaviour per se, more because of how he's started being partly unfairly judgmental about me and after my usual gigantic bout of massive self-criticism, i've come round, taken the useful bits on board and started looking at him differently because of the disgusting ones...

2) Second bit is partly linked to this one : he's very different (and i'm very different) to what i perceived him to be/he perceived me to be. It's the first time we actually live together and even if we have quite a lot in common (mostly because i'm interested in ALMOST anything, and one of my top 3 interests is his too...) it's far from being enough. But i don't feel 'fed' enough whether emotionally, intellectually, (sex is good though) or supported enough in this relationship right now, i think he's frustrated too but i can't get him to express why except a few details. Many other exterior reasons could be interfering in this and maybe it's only temporary but i'd like some points of views on this more experienced people (it's my first relationship and first time living with my bf, it's his first proper relationship too and living with a gf, he's 28, i'm 23).
No (or not enough) stimulating conversations. He starts saying i'm "ranting" each time i try to dwelve into a subject deeper (even in a humorous way)...
He's the type to say "i can't be bothered" when something is too complicated/difficult which i absolutely hate...
He is as moody as a 2 year old child. I love the fact that he's an hedonist and wants to rush towards fun and flee pain (don't we all!) but i think his idea of fun is a bit too limited for me and then if i go to have my own fun he shouldn't be sulking on me because i didn't go with him... which is frustratingly not fun enough to me. Also, he's actually sometimes very conventional and down-to-earth hating any spontaneity (which he used to like in me)/ unplanned/surprise fun saying that he "hates when i get 'careless'/'carefree'" which is a state of mind i want to be able to keep alive in me for as long as i live! (Not always, but i want it to be there once in a while). So it's very contradictory.
Another element is this moodiness. He can feel his "day has been ruined" (even if he was all happy earlier saying it was having a fantastic time just seconds before...) and entertain in him his feelings of anger/being upset, sometimes over little or silly things (life is too short for this!!!!!!) and if i stick with him and keep pushing him gently, change his mood in 30 min...but then that's a frigging effort from me and that's only when i can, sometimes he actually "bathe in his own upsetting feeling" as i say to him for hours and it lingers for days... What a stupid, immature way of dealing with his life and making other people's life miserable for some silly things... It's getting slightly better little by little but even then i just can't picture life with this guy i thought was "the man of my life" to be like this... There are very few things i don't like (i never hate anybody for example etc..., i'm very easy going and looking at things in a positive or at least pragmatically positive way...) and it seems he has them all : intolerance towards others (while he is quite tolerant with himself and not questioning himself much...while his behaviours and shortcomings/oddities are quite extreme, which would be fine (every 'bigger than life' personnality has them! and i like those types of people but they own up to them...), judgmental towards others, stereotyping easily (cultures, people etc...), peremptory ("this is ****/crap" bla bla bla while he may actually change his mind a month after, having experienced different variants of the thing etc...), very prone to anger and with bad ways of dealing with it, slightly emotionally manipulative, not supportive, rarely admitting errors (and if so weeks after in a whisper you better not miss...or showing through behaviour that he has but never owning up to it and uttering the words like a man), quite misanthropic and not gregarious enough, very conventional in some of his ways of thinking, very childish in his moodiness (i thought that was a girl thing!?) and not much of a trier when things get too complicated...very much of a fleeer/quitter. I realise it sounds like judgements too but they are tendencies he has (and he'd be the first to admit them), i would never say 'he is....', unless it's a fact like "he's Irish"....I hate people doing this towards me, and it's -in my mind- undoable and unfair since we'll never have all the cards in hand to judge people who moreover may change as well! We're such unstable creatures... So i fight hard not to do it either to others.

Good thing he is open-minded enough (though not as much as i thought), not smug/arrogant at all (he's reproaching me to like "attention" too much by the way...) and also a very hard-working person.

The last few things are not deal-breakers (especially since a good circle of friends can cover for all those things he may never give me or i'd never be able to give to him/share with him because he just wouldn't care/enjoy them as much as me) he but the first ones are stuff i would never think i would put up with, it's just things i can't stand in anybody and never though i'd ever be attracted to someone who revealed himself to have those tendencies deep-rooted in him. Now he changes like the seasons (his expression) and it's actually not foolish in his case to think he'll change quite a bit in the next few years (especially since it's the big 29/30 years of age shift he's reaching and he's asking himself several questions, wondering what to do with his life and how...) but do i want to stay there to see that? Even then would he actually be the 'dream man' i'm realising through what i miss/don't have in him, i actually have (not physically, all mentally...) in my head (i know i should love him as he is, and I DO, but he does have problems, just like i have some and it's not only 'couples issues' we have, actually they're almost gone but mostly 'individual issues' that pollute our relationship. And can i settle for this, also since he's so critical of me all the time, am i the right person for HIM to be happy...?

Also i realise because he's not used to it, it's probably the most talk about what he wants / thinks he's ever had with anybody (i know men don't speak about 'feelings' and never asked him too, he actually volunteers much of this 'feelings' info all by himself...). But then there are a lot of those things that i'll never know or 'not on time' and i can't afford to waste time with this. Why can't he just speak openly when he wants something/something is wrong?! It's doing my head in.

Basically i'd be ok with all those differences if he accepted mine as i accept his : i realise they're there, analyse them in my head, take them on board and wonder if i could live like this long-term despite them etc...but i never judge him on them, prevent him to do things he wants to do /like related to them that i don't want to do if possible (even try my best to understand his point of view etc..) while he's openly critical/judgmental and ends up kind of limiting me from doing what i want /behaving like i want to not feel his silly ire after...or hide myself to do those things, be mysterious etc...This would be the massive change i want and won't compromise on.

For example, i'm stressed out and need a holiday, i'm going on a holiday with friends next week (friends he doesn't really like for no reasons whatsoever...that he could explain...) and he didn't say much about it even if i feel he's not too happy with it. (at the end of the week he's going back home for a stag with all his childhood friends and that should be good for him while i'll be welcoming a friend and my cousin in our studio to go to a music festival here...). We need the time appart i think and i think seeing again how his childhood friends' girlfriends behave towards them back home will maybe make him realise i'm not that bad...or so i hope. *roll eyes*

Cheap Thrills!

He sounds a bit of a kn0b to be honest.

My way of dealing with this was to read a lot on anger-management, sulkers etc...and always try to be my best, (overly) loving, constructive, overly logical self in all occasions, not even blaming him much when he wrecked the kitchen in our studio and other stupid, drunken tantrum stuff.

Being 'overly loving' and 'non-blaming' when someone smashes up the kitchen in a tantrum is not a good way of dealing with that kind of toxic behaviour.

All I can say is you are trying way too hard, you wont get it back. It takes two people to make things right.

The relationship sounds very hard work for a girl of 23. He sounds immature for a fella hitting 30. You two don't sound matched. You shouldn't be jumping through all these hoops in the hopes he will like you.

Good advice from Cheap Thrills!. This actually sounds so much like my ex, I'd have PM'ed you and asked for your fella's name if some of the details hadn't been off. Same immature way of dealing with anger, same claiming he 'didn't know' what made him angry. Like Cheap Thrills! said, this is a lot to be dealing with at 23. I look back to when I was 22-3 and think WTF was I doing in that kind of relationship, walking on eggshells all the time, having to justify going out without him when I should have been out having fun. You don't get your early twenties back.

You seem to be analysing yourself here and in reality I don't think the problem is you at all. You could be the most loving, patient girlfriend in the world and he'd probably still treat you badly, by the sounds of it. He sounds like a spoiled, petulant child, not a man of nearly 30. I'd walk out. Life is too short to be with people who drain you.

LegacyUser

I think you're making a huge deal out of someone being an out and out as*hole. Stop over analysing everything to death, ditch him and move on

Fox McCloud

I'm guessing you've spent a lot of time in this relationship, analysing and excusing terrible behaviour so much so you've forgotten whats acceptable and desirable in a relationship.

I can tell you know that the relationship you have sounds like its making you miserable. Your 23! Why would you settle for a guy who smashes up the kitchen in a rage and points out all of your short comings?

Your OP was quite long so i'l just pick out a few bits, He doesnt like your friends major reg flag here. Hes 28 and cant control his emotions. He falls out with the people who he's supposed to love on a regular basis. It was left to you to find him help with his anger issues. If he had been proactive here and dont it all hiself I would take it that he really wants to change to change, not to change cause your telling him to.

You sound like an amazingly tollerant person who encountered the intollerable.

A OH should be the person who you can be yourself completly around. I know that sounds like a nothing cliche but its true. Your spontaianity and 'sillyness' would be loved and cherished and matched by the right guy, not just tollerated. He's not the right guy. Aside from everything else this is a damn good reason to end this now.

aquarius lady

Dump him now! No more excuses for his totally unacceptable behaviour. You deserve alot better. The only question you need to ask of yourself is 'why am I prepared to put up with this shi.e' He will make your life a misery and break your heart if you stay with him. Furthermore, the longer you stay the more needy you will become, his unacceptable behaviour will somehow become acceptable and your self esteem will hit rock bottom and u will find it so difficult to leave. RUN!

LegacyUser

Perhaps you are over-analyzing?

I think you should get rid of him, cleanly and safely.

Imagine finding a man who excites you, intrigues you and treats you with tenderness, love and affection. A man, not a 30 year old boy.

Sometimes it is very difficult to see what the world outside is like, picture all of the possibilities were you free.

I spent 4 years in an abusive relationship with someone older (she was 29, I was 21), it was extremely difficult to leave and took me many months afterward to emotionally heal. But, it was such a powerful and liberating sensation to be free again and to love and be loved by others.

dan_d

I think you may have given him one too many chances OP.

When I think of my own relationship at 23...in fact, even my own relationship now, 4 years later - the basic differences are astounding.

You deserve better. You're put on this earth to enjoy your life, not coach some selfish being through his.

LegacyUser

Trier wrote: »

it's far from being enough. But i don't feel 'fed' enough whether emotionally, intellectually, (sex is good though) or supported enough in this relationship right now, i think he's frustrated too but i can't get him to express why except a few details.

No (or not enough) stimulating conversations. He starts saying i'm "ranting" each time i try to dwelve into a subject deeper (even in a humorous way)...

This is why you should end it. If you don't emotional or intellectual feeding, then what is the point?

Ending conversations you want to have means that you end up stopping even instigating them and this will lead to you altering your own personality.

I've been there when I was younger - it took me a year or two to realise that no amount of effort would change the fact that she would never be able to have a proper discussion with me about topics that I was interested in.

When I'd want to tell a story she'd interupt and change subject - cute at first, then I realised, she just wasn't interested. So my funny stories, which had other people laughing, didn't even get out of the starting blocks...... you can't make someone be interested if they won't even listen.

Conversations that I could have with other people, would end quickly. I felt silenced. I'm a chatty person but also a listener. She never really had much to say. It was all very surface level stuff. It never went deeper.

You will only get more frustrated staying in this.

I have been out with about 10 women - only 1 or 2 of them gave me the mental stimulation that I need - and that's mainly the ability to make me laugh and/or the conversations were stimulating. The ones I've broken up with never seemed to understand what was wrong.

The difference is, the ones that it worked with were the ones that I woke up with and could spend the day chatting, in silence, laughing with etc and wanted to do the same with the next day.

There is a guy out there who will give you that - not this guy though.

Trier

Thanks a lot for all the answers and i guess i'll prepare for a clean separation indeed.

I made it through our 'crisis' also for that. I want things to be in good terms if possible. And it's getting way better so i don't regret this.

I understand why some asked me "why i put up with this". But the thing is we've started living together only 3 1/2 months ago (and in our own place only 1 month ago...), for the 1st time in 19 months of relationship...And before that everything was fine... So all those events (amplified by circumstances : him moving to a new country where he doesn't know the language/culture, us staying at my parents for a while, him having to find a job and make friends, me starting an internship and studying at the same time, finding it weird being back home after years away etc...) happened in the space of a few months!!! It's been very hectic, a complete roller-coaster but the down part of it after the up before. And we had already been out of the "honeymoon period" for quite a while so that wasn't the only reason.

We are bit of intense persons, we tend to like hectic sometimes but when it's happy hectic, stimulating, good changes etc...when it's this horror it's something else.

So i didn't want my judgement to be blurred by all those other elements, felt really sad ending this on such a bad mindset, and also felt very much like a "quitter" dawning in a small cup of problems that maybe could be just a rough patch every couple had to go through etc...But i'm happy i stuck with it and tried my best (and he did try hard too, could be his "best" too because he doesn't "try" for much in anything in his life...sadly for him because he has enormous potential but what can you do...time to learn to stop fleeing/go the extra mile sometimes...if he wants he will) because even if we separate 1) it will be in good terms and on a common agreement, 2) we both won't be making the same mistakes after and do the work on ourselves (for our both respective lives, as persons, not only relationships wise), i know i will anyway.

Also i won a free therapist lol ...

Again, thank you very much and even if the situation is getting better and better i think i need to face the truth and well, all the messages were pretty clear and agreeing on this... And i know deep inside that it's the truth. He hasn't been moody or angry in two weeks (day of the massive drunken tantrum, but then he had "beer fear" and regrets...), been talking and because he volunteered the discussions (miracle...lol kidding). But i still think now, that i need to find the way to end this nicely and in a way that will help both of us to rebound well. I have a small idea but we'll see how that goes (end of my internship/move into a flatshare with friends / do all the projects i had in mind i couldn't tackle to be in a good support system / challenged / occupied and same for him hopefully, he has a few objectives of his own too).

He's been to one counselling and respects the psychiatrist a lot it seems. If he keeps to show himself ready to make efforts, he'll get there and i'll be there to support him (maybe not as a gf anymore though, maybe not even as a friend but as his only 'confident' regarding this subject...at first). I had a feeling i got very lucky finding this guy (i learn to play guitar and he does too). The fact that he's neither Irish/British/native English-speaker yet not from the country we live in...(very important, so a "foreigner" too...), a guy, a very smart guy at that, that i had warned him about the fact that he'll have to be very clever because my bf doesn't like to 'talk'...and even if he says he's willing and able to work on himself now may not like what it implies...and change his fickle mind at the first difficulty/pain of having to face the reality of what he is, what makes/made him like that, the amount of efforts he'll have to put in etc...Problem is that he's also a professor and travels a lot for conferences, give classes, even partly lives in another city etc...as well. So i hope he'll keep his word and also really help him in a steady way. If not i hope my bf (or i) will be able/accept to pay him at least a little.

Again, thanks a lot and we'll keep trying our best, in the ends that is what matters most, isn't it? Also yep i should definitely stop over-analysing. I'm not always like that (again i'm quite spontaneous as a person normally) but those last three months it's what i've become and i'm ok enough with it because that's the way i managed to cope, i just wish for this phase to be over soon. Being so self-centered and second-guessing everything is unhealthy if it goes on for too long if it's only transitional i kep telling myself it's actually for the best in the long-term...