Sharing my thoughts

LegacyUser

Well, let me just give a little backdrop into my current situation, my girlfriend of 5 years and now fiancée has essentially been having an emotional affair with another man and for lack of a better word it has totally shattered me as a person.

As I said, we've been together 5 years we both met in a mutual hobby we both enjoyed and it just sparked from there, roughly a year ago I asked her to marry me but for money issues we both knew it wouldn't be for awhile before we were really married. For as long as I can remember shes been my best friend/soul mate whatever you want to call it.

I helped her through the unfortunate death of her father, her mothers depression and alcoholism. She too got me through rough times with my parents. Whenever anything was bad we had one another to lean on. I got a part-time job to support her, her mum and her younger brother after the father died.

Anyways, because of all this she has been the one person in the world I could always depend upon and trust. She has been the only person I have ever loved, and the only one I intended to love, shes the only girl I have ever been with, shes the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. For lack of a better description I would have gone to hell and back for her.

About 6 months ago however we had a terrible fight over something very stupid (and no we don't fight often its probably one of the only ones in 5 years I even remember remotely that bad out of about 2). Words were said and we didn't talk to one another for a day or two. It seems that in this time one of her male friends, (who I know very little about because I have always trusted her and never felt the need to ask questions). She and him talked, she was obviously upset about the fight we had, and he 'comforted her'.

The following two days they spent together constantly, she and I then made up, however they continued to email and meet in secret. Only tonight did I manage to find a stray email that had been accidentally sent to our shared address rather than her personal one( which I had no idea she had).

In the email there was no erotic or sexual references, however they did both discuss their love for one another(our email displays previous replies from the same chain of emails), and he asked when she intended to tell me we were through. To say the least I was devastated.

I must have sat in that chair for about a good 5 hours staring at the words over and over, I was too weak to stand up. She came home from shopping and visiting her mothers then and found me. What followed was a frantic bombardment of questions by me and her telling me her 'version' of events.

She was depressed after our fight, he made her feel better. However one day he told her that he had always loved her since the day they had met and she in her state told him she was fond of him too. She has never been good at letting people down or making them feel bad so in her words 'she just couldn't break it to him that she didn't love him'.

Eventually our argument/fight/discussion I don't even know what to call it, came down to a few simple things.

Had she slept with him, she said no but all I have is her words.

Did she love him, she said no yes again only her words to go on.

I demanded she ended it with him now, and that to make sure she did it, I had to be there to see it end and that they were never to have contact again. This she refused, she said for her privacy, which I had apparently violated by reading the emails, I was not allowed to see it and have to take her word for it that its over between them.

I guess what I want to get from sharing all this is, what would others do in my situation, I love her but I feel betrayed at the very core of my being. Sometimes I wish she had just slept with him and it meant nothing, but now I don't even know if she really loves him or not.

Any advice or thoughts would be most welcoming.

TEH REAL CDP

OP - first things first,

She is entitled to have her own e-mail address.

Additionally, she is also entitled to have her own friends.

I think you'll find it's perfectly acceptable in this day and age.

You have to learn to trust. Your e-mail wreaks of insecurity. This is not attractive and you will push her away if you do not change your attitude... "bombarding someone with questions" in relation to an e-mail that has zero to do with you is totally and utterly out of order.

She arrived home to you. Thus, I think you can conclude from that and from what she told you, that she did not reciprocate anything other than platonic intimacy towards her friend. You need to relax and really re-evaluate your actions.

People (not everyone) in long term relationships can (sometimes) often develop a very skewed perspective of things if they become dependent on each other. Your fiancee did a perfectly reasonable and healthy thing - you two had a fight and she turned to a friend for guidance. Very logical thing to do.
Theoretically, you're doing exactly the same thing now (basically), the only difference is that your better half consulted a friend.

It's hardly the crime you think it is. You were not betrayed. She has the right to keep in contact with whoever she likes as long as it does not undermine her or your commitment to the relationship. You owe her an apology for your behaviour and for your ambush.

Additionally, its cool that you did a lot for this girl and you have both helped each other out during tough times. However, all that was in good will. She owes you nothing for that. She trusts you. I would imagine she expects the same in return. By all accounts, she was handling her friends declaration of love in her own way, and it didn't get out of hand. Ironically, the more you act up on this - the more she will give serious thought to being in a stress free relationship where she is not micromanaged and interrogated.

Independence is a right. Having friends is healthy. Having trust is essential.

I apologise for the seemingly harsh tone of this message. However, I think you are *grossly* overreacting.

Peace.

Kingpin187

From what you have told us, my own opinion is that the "male friend" has been waiting for an opening, and upon seeing your OH in an upset/angry state, has played on that.

Your OH hasnt done anything wrong, its just that other guy being a typical guy.

You seem to have gotten yourself into a state over an essentially meaningless email (in respect that there is no evidence of wrongdoing), so you betrayed her trust and got yourself in a state.. and for what?

I love my missus, and trust her completely... but I dont trust other guys.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice so far, maybe I am overreacting a little. But to clarify a few things we both have a shared email for our family sake, grandmothers and what not emailing us, and we both have personal email addresses, I do not go poking through her emails deliberately because like I said before now I trusted her completely and it was her privacy(as is my email my own).

This email that caused all this however he had accidentally sent to the email account we share together, (dont ask me how anyone could make that mistake I don't know). And I do not believe there is one person here that would not have clicked on the email, either by accident or out of pure fear for their relationship.

So frankly I do not believe I did anything wrong, and from what we've talked about since it happened Ive begun to suspect that if I hadn't of found it she would never have broken it off with this guy.

I am not a child I understand people are entitled to friends outside a relationship and privacy in and without, but if you are honestly telling me you think its okay what she did because of one fight we had in about 3 years that bad, then I really have to disagree with you in my eyes it is very much not okay.

Kingpin187

Sorry mate I misunderstood! lol

So yea the email was sent to the shared account, so yea Id have read it definitely, although we dont share email accounts. I know my OHs password and she knows mine, often we have needed something and had to get each other to log in and check something.. but I dont ever think about her reading mine and vice versa, probably because I dont use my email for anything other than bills and a few other random things.

Does this other guy know that this is a shared account, if so, it was probably intentional on his part.

I think you should give your missus the benefit of the doubt, the length of time you have been together she deserves that at least no?