Feeling really down about a friend.

LegacyUser

First off, so sorry about long winded post.
I don't have many friends, really only a small group as I'm quite shy and a few years back befriended someone through my small group of friends.
At first, she was great and we got on really well, meeting once or twice a week for lunch or shopping. I thought I had finally found a best friend who understood me. We had a great laugh!
She had problems walking due to an injury/bad back and I had no problem driving her wherever she needed to go, I'm self employed so my time is really my own during the day as my work is mostly evening based (haha, don't worry, I don't work in a call centre or anything annoying like that - or dirty either haha)
All of a sudden her back problems got worse and really worried about her, I drove her straight to hospital and waited with her (14 hours) and when she was finally admitted - by what I thought was a narky doctor who tried to tell us nothing was wrong with her- I visited her every day, bringing her food and her drinks - including my birthday when she decided she needed pyjamas.
But after a few months she seemed to be in and out of hospital a hell of a lot but I always obliged and the pattern continued. She got pain management and seemed to be coming round from it.
Then all of a sudden she has diabetes! Then it's pneumonia, muscle spasms, can't sleep, sleeping too much, blind in one eye, pain bad, can't feel anything...the list goes on and on
I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, so the more went wrong the more I drove her places and met up with her- nearly having lunch everyday! I always listened to her when she was upset. I truely believed she was very ill and badly needed my help.
Then one day I had a really awful argument with my mom (who has mental problems) and was very upset about it. I called my friend and we met up. She didn't even ask if I was okay, what happened or anything, just straight into how sick she is and her back pain is really bad!
I was taken aback a little but thought to myself, the poor girl has a lot of pain all the time, I'll tell her later what happened to me when the conversation dies a bit, I'm sure she'll be shocked. So, I did, she talked on and on and on all through lunch, all through the car journey to the shops for her food and medical certs, all through the car journey home, all about her illnesses.
Finally, I get to say it to her and she looks at me and says "Yeah, I've never seen you so upset, you're normally a really bouncy person......anyway, see you tomorrow, don't forget, I've a doctors appointment at eleven!"
I still don't remember driving home but I picked myself up and let it go.
Then, since then I notice more and more that if I say anything about anything, if it's not about her illness or whatever she is talking about, she doesn't even acknowledge that I said anything - like as if I hadn't opened my mouth! It finally really annoyed me when our small group met up and I was trying to tell her a funny story about what happened when I tried to book a booth at the bar for later- I was totally blanked! Like as if I hadn't said a word! Then she turns to me, interrupts me mid sentence and starts on about her tingling fingers! I didn't try to speak to her for the rest of the night!
I have been very, very lonely and down since that day and every day she still texts me to go here and there for her. I have been doing less and less for her in the past month (I don't say no, just pretend I never received the text or have to help my mom) and feel awful for doing that but I just can't bring myself to want to do anything anymore, I just sit at home all day waiting to start work.
Should I keep meeting her and hope our friendship goes back to what it was? I feel like crying every time I think of it....is it just me? Am I boring and she's trying to hint that I shouldn't speak too much of what's going on in my mind?

Anyway, if anyone gets through this mad long post....Thanks for doing so

washiskin

Firstly, I would be delighted to have such a caring and generous friend as you - your kindness and compassion is a rare gift and should be appreciated.

This girl is a black hole of need and selfishness - pure & simple. You'll never be able to give enough, do enough or care enough for someone who is so self absorbed and self centred. All she thinks about is herself and what she needs and what she wants and, unfortunately, anyone who befriends her will suffer the same treatment you're getting at the moment.

This is not your fault - it's her. I know being shy and having few friends means we try extra hard for someone who shows a glimmer of friendship towards us and sometimes it works well but more often than not we end up in situations like this. I've lost count of how many times this has happened to me.

You are better off keeping her at a distance from now on - maybe she will cop on and realise she took too you much for granted but I wouldn't hold my breath. If she has any sense, she'll ask you what's wrong and that will be your opportunity to tell her how you feel - then guage your next move from her reaction to what you say. My guess is that she'll blame her illness/pain/life in general for how she has treated you and probably sulk because you called her on it. If she is genuinely sorry - then you have a chance to make this friendship grow on a fairer scale.

I really hope it works out better for you either way

boarduser1980

washiskin wrote: »

You are better off keeping her at a distance from now on - maybe she will cop on and realise she took too you much for granted but I wouldn't hold my breath. If she has any sense, she'll ask you what's wrong and that will be your opportunity to tell her how you feel - then guage your next move from her reaction to what you say. My guess is that she'll blame her illness/pain/life in general for how she has treated you and probably sulk because you called her on it. If she is genuinely sorry - then you have a chance to make this friendship grow on a fairer scale.

i totally agree with this statement. she is totally taking you for granted.

I agree with what washiskin has said, but personally I'd be a bit more assertive about it. It's true, all she's thinking about is herself. You being "busy" or saying "not today, sorry" or slowly drifting away from her wont mean anything to her. Your slow and steady retreat from her will be a perfect set up for her to slowly and steadily get someone else into caretaker mode for her. You'll be sensitively weaning her off your support. She wont notice.

If it were me, the next time she expects a favour, just say "no, I'm tired of feeling used". If she asks what you're talking about explain it to her. If she doesn't then your rid of her anyway. Win-win. Either way she'll probably be missing you the next time she has to get a taxi or gets shot down by someone else she's trying to manipulate. Friends like that aren't worth trying to keep.

LegacyUser

I want to avoid causing any drama as I'm terrified she'll take my other friends from me by bad mouthing me to them. She acts totally different around them and actually does stuff for them, I don't think they'll believe me if I told them she uses me.
I'm hoping if I drift from her she'll take the hint and move on while still being civil to each other when our group meets. I don't think I could face losing my other friends - I really adore them!

Thanks everyone for your very kind and supportive words! I was so down last night about all this, everyone of you has really made my day! I actually convinced myself that I'd get a load of angry posts telling me to cop on, to see that it's not just me really is just beyond a relief!
If I could hug each one of you right now, I really would!

Piriz

Hi OP,
just read all of your posts and everything in this thread and wanted to say..you sound lovely!
i wanna leave it at that but i just wanna add; i think the way you are playing this one will work for you, you will eliminate the demanding friend, you will have demonstrated that you tried your best to be a fantastic and caring friend and also show that you are assertive and will not be taken advantage of but can still do this with some sensitivity..your other friends couldn't possibly see any bad in you..
i reckon your a star! you should and will have plenty more friends, people like people like you!
have a nice day:)