No sex, please

LegacyUser

I really need some help with this as my relationship is on the line. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years ago but the last time we had sex was January. Before that it was probably a few months again. Basically a couple of years ago (yes, years) my sex drive just upped and disappeared and never came back. The reason we aren't having sex is all my fault. He must have the patience of a saint for putting up with me.

Since my sex drive went on holidays I've been trying to think of a reason for it. I changed my birth control, I changed my diet, I went on antidepressants, etc. For a long time I even thought I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend anymore which absolutely broke my heart. I often forced myself to have sex just so that he wouldn't have to go without. In the last couple of weeks I've discovered I'm allergic to latex and suddenly everything makes sense.

Because of the latex allergy I was always in pain after sex. My vibrator is made from latex too so that put me in pain. My brain was made the connection that sex = pain and as such I have no desire for it at all. Between that and forcing myself to have sex I've developed a complete mental block to sex. Now that I've realised this I want to get some latex free condoms and get back to normal but the issue has been going on for so long that I don't know where to start.

If I encounter anything to do with sex my immediate reaction is now "no". Even when my boyfriend and I are kissing I want to push him away because my brain is subconsciously telling me I'm going to end up in pain. I have no idea how to get back to normal if I can't even get aroused by kissing my boyfriend.

I desperately want a normal relationship, scratch that, a normal sex life, but I don't know where to start.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

Have you seen your GP about this? I think if you go and explain the situation he/she may be able to refer you to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist or maybe even a therapist that specialises in sexual behaviour.

CBT works by gradually changing the way you think about certain things and allows you to change patterns that have emerged in your life.

Or a sex therapist may be able to help you through this block that you have. I'm not sure what other advice I can offer but maybe this is something you can look into? I can't imagine what it's like but I know that it must be frustrating for you and your bf.

Good luck,

CR

Miss Fluff

You need to get your GP to refer you to a psychosexual therapist, I think you would derive enormous benefit from it and some sessions would help lift this barrier that is stopping you from having a great sex life.

Your boyfriend sounds like a pet. You need to be tactile and affectionate and reassure him that you love him, that you still find him attractive and that are going to work on this. I'd also promise him what a good time he is in for once you get over this issue

Sleepy

Why not go back to basics and masturbate (without the vibrator) to start teaching your subconcious that sexual feelings are a pleasurable thing? As you become more comfortable with this, include your boyfriend in this. Assuming you're open with him about what's going on, you could agree to work slowly back up towards penetrative sex... I'm sure you can think of loads of fun things to do together that don't involve latex

Pembily

I have been there, have the latex allergy and have something weird with my hymen and for ages sex was very painful and my ex did have the patience of a saint!!! Defo go to the doctor and talk about it, cos if you are not relaxed you won't be able to have sex!!! You could try masturabation as suggested above, none of my vibrators are latex but your fingers are perfect and latex free!!!

Best of luck!! Also the non latex condoms are a fortune and I am buying mine from here Britsh Condoms!!!

LegacyUser

Ladies you mind if I ask how you know if you have a latex allergy? I'm sometimes very sore/burny after sex and had wondered could it be that? I don't have thrush or anything else, I've checked.

FortyPlusHubby

frigidbrigid wrote: »

I desperately want a normal relationship, scratch that, a normal sex life, but I don't know where to start.

Make sure you start by telling your bf about your latex allergy!!

After that, simply start your "sexual learning" from scratch, without latex, and do it with your bf helping you along the way. You should be very excited about the journey you are going on!

Best of luck,

40pH