Parents ruling my life still

LC2010HIS

Hey guys
I need advice on this issue
My parents are very dominating. Ever since i was young, my whereabouts etc were controlled.
Now, im 19 and my parents are still ruling my life. They criticise everything. Everytime i make plans to go out with my friends on a night out, they make me feel guilty. Now, i never went out bush drinking when i was young. And i dont get drunk. i have one or two drinks and leave it at that. but the way they criticise me as if i was a wild child. i barely go out. and when i do, they are collecting me at 11 and 12 cause i cant drive and they'll be "going to bed". when i suggest taxi, im shouted down - for wasting money. then, when im out, i cant even enjoy it after the quizzing and i know my friends think im under the thumb and i find it hard to relax and have fun now etc im even told i cant sleepover in friends houses ....
I went out and grabbed a job, thinking they'd lay off me and let me alone, or at least recognise independance. but no. they have an opinion on that too. and what i spend.
ive done nothing to spite them or anything. my friends are all trusted and left alone. and frankly, their the wild kids, not me.
I feel i show my rents respect and im getting none back. ive always done what ive been told. and its not good enough.
i even tried to stand up to them and they say its a bit late for the teen rebellion .......ive been made feel stupid when i question them etc
how am i meant to experience my youth etc if im being caged up? im sick of being treated like a 15yr old.
i want to create my own experience and judgements and memories. its not fair.
help me and before anyone says it, i cant afford to move out and yes, i am mature. im writing here cause its controlling my life

tinkerbell

Unfortunately, while you're under your parents roof, there's not much you can do with regards to them trying to be controlling. So you do need to move out, but if you say that's not possible, then you'll have to stick it out for a while.

Why won't they let you get a taxi? Do you not have your own key to let yourself in? Would they be paying for the taxi? I think if you are 19 and have a job, then you should show them that you can be independent by pitching in with groceries, doing your own laundry, things like that. Might gain a bit of respect that way, and they might stop annoying you.

Failing that, if they are asking you fifty million questions every time you go out, just stop answering them.

But really, this is not gonna stop til you move out. So try and get your stuff in order and see if you can rent a place with a few friends.

LC2010HIS

tinkerbell wrote: »

Unfortunately, while you're under your parents roof, there's not much you can do with regards to them trying to be controlling. So you do need to move out, but if you say that's not possible, then you'll have to stick it out for a while.

Why won't they let you get a taxi? Do you not have your own key to let yourself in? Would they be paying for the taxi? I think if you are 19 and have a job, then you should show them that you can be independent by pitching in with groceries, doing your own laundry, things like that. Might gain a bit of respect that way, and they might stop annoying you.

Failing that, if they are asking you fifty million questions every time you go out, just stop answering them.

But really, this is not gonna stop til you move out. So try and get your stuff in order and see if you can rent a place with a few friends.

hey
i have a key. i havent a clue why they wont let me get a taxi. they always insist on collecting me but then make me feel guilty.
its so annoying, i cant even bring a friend over for a dvd without being made feel guilty. a bloody dvd like. my mom verbally abused me there one day cause the house wasnt clean when it was.
i always end up going to my friends' house more than mine and they'r starting to push to go to mine as im sure its tiring for them as host.
everytime i leave the house, its a relief.
my life is dictated though. its not fair. its defo not normal. they are so controlling and my dad is a bully at the best of times too tbh

tinkerbell

Well if that's the case so, time to start standing up for yourself. You're 19, an adult so you don't have to justify yourself to them anymore.

Next time you go out, TELL THEM you will be getting a taxi home. Politely decline their invitation for a pick up but say you will be getting a taxi. Perhaps so they won't worry, tell them of an approx time you will be home at (baby steps here).

And stop feeling guilty! You're 19, not 9, so there is no reason to feel guilty.

As for your friends, you need to explain to them that home-life is difficult so it's not really possible to have them over, I'm sure they'll understand, they are your friends after all. Have you talked to your friends about this??

cooltown

Your parents love your. They just want you to be safe but tell them that your older now and you need to be independent. Make sure that they know that you'll be safe out and maybe suggest staying at somebody's house again. Give them their house number. So they can ring f they want.
If this doesn't work. Get a bag. Pack it. Bye mam & dad!

LC2010HIS

cooltown wrote: »

Your parents love your. They just want you to be safe but tell them that your older now and you need to be independent. Make sure that they know that you'll be safe out and maybe suggest staying at somebody's house again. Give them their house number. So they can ring f they want.
If this doesn't work. Get a bag. Pack it. Bye mam & dad!

thing is, i threathened to move out in the next yr before and they snapped
i dunno, i think ive made myself open for control when i asked their advice alot when i was young.
the fact i have a young sis doesnt help. she is acting out and im getting the blame and being treated on the same level as her. its wrecking my head

i also have zero privacy-they waltz in and out of my rm like its our lounge, i even stand by the door to get changed so i can block it :O and have asked for a key and they wont give it...:eek:

Zen65

LC2010HIS wrote: »

:O and have asked for a key and they wont give it...:eek:

That's most peculiar. All my kids have keys to our house, they are all younger than you. Are you male or female? Their concern seems a little over-bearing but I know I am more protective of my daughter than of my sons, and my wife is the same, and we can't explain it with simple logic.

It's time for you to make a stand, be assertive but not aggressive. At 19 you should have a key to the house you live in.

Understand that your parents believe they are acting in your best interest. They are concerned that the world is a more threatening place than it was when they were growing up, though in reality the dangers are very much the same. Let them know that you respect them and love them, but need to be given the space to become an independent adult.

I'm saying all of this on the basis only of your side of the story. They will legitimately have a different view. Try to understand their view, and agree a common basis for being given extra freedom.

I'm betting your mom was right about the place being messy. My kids cannot see the mess in our house either.

Be at peace,

Z

cooltown

Can you afford to move out?

LC2010HIS

Zen65 wrote: »

That's most peculiar. All my kids have keys to our house, they are all younger than you. Are you male or female? Their concern seems a little over-bearing but I know I am more protective of my daughter than of my sons, and my wife is the same, and we can't explain it with simple logic.

It's time for you to make a stand, be assertive but not aggressive. At 19 you should have a key to the house you live in.

Understand that your parents believe they are acting in your best interest. They are concerned that the world is a more threatening place than it was when they were growing up, though in reality the dangers are very much the same. Let them know that you respect them and love them, but need to be given the space to become an independent adult.

I'm saying all of this on the basis only of your side of the story. They will legitimately have a different view. Try to understand their view, and agree a common basis for being given extra freedom.

I'm betting your mom was right about the place being messy. My kids cannot see the mess in our house either.

Be at peace,

Z

hey Z
i meant i dont have a key for my room
i do have a key to the house
sorry i should of been clearer there:o

tenchi-fan

Hi
I think you should move out.
My dad behaved similarly.. expect he waited until my granddad died and i was in a bad frame of mind before he completely took control of my life and ruined it on me. 18-24 basically. i'm 28 now and still trying to get past that.

#1 don't believe your parents are acting in your best interests. They Might be , or they might just be trying to control you. Just ask yourself "would I take this from a stranger?"
#2 Don't compromise. If you want some space and your parents refuse to give it to you, you need to move out. The minimum you should expect is some privacy. How would they feel if you barged into their room in the middle of the night.

dan_d

The room thing? Totally, way and completely over the top.

An extreme action would be to change the lock on your door and keep the key for yourself. Standing behind the door to change at the age of 19 is beyond ridiculous.

I suppose the next time you go out, can you just not tell them where you're going, or tell them you'll be in one place for a while and after that, you'll probably move on to somewhere else but you're not sure where? At least that way, they won't know where to pick you up from and you can just get a taxi. Don't answer texts or phonecalls, just txt them back once to say you're fine, and that people haven't decided yet what they're doing, you'll make your own way home.

To be honest, you just have to stand up to them. All mothers verbally abuse about houses being clean, by the way, it's just part of being a mother apparently! Now if she's verbally abusing you about your room not being clean - at the age of nineteen, your room is your business, and your problem and to be honest, your mother should realise that.....why would she be going around picking up after her adult child?

I know there's people who say they're doing it for you and they're doing their best etc,etc, but I just don't buy that. They may think they are but they need to realise when to back off. It's a learning process for kids as much as their parents, and whether they like it or not they are doing more damage than good.

If I were you, I'd start with drilling into them that they must knock before entering your bedroom.

LC2010HIS

my heads being wrecked 24/7
i couldnt even get up this morning and she was in my face and i mentioned im going to a bday and im made feel guilty.
i hate it. i feel im missing out on my youth, it was bad enough they locked me up when i was 16 and 17, but enuf is enuf.
im actually smart and i know the 411 about going out. maybe ive let um away with it for too long :mad: they just shout me down all the time

dudara

Assuming that you are honest in your description of the respect you show your parents - the only thing to do here is to start living your life the way you want to live it. Don't ask their permission to do so, or pay attention to their protestations.

As a courtesy, I would tell them what you are doing, but that would be it, e.g. "I am going to a friend's party tonight at XX. I will get a taxi home and expect to be back at XXam." Then go and do that. Make sure to stick to what you tell them. You essentially have to "educate" them to the fact that you are now old enough to take care of yourself and that you are old enough to be trusted.

irishh_bob

your parents OP sounds like very dogmatic and controlling people , unfortunatley they also seem good at making you feel guilty , they know what buttons to press , i think you need to cut ties ( relativley speaking ) as soon as you can , moving away from home may make your parents take a step back and its usually easier to get on well with your parents ( and family ) when you see them less often , you need to enforce your independance on this one without delay

Busi_Girl08

OP, are you in university? Or at least starting it this autumn?

If so, then first of all use that to your advantage. Spend more time away from home. Hang out in the students union, join some clubs and societies, etc.
Just stay away from the house for the sake of your sanity.

Then, once you get your finances into gear, just get out of there. They can snap at you and guilt-trip you all they like, but they can't hold you prisoner. You are an adult and are free to make decisions like that.

Dwn Wth Vwls

You keep saying that they're making you feel guilty, but you don't say how or why. What do you have to feel guilty about? What are they saying to you?

irishh_bob

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

You keep saying that they're making you feel guilty, but you don't say how or why. What do you have to feel guilty about? What are they saying to you?

parents are inherintley capable of making thier children feel guilty , surely you can understand that , no matter what anyone says , we all seek aprooval from our parents regardless of what kind of a relationship we had with them growing up or during adulthood

mcdoogle

I know exactly how you feel. In my case I went off and got a job away from home. Bailed out at 19 and rarely go home. All my friends have moved away so have no real reason to go home (max 4 times a year).

I tried explaining to my ma (Da's grand) what she does but its no use. She doesn't seem to realise what she does is unacceptable or maybe she doesn't want to know. I deal with it the way that works best for me - moved to the opposite end of the country and rarely go home. Most "mature" people here will say this isn't very grown up and not the way to face problems but has been working fine for me for ten years.

My advice is to start saving like mad and get enough together to move out (in with friends or older siblings) but away from your home town where they cannot control you.

Wagon

mcdoogle wrote: »

Most "mature" people here will say this isn't very grown up and not the way to face problems but has been working fine for me for ten years.

If it's working for you, it's a mature decision.

OP, I've read your posts and I'd say that their love for you is clouding their decision. Which I think is pretty stupid on their part because it's making you miserable. The best guess I can take on this is that they are afraid something will happen to you and they'll never get over it. But you know what? Tough ****! If they aren't prepared to let their children go into the big bad world by themselves, they shouldn't have had kids. Giving your child freedom to actually grow up and discover the world is part of parenting. They don't seem to have copped that.

So it's up to you to show them. Which isn't easy. Like mcdoogle said above, moving out and not going back only a few times a year is a great idea but this is Ireland and the odds of a 19 year old being financially independant are so slim it's nigh on impossible, certainly in 2010 anyway.

Someone above said to take it one step at a time. It's a great start. I mean you're 19. Still have plenty of growing up to do but I've known 40 year olds who still had to grow up so the sooner the better. Tell them you're going out, don't ask. Tell them what time you'll be back at, and come back then. start off at about 11pm, then 11.30 and then 12.00. then later. one bit at a time. It's your own money you're spending and not your parent's. None of their business what you decide to spend it on, you earned it! If they try and guilt you by saying things like "we pay for your food and put a roof over yor head", dont listen! That isn't a privilage! It's called being a responsible parent and providing for the children that THEY chose to have. Stick to your guns, and i gaurentee that it will eventually get easier.

Best of luck anyway. Hope it improves soon

Gone West

very simple, just move out.
Make it work, money wise, if you are motivated enough you will make it happen.

BigCon

Move out or put up.

Wagon

Fuzzy wrote: »

very simple, just move out.
Make it work, money wise, if you are motivated enough you will make it happen.

Yeah but she's 19. Doesn't work like that in the real world.

_sparkie_

Wagon wrote: »

Yeah but she's 19. Doesn't work like that in the real world.

eh, yeah it does. if you really have that big a problem with your parents 'interfering' with your life then get a job and start renting a place. it is not going to be easy and it is going to change your life so think long and hard about it. if you really have had enough and need to get out then you WILL find a way.

Gone West

Wagon wrote: »

Yeah but she's 19. Doesn't work like that in the real world.

The real world, living in your parents house?
Or the real world where you move out, get a job (she has one already), and live independently at 18 or 19? Yes it does work like that, grow up, take responsibility. If the mammy and daddy are smothering you, complaining on an internet forum is not the real world. Taking control of your life... is the real world. 19 is not too young.

LegacyUser

irishh_bob wrote: »

parents are inherintley capable of making thier children feel guilty , surely you can understand that , no matter what anyone says , we all seek aprooval from our parents regardless of what kind of a relationship we had with them growing up or during adulthood

So if you seek approval from your parents, it means that the feeling of guilt stems from you, and not your parents. Deal with it instead of blaming them for all of life's ills.

OP you're being very vague. You're using very strong language to describe the way your parents treat you ie your mother verbally abused you. You do know that if someone verbally abuses you, it means that they say things like 'you're useless, you'll never amount to anything, who'd have you' etc. Is this what your mother said to you?

You also talk about them making you feel guilty. As I said above, it's your choice whether you feel guilty or not. You make it sound as if your parents are coercing you into feeling guilty eg 'your mother's dying, can you not do this one thing?' etc.

So are your parents saying things like these to you? If they are, get out as soon as possible. Go live with a friend if possible because what they're doing is abusing you.

If they're not talking to you like this, well I'm afraid your parents are just typical parents, and probably have a lot on their hands if you go around saying stuff like 'my parents verbally abuse me'

Esoteric_

Moving out at 19 isn't that hard. I did it.

Even if you're only working part time, say 20 hours per week, minimum wage = approx €150 pw after taxes. Rent a single room in a shared house for about 250pm (and yes, you can get them at this price if you search through daft for long enough). Save 80 pw, that is 320 each 4 weeks. That will cover rent and bills. That leaves you 70 a week to feed yourself, which is more than enough. You might have little or no social life, but you'll be free from your parents.

Aside from moving out, grow a set. I'm sorry but for christ sake, TELL them you're going out, don't ask. If they try to guilt you, ignore it. You're the one that is giving in to their ridiculous demands, so you're at fault here. You're not going to get freedom unless you stand up for yourself and stop bowing down just because you don't want any hassle.

LC2010HIS

hey guys
got the lc results today and i wasnt impressed. but they were there for me 100% - wouldnt be able to move out right away

but i do agree i need to make my feelings known

irishh_bob

unregistered wrote: »

So if you seek approval from your parents, it means that the feeling of guilt stems from you, and not your parents. Deal with it instead of blaming them for all of life's ills.

OP you're being very vague. You're using very strong language to describe the way your parents treat you ie your mother verbally abused you. You do know that if someone verbally abuses you, it means that they say things like 'you're useless, you'll never amount to anything, who'd have you' etc. Is this what your mother said to you?

You also talk about them making you feel guilty. As I said above, it's your choice whether you feel guilty or not. You make it sound as if your parents are coercing you into feeling guilty eg 'your mother's dying, can you not do this one thing?' etc.

So are your parents saying things like these to you? If they are, get out as soon as possible. Go live with a friend if possible because what they're doing is abusing you.

If they're not talking to you like this, well I'm afraid your parents are just typical parents, and probably have a lot on their hands if you go around saying stuff like 'my parents verbally abuse me'

you know a lot and see a lot

LC2010HIS

unregistered wrote: »

So if you seek approval from your parents, it means that the feeling of guilt stems from you, and not your parents. Deal with it instead of blaming them for all of life's ills.

OP you're being very vague. You're using very strong language to describe the way your parents treat you ie your mother verbally abused you. You do know that if someone verbally abuses you, it means that they say things like 'you're useless, you'll never amount to anything, who'd have you' etc. Is this what your mother said to you?

You also talk about them making you feel guilty. As I said above, it's your choice whether you feel guilty or not. You make it sound as if your parents are coercing you into feeling guilty eg 'your mother's dying, can you not do this one thing?' etc.

So are your parents saying things like these to you? If they are, get out as soon as possible. Go live with a friend if possible because what they're doing is abusing you.

If they're not talking to you like this, well I'm afraid your parents are just typical parents, and probably have a lot on their hands if you go around saying stuff like 'my parents verbally abuse me'

ok maybe shes not verbally abusing me !:rolleyes:

but they should trust me more. im under the thumb.

LC2010HIS

i confind in my mam about friends etc and then she uses it against me :eek: telling i cant go out and all this shíte:mad: wtf like

katie99

U need to stand up to your parents. Don't take any bull**** or threats or succumb to your father's bullying behaviour.
Tell them you are staying over in a friend's house; tell them you will take a taxi home; tell them you are 19 and will be staying out till whatever time you like.

Fukuyama

LC2010HIS wrote: »

thing is, i threathened to move out in the next yr before and they snapped
i dunno, i think ive made myself open for control when i asked their advice alot when i was young.
the fact i have a young sis doesnt help. she is acting out and im getting the blame and being treated on the same level as her. its wrecking my head

i also have zero privacy-they waltz in and out of my rm like its our lounge, i even stand by the door to get changed so i can block it :O and have asked for a key and they wont give it...:eek:

I feel you man. I got pretty much the same deal here (less severe) especially with the younger sis thing... I know how that goes.

Anyway, I think its times for you to pack a bag. College accomidation maybe? Move in with friends?

In two years time, do you still want to be here?

Eric Cartman

Wagon wrote: »

Yeah but she's 19. Doesn't work like that in the real world.

it does , I got a decent job when I was 18 and moved out as soon as my first paycheck , and this was at the height of the recession too ,