Fail at online dating- total failure?

LegacyUser

I've been trying online dating for the last year or so. After trying in pubs and clubs, but finding it very difficult to strike up conversations, I figured online dating might be more of an avenue for finding a date. But here I am, and it's proven to be even worse than pubs. I've written up a good profile (checked it with a female friend), posted a nice photo, and actively made contact with girls with profiles I've found interesting and attractive.

And yet, I've gotten literally nothing in reply. One or two times, they'd reply out of what must have been courtesy, but as soon as I'd enquire about something personal (like their name!) everything would go cold. Now I don't think I'm being aggressive in my approach. I generally start with 'hi! My name is.... x....' I'd say something about their profile that I would have found interesting. I'd say a bit about myself. Keep it light and frothy, but specific to the person I'd be contacting. And yet nothing.

So now I feel like an utter failure when it comes to the opposite sex. I've had relationships in the past. I've a fairly healthy group of friends, most of whom are in relationships, but I'm told I'm a great catch. If not an initially physically attractive one (believe it or not, that has been pointed out!). So I dunno what to do now. I just feel like giving up on ever finding someone again. Is being largely ignored online just pathetic? Am I right to feel like a failure? Am I a pariah? I just feel like John Merrick now, but even he attracted a crowd! Thanks for reading

Daisy Steiner

Could it be possible that your negative self-image is affecting the way you come across to potential dates?

Are you projecting negative thoughts and somehow expecting to be knocked back?

I've never tried on-line dating and haven't had a partner since I broke up with my last bf almost two years ago. I know that for quite a lot of that time I wasn't in any shape to be in a relationship and I was rarely approached because I was sending off negative vibes.

Over the last few months I've been feeling better and happier and lo and behold I have been on the receiving end of flirty smiles and lingering looks.

I'm too busy at the moment to do anything about it (exams looming) but as soon as they are done I am going to allow myself to be open to the idea of dating again and see where it takes me.

I've also been seeing a counsellor for the last year or so and I know that has helped me to drop the negative self-image and appreciate my many good points.

Best of luck to you op.

LittleBook

AGuyNamedFail wrote: »

I just feel like John Merrick now, but even he attracted a crowd!

:pac: LMAO ... With a sense of humour like that, you should be reeling them in!

I can't see what you're doing wrong other than maybe taking the whole thing (and yourself) a bit too seriously. Desperation, however well concealed, shows through and my only advice would be for you to relax and try to have a bit of fun with it ... then that's what will come across.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies! You see, I'm well aware that desperation or lack of confidence bleeds through. And in my group of friends, or around people I know, I'm pretty damn confident. And I don't really shy away from things, other than heights and the opposite sex.... a tall girl is a total fear for me!! But how do I stop the whole desperation idea seeping through. Sure, I'd like to be in a relationship. But I'm not weeping every night into my pillow, hoping for one. I know I'm a good guy, and I'm great at relationship stuff. But cant get past that initial step of meeting someone or even attracting them. Hell, most of my exes admitted to me that they never found me attractive when we first met. So I've clearly got the personality thing down. I dunno. I'm just a bit embarrassed that the internet dating thing hasn't produced, well, anything for me. And each time it fails, I feel a bit worse. It's like a bike on a rocky mountain. A vicious cycle!

lilminx

Hey OP

I've tried the online dating thing too and it can be quite frustrating, but do find that one's with chat rooms are a lot better than the one's ye just send off emails. Can get a bit of banter in the room and talk to people and just have a laugh and it's a good way to see people's personalities etc before you take the next step and send a mail or whatever. maybe try that? I agree with Littlebook that you're quite funny and these might be easier to put across in a chat room rather than in a mail if that makes sense.

Hope you start getting results OP.

Best of luck.

ManOfMystery

The whole problem with online dating is that it's often like browsing a shelf in a shop. You scan lots of photos and quick descriptions, and pick out those which stand out to contact - and because us humans are visual creatures by nature, that's usually the most attractive ones. And you may write off many people who could be the perfect partner simply because their little 128 x 128 pixels photo didn't catch your eye.

That's not to say the others aren't attractive - it could simply be down to not being photogenic, a poor photo, etc. Some people I've seen in photos who didn't appear attractive at all are much nicer in the flesh.

Personally I would advise you to work on your self-esteem and conversational skills and focus on striking up conversations with members of the opposite sex in bars, clubs, wherever you socialise. Ultimately that's more enjoyable and satisfying than sitting waiting for that elusive reply to an email you sent.

Silverfish

mood, please read the charter of this forum, thanks.

Post deleted.

Herodotus

Interesting predictament. I know it well.

Firstly, I think it would help for you to read this.

You'll also find some other very interesting blogs on what to say in a first email message etc.

Then join here.

It's free

Cork Exile

Hey OP,

You come across on here as a sound chap and I can understand the bit of frustration from trying to get that initial date on those sites. I've used them a bit over the last 2-3 years and here's what I found.

- Don't be afraid to put up more than one photo

- Try to use photos that you weren't posing for, specially for the site but maybe showing some of your interests, at a gig/festival, sport or travelling.

- The first mail is important and what I heard from a few women was to try to write something different from....."Hi, My name is......How are you doing?".
You are totally right about finding something in their profile to chat about just start with that and make sure you write something longer than 2 lines.

Also what sites are you using, if you don't mind me asking?

That first email is absolutely horrible. I've written long assed emails detailing a lot about me, stuff I've read in their profile and things in common that we might have and d'ya know what? A simple "hey, how are you?" gets more replies! That being said, a lot of women do like if you put a bit more effort in.

LegacyUser

The two sites I have used the most regularly are match.com and okcupid. I did dabble in plentyoffish for a while, but it wasn't really doing it for me. It seemed that the other two had more serious users, if ya get me. I've tried both quick 'hey, how are ya?' type messages, and longer ones, but neither work. I've had a couple of photos up. Never posed ones. I think they're ridiculous! But photos from nights out with friends. Clear shots, and shots where I look like I'm having fun! I just don't think I'm a very conventionally good-looking guy (which I'm perfectly fine with), and by online-dating's shopping-shelf approach to seeing who you like, that's not going to get me very far. But I am a genuine, funny (I think!) guy, and it's really confusing and a bit disheartening when you see some of the posts on this site where some of the experiences women have had have been with really creepy weirdos. You cant help feeling 'jesus, even the weirdos are doing better than me!'

Little Miss Lady

Hey there,

Listen the thing about online dating is that it's extremely fickle
totally based on how you look and nowt to do at all with a description on a profile to be honest..
I know as I've been on them myself and really if I don't think someone is attractive in my opinion no matter how nice the profile I just politely let them know..
Extremely shallow I know but I know what I want..
the thing I would suggest instead would be the meeting up in dublin or ireland groups were they do stuff like salsa dancing and orienteering and you will be bound to find a common interest with someone there and then who knows.. I hope this helps and also hope that you realise that it's got nothing to do with you personally that's just the way those crappy online sites go..

Best of luck

mood

If you have a female friend who uses internet dating sites get them to have a look and give opinion. Maybe your friend never looked at a dating site before so couldn't give the best advice.

Things like smoking would put a lot of girl off as well.

I'm not even replying to guys who don't read my profile. For example I have stated that I want to meet a non-smoker who was never married among other things so ignore guys who don't fit this. It may sound harsh but I know what I don't want and I'm sure other do as well.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I don't mean to be harsh, but what kind of girls are you approaching online? Are they drop dead gorgeous ones, hot ones, etc? Or are you going after OK-looking ones?
I know people say there are no such things as leagues but come on.

But I will add, an ability to make someone laugh raises a guys attractiveness by many notches. And while you may not be able to get a very attractive girl online, you probably can in real life. Humour is vital for a relationship.

But I don't know what kind of girls, looks-wise you are approaching so I may be too far off the bat.

G-Money

The thing is to not take it personally, although I know it can be hard not to get disheartened. I've been on a few dating sites over the years and never had much success. One girl I was sort of seeing for a while ending up doing my head in. A while later I ended up seeing a girl from a different site and that went ok for a while but sort of just ended as it wasn't really working.

I've been like you and created what I thought was a fairly interesting profile, with half decent pictures. I used to send out a lot of emails and barely get any replies. There are some girls who will say they are not into looks but in my experience, I think sometimes those are the girls who are more hung up looks than anyone.

I've been on PlentyOfFish and I actually just closed my profile on it the other day. I was fed up with it, I'd send off a few emails and get no replies. Or perhaps one or two replies but they'd go nowhere. Or I'd get girls sending me very boring messages such as "Hi, how r u?" and that would be it. I don't really like those messages as I often think they're just copying and pasting that into a load of messages and sending them to a ton of guys.

I think I'm going to take a break from the whole thing for a while. I'm focusing on a few other areas of my life at the moment and I tend to prefer to just put all my emphasis on those areas, such as getting fit etc. I think I'd find that difficult if I was always having to go out for dinner and drinks which seems to be inevitable in relationships.

I'm considering joining a running club so I guess that might be a way to meet new people. I'm not really sure though how that would improve things for me dating wise as even if I met some girl I really fancied, chances are that I'd never ask her out. So I'll most likely end up in the same boat as I am now.

Having said that, I think too much about dating and stuff. I don't know if I should only go after girls that I absolutely insanely feel lust for (which is a microscopic portion of the population) or someone who I think is alright and see how it goes.

I guess what worries me the most is that I never seem to meet anyone who I have "chemistry/sparks/mutual attraction" with and that is the most worrying thing of all for me.

Monkey61

Okay are you SURE that your profile was that good? Interesting and a bit different is the key to online dating. You need to be specific about yourself and about what you are looking for.

Most people's just seem to state the obvious - like going out to nice pubs and for dinner with friends, or maybe to a good gig or comedy night but also like nights in with a dvd and a bottle of wine, really into travelling etc - it is presumed that the majority of people like those things, they don't need to be stated that vaguely. If you want somebody to go to Japanese comic conventions with you - say that. If you want somebody who likes to cycle around the city centre at 2am on a Monday morning - say that. Why not put up some interesting and humorous facts about yourself?

Online is a disadvantage because you don't get to experience that buzz off someone like you might in person, but it has a major advantage in that you really get to present your interesting points and make it more likely that someone who might not look twice at you in the pub gets to go "Oh my God, his completely obscure favourite book is the same as mine! It's meant to be!"

I've had quite good luck with online dating and whilst I'm confident enough in my looks, my photos were pretty rubbish and most people I met said that they were won over by my profile first and foremost because it was funny, interesting and different.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Had a development over the weekend. One of the users I contacted got back to me after a few weeks. She said I had a great profile, and sent her a really nice message, so she felt compelled to reply. In the reply, she said she wasn't physically attracted to me, so felt that answering the questions I had sent in the first place was kind of pointless. But my original message was so nice that she wanted to say thanks but no thanks anyway. Wished me luck and that was that.

So yeah, weird. I mean, on one hand, I really appreciated the reply. It's nice somebody took the time to actually say no thanks and not just ignore the message. So for that, I'm appreciative. But then the whole 'OH GOD, WHAT'S THAT GROWTH ON YOUR NECK?! Oh, it's your head' non attractiveness thing (and I'm grossly exaggerating there!) was a bit disheartening. I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm content with who I am. Not like I can change much even if I wasn't! But it does confirm what I'd thought. That looks trump personality. I know online dating is an extreme of this. But it does suck a bit!

Daisy Steiner

Jesus, surely you can only know if you are physically attracted to someone when you are physically there beside them?

Photographs are not a good measure of how a person makes you feel.

Best of luck OP, you seem to have a cracking personality and are smart and funny. Hope you meet someone who deserves you soon .

mood

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

Jesus, surely you can only know if you are physically attracted to someone when you are physically there beside them?

Photographs are not a good measure of how a person makes you feel.

Best of luck OP, you seem to have a cracking personality and are smart and funny. Hope you meet someone who deserves you soon .

+1

And not ever one will find a person attractive so don't take it personally.

liger

Just wanted to throw my two cents in after reading your thread.

I've tried the online dating thing too. Wasn't getting any replies even though i had plenty of profile views. Then i paid an extra few quid so that NON premium, subscribed, ful,l gold class members could email me without having to get full membership. ( some of these sites put micheal o leary to shame with their add on's) Anyway a week later i was on a date with a really nice girl.

so if you havn't tried that i'd recommend it.

MRBEAVER

AGuyNamedFail wrote: »

. In the reply, she said she wasn't physically attracted to me

So she took the time out to reply to tell you that you were unattractive. Nice. That must really help your confidence. Women on these sites get a large number of mails so wouldn't be reading too much in to the lack of replies. Most guys on these sites sent more or less the same message to dozens of women.

LegacyUser

While the comments here about improving your profile etc are useful, everyone you meet online (or anywhere else) is different. You are equally likely to meet someone tomorrow whether or not you have been there a short time or a long time. I was on these sites for years and eventually hooked up with someone that had just joined recently.

mood

I find I don't reply if profile are not filled out properly regarding important stuff or give vague answers.

For example the site I am on asks if you want children. A lot of guys either leave this blank or give 'not sure' as an answer. A lot guys also leave the living arrangements or smoking and drinking part blank!

If you don't fill it out properly you will only end up meeting people who don't suit you!

sharper

Online dating is a tough one, especially in Ireland where it's seen as something of a last resort. Almost any site you pick will have a ratio of 1:10 women to men and many of them will be worst than that. Plus a fairly small percentage of men tend to generate lots and lots of (low quality) messages.

For an individual guy that means he's in an environment that has lots of other men so he's likely to get drowned out.

Really the best approach is to not have high expectations of success (or else you'll just give up and leave after a short period) and not to invest too much in any individual attempt at contact.

I generally like okcupid.com over the other sites because it's more of a general networking site and less focussed on dating specifically although there aren't a huge number of Irish people on there.