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My little poem

  • 12-08-2010 2:30pm
    #1
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭


    Hi guys,

    I'm really into writing poetry - I'm sure there isn't much of a market out there, I mean who buys poetry books? But it's something I really enjoy doing, and much prefer to write poems rather than stories.

    I love trying to get double meanings etc. in poems.

    Here's a little poem of mine called: Breathe. It's meant to be about how love is as essential as breathing.

    I'd really appreciate feedback, thanks, I enjoyed writing it anyway :).


    Breathe

    I breathe in and think of you,
    I breathe out and see your face,
    Tenderly touching it in my mind's eye,
    I stoke your face...I cry.

    I want you, I need you, I miss you,
    The other me,
    "You're bad for me",
    Two of a kind, always there
    Only consolation...we breathe the same air,

    The male me...I love you, I let you go

    Love is free...always entwined,
    Never to be.


Comments

  • #2
    Vegan Wannabe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭Vegan Wannabe


    I don't 'buy' this poem. Far too contrived. You are using cliched 'valentine's language' that is extremly off putting, 'meant to me' etc.


    Plenty of people buy poetry books. But yes, making a living from it as a contemporary poet is extremely unlikely.

    If you do want to write poetry the best place to start is with other, established poets. Read as many as you can. Good luck.


  • #3
    midlandsmissus
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,838 ✭✭✭midlandsmissus


    Vegan Wannabe wrote: »
    I don't 'buy' this poem. Far too contrived. You are using cliched 'valentine's language' that is extremly off putting, 'meant to me' etc.


    Plenty of people buy poetry books. But yes, making a living from it as a contemporary poet is extremely unlikely.

    If you do want to write poetry the best place to start is with other, established poets. Read as many as you can. Good luck.

    Hi Vegan Wannabe, first of all thank you very much for the feedback, and for the productive criticism.

    I don't want it to come across as overly slushy, but it wasn't contrived. I wrote it just after a break up, and that was truly how I was feeling at that moment.
    I wasn't using cliched language, it was coming straight from the heart at the time,
    I'm a bit sad it's coming across that way, but thanks, I am really interested in poetry and I'll take on board what you said.


  • #4
    jobee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 549 ✭✭✭jobee


    I dont know what good poetry is.
    There are so many different types.


  • #5
    time lord
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 606 ✭✭✭time lord


    midlandsmissus wrote: »
    Hi guys,

    I'm really into writing poetry - I'm sure there isn't much of a market out there, I mean who buys poetry books? But it's something I really enjoy doing, and much prefer to write poems rather than stories.

    I love trying to get double meanings etc. in poems.

    Here's a little poem of mine called: Breathe. It's meant to be about how love is as essential as breathing.

    I'd really appreciate feedback, thanks, I enjoyed writing it anyway :).


    Breathe

    I breathe in and think of you,
    I breathe out and see your face,
    Tenderly touching it in my mind's eye,
    I stoke your face...I cry.

    I want you, I need you, I miss you,
    The other me,
    "You're bad for me",
    Two of a kind, always there
    Only consolation...we breathe the same air,

    The male me...I love you, I let you go

    Love is free...always entwined,
    Never to be.

    The fact you wrote it is brilliant. I don’t think this forum will bear much constructive fruit though. If anyone compliments you they will probably floor you with some criticism afterwards.

    The poem will be strongest for you as I think it is said in your mind with rich personal imagery. This imagery is missing for us other readers. Which robs the poem of it true worth. There is no picture conveyed of your love how ever small it is needed for me to relate to the poem. Maybe when you mentioned their face you could of used a word to describe how it looked for you. Beautiful, smooth, cheery desirable any word you want.

    You move from your love, to love in general. This to me in this poem are two different topics joined for you by your own private experiences. Share some experiences you feel unique for you to the past relationship. Give more of yourself to the poem. Describe in full hi-def colour how it was.
    I'm not saying to lengthen the poem only try this. Think of us as idiots (not hard I know) and use this thought to ask yourself on each sentence what could or can an idiot see in that last sentence. If its not written down they won't see it.
    Again fair play for writing it. Any advice I've given is qualified by the fact I was brutal in school and never took any third level education. I just scribble as well. My favourite topic is first love. Now find a new partner and get dumped its great writing fuel :)


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