Indecisive boyfriend/Feeling insecure

Computerproblem

I am going out with a guy around 7 months now.. I’m in late twenties, he’s early 30s. We get on really well, have lots of fun, he’s sweet and kind and tells me he’s mad about me etc etc.

This relationship is quite different to any other I’ve been in.. we are l feel very ‘new’ still.. I’ve had a few relationships before and usually after a couple of months things are very serious and we see each other a lot. We do see each other a good bit but it’s still quite formal in a way, as in pre-arranged nights. It’s not like with exes where we would call around to each other most evenings..

My boyfriend is very new to relationships. He’s also very set in his ways in lots of ways as he’s used to being single. He also can be quite selfless sometimes and assume I have better things to be doing than hanging out with him.. Though having said that he can also be a bit unthinking and just organise things by himself without considering me.. He also can be a bit indecisive – sometimes we talk about things and make some plans and then a few days/weeks later he has changed his mind or made other plans. He is not being deliberately disrespectful doing this and sometimes it’s a combination of him assuming I want to do my own thing and wanting to do things by himself..

I suppose my problem is that I feel a bit insecure in this relationship.. There are probably lots of reasons for this.. some of which are residual issues from previous relationships.. but some are around his way of interacting. The thing is he hasn’t really given me any massive reason to be insecure – he is very attentive and kind to me when we are together and he certainly says all the right things (though the l-word hasn’t been mentioned yet, just lots of ‘really like you’, etc). I know my head was a bit all over the place when we got together as it had only been a few months since breaking up with long term ex, so in lots of ways I needed to move slowly into any new relationship and so that’s a good thing..

I also know that I can be a bit controlling in relationships.. don’t really mean to be but I know I can be.. I want to be able to relax in this relationship but I can’t seem to totally, for example he is going away with his friends next week for a few days.. He invited me and I hmmed about going, then he just booked his own thing with his friend.. He said I could still go and he could change around plans.. and we discussed me going but then he mentioned something on Saturday that assumed I wasn’t going again.. His indecisiveness and his chopping and changing can be frustrating.. It’s something I have brought up with him before.. but don’t want to keep harping on about it..

I suppose what I would like is for him to be more assertive and say ‘ I really want you to come’.. rather than the ‘yes it would be great if you came but no problem if you can’t/don't want to’..

I suppose I’m writing here because I just feel a bit down about it all.. I don’t want to scare him away by either going on about his indecisiveness or by being too clingy either..

I really really like this guy but I suppose I am scarred of getting hurt again.. I know by now that you can’t change people – if you want to be with someone you have to accept them for what they are.. I know his indecisiveness is who he is.. But I suppose I do have slightly low self-esteem sometimes so I pick up his chopping and changing as something more personal than it might be.. Or if he doesn't just call over and see me when he can, I take it as a slight.. Part of me thinks he's lost interest and then another part of me knows he's probably just not thinking.. I would like to find a way not to overthink this.. I think sometimes if he was with someone a bit bossier it could work out okay..

Any help, comments or insights would be really helpful.. I know I’ve droned on a bit so thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.. I know it’s a nothing problem compared with some of the others on here.. but I would appreciate any insights from fellow boardsies..

ApeXaviour

Firstly can I commend you on the apparent honesty of your post.

Computerproblem wrote: »

I suppose I’m writing here because I just feel a bit down about it all.. I don’t want to scare him away by either going on about his indecisiveness or by being too clingy either..

Yes. Nagging, criticising and focusing on the negatives is a very bad idea.

Computerproblem wrote: »

I suppose what I would like is for him to be more assertive and say ‘ I really want you to come’.. rather than the ‘yes it would be great if you came but no problem if you can’t/don't want to’..

Looks like a simple case of a lack of communication. He is not a mind reader... and likely he won't connect any subtle hints either. He has behaviour habit x, but you would prefer him to act in behaviour habit y. Both are equally objection-less... he isn't to know any better, so you should tell him.
How you tell him is important. Any apparent criticism, nagging, patronising and... well it won't be good for either of you.
Example of how to go about it: with a smile on your face take him by both hands and sit down close with him. Say something like "honey, you know you're really nice to me, I really appreciate that you don't try to pressure me into things... but sometimes I like it when you take the reigns" insinuate that you find it bear bones manly and attractive, this will feed his ego. Positive reinforcement is the best way to encourage behaviour. Don't worry, he probably does it to you too. He says "wow you look beautiful in that dress/jacket/top", you're probably going to wear that garment a bit more often aren't you?
Now say one day he does grab hold of the reigns... "hey come over tonight". Positively reinforce this... "mmm... yes sir. I like it when my big man takes charge" (right this is getting a bit embarrassing now... you get the idea, alter to fit your personal relationship)

Computerproblem wrote: »

if he doesn't just call over and see me when he can, I take it as a slight..

You know this already but I'm just going to reaffirm it for your peace of mind. This is your issue that you should deal with. He's not slighting you.

Computerproblem

Thanks ApeXaviour for your post..

I have been trying to do what you suggested.. and it has worked very well.. A few times he has changed meeting times with him or was vague about meeting up details.. and so I have said it to him. This has usually gone down well and has been quite positive for us..

However it's still an issue as it often just happens again.. and I suppose the fact is that this is part of his behaviour so it's always going to be an issue really.. or maybe it's something that might gradually change as we get more involved..

I don't want to have to keep saying something, because no matter how I say it if it's continuous it amounts to nagging.. And I don't think it's a total deal-breaker for me either cos for the most part I know he likes me and I need to trust that knowledge.. probably more than I've been able to in past relationships.. that is what's hard..

And while I know my insecurity is my own problem, but I suppose because I'm not totally 100pc super-confident all the time (is anyone?), I can't help but think the worst sometimes..

ApeXaviour

Computerproblem wrote: »

A few times he has changed meeting times with him or was vague about meeting up details.. and so I have said it to him. This has usually gone down well and has been quite positive for us..

That's not at all what I meant. You're picking out when he does something "wrong". This is a bad road to go down nomatter how well he seems to take it, it's nagging and it won't change the behaviour, he's had his mother and teachers etc do this all his life, you don't want to be in that role... you're his partner. After a while he'll feel as if he can't do anything right and get grumpy and stubborn. Any changes he makes will be temporary and for entirely the wrong reasons (i.e. to shut you up).

If he's vague or fickle in future for god's sake don't point it out.

Let me switch the genders here and maybe you can see where I'm coming from. I had an ex who wore this rain jacket that I thought was possibly the most unflattering thing she could have worn beyond a potato sack, I was literally embarassed to introduce her to old friends, it made her look like an awkward teenager. She wore it the majority of the time. I knew though that if I said "you look horrible in that jacket, please don't wear it" I'd only cause a world of strife... and she'd likely wear it more often just to spite me, and to show her independence. So I kept my mouth clamped shut. Anytime she wore any other jacket though I'd shower her compliments down to the ground. Positive reinforcement... Soon that other jacket was long forgotten as her confidence grew with the other ones, they made her more happy

You could probably say to your BF "that shirt doesn't suit you, wear this one" and he'd take it in his stride. Men tend not to put much of their self-worth in their attire. We do however hold a lot of it in our masculine roles, saying he's not assertive/decisive etc. is going to knock him down a peg. His confidence will suffer, and you'll only be working against yourself.

Your bf probably isn't likely that confident assuming such an assertive role. Badgering when he isn't doing it isn't going to improve matters. He'll only change his behaviour if he wants to and he decides to. You can't make him do it, you can only provide an environment to nurture such behaviour, and you can't nurture with criticism.