Irrational Pregnancy Fears

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Can't believe I'm actually going to voice this but I figured as soon as I got it out there, I'd realise just how stupid I was being...

I had a fling with a girl just before last Christmas. It was really just casual sex on a couple of occasions and nothing more. Protection was used. Shortly afterwards I met the one I'm certain I want to spend my life with, and contact with the fling stopped. She attempts the odd hello every couple of months, but generally I have found her to be an immature, troublesome person and wish to avoid contact with her.

Lately, I have developed an insanely irrational fear that this fling is going to contact me informing me that she has been pregnant all this time, is close to the due date, and that I'm the father. Nothing I can do is removing me from this thought process, and it is starting to visibly affect my behaviour (constantly seeming worried and stressed). I'm dreading this moment to the point where I've blocked her from contacting me, just in an attempt to regain my peace of mind. I cannot even bring myself to just straight up ask her, because I'm terrified of any potential that the answer might be a "yes".

What I want to know is what I'm suspecting... I'm just being a complete idiot, aren't I? Would a woman keep this information to herself for this long (8 months), or would she be more likely to inform the suspected father as soon as a pregnancy was discovered?

I know I sound like an absolute lunatic, but I'm at my wits end as I've never worried about anything like this before and I'm just looking for some perspective.

Thank you.

seamus

Would I be right in saying that you're not entirely terrified of the pregnancy thing (though you would be scared obviously), but the idea that if this other girl did appear on the scene with a baby, you are terrified about the effect that it would have on your current relationship?

LegacyUser

Not really mate. My current girlfriend has a 4 year old son from a previous relationship. The only fear there I'd have would be if she thought I was cheating on her at some point, which is something I would never do.

I'm just terrified at the prospect of being a father to a child I never wanted, with someone I never wanted to have one with.

Unregistered39

Sounds like a totally irrational fear that is just snowballing. We've all had them. The germ of an idea was planted and your imagination runs riot.

Does she live anywhere near you so you can get a look at her (hard to hide being 8 months pregnant)? Is she on Facebook so you could see some photos or do you know any of her friends?

LegacyUser

Unregistered39 wrote: »

Sounds like a totally irrational fear that is just snowballing. We've all had them. The germ of an idea was planted and your imagination runs riot.

Does she live anywhere near you so you can get a look at her (hard to hide being 8 months pregnant)? Is she on Facebook so you could see some photos or do you know any of her friends?

Heh... sounds about right. It was so messed up, just out of nowhere one day the scenario played in my mind and I haven't been able to drop it since!

She has no online presence that I can tell of and I've only seen her friends or heard of them, never interacted with them. As far as seeing her in person goes, I wouldn't have a clue where to find her.

Thank you so much for your reply, it was genuinely comforting.

Emme

Worried Chap wrote: »

Hi all,

Can't believe I'm actually going to voice this but I figured as soon as I got it out there, I'd realise just how stupid I was being...

I had a fling with a girl just before last Christmas. It was really just casual sex on a couple of occasions and nothing more. Protection was used. Shortly afterwards I met the one I'm certain I want to spend my life with, and contact with the fling stopped. She attempts the odd hello every couple of months, but generally I have found her to be an immature, troublesome person and wish to avoid contact with her.

I'm shocked at your callous attitude.

Well you didn't wish to avoid sexual contact with "the fling" before Christmas, did you? I hope for her sake that "the fling" isn't pregnant as the father of her child wouldn't be around to support her.

I hope the one you're certain you want to spend your life with stays around for you.

Worried Chap wrote: »

I'm just terrified at the prospect of being a father to a child I never wanted, with someone I never wanted to have one with.

Don't men realise that if they have sex with a woman of childbearing age, there is always a risk, however minimal, of pregnancy.

If you want to be absolutely sure "the fling" isn't pregnant then contact her and get her to have a pregnancy test. If it's negative then great for you. If it's positive you'll have to arrange a paternity test to make sure it isn't yours.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I'm shocked at your callous attitude.

Well you didn't wish to avoid sexual contact with "the fling" before Christmas, did you? I hope for her sake that "the fling" isn't pregnant as the father of her child wouldn't be around to support her.

I hope the one you're certain you want to spend your life with stays around for you.



Don't men realise that if they have sex with a woman of childbearing age, there is always a risk, however minimal, of pregnancy.

If you want to be absolutely sure "the fling" isn't pregnant then contact her and get her to have a pregnancy test. If it's negative then great for you. If it's positive you'll have to arrange a paternity test to make sure it isn't yours.

What's callous about this? I had casual sex with someone and am no longer in contact with them due to getting to know them better and finding us to be mismatched. I also hope they are not pregnant. Simple as that.

Your biggest hang-up seems to be the fact that I referred to her as "the fling", in which case I'll ask you to drop your political correctness and respect my wish to keep her name anonymous. I'll think of a more acceptable term next time.

I thank you for your advice, but please keep abusive comments to yourself.

implausible

Emme wrote: »

I'm shocked at your callous attitude.

Well you didn't wish to avoid sexual contact with "the fling" before Christmas, did you? I hope for her sake that "the fling" isn't pregnant as the father of her child wouldn't be around to support her.

I hope the one you're certain you want to spend your life with stays around for you.

Don't men realise that if they have sex with a woman of childbearing age, there is always a risk, however minimal, of pregnancy.

If you want to be absolutely sure "the fling" isn't pregnant then contact her and get her to have a pregnancy test. If it's negative then great for you. If it's positive you'll have to arrange a paternity test to make sure it isn't yours.

Didn't you read the bit where the OP said he used protection? There is no need to jump down his throat and worry him even more, now that's callous.

OP, this thread is about an irrational fear, which we are all subject to at some time - everyone has moments of terror over their lives being turned upside-down. Your fear is just rooted in an emotive event like pregnancy. You recognise that it's irrational so you're halfway there. Your obvious anxiety is more likely to drive your new partner away than the unlikely event of the other girl turning up on your doorstep with a baby.

However, I wonder if something has planted this idea in your mind. What type of protection was used?

Put your energy and thoughts into your present relationship. To banish the thoughts, do a simple 'what if?' plan in your head e.g. "ok, well if she is, I will check the paternity, and if the baby is mine, I will sort out the financial and custody issues. I will explain to my partner and as she already has a child, it might work out ok" or something like that.... Sometimes the only way to banish the fear is to face it (excuse the cliché).

Emme

Worried Chap wrote: »

What's callous about this? I had casual sex with someone and am no longer in contact with them due to getting to know them better and finding us to be mismatched. I also hope they are not pregnant. Simple as that.

Your biggest hang-up seems to be the fact that I referred to her as "the fling", in which case I'll ask you to drop your political correctness and respect my wish to keep her name anonymous. I'll think of a more acceptable term next time.

I thank you for your advice, but please keep abusive comments to yourself.

Abusive - hardly? The terminology you used to refer to your ex-lover is abusive. You may be able to use, abuse and discard women at whim, but there is no need to describe these women as objects even if you do treat them as such.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal

seamus

I would go down the facebook route. Or failing that, try a mutual friend - just ask casually how your ex is getting on.

You're not completely and utterly disconnected - you say she tries to say hi every now and again, so maybe indulge her the next time, have a brief chat, talk about how great your new relationship is, and when she doesn't mention anything about a baby, you can rest easy.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you spoken to your gf at all about this?

I'm guessing you're with her almost 8 months? How comfortable are you with each other. You say you are sure she's "the one". Well if she is, then you should be able to talk honestly with her.

You say your main worry is that you will find out the other girl is pregnant, and your gf will think you have cheated on her. Well the easy way to resolve that is speak to your gf!!! You say that it is actually affecting your behaviour now that you are always worried and stressed, do you not think your gf might have noticed something?!

If she is infact "the one", trust her enough to tell her your fears. Once they are out there, they're usually not so scary anymore!

EDIT: As for the other girl being pregnant, it's unlikely. But, I suppose, you can't be sure, I just know that if it was ME, I would have told the father as soon as possible.. even if I didn't expect him to hang around, he'd still have a right to know. How well did you know her.. how likely is it, that she would be able to keep this to herself and not let you know?

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies. Reading them has done a lot to calm my nerves. None of you had to say anything to help some anonymous boardsie, but you did. I mean it, thank you.

tinkerbell

I think you need to take a deep breath and calm down.

Next, you should go the facebook route, find some mutual friends, check out their photos, etc. Even if she herself is not on facebook, she more than likely will be in the photos on her friends' pages. Then you'll quickly find out if she's not pregnant or not.

Or, next time she says hello, just respond and be like "hey, how are things", just be polite. Oh and speak to your girlfriend about this, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say.

Are there any rational fears though for this? Like why do you think she's pregnant? Is it just because you were with her 8 months ago and that's the only reason?

Des Carter

Why are people calling this fear irrational as I think fearing someone may be pregnant after you slept with them is very rational.

As for the question on if she would have told you or not it depends on the person but it is possible that she was scared to tell you as ye werent serious and whenever she tried to contact her you blew her off.

OP the only way youll know for sure is if you meet/talk to your 'fling'.

Des Carter

Des Carter wrote: »

Why are people calling this fear irrational as I think fearing someone may be pregnant after you slept with them is very rational.

As for the question on if she would have told you or not it depends on the person but it is possible that she was scared to tell you as ye werent serious and whenever she tried to contact her you blew her off.

OP the only way youll know for sure is if you meet/talk to your 'fling'.

Not really. Sure, it might be rational at first, but this was 8 months ago! So it would require the protection failing, her not saying anything, him not finding out through other means..what are the chances, really? It's not impossible but it's also not very likely.