Another Facebook dilemma

LegacyUser

I may be right or I may be wrong in what I did, but it's too late now - I checked my partner's Facebook messages and I see that she has feelings for another man.
She was on holidays last week and they met. Nothing happened, but she made it clear if she hadn't left something would have happened and they are also in contact by text and phone calls.

In short, how do I tackle her on this?

I have asked her over the past few days what is wrong as I knew something was not right in her attitude towards me and her demeanour. She continually says everything is alright, but I know otherwise.

Or if drastic measures are to be taken, do I admit I saw her Facebook messages, which she has now deleted, but I could almost say word for word what was written in them?

I would prefer to know the truth and walk away before anything happens and we can both start afresh than to be made a fool of.

Taltos

If you trust her this little to check up on her.
And she respects you this little by flirting with another guy.

... why are you still here?
Would it not be better to just walk?

It all depends on your level of committment - but will you ever get back the trust? Or if you do admit it - will she?

LegacyUser

That is very true and we have had trouble recently, but we worked through it, have been very happy (or so I thought) and up to now our communication has been fantastic.

I knew over the weekend something had happened as we are very in tune with each other and my gut instinct, rightly or wrongly took over and I was drawn to check her account.

I think you are right, this will end, but I'd like for her to admit to me what happened. I will have to tell her how I know and I think our relationship will end there.

Thank you, I think I just needed to hear it from another person.

LighterGuy

(sorry for long post) our gut instincts are our most powerful tool. you got alarm bells, you checked, and look what you found.
Dont do what many a man has done in these situations. And that is to believe lies and move forward. Only to get hit with a sudden realisation of truth down the line.
Look at the facts. You read the messages, you know what was said. her attitude towards you changed. She deleted the messages. Now she is in contact with text and phone calls.

Op, come down on this. You know whats going on. These are the signs are of a partner who is about to cheat (or someone who already did on that holiday - which is such a big factor with this)

Heck, your in dangerous waters. I've seen it happen where people unexpectedly give their partner the elbow to go off with someone else... thats known as the conscience cheating - to be in a relationship, but someone else is on the scene. letting them get closer and closer but only sleep with them when the boyfriend/girlfriend is broken up with. Its to justify their own conscience.


Either way op... confront her on this. She'll deny it. 99.9% of people never admit to cheating (or intentions) when brought up upon.

and here lies big hypocrisy - if you tell her "i read your facebook mails" - she'll fly off the handle. Regardless of whats going on with this bloke. Heck, she could of slept with him over there but she'll flip. (people for you)
Then you'll feel like the one who ruined things (as she wont be honest)

So you have a few choices:

A, just be forward. I read your mails. Now you're texting him and ringing him. I aint no fool. End it at that. If you listen to her, she'll try and play spin doctor.

B, ask her about it. Revealing you read the messages. You'll be the bad guy. Could even break up with you to consciously go off with this guy (aka, guilt free)

C, dont say anything. And done what many a man has done. Ignore the truth and then continue being in a relationship thats going to have a bad ending (for you)

Its "A" my friend.

FortyPlusHubby

I_need_to_know_the_truth wrote: »

I may be right or I may be wrong in what I did, but it's too late now - I checked my partner's Facebook messages and I see that she has feelings for another man.
She was on holidays last week and they met. Nothing happened, but she made it clear if she hadn't left something would have happened and they are also in contact by text and phone calls.

In short, how do I tackle her on this?

How long has your relationship been going on for? Do you want to end it, or would you prefer to save it?

Short relationship/want to save it:
You're probably wasting your time, she's already considering somebody else this early in your relationship.
Walk.

Short relationship/don't want to save it:
Tell her you know she's having thoughts about somebody else.
Walk.

Long relationship/don't want to save it:
Tell her you know she's having thoughts about somebody else.
Walk.

Long relationship/want to save it:
Maybe she's having second thoughts/doubts about the relationship and needs to decide what she wants. Long-term relationships are scary and they can drive a person to panic and act out on that panic.
Confront her this way: "I know you're having feelings for somebody else since your holiday, and I'm not happy about it. I want our relationship to work, but it can only work if we are honest with each other. I need you to decide whether you're going to work with me on this relationship - which means ending all contact with this other guy, or whether you're going to walk away from me and be with him. You have ((amount of time)) to decide, and if you can't tell me what you want, then it's over between us anyway"

Yeah, you may end up walking any way you play this, but you'll have shown her that you are more honest than she is, and you care enough to want the relationship to work. If she chooses to stay with you, and if that's waht you want, then you'll have to forgive her and forget this ever happened. She'll probably respect you more for taking a stand.


Best of luck!

40pH