Is Friends with Benifits ever a good idea?

LegacyUser · 13-08-2010 1:00pm #1

I am a pretty sociable mid twenties girl. I have a large group of friends both guys and girls. One of these guys has been a close mate forever, in the past we shared a house. We still see each other all the time, we have lots of the same friends etc. In the 8 years we have known each other I don't think we've even looked sideways at one another, we often crashed out in the same bed and didn't even noticed, sex was just a non-issue.

To my utter amazement this has changed and we've ended up fooling around a couple of times, this has only happened in the last six months, no-one knows about it, it happens at his instigation though I am a wiling participant and it only ever happens when we are both super drunk.

Never before have I had any kind of friends with benefits situation - but I suppose it would be something like that. I have surprised myself by not freaking out about it... but then again perhaps I've not really thought it through. We recently kicked things up a notch so I need to think about this and make some sort of decision.

Do I draw a line in the sand and make sure this never happens again or do I just sleep with him and screw the consequences - must there always even be consequences?

I have read lots of stuff about friends with benefits, how it is such a bad idea, the girl always gets hurt etc etc. I don't have any personal experience but I haven't started dreaming of roses and candlelight dinner.

I want to know if it is possible for two, very very close friends who already share a close emotional, albeit platonic bond, to embark on a friends with benefits arrangement without it ultimately destroying the friendship? Can you ever go back to what you had? Is it already too late to go back? He is very important to me and I don't want to destroy our friendship.

Miss Fluff · 13-08-2010 1:32pm

Bestmates wrote: »

I want to know if it is possible for two, very very close friends who already share a close emotional, albeit platonic bond, to embark on a friends with benefits arrangement without it ultimately destroying the friendship? Can you ever go back to what you had? Is it already too late to go back? He is very important to me and I don't want to destroy our friendship.

Yes, it is entirely possible to have a great time and lots of fun and for it not to effect your friendship. For a couple of years myself and a friend often met up for drinks and ended up scoring and we are still great friends (he moved to the other side of the world a couple of years ago). I never was "mad about" him. In fact I didn't even look at him in that way tbh but we always had lots of fun in and out of bed and its a time I look back on fondly, as does he. I say go for it and stop over-thinking it.:)

AnonoBoy · 13-08-2010 1:33pm

Bestmates wrote: »

I want to know if it is possible for two, very very close friends who already share a close emotional, albeit platonic bond, to embark on a friends with benefits arrangement without it ultimately destroying the friendship? Can you ever go back to what you had? Is it already too late to go back? He is very important to me and I don't want to destroy our friendship.

It changes the relationship. It's very hard to go back to just being friends with someone that you've been having sex with. Not saying it can't happen but when sex is involved on a regular basis, feelings start growing in a lot of cases. And when those feelings are only on one side, people get hurt.

Note that in Miss Fluff's example above the other person moved out of the country afterwards - it's very easy to be amicable with someone you don't see too often.

13-08-2010 7:16pm

Ask yourself honestly: could you ever have proper romantic feelings for him?
If you can stay emotionally detached then it's totally possible. If you might, even might get attached, then save yourself the grief.

S23 · 13-08-2010 9:57pm

It can be but when someone has to start asking the question to strangers I think there is enough element of doubt to make me wonder if they are really able for it.

Some people just can't hack it. Have a good long think about it before you get into it. If its good I'm sure it will be fabulous but it has the potential to get messy and hurtful for one or both parties

LegacyUser · 14-08-2010 6:15pm

I was in a similar situation with a very good friend of mine. He had just come out of a long term relationship & I'd just been hurt by someone. Like a complete idiot I thought what's the harm, we agreed it wouldn't affect our friendship. It did, we no longer speak to each other. If he is a good friend & you don't want to lose your friendship it's not worth it.

magneticimpulse · 15-08-2010 4:29am

AWFUL IDEA!!! Bad thing 100%, dont go down that road. Friends with benefits is a cop out. The guy usually prefers some other woman and your just playing 2nd fiddle. He would never actually find you attractive enought to go out with you so you do as just a shag. Do you really want to lower yourself to that level? Forget him completely and get a real man

Miss Fluff · 15-08-2010 4:58am

magneticimpulse wrote: »

AWFUL IDEA!!! Bad thing 100%, dont go down that road. Friends with benefits is a cop out. The guy usually prefers some other woman and your just playing 2nd fiddle. He would never actually find you attractive enought to go out with you so you do as just a shag. Do you really want to lower yourself to that level? Forget him completely and get a real man

Generalising much?

To use such sweeping statements is bizarre. Not every FWB is like that illustrated above. I personally don't like ONSs/the thought of shagging some randomer, and a FWB situation is excellent if you want good regular sex with someone decent but don't want to get tied down or involved with the other person. I know it may seem like a totally insane proposition to some people but women really enjoy sex too. And we don't fall in love and imagine 2.4 children and a volvo estate with the other person every time we engage in sexual activity.

And in answer to AnonoBoy re me only being able to maintain a friendship that I had with a guy because he moved abroad is also massively assumptive. Why is it so impossible to grasp that a FWB can be just that, with neither party wanting to get involved? Why does there have to be this issue?

OP my advice still stands. If you have no interest in the guy romantically nor he you, then go for it and have a blast.

sam34 · 15-08-2010 7:20am

FWBs works very well if, and only if, both parties are completely honest at the start when they say they want sex and nothing more, and if both remain honest throughout and own up & end it if they start to develop feelings.

if one person goes into it secretely liking the other person and thinking the regular sex will lead to them magically falling on love, they will be very very hurt.

but if both are honest as above, then it can be a brilliant arrangement.

Zen65 · 15-08-2010 3:49pm

sam34 wrote: »

FWBs works very well if, and only if, both parties are completely honest at the start when they say they want sex and nothing more, and if both remain honest throughout and own up & end it if they start to develop feelings.

Hands up, I have no experience of a FWB situation, so my advice is just theoretical. What Sam34 says above makes sense, but it's a tall order. The reality is that the "ongoing drama of shared experiences" (*) makes it harder to maintain a level of dispassionate platonic friendship, and sooner or later one or other friend may find the FWB arrangement is hindering them from finding another partner.

What struck me is the language you used in writing about this friend of yours. It is not dispassionate at all. This man seems already to mean a lot to you, and I wonder how honest you are being with yourself to suggest that you would not want anything more from the relationship?

As I said, I'm not experienced on the matter of FWB's, and really only you know if you can make this arrangement work in a way that does not hurt either of you in the long run.

Be at peace,

Z

(*) a great phrase coined by Tim Minchin

fits · 15-08-2010 5:10pm

I think it would be very difficult to make it work where a good friendship exists already. Thats my own thinking on it.

Personally, I do think FWB can work, for a limited period of time as long as both parties are honest with themselves and each other.

Fittle · 15-08-2010 5:38pm

There are two rules in FWB's.

1. If one person in the friendship wants more, forget it.
2. If both people are honest with each other (which in almost 99% of cases, doesnt happen), then it can work.

Sex works differently for men than for women. Women get a more of an emotional connection from sex, men don't. That's just human nature, and there's nothing we can do about it.

In my 20's, I had a few of those fwb's situations. In every one of them, I maintained that when I didn't have feelings for the man, it was a great situation (although I found out later that they had feelings for me).. But in the other ones, where I did have feelings, I got hurt alot.

Somebody, somewhere in fwb situations gets hurt. Unless it only happens once or twice. Someone wants more sex because they think it will lead to more feelings and consequently, a relationship.

In this situation OP, you sound like the one who has been able to disconnect from the emotional stuff. I bet your guy is mad about you tho.

I dont think they can work, but that's just from my own personal experience.

The Sweeper · 15-08-2010 5:58pm

Hmmm you have to be careful about a couple of things - romantic entanglement is just one of them.

Picture it - you're a FWB on Thursday night, on Friday night he scores a different girl, and on Sunday afternoon he's back over at yours for the FWB perk. There's the question of safe sex (an important element - sometimes you can forget the need for safety because you're friends) and there's the question of how comfortable you'd be being a FWB with your friend still sleeping with other people in between.

Worst case scenario I've seen, FWBs doing their thing and one or other of them starts a relationship with a third party and then continues to return to the FWB for sex. Not good.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2010 7:48pm

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate each of you taking the time to leave me some advice, you have given me a lot to think about and I understand that this is essentially a risky business.

I have zero personal experience in this area, prior to this I would never ever even consider engaging in a friends with benefits arrangement and I am surprised that I have let this develop at all. In short I am very close to this man, he is a particularly good friend and if we damaged our friendship because of what amounts to convenient physical intimacy I would be extremely upset.

All that having been said - we have already been quite intimate, the world hasn't caved in, we are still good friends and I am certainly not entertaining thoughts of a relationship etc I don't expect he is either.

Sorry to ask yet another question - but as anyone actually ever had a FWB with a very close friend in which both parties have been honest, the FWB element has been great, it has run its course and then, most importantly, your friendship has survived without incurring any long-term damage?

fits · 15-08-2010 8:51pm

umm.. hate to state the obvious here, but if you're *very* close friends, and you fancy each other. Why dont you just make a proper go of it?

Fittle · 16-08-2010 7:59am

I echo what the person above just said. You fancy him enough to get intimate with him, so theres a physical attraction. He is your very best friend and you don't want to lose that. What exactly is missing? Why don't you just have a relationship with the guy

'Sorry to ask yet another question - but as anyone actually ever had a FWB with a very close friend in which both parties have been honest, the FWB element has been great, it has run its course and then, most importantly, your friendship has survived without incurring any long-term damage?'

That would be a definitive, NO, the friendship did not survive!

LegacyUser · 16-08-2010 10:18am

Hey Op,

I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years back. A very close male friend lived next door and we had previously lived together. We had a large group of mutual friends and ended up kissing one night after a few drinks. We kept it casual for about six months, literally just friends with benefits. It developed into sex I guess after two or three months. We were always very honest with each other, and when I started to develop feelings for him I told him. It scared him off a bit, it was just something neither of us saw coming. However, when we stopped messing around and decided to just be friends, it was him who came to me saying that he missed me and realised that what we had, had developed into much more than anticipated.

We were very much in love for four years afterwards but even after ending it, our friendship has survived....

Go for it, take it easy and if it develops into something more be completely honest with one another. If the friendship is that great and strong then it will definately survive whatever the outcome!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser · 17-08-2010 9:59pm

I had the fwb situation once upon a time. We never explicitly said that FWB's is what we were, but basically we used to just meet up and **** each others brains out... so... that was pretty much what it was, i guess.

I had a great time at the time and so did she... but we weren't meeting up that often and in the meantime I met someone I was quite keen on and I had to call it a day on the FWB.

I don't necessarily agree with the idea that 'someone always gets hurt'... we had an amicable parting but the funny thing is that this took place several years ago over the course of about 4/5 months, and I am now in a very happy and loving relationship, yet I still think about her all the time.

Then about a year ago she was in town and she looked me up and I happened to be out working in town that night at a gig and she called up to see me.. with her new FB! That stung me a lot, even though I was (and still am) in love with my current GF.

Weird.

I don't think I would do FWB's again, cause I wouldn't like to double that weirdness and carry more of it through life but I am glad I had the opportunity to it at the time.

Perhaps why I reminisce on this episode so regularly is more to do with the fact that I was at a very carefree and happy stage in life with no stupid mortgage or recession and this was a central part of it. I'll dunno. Sorry about the rambling post, it might give you a little insight though!

She was hot too.

LegacyUser · 18-08-2010 1:40am

Watch out.

I once had sex with a close friend while we were both extremely drunk. Afterwards, we both felt like because of our friendship and the idea that we were both at least "sort of" attracted to each other it must mean more. So we sort of forced it, went on a few dates, our texts to each other changed in tone, etc. Eventually I cracked and told him it wasn't going to work and that we were better as friends. I won't lie, he was furious for a few months and it was weird for a few more, but we've powered through and retained our friendship. Woud I do it again? Definitely not.

Second thing I would say is, imagine this. So far, everytime your group of friends has been out together it has led to this innocent fooling around between you two. BUT what would you feel like if, next time there was such a group night out, and your potential FWB hooked up with some hot girl in the club ye all went to, how would you feel? Would it be a "meh, good for him, where are the hot guys?" kind of feeling? Or would you feel at least a bit insulted, like, he knows we would probably have ended up fooling around or even more tonight, judging from past nights, so why did he go for this other girl? If it bothers you that he scored someone that wasn't you, when you were right there and available, then STAY AWAY and don't do it. If you aren't bothered that you're right there in front of him and he still chose to score some other girl, then you're a better woman than me and go for it.

Is Friends with Benifits ever a good idea?

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