too clingy.

Gannicus

I am at a loss for options at this stage.

I started seeing a girl recently. I like her and we get on really well everything from personality to intimacy is really great.

Only thing is I'm getting sick of her annoying me with constant texts for a status update on what I'm doing, where I am. I don't mean a few texts or calls a day I mean literally every 5-10 mins. 2 weeks ago is perfect example. Here's what happened (times are actually the right ones. the texts are still in my phone)

(blue me, red her)

09:58 hey babes x x x. How's you?
09:59 I'n work. started at 8 this morning. How are you?
10:01 Coolio, in work too. what you doing.
10:02 internet policy updates and sending out docs to customers
10:03 okay. what you donig later hun?
10:07 going to the match with *****. kick offs at 8
10:08 cool. you coming over tonight hun?
10:10 Yeah. match over about 10. you be up
10:10 ye I will.
10:12 right. Will ring you in a while up to me eyes here. call you when I'm on my lunch this afternoon
10:12. k xxx

PRETTY NORMAL SO FAR

10:30 So bored :-(
10:35 what you doing?
10:40 you okay?
10:42 Will ring you when I get me lunch. have to get this finished today or bring the work home with me for the weekend. not doing that.
10:43 okay. leave you to it.
10:50 hows work going.
10:55 1 Missed Call
11:00 2 Missed Calls
11:10 you not talking to me
11:12 you okay?
11:15 3 Missed Calls
11:16 4 Missed Calls
11:20 Answer your phone
11:22 5 Missed Calls.
11:30 I'm really busy. I will call you on me lunch
11:31 Whats up your arse
11:33 I WILL CALL YOU LATER


Now this kept up for a few days even after I'd been up to her. I sat her down and one evening and told her to relax with this behaviour in a calm mature fashion. she was grand for a couple of days. then back to this. no matter how much I tell her she wont give me some space and relax on the wanting to know what I'm doing where I am and who i'm with. should I call it a day with her.

Nevyn

Turn off your phone or just don't answer her calls.
She needs to learn that you are in work and can not be at her beck and call on the phone.

Gannicus

Thaedydal wrote: »

Turn off your phone or just don't answer her calls.
She needs to learn that you are in work and can not be at her beck and call on the phone.

I turn me phone off then I turn it back on and get asked why am I ignoring her or am i just using her for sex. or please answer me and voicemails to the same affect

eyeball kid

As Thaedydal said you just need to say to her that when you are in work that you can't respond to every single text or phonecall.

unreggd

Send her this thread

You told her you'd call her at lunch, and she still floods your phone. Girl's got issues

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I went through a similar situation last year. I am still dating the girl in question but it took a lot of patience on my part as the texts from her in the beginning were as frequent and annoying.

Forgive me if I am wrong about this but from what I can gather (i.e. when she asked are you using her for sex remark) after you have tried to be understanding about the situation that she appear insecure about the relationship. Perhaps she was in a bad relationship in the past but I think that she needs to reciprocate the same understanding to you especially as you have explained that you are working and can't respond...

As this is a recently started relationship it is important for both of you to try and understand each others comfort zones and she clearly isn't. I know this is a difficult situation but if you care about this girl then don't give up, just make it clear that you can't respond as frequently as her but reassure her that it isn't because you do not care.

From my experience and I realise that many people will frown upon being untruthful in a relationship, but I told my girlfriend that I couldn't respond to her calls or texts at work because management didn't allow us to as it interfered with our work and when we did they took note of it. Initially this worked but she started again every lunch on the hour and straight away after work so I understand what a pain it can be. But hey, at least it stopped her texting during work. You could always turn you phone off (but from my experience) when you turn it on you will just get a barrage of texts and missed calls...

LegacyUser

I agree that she has security issues.

If you like her enough, confirm her that you like her and care about her and enjoy the moment with her, but you need your personal space as well. And you feel you are not being respected too if she breaks the boundaries and you would resent her more if she keeps on doing this. Giver her a kiss or a hug, smile when you talk, hold her hands when you talk.

And well, you may need to have this kind of talk a few time to secure her and send the message clearly to her.

Good luck.

opinion guy

.

Ickle Magoo

I would call it a day, tbh. You clearly stated your boundary and she is either unwilling or unable to respect that. If you really like her then by all means restate them or even underline them and add that it's not going to be possible to continue a relationship with someone who is so insecure and suggest she seeks professional help for both your sakes.

Miss Fluff

Big Steve wrote: »

should I call it a day with her.

Yes.

Sound Bite

OP I'd end it too if I were you. Clingy people who get attached far too early, like this girl, usually have lot of self esteem issues and take rejection badly. the longer this continues the worse it'll get. She probably also has control and jealousy issue too.

She wont take it well most likely, but its be worst the longer you leave it.

Good luck.

Neyite

you told her you were busy, that you would call her at lunchtime, and she still sends you 10 texts and 15 missed calls in an hour?? then has the cheek to ask you whats up your arse?

ok so thats one example you gave, but you have spoken to her, and she still hasnt modified her bunny-boiling.

if it was a girl writing your OP about her boyfriend, we would be calling him a controlling psyco, and telling her to GET OUT NOW. i would give the same advice to you. GET OUT NOW. (and do her a serious favour on your way out the door and tell her exactly why you are leaving)

LegacyUser

You need to take action now. Clingyness is an absolute killer in a relationship but it can be fixed. You need to sit her down and talk to her, dont pull your punches, be honest and straightforward. Tell her you will help her through this, you know it wont be easy but you will help.

On her side, she needs to make better use of her time. She needs to realise that to be able to breath is a relationship/friendship is as important as the times you spend together. Explain that you wont be texting her all the time (whether you are in work or not). You should also spend a little less time together for the next week or two. Dont completely cut off contact but pick a day and say i'm not going to contact you at all today, the first time choose a day when she'll be busy anyway, the next time when she's doing nothing.

It'll be tough and i hope you make it through it. You will if its worth it, but its up to her to realise that its her problem and not yours.

mercer

run like the fecking wind! she is constantly going to need attention... i know girls like this and they cannot stop themselves from texting/ringing guys they are seeing. seriously!! i'm with my boyfriend 8 years and i would NEVER and have never behaved like this, if you were having a constant conversation all day by phone there would be nothing to talk about in the evening when you meet up.

if you're only going out awhile its completely psychotic to act this way? whatever happened to playing hard to get?
seriously... move on to someone who has some sense of independence!

opinion guy

simpleton simpleson wrote: »

You need to take action now. Clingyness is an absolute killer in a relationship but it can be fixed. You need to sit her down and talk to her, dont pull your punches, be honest and straightforward. Tell her you will help her through this, you know it wont be easy but you will help.

On her side, she needs to make better use of her time. She needs to realise that to be able to breath is a relationship/friendship is as important as the times you spend together. Explain that you wont be texting her all the time (whether you are in work or not). You should also spend a little less time together for the next week or two. Dont completely cut off contact but pick a day and say i'm not going to contact you at all today, the first time choose a day when she'll be busy anyway, the next time when she's doing nothing.

It'll be tough and i hope you make it through it. You will if its worth it, but its up to her to realise that its her problem and not yours.

But wait - is he her therapist ?

Personally speaking - I'm not looking for a project. Girl needs to sort her own **** out and not have some boyfriend do it for her.

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

But wait - is he her therapist ?

Personally speaking - I'm not looking for a project. Girl needs to sort her own **** out and not have some boyfriend do it for her.

No, he's not. If he decides that their relationship is worth it then he can help. All help is help at he end of the day, whether its professional or personal.

Everything depends on his decision whether the relationship is worth it or not. My point is that clingyness can be fixed.

sam34

personally, i would run, and run fast

i cannot abide that sort of neediness

Moomoo1

opinion guy wrote: »

But wait - is he her therapist ?

of course he is. He's her partner :rolleyes:. If you love someone then you'll care about their problem issues as much as your own.

Gannicus

be there done that wrote: »

Forgive me if I am wrong about this but from what I can gather (i.e. when she asked are you using her for sex remark) after you have tried to be understanding about the situation that she appear insecure about the relationship. Perhaps she was in a bad relationship in the past but I think that she needs to reciprocate the same understanding to you especially as you have explained that you are working and can't respond...

I did i told her that I do really like her and I want to be with her in a proper relationship. Like I invite her to join me when I'm going with my friends to football or on a night out but she says no because there's a load of people there. I even ask if I can bring a mate when she asks me to come out with her friends. Its a no too. she has not met one of my friends I really do try to keep it as mature as possible and I don't lose me cool. nice calm supportive voice. I'm not looking for a row.

where to get

Big Steve wrote: »

I did i told her that I do really like her and I want to be with her in a proper relationship. Like I invite her to join me when I'm going with my friends to football or on a night out but she says no because there's a load of people there. I even ask if I can bring a mate when she asks me to come out with her friends. Its a no too. she has not met one of my friends I really do try to keep it as mature as possible and I don't lose me cool. nice calm supportive voice. I'm not looking for a row.

As stated before, Get out, Get out now!! Whatever about her having trust issues or just needing to be reassured the fact that she isnt even trying to get to know your friends or be involved in any aspect of your life is ringing warning bells in my mind anyway. Speaking as a woman, if any man was like that with me or my friends it would be seen as trying to isolate you from your friends, and thats not healthy in either men or women!! I applaude you for keeping your cool and not looking for a row, but in my opinion, this behaviour is unacceptable and should not be tolerated. On the issue of her getting professional help, while that may benefit her, I do not think it will be possible for her to change her behaviour while in a relationship with you or anybody else. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh though

magneticimpulse

Simple solution, dump her! Seriously she needs to learn not to be a bunny boiler. As for you?? Do you really want to date a bunny boiler? Plenty of normal girls out there. Just find a new one who doesnt text every 5 minutes.

Kimia

She sounds psychotically insecure. I mean, she can't meet your friends because 'people might be there'??? Madness. Utter madness.

As Opinion guy said, do you really need a project? She sounds like hard work, has serious issues, and it'll only get worse, do you really want that for yourself?

mercer

simpleton simpleson wrote: »

No, he's not. If he decides that their relationship is worth it then he can help. All help is help at he end of the day, whether its professional or personal.

Everything depends on his decision whether the relationship is worth it or not. My point is that clingyness can be fixed.

really? "fixed"... you're making her sound like a project.
maybe its more an issue of incompatibly. some men like independent women.. some (albeit a few) like dependent women. the guy posting the problem sounds like the guy who would fair better with an independent woman!

not all people are there to be saved, that not what relationships are about.
she's a grown woman, she should sort her own problems out.

Gannicus

Hey Guys. Cheers for all the advice. I woke up this morning and my phone literally said
10 received messages

All from her, I might add. ranging from are you awake (4 times) are you mad at me (twice) then the other 4 I assume were her trying to catch my attention saying to come up and "other things" I wont get into I rang her there at 7:30am when I got breakfast into me. Meeting her tomorrow after work for a talk I'm going up to her place, to call it a day with her. I feel I owe her at least that much to tell her to her face and I reckon that it'll be a bit easier in hers because its an emotional safe place for her.

opinion guy

mercer wrote: »

not all people are there to be saved, that not what relationships are about.
she's a grown woman, she should sort her own problems out.

Indeed - not all people even want to be saved. Perhaps she is prefectly content to remain a clingy person and would resent him trying to 'fix' her

Eve_Dublin

Big Steve wrote: »

Hey Guys. Cheers for all the advice. I woke up this morning and my phone literally said
10 received messages

All from her, I might add. ranging from are you awake (4 times) are you mad at me (twice) then the other 4 I assume were her trying to catch my attention saying to come up and "other things" I wont get into I rang her there at 7:30am when I got breakfast into me. Meeting her tomorrow after work for a talk I'm going up to her place, to call it a day with her. I feel I owe her at least that much to tell her to her face and I reckon that it'll be a bit easier in hers because its an emotional safe place for her.

I think you're doing the right thing. The girl is not well and is in no shape to be in a relationship. I'm glad you're doing it face-to-face instead of a text. Sorry about your situation, OP but it's the wisest decision in the long run.

Gannicus

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing. The girl is not well and is in no shape to be in a relationship. I'm glad you're doing it face-to-face instead of a text. Sorry about your situation, OP but it's the wisest decision in the long run.

Cheers eve. Thinks its for the best.

Well guess its back to the drawing board. ah well..

sam34

Big Steve wrote: »

Cheers eve. Thinks its for the best.

Well guess its back to the drawing board. ah well..

no need for the glum face... you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better off without someone like that in your life

Distorted

Wierd...some couples do constantly text and phone each other though, they like it. I can only assume they don't have very strict jobs, or jobs at all...how on earth you are meant to do anything else with your life when you are constantly texting, I don't know.

Didn't she show any signs of being a bit clingy before you went out with her? Depends what you are looking for in a girlfriend, some guys might even like this but it sounds like you aren't compatible. If she's like this now, imagine what she'll be like in a few months time, or if you have to go away with work, or try to go on holiday with your mates or something!

Gannicus

sam34 wrote: »

no need for the glum face...

I know but I've been single for about 2.5 years now and thought I've finally met somebody.

mood

where to get wrote: »

As stated before, Get out, Get out now!! Whatever about her having trust issues or just needing to be reassured the fact that she isnt even trying to get to know your friends or be involved in any aspect of your life is ringing warning bells in my mind anyway. Speaking as a woman, if any man was like that with me or my friends it would be seen as trying to isolate you from your friends, and thats not healthy in either men or women!! I applaude you for keeping your cool and not looking for a row, but in my opinion, this behaviour is unacceptable and should not be tolerated. On the issue of her getting professional help, while that may benefit her, I do not think it will be possible for her to change her behaviour while in a relationship with you or anybody else. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh though

+1

metrovelvet

You know what. It could be seen as reassurance junkyism and that is fixable. But when you mention a few other things, contextually this behavior looks like control anxiety.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

You know what. It could be seen as reassurance junkyism and that is fixable. But when you mention a few other things, contextually this behavior looks like control anxiety.

Sorry, is control anxiety a diagnosed condition
I love these american expressions, that no one knows anything about.

But I digress.

OP, she is insecure. She obviously has issues with trust, long before you ever came along. So you have to decide that you want to help her with these issues and move both of you on from it, or you move on yourself, without her.

Texting can be addictive...at the start of the relationship, did you reciprocate every text?? My guess is you did..at the start, was it this constant texting, but you have now backed off..and she hasn't???

She didn't text from the start every two minutes, because she was getting no reply??? She was getting a response. And now she's not, and she has not learned how to break the habit. Teach her, OP.

SallySweet

OP I should strongly suggest you tell her exactly why you are finsihing it. You would be doing her a big favour by telling her so she can learn / decide to amend her ways for the future.

Moomoo1

Distorted wrote: »

Wierd...some couples do constantly text and phone each other though, they like it. I can only assume they don't have very strict jobs, or jobs at all...how on earth you are meant to do anything else with your life when you are constantly texting, I don't know.

most people sleep for 8 hours and work or 8 hours... you can fit a LOT of texting and calling into what remains...

it's all about compatibility, as you say.

opinion guy

Moomoo1 wrote: »

most people sleep for 8 hours and work or 8 hours... you can fit a LOT of texting and calling into what remains...

it's all about compatibility, as you say.

Most people have more to do all day apart from texting you know

Moomoo1

opinion guy wrote: »

Most people have more to do all day apart from texting you know

Yes, I do know. I was just pointing out that couples who are in touch like that all the time will still have time for a normal job and a normal life. The problem happens when one partner wants more contact than the other: the partner who wants less contact will feel claustrophobic (=you send me too many texts) and the partner who wants more will feel unappreciated (=you never reply to my texts).

What I always point out in situations like this is that the partners/couples who want more contact are not abnormal: just have different preferences.

opinion guy

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Yes, I do know. I was just pointing out that couples who are in touch like that all the time will still have time for a normal job and a normal life. The problem happens when one partner wants more contact than the other: the partner who wants less contact will feel claustrophobic (=you send me too many texts) and the partner who wants more will feel unappreciated (=you never reply to my texts).

What I always point out in situations like this is that the partners/couples who want more contact are not abnormal: just have different preferences.

Eh fair enough to a point. But there is a line where things become abnormal. This girl appears to have crossed the line.

LegacyUser

Big Steve wrote: »

I did i told her that I do really like her and I want to be with her in a proper relationship. Like I invite her to join me when I'm going with my friends to football or on a night out but she says no because there's a load of people there. I even ask if I can bring a mate when she asks me to come out with her friends. Its a no too. she has not met one of my friends I really do try to keep it as mature as possible and I don't lose me cool. nice calm supportive voice. I'm not looking for a row.

This paints a different picture entirely, IMO. I think you are right to call it a day with her. Trying to "fix her" as other posters have said may be a bad idea (I apologize if I am miss quoting anyone). But this kind of relationship can be very toxic. As I said in my initial post, I went through a similar situation but she was more then willing to meet my friends and for them to meet hers etc.. texting so frequently for some people is because of the excitement of being in a relationship and all that.

You clearly are a very sound guy and you really have gone out of your way to reassure her that you care but she has not reciprocated the same level of understanding to you or even acknowledged her behaviour.

Big Steve wrote: »

Hey Guys. Cheers for all the advice. I woke up this morning and my phone literally said 10 received messages

All from her, I might add. ranging from are you awake (4 times) are you mad at me (twice) then the other 4 I assume were her trying to catch my attention saying to come up and "other things" I wont get into I rang her there at 7:30am when I got breakfast into me.

From this it clearly shows you have the patience of a saint. I realise that the term "bunny boiler" has been thrown around a lot in different posts in this thread and to be fair I think that term is a little harsh but the meaning behind it isn't! I think everyone (men and women) have gone through this type of relationship at some point in their lives and in one sense it is a rite of passage I suppose.... I wouldn't get to down over it anyways as there are plenty of more fish in the sea as they say. My only word of caution is that when you do end it you should try to explain it clearly to her in as nice a way as possible and be prepared for the water works and a for a few more texts and missed calls as people who are clingy like this tend to do this.

Best of luck with it OP.

opinion guy

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I'm a bit late to this thread and totally understand you w nting to end it. However, I do feel sorry for this woman. She is completely OTT and obviously so insecure she can't help herself and her fear of you ignoring her is ultimately what pushed you away by her crazy over-texting.

It's a shame if everything else is really good though.

I hope you do take the time to sit her down and explain why you are ending it.

No, you shouldnt be expected to fix her, but I dunno, maybe have a serious chat and tell her that when you dont reply it doesnt mean you are going off her.

I'm too soft I suppose... I just think she is going to kick herself for a long time over this.

Maybe she will kick herself. But hopefully she will learn. Such is life.

Moomoo1

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm too soft I suppose... I just think she is going to kick herself for a long time over this.

it depends. She may just say 'well, he says that but in reality he used me for sex and dumped me when he had enough' and find someone else.

For her sake, I hope it's someone who likes to text a lot.

I do feel sorry for the OP though.

Gannicus

well guys and girls. you'll be glad or sad to know I went through with it and ended things. She wouldn't even accept that. I physically had to use the call barring on me phone to stop her number from calling and texting my phone. Glad I got it over with. I went over to house the other night after work and just told her straight out that her behaviour was ridiculous and it was forcing me to actually ignore her. I also told her that her unwillingness to come out with me and my friends and/or let one of my friends tag along when I'm going out with her mates was just, for lack of a better term, unacceptable.

Told her it just wasn't going to work and it was over. I feel bad because she cried and I didn't hang around. Like may other guys out there I am like a dear in headlights when a woman starts to cry.

CHEERS FOR ALL THE HELP AND ADVICE YOU ALL GAVE ME

Silverfish

I think you did the right thing. It'll be tough for a while, but she will get over it.

It most likely was not going to get any better.

Gannicus

Thats what I was thinking and lot of others saying on the thread.

WindSock

Hopefully she has learned something from it. Be glad you left now and not when she is pricking holes in the condoms....

seenitall

Big Steve wrote: »

well guys and girls. you'll be glad or sad to know I went through with it and ended things. She wouldn't even accept that. I physically had to use the call barring on me phone to stop her number from calling and texting my phone. Glad I got it over with. I went over to house the other night after work and just told her straight out that her behaviour was ridiculous and it was forcing me to actually ignore her. I also told her that her unwillingness to come out with me and my friends and/or let one of my friends tag along when I'm going out with her mates was just, for lack of a better term, unacceptable.

Told her it just wasn't going to work and it was over. I feel bad because she cried and I didn't hang around. Like may other guys out there I am like a dear in headlights when a woman starts to cry.

CHEERS FOR ALL THE HELP AND ADVICE YOU ALL GAVE ME

I like to read of a break-up handled in such a mature fashion (from your side, obviously). Well done on that and best of luck for the future.