Rebuilding after her affair - Possible?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'll try not to go into too much detail, but basically myself and my girlfriend of 6 years have decided to try to make things work after her having an affair. This was an ongoing thing, that originally started online about 4 months ago, leading to her travelling to another country in secret to "innocently" meet him/others, then eventually flying him here for sex (very soon) after we broke up a few weeks later.

Things were far from good in the months leading up: We fought constantly, were not intimate anymore, and spent very little time together because of my work constraints (and the fact that she had none) and she spent a lot of time online gaming all night (you can probably guess which one: score one more relationship claimed by it!) and talking to people/making online friends. This guy became a crutch for her when she was lonely and I was not around, and the whole online world was an escapism from an otherwise mundane real-world existence. She has rationalised what happened with this logic, although I know it's generally BS... she should've come to me first.

We are quite young (23/24) but had everything planned out for our lives. Even though we were "broken up" when she did what she did, I took it just as hard because from where Im sitting the long term motives were fairly clear and related, and we were still in daily contact. She concealed the whole thing again while telling me she was confused about what she wanted.

However, she has since said that she's willing to commit to me, and is deeply regretful. She is willing to cast off everything associated with this infidelity (game, contact with him etc) but this will take time as she has an addiction to it. I know this won't fly, and she needs to give it up cold turkey. She wants to go to counselling and get back what we had, with as much effort from both of us as it takes.

My question is: Can it ever be the same? I'm deeply deeply scarred by what happened as it's all very fresh, so I don't know if my (our?) wilingness to do the "necessary" is out of shock, upset, nostalgia, or something equally as judgement-clouding. I'm researching couples counselling today, but should I wait a while, or should we dive right in? And is it possible to rebuild completely? I guess I know the answer is that it is and we can strengthen, but what kind of foundations need to be put in place early-on?

Nody

For starters she needs to start those counselling sessions on gambling and find out what drove her there and why. She also needs to ban herself from any and all gambling; even when she gets offers of "free 20 EUR if you return" etc. One way of doing this would be to add up how much money she's spent on gambling to make her realize the cost of it.

As for escaping online; I honestly would believe her on that one. I've had the same with my current gf (not all the way to infidelity though) when she was unemployed and used it as escape mechanism. Keep in mind you said yourself that you where doing long hours as well so you will need to help here if you want to change that. You need to plan times out with her and talk with her instead of coming home, throwing up your feet and say "I'm to tired to talk" and expect her to come to you all the time.

As for starting over; possible? Of course; it will not be as solid ground as before and you may hold resentment to her as well (which you need to work on) but couple counselling is obviously a good start.

LegacyUser

Thanks Nody...

Apologies, I probably wasn't as clear as I could've been. The "game" in question is World of Warcraft, not gambling. Aside from the addiction to the game itself, it actually becomes an addiction to the "friendships" with other players that those addicted develop. The crazy thing is she's anything but your typical WoW player cliché. She's gorgeous and fun. The whole thing is fairly mad.

We also live with our respective parents, so time apart is all the more possible than if we were forced to live under the one roof. It got to a point where we were only seeing each other 1-2 times per week, arguing most of it. We have talked about getting a place of our own being one of the main pre-requisites for making positive progress should we commit to this.

Nody

WoW addiction is nothing to sneeze about (I should know since I got addicted to Everquest which was even worse meat grinder for you to level in and building relationships) and is far from unheard of. Simply set up the account with parent control (it limits the hours she can play per week) if she insists on playing on and set fixed days to meet.

The thing is though once you leave WoW/EQ/<insert online game> you realize that the only thing you really shared was the game with most of the people. The once beyond that who are friends (and yes, I've meet around 15 people who I only knew in game before hand and still maintain contact with from EQ alone) are just that, friends. Those people she can maintain contact with out playing with and go of do other things with

Taltos

Personally I would have packed her bags already and told her to shuffle off to her new best friend.

What gets me is the deceit - the lying and now the rationalization. She is "ready" to commit to you? WHAT?
Yes you were not together - so that makes it better. But what about next time she is bored or out of work.

Only you know if you will ever be able to trust her again.
But the level of deceit here screams to me of someone that thinks quite differently to me, someone I would not be able to trust again, not ever.

But that is me. You are both really young - both still changing.
Maybe take a long break from each other - try to figure out who you both are and what (who) you want. In the meantime - I would need to see her taking full responsibility. But if you do move forwards you cannot rake this back up, not ever...

Moomoo1

I'd be wary about the lying too. If she had said 'I am leaving you for this guy I met online' that's one thing, but she didn't...

and don't blame the online games. There are millions of people out there who play online games, lots of people who are addicted to them, and the vast majority do not cheat on their partners with the people they've met through them. The game was just a facilitator (I think that's the right word here).

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

What gets me is the deceit - the lying and now the rationalization

That's what gets me too. It's like talking to a junkie though. She just doesn't get how hurtful it was that she developed this emotional relationship with someone instead of with me. I can't play the victim 100% though - and I'm not making excuses for her for a second, it was despicable - but I wasn't hands clean in this either. Something was obviously very wrong. I didn't bother for large stretches of the past 6 months.

Taltos wrote: »

She is "ready" to commit to you? WHAT?

Well those were my words for her outlook as I perceive it now. She didn't actually say "I am ready to commit" etc. She just says she loves me very much, and still wants to spend her life with me, and wants to do anything that is necessary.

Taltos wrote: »

Yes you were not together - so that makes it better. But what about next time she is bored or out of work.

She maintains that before things got so deplorably bad (and they really were), she saw no-one but me, ever. I dont know what to think regarding the "next time". All I can gamble is that we learn from this and never stop working on us, which we never really bothered with before.

Taltos wrote: »

Only you know if you will ever be able to trust her again.
But the level of deceit here screams to me of someone that thinks quite differently to me, someone I would not be able to trust again, not ever.

I hear ya. Loud n clear. I want to be with her, but I don't know if it'll ever be the same, if I can touch her, love her like I did, and most importantly trust her. I feel as if I need massive gestures of devotion (as potentially greedy as that sounds) not just for my confidence and self-respect, but to prove to me that she's actually for real.

Taltos wrote: »

Maybe take a long break from each other - try to figure out who you both are and what (who) you want. In the meantime - I would need to see her taking full responsibility. But if you do move forwards you cannot rake this back up, not ever...

This is the crux of it. Do we seperate n hope that we find our way back to each other once she (we) know what we want? Or do we hammer this out now before resentment and hate takes over? I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm scared she'll go back to him if I leave her on her own to figure it out (she is in a very bad place mentally, and needs someone) but at the same time I don't know if I can even commit now to her going forward. I know this fear is no way to be living though, and that she needs to have him there, available, and then consciously choose me instead. I also feel like I shouldn't suggest a single thing that she needs to do to prove it to me - That this needs to come from her.

Feel free to re-allign my thinking y'all.

Zeouterlimits

Got to agree with MooMoo, addiction to WoW is one thing, going off and having an affair is completely different.

If she breaks the WoW addiction, that shows she understands the problem and is moving past it, but how does really help the fact she had an affair?

Ask yourself: Do you believe her?

Cheap Thrills!

solitary_half wrote: »

She concealed the whole thing again while telling me she was confused about what she wanted.

Ah, classic. She was 'confused' :rolleyes:

Translation, waiting to see if she could get him, stringing you along as a backup in the meantime.

solitary_half wrote: »

However, she has since said that she's willing to commit to me, and is deeply regretful.

Translation - he dumped her.

solitary_half wrote: »

She is willing to cast off everything associated with this infidelity (game, contact with him etc) but this will take time as she has an addiction to it.

Translation -She wants to keep her options open, hoping maybe he will change his mind.

Run. A. Mile.

Once a liar and cheat, always a liar and cheat. She is not marriage material.

Taltos

solitary_half wrote: »

I want to be with her, but I don't know if it'll ever be the same, if I can touch her, love her like I did, and most importantly trust her. I feel as if I need massive gestures of devotion (as potentially greedy as that sounds) not just for my confidence and self-respect, but to prove to me that she's actually for real.

Look - it will NEVER be the same.
The same is what got you both here...

It needs to be different. But for me - emotional cheating - lying - deceit - manipulation - yes manipulation as look at what you wrote - you are taking alot of the blame here.
Doubtless you had a part to play - but you did not arrange to meet - you did not have sex with another person.

I mean - where the hell was the talking - where was the - hey John I am desperately lonely - so lonely I want to meet up with a guy I have fallen for to have sex, and to do that lets break up so I am not cheating on you.

As I said - if it was me - with all you have written and your age - I would be going "thank gawd I found out now instead of 3 kids and 2 mortgages down the line when the milkman claims the 2nd baby is his..."

ncmc

OP I really feel for you, what a terrible thing to happen. I think you are trying to talk yourself into wanting to take her back. No doubt you are mourning the loss of the future you imagined with her. It's very easy to have rosy visons of marraige and kids and living happily ever after, but she has shattered that dream by having an affair. Even if you do stay together, you're relationship has been changed forever.

I don't understand what you are getting out of this relationship. It sounds like she is getting more out of it than you, because it sounds like she has very little else in her life. You talk about how bad things were for 6 months previous to the cheating, her first reaction to hitting a rough patch was to go out and cheat on you, who's to say she won't do this again the next time you have a rough patch.

Only you know the effect that unemployment and WOW had on her. Maybe if she was working and had a bit more going on in her life, things would improve. You mentioned that she talked to no-one but you, does she not have friends, aquaintences and hobbies? Unemployment is tough, but it's made tougher by locking yourself away and emmersing yourself in a fantasy world. None of us know you're GF so we can't make a judgement, but from what you've said, it sounds like this relationship is more trouble than it's worth.

You need to decide if you want to be with your GF the person or is it that you don't want to let go of the dreams you had of your future together.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

When a man has an affair it's generally lust fuelled, when a woman has an affair there's generally an emotional link - meaning the woman's affair is more serious, shes thinking with her heart or her head, the man is thinking with his trousers!

LegacyUser

Hi OP. You sound like a lovely thoughtful guy.

Two thoughts for you -

1) She didn't cheat on you. You had broken up when she had sex with the other man, you said that twice. And she didn't 'secretly' fly to meet friends - you were broken up, it was her business. And she didn't 'conceal' it again while telling you she was confused - again it was her business not yours since you were broken up. And of course she was confused, you were together a long time and she still cared for you. I don't see what she did wrong, only that she acted as if she were split up from you while you still felt that you belonged to each other. OP, you WERE split up. So give her a break on all that. And if you do want to get back together, do dive in now. Don't wait for attitudes to harden and distance to grow.

2) If you're 23/24 and going out 6 years, then you were both very young getting together. I think it would be very unusual for a relationship that started when you were that young to last through your twenties or further. People change and grow too much. Anyway, it sounds to me like the relationship had run its course before this happened - "We fought constantly, were not intimate anymore, and spent very little time together ". You miss the relationship, of course you do. But maybe it's time for a full break. Be on your own for a while and learn what it's like to live as an independent adult - you could really enjoy it! :-)

ncmc

1) She didn't cheat on you. You had broken up when she had sex with the other man, you said that twice. And she didn't 'secretly' fly to meet friends - you were broken up, it was her business. And she didn't 'conceal' it again while telling you she was confused - again it was her business not yours since you were broken up.

The way I read the OP, she was meeting up with him in secret for months before they split. They only had sex after they broke up, but the OP said they had a full on emotional relationship for months. Surely hiding that kind of relationship for months and secretly flying to meet him (while she was with the OP) is cheating of a sort? It's certainly a lie by ommission and while it may not have been sexual, it certainly suggests that the OP's GF was lying to him and concealing things from him.

Wibbs

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Ah, classic. She was 'confused' :rolleyes:

yep one of the classics. TBH the very second I hear the confused word I let the door hit their arse on the way out of my life. I've fallen for it in the past and have seen others do so, but 99 times outa 100 it's BS and very very rarely ends well. I would advise any man or woman that asked about this to not buy into it.

It's either a translation of "I don't know what I want(because I'm emotionally daft") Or as CT wrote:

Translation, waiting to see if she could get him, stringing you along as a backup in the meantime.

Keeping options open.

Translation - he dumped her.

That would be my suspicion too TBH. Again from experience, a lot of the time in these situations, the ones who do this come back, because either the new person doesnt quite match up or the new person scraped them off. The latter is more likely the longer the behind the scenes dalliance has been in play. I can accpet and indeed forgive a one off moment of madness, we all have them in different ways, but a long term thing? Nope.

Translation -She wants to keep her options open, hoping maybe he will change his mind.

Quite possible. If she wanted to actually draw a line under this then she would stop playing the game or change to another one.

Once a liar and cheat, always a liar and cheat.

I dunno about that. People can and do change, especially as they grow. You're way more likely to get this guff from a 20 year old than from a 30 year old. I would be concerned that its not out of her system though.

ncmc wrote: »

The way I read the OP, she was meeting up with him in secret for months before they split. They only had sex after they broke up, but the OP said they had a full on emotional relationship for months. Surely hiding that kind of relationship for months and secretly flying to meet him (while she was with the OP) is cheating of a sort? It's certainly a lie by ommission and while it may not have been sexual, it certainly suggests that the OP's GF was lying to him and concealing things from him.

+1. If she had met someone new 10 minutes after they split and 20 mins after that she had her legs in the air screaming "Wahayyy!", then while not exactly the classiest with the corpse not yet cold, it would not have been cheating or anything like it.

She had contact, emotional contact and planned further sexual contact while the current partner was in play and that folks is cheating and no mistake.

Now on the other side... You dropped the ball on this one. While it is nice to think that people will wait for more emotional support, in reality many won't and may start to feel and look around at options. Cue this other bloke, "being there" for her and you not spotting the very obvious signs she was drifting away. Fighting without resolution and nookie time going south are about the biggest red flags you could get as a man. I say as a man, because men are often real dopes when it comes to this stuff. They rely on the "but she loves me" as a cure all and an explanation and neglect the underlying whys of what is going on. They rely on the notion that the status quo will remain. Not a good plan. You may not be questioning the relationship, but as a general rule women question their relationships a lot more than men. That's why you hear men come out with "but...but it was all outa the blue!!". It rarely, very rarely is. It's a good lesson learned though and knowing it and acting on it if it happens again will help you in your relationships, with either this woman or another.

diverdad

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

Got to agree with MooMoo, addiction to WoW is one thing, going off and having an affair is completely different.

If she breaks the WoW addiction, that shows she understands the problem and is moving past it, but how does really help the fact she had an affair?

Ask yourself: Do you believe her?

How does an addiction to online gaming go all the way to lying back with her legs open?
If it was a drink or drugs addiction and it happened while off her face on a binge there might be some leeway, depending on the depth of addiction and how far removed from reality she was.
Every time she logged off the game she had had her fix. Until the next time. This is totally different to discussing aspects and tactics of gaming online with fellow players.
She actually screwed another guy and blamed it on a WoW game!!

My advice would be to get rid of her now. Don't, as another poster wrote, wait until you have joint property and there may be kids in the mix too.

StarryMoon0

Its funny how we come on here, looking for help form total strangers.
Yes, its nice to get a perspective from someone "outside", but to the OP, are you going to let others decide your life for you?

Internet / gaming addiction is very real. You get a buzz from it, it feels good, and when things in your life are not so good, you seek it out to feel better.

Do you love her enough to work through things? If so, get your @ss off here and get to couple counselling. SHe says she wants to go to counselling for her? WOW, encourage that, drive her to the danged appt man! Most addicts won't see/admit to the addiction, never mind suggest they seek help. That my friend is amazing, and is a very bright ray of sunshine.
She needs to stop ALL online activity, and as with any addiction, will suffer withdrawel and will need help.

This attitude of once a liar... doesn't cut it with me. Obviously things weren't good, things got out of hand in her "fantasy" life, and she covered herself with lies. Most of us do. Its only when she hit her "bottom" that she was able to see things and admit to it.

Maybe you can't make a go of it, maybe you can. ARe you willing to put in 50% of the work (she has to do the other 50)?

Good luck to you. Dealing with this type of addiction is hard, because others don't see it as an addiction because its not "real". She's not out buying drugs, or drinking, but it just as evil. An addiction is "being unable to stop a behaviour despite the fact that is has bad consequenses". Its easy to say she choose to do it, yes, in a way she did, but she's fighting a huge battle of wanting the flood of endorphins in her brain which feels good.

If ya want some more detailed insight, PM me.

StarryMoon0

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

Got to agree with MooMoo, addiction to WoW is one thing, going off and having an affair is completely different.

If she breaks the WoW addiction, that shows she understands the problem and is moving past it, but how does really help the fact she had an affair?

Ask yourself: Do you believe her?

Another perspective is that her going offline is simply an extention of the game. Its part of the "fantasy".
There is no excuse, she did what she did, and nothing will change that, however, the question is, if she wasn't in an "altered state of mind" would she have done what she did? If their relationship was great and had open comunication would she have needed this fantasy as a crutch?
Speaking with someone online can get very intense very quicly. When you are lacking intamacy in a relationship (not sex, but a connection) and you have someone to talk with and tell them about your problems, they can find a connection, and it is mistaken for intamacy.

LegacyUser

OP - she is a fast fast worker, you only broke up and she's lined up some sex with person from another country, generally plays too much on WoW doesnt still fully grasp the hurt she caused and now its all unravelled she is ready to commit to you
I call BullSh*t,

I'd be hopping mad ifI was you, not tucking my manhood away

I'd show her and her lies the door and I'd do it pretty quickly
You deserved better than how she treated you and you still do
Dump her and get some self respect

Distorted

There are plenty of women out there who don't do this sort of thing. I think behaving like this at a relatively young age isn't a good sign for the future. What has happened to change her, other than her giving you platitudes because she wants to get back together with you (having discovered that the grass isn't greener)? Does she have employment now? (how did she pay for the foreign travel when she wasn't working anyway?).

No doubt it wasn't ALL her fault, but she does seem to have an addictive, secretive personality. When I was that age, I was studying so damned hard to make sure I had a future, and holding down a part-time job, that I wouldn't have had time to do online gaming. I didn't even have time to string along some poor bloke and feel sorry for myself for not getting enough attention. I just got on with doing as well for myself as I could. She doesn't have a great attitude in life. What do you think she's going to be like when she's in her mid thirties/forties>

LegacyUser

(I actually had a long, further-explanatory reply typed yesterday, but it was too tough to rake the thread back up from page 2 because the advice was hurting me, as much as I need honest input. Since someone else has though, I might aswell comment now)

Thanks Starry, I very much appreciate the input. I guess it's what I want to hear because it's the easy and safe (deluded?) way to feel; less anguish, very self-protective, but I could get doubly-hurt down the line if I commit now and there's a repeat occurance. Of course my own decision will be the one I pay attention to, but collective wisdom on here is a powerful thing also.

However thanks everyone else too. Honestly. I understand the cons here, very much so. These are the things if anything that will stop me committing again, and the factors I need to weigh before doing so. A number of people are telling me to "run, run now!". Only I know the complete ins and outs though, and just how bad things were.

To clarify:

- ncmc has it right: She met up with the guy and other friends on one occasion, un-announced and in secret, 2 weeks before we broke up, but "nothing happened". She surely knew she was gonna get found out though over the 2 nights before I intervened though? I read somewhere that a huge subconscious motivation behind an affair is to actually get caught n be able to break free of a marriage/relationship. I dunno what truth there is in this.

- We had a holiday with friends booked in the mean time so she was "trapped" from breaking up with me until after we got back. I consider this and the preceeding weeks as the "affair" more than her having sex with him after we broke up (as much as that cuts the legs out from under me every time I think of it). She did conceal the latter though, but said she did it for her, because she was so lonely (friends deserted her too).

- She says it "wasn't exactly enjoyable" and regrets it for what it did to me, but that's all. She does say however that many times during spending time with him she was repeatedly telling herself to "end this, stop this now". I dont know what this means.

- He's besotted with her. Calls/texts every day. She could very much have him if she wanted him. He'd be on a flight in a second if she gave the word, so the rejection factor doesn't apply here. Please excuse my arrogance here but maybe it's because he doesn't stack up to me at all? I'd be confident of my having more in the way of job/intelligence/looks/prospects/sense of humour etc etc. I've a natural advantage though; Im not playing a computer game 12 hours per day. Has she now copped all this? The grass isn't actually greener? That's the really mental thing here, she's actually gorgeous, and not just "eye of beholder" gorgeous. This could have happened back home at any time in the last 4 years, but she never did it. She regularly batted off male attention.


I'm fully aware of the seriousness of a gaming addiction here. It was total escape for her, and this guy became part of her life. I will never make excuses for what she has done because of the game, but it has changed her though, it's scary sometimes. She says the hardest part of all this wont be giving this guy up, it will be giving up WoW. I've suggested that we join a gym for a couple of months in the evenings (which is when she usually plays) and she's gotten a job now, and she was half-agreeable to all this. I told her to replace this with a positive addiction (it's the best I can come up with right now folks, neither of us even need a gym!). I'd like to be that addiction too though, she once was "addicted" to me, and coudln't bear to be away from me.

We have counselling scheduled this week, but I don't even know if I want to attend because things between us are no longer defined. It's called "couples" counselling after all. She keeps saying things like "when you come to your decision on us", referring to me, and "we can move forward", and about improving things and couselling etc. It's only when I emphasise that I really do have a decision to make that she postures and says she does too. I really do love her enough to try get over this, but not at the expense of being crushed in the long run.

So as you can see, it aint a straight kick her to the kerb situation. Or at least not in my mind it's not anyway.

Updated thoughts? Be brutal.

LegacyUser

Distorted:

I actually answered a lot of your questions before I read your reply!

StarryMoon0

"Thanks Starry, I very much appreciate the input. I guess it's what I want to hear because it's the easy and safe (deluded?) way to feel; less anguish, very self-protective, but I could get doubly-hurt down the line if I commit now "


Don't delude yourself, at this point right now you may think its the easy and safe way to feel. Its not, the easy way is to just close the door and walk away. The hard thing to do is to decide to try and work things out, and not bail every time either of you look at each other sideways.

Addiction is vicious. The things I am saying come from inside me, from my experiences, not my percieved notions of what is right or socially acceptable. Things are rarely black and white. I recently found out about my husbands sex addiction. I went insane, kicked him out and wanted to die. After a lot of counselling for myself, and his own counselling, we have decided to give it a go, to see if the marriage will still work. Doing this is not easy, but I do love him, and even if it doesn;t work out, in the end i will know we tried our best, and i can move on and not take my baggage with me.

If you genuinely love her, it breaks my heart to see people say "kick her to the curb". If ou decide to stick with it, you will never have the same relationship you had, however, you can create a new one, and it may even be better. I can say, despite my dep anger, resentment and hurt, my husband and i have actually been talking, really talking the past month and it fills me with hope because I can see that if we stay on this path, down the road we could have a relationship that is amazing, and even better than our original relationship.

Best of luck.

Distorted

wrote:

I'm fully aware of the seriousness of a gaming addiction here. It was total escape for her, and this guy became part of her life. I will never make excuses for what she has done because of the game, but it has changed her though, it's scary sometimes. She says the hardest part of all this wont be giving this guy up, it will be giving up WoW. I've suggested that we join a gym for a couple of months in the evenings (which is when she usually plays) and she's gotten a job now, and she was half-agreeable to all this. I told her to replace this with a positive addiction (it's the best I can come up with right now folks, neither of us even need a gym!). I'd like to be that addiction too though, she once was "addicted" to me, and coudln't bear to be away from me.

Updated thoughts? Be brutal.

I have to say my preference is for people who are self motivated and don't have to have things suggested to them. Join your local running club, expand your circle of acquaintencies and find out how many attractive, motivated, non-addictive, healthy women are out there! She sounds as though she knows exactly how to get you running around after her!

StarryMoon0

Distorted wrote: »

I have to say my preference is for people who are self motivated and don't have to have things suggested to them. Join your local running club, expand your circle of acquaintencies and find out how many attractive, motivated, non-addictive, healthy women are out there! She sounds as though she knows exactly how to get you running around after her!

The great thing about the people on this earth is that we are all different.
Thats fantastic that your prefer self motivated people, honestly. But lets say you had a friend or someone you care deeply for, fall into a miserable little hole in the ground and they are caught and can't see how to get out. Would you walk away from them because you percieve them to be unmotivated to get out, or extend your hand to give them a little help?

Moomoo1

s_h, I am sorry but gaming addiction is a red herring here. Gaming addiction does NOT make you sleep with other people. Only attraction does.

The way I see it, she genuinely liked the guy (and things weren't going well between you), but then she saw that the grass on the other side of the fence weren't greener, that he wasn't a patch on you, and rushed back. That is all, and whilst WoW addiction is a nice explanation it's not relevant here. WoW was just a way for her to meet new people.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

s_h, I am sorry but gaming addiction is a red herring here. Gaming addiction does NOT make you sleep with other people. Only attraction does.

The way I see it, she genuinely liked the guy (and things weren't going well between you), but then she saw that the grass on the other side of the fence weren't greener, that he wasn't a patch on you, and rushed back. That is all, and whilst WoW addiction is a nice explanation it's not relevant here. WoW was just a way for her to meet new people.

Stop calling it "gaming" addiction. It's addiction, full stop. If I could show you what I've seen the last few months would completely re-allign your respect for "gaming" addiction.

That said: No. You're right. It doesn't justify it. She had (has) feelings for this guy, and I accept that. And it happened because I wasn't bothered (I'm not foolishly buying into this, I genuinely believe it). She told me last night he represents "Just fun. He takes me away from all the ****. But it's not real, I know that." Like I said, I think she's like a different person to the one I fell in love with, and you are expecting rational logic from her actions, which shouldn't be done right now. She has an addiction. She never cheated once in 6 years before this.

No excuses though, I'm fully behind you on that, it should've stopped at playing the game excessively. She's completely stepped off this thing with him though, and is back to me talking about doing anything necessary. It's just very tough to ignore.


Starry - I'm so so sorry to hear what you've had to, and are currently going through. Perhaps the fact you are actively going through something similar is why I am gravitating towards your advice, rather than me paying attention to what I want to hear in your posts. What you've said about helping someone you care about out of a hole is very applicable here. I feel she needs me... and that clouds the shit out of your judgement in a situation like this.

LegacyUser

QUOTE:
So as you can see, it aint a straight kick her to the kerb situation. Or at least not in my mind it's not anyway.

Updated thoughts? Be brutal END QUOTE

IMO it is a kick her to the kerb situation, and not a WoW or Facebook or IM or email issue.
She cheated and then came up with she was confused and didnt get even attention

by the way, It wasnt as if the cheating just happened it was planned FFS (a person had to get a plane).

At what stage did she think she should stop it???? was it a) when she was talking to him b) when he was on the plane c) when he was at the door d) when he was in her room
The point is she had multiple opportunities to Stop it but Chose not do.

I've pointed out the tree from the woods cos you cant seem to see any of this.

Personally I think you've already decided what your doing in regard to her and are just looking for justification and congratulations on your decision
Well not from me you wont
You should dump her -> simple.

Taltos

Gaming addiction / sex addiction, gawd bless hollywood in giving us weak humans explanations for why we do bad things, things that hurt those we say we love - but those we go out of our way to hurt.

I am always surprised by the lengths people will go to explain why they did horrible things - and how unbelievably it is not their fault. It is the computer / or it is their partner's fault / or it's the <sigh>

Look OP - don't get rushed into making any decisions. One way or another - take whatever time you need to think through what is best for you.
Your partner has not fallen into a hole, your partner did not fall into a relationship with another bloke - she chose to meet up with him - she arranged when, where, who, a cover story, and now her addiction. It might be real - but it is oh so convenient, how can you possibly be angry with her - how can you possibly hold her to account when right now it is all the fault of her dependency on a computer game.

I don't doubt she needs help - but maybe not for addiction - maybe for depression or for extreme selfishness. Doubtless being out of work laid her low.

Convenient. Manipulative. Take your time - none of us know her - only you do. And we are only going off your notes with our own slanted takes.

Moomoo1

solitary_half wrote: »

Stop calling it "gaming" addiction. It's addiction, full stop. If I could show you what I've seen the last few months would completely re-allign your respect for "gaming" addiction.

That said: No. You're right. It doesn't justify it. She had (has) feelings for this guy, and I accept that. And it happened because I wasn't bothered (I'm not foolishly buying into this, I genuinely believe it). She told me last night he represents "Just fun. He takes me away from all the ****. But it's not real, I know that." Like I said, I think she's like a different person to the one I fell in love with, and you are expecting rational logic from her actions, which shouldn't be done right now. She has an addiction. She never cheated once in 6 years before this.

No excuses though, I'm fully behind you on that, it should've stopped at playing the game excessively. She's completely stepped off this thing with him though, and is back to me talking about doing anything necessary. It's just very tough to ignore.


Starry - I'm so so sorry to hear what you've had to, and are currently going through. Perhaps the fact you are actively going through something similar is why I am gravitating towards your advice, rather than me paying attention to what I want to hear in your posts. What you've said about helping someone you care about out of a hole is very applicable here. I feel she needs me... and that clouds the shit out of your judgement in a situation like this.

I shouldn't have called it gaming addiction. But I spend hours playing those games sometimes (mainly because I feel lonely and aimless in life at the moment), I even found this forum through one. I met people from it once, will do so again, and would never imagine starting an affair with one of them, or to be more exact the likelihood of me starting an affair with someone I met through an online game will be the same as with someone I didn't meet through an online game.

Granted, most games I am part of are played by other men. But I cannot imagine it being different if they weren't.

StarryMoon0

solitary_half wrote: »

Stop calling it "gaming" addiction. It's addiction, full stop. If I could show you what I've seen the last few months would completely re-allign your respect for "gaming" addiction.

That said: No. You're right. It doesn't justify it. She had (has) feelings for this guy, and I accept that. And it happened because I wasn't bothered (I'm not foolishly buying into this, I genuinely believe it). She told me last night he represents "Just fun. He takes me away from all the ****. But it's not real, I know that." Like I said, I think she's like a different person to the one I fell in love with, and you are expecting rational logic from her actions, which shouldn't be done right now. She has an addiction. She never cheated once in 6 years before this.

No excuses though, I'm fully behind you on that, it should've stopped at playing the game excessively. She's completely stepped off this thing with him though, and is back to me talking about doing anything necessary. It's just very tough to ignore.


Starry - I'm so so sorry to hear what you've had to, and are currently going through. Perhaps the fact you are actively going through something similar is why I am gravitating towards your advice, rather than me paying attention to what I want to hear in your posts. What you've said about helping someone you care about out of a hole is very applicable here. I feel she needs me... and that clouds the shit out of your judgement in a situation like this.

I'm really sorry I am going through this stuff too, but me feeling sorry for myself won't do anything for me, my husband or relationship.

Way I see it, to love someone you have to be thier friend as well. Regardless if you get back together again, I think its important that IF she wants to get over this, that you show her some sort of support. WHen I kicked my husband out I told him it was over, but I also told him that I couldn't ignore the friend he was to me, and that I would support him in what ways I could.
In doing that I have seen the amazing change in him. He has rejoined the world of the living instead of being the shell-like zombie that he was.

Ya, its easy for us all to dismiss addiction. Why does an drug addict not just say stop? Because they physically crave the buzz. Why does an alcoholic need that drink? Because they need to cope with the misery they are in. Why does a sex addict go online to watch just one more bit of porn..last time..never again (because he loves his wife and feels ashamed he is doing it) but yet 10 days later, the urge is so strong that rational thought goes out the door. Why does a "fantasy love" / internet addict go into a chat room for just 1 little bit of chat/flirting? Because they have somehow disconnected from the real life and its just that "that" person online gives them the attention that they feel they are lacking, its having thier emotional needs met immediatly, and its a strong pull.
Maybe its not real and is all **** , well, there are a lot of us out there dealing with this stuff, so I guess we're all just crazy. Whatever.

Zen65

Hi OP,

I'm just offering some thoughts here as I read this thread, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.

This relationship started when you were both very young. It didn't really get much of your attention in recent times, and it seems it's getting your attention now, mainly because she cheated on you with the help of an online game.

But, what if that had not happened? If she had not cheated, would the relationship have just fizzled out in a whisper? Would you have let it expire? I mean, prior to the cheating, you did let it expire, right? Would you not have simply moved on and found another love somewhere else, somebody with whom the spark was better?

Why are you now so anxious to make it work? To avoid having this other guy take your woman? Because your ex is drop-dead-gorgeous?

If you both make a go of it, what will be different this time? Apart from the distrust?

I can't help wondering if you are trying to salvage this relationship because something in your pride tells you that you should. Pride is a poor cement, though.

Might you both be happier with a fresh start? Your situation is different to StarryMoon0's because you are not married, you are not salvaging a lifelong commitment to each other. You have the option of parting ways with each other, not being bitter about what happened, and being open to the possibility of new love, clean slate, and all that goes with it.

If this relationship is special to you. If she is the one you want for the rest of your life, then the effort required to make the relationship work could be worthwhile. It will require you both to forget the past, never to mention it again (once you have fully vented, and with help from counselling).

It's your choice, and nobody here has the insight that can really make that decision for you. Just be sure you are trying to salvage this for all the right reasons.

Be at peace,

Z