My gf is suicidal, how can I get her help?

james.xix

Hi,

I've been with my gf for a year. Before we met, she attempted to kill herself once, she jumped into a river and thankfully survived.

I was told all this when we were having a discussion one night. She assured me she was ok now, she was in a low at the time but it's not something that would happen again.

We had an argument last night. She left my house and sent me a text that she would become my angel. She believes in angels, that people who die become angels, e.g. her gran is one for her. Not something I'd agree with but some magazine like horoscopes, have sections on angels, maybe some people here no a whole lot more on that than I did.

After that text anyways, I went after her in case she did anything stupid. Following a bit of talking, I got her back home safe anyways. When we talked when we got back she admitted two months ago she had contemplated suicide again and that she had a text ready to send to me saying how she'd be my angel but she didn't want to live.

I really do not know what to do. My gf generally is normal, but any low and she does not react well to it. I'm not sure who I can talk to about it. I can't exactly go contacting her family about it. What can I do?

Thanks in advance for any help,

Jimmy.

tenchi-fan

Hi
Your girlfriend just learned to work herself into a state and threaten suicide as a means to end every argument and gain sympathy and love.

I think you need to march her to a gp and get her professional help. Her depression might be hard on her but you are wasting a lot of energy worrying about her. Its doing neither of you any good.

james.xix

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Hi
Your girlfriend just learned to work herself into a state and threaten suicide as a means to end every argument and gain sympathy and love.

I think you need to march her to a gp and get her professional help. Her depression might be hard on her but you are wasting a lot of energy worrying about her. Its doing neither of you any good.

Thanks for your reply.
She knows she won't earn/gain and sympathy or love for carrying on like that. I made that clear.
She's embarrassed at the moment, it's not easy. I will look at getting her help.

dellas1979

james.xix wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.
She knows she won't earn/gain and sympathy or love for carrying on like that. I made that clear.
She's embarrassed at the moment, it's not easy. I will look at getting her help.

James - I dont know if she knows that - I would think she'll try it again to see what boundaries she can cross/how far she can push it.

Can I ask, when she jumped in the river, how did she get out/survive?
Was it a cry for help/attention more than a suicide attempt?

If she is into angels, she should really listen to them (thats what you are supposed to do - angels cannot interfer with freewill but can influence you) and I am 100% sure they would not want her committing suicide. Maybe not dying on attempt was their way of helping her. Use the angels thing to your advantage.

Ickle Magoo

How old is she, OP?


She tells you about being suicidal, runs off after an arguments, texts you and you come running and beg her to come home. That smacks far more of control and emotional blackmail than anything else.

It's a really, really unhealthy behaviour and I think if she's still at home you should let her family know what she's doing so they can get the appropriate help, either way, I'd put your relationship on hold until she gets the help she clearly needs.

Best of luck

james.xix

She survived because she is a good swimmer, all of her family know about it, though I have not spoken to them.
She told me before when we were talking about things. It was nothing to do with sympathy, was never really mentioned again. We did have a mini-split before and it did not come up then.
I know where people are coming with regards boundaries, I can assure ye with this, that is not the case. You can usually tell.
She's was talking about wanting to become my angel, as I said originally, I'm not sure what to do. Professional help or speak with her family? I don't think I really should speak with her family on this but they probably do know her better in some regards

LegacyUser

Get in touch with Pieta House in Lucan (www.pieta.ie or 01 601 0000).

They are honestly some of the loveliest people you'll ever meet. Whether you're girlfriend is actually suicidal or is just crying for help, she needs help. Give them a call yourself and just explain the situation and they'll give you professional advice on what to do next. From speaking with them, they've always said that most of the people that come to the centre would never have gotten help themselves, but that the people around them reached out and the suicidal person was relieved in the end. They also made the point that even though someone threatens suicide 50 times and doesn't do anything, doesn't mean that they won't on the 51st.

The counselling they do is free, and it's really relaxed and informal. Getting help can be intimidating, but as soon as you walk in the door here they make you a cup of tea. They'll at least be able to help you decide what the best course of action is, or what should be done next. Try and get your girlfriend to contact them. This is a serious strain on you, so make sure you look after yourself too. I suppose at least contacting a support agency for advice will give you some reassurance that you're doing the right thing.

james.xix

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

How old is she, OP?


She tells you about being suicidal, runs off after an arguments, texts you and you come running and beg her to come home. That smacks far more of control and emotional blackmail than anything else.

It's a really, really unhealthy behaviour and I think if she's still at home you should let her family know what she's doing so they can get the appropriate help, either way, I'd put your relationship on hold until she gets the help she clearly needs.

Best of luck

She's 27.

Ickle Magoo

Does she still live at home or do you live together? Would she go to her GP and tell them what she has done and how she feels? Is she interested in getting help?

I think it's all very well you wanting to "get her help" but unless she seriously wants to help herself there is very little you can do.

james.xix

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

How old is she, OP?


She tells you about being suicidal, runs off after an arguments, texts you and you come running and beg her to come home. That smacks far more of control and emotional blackmail than anything else.

It's a really, really unhealthy behaviour and I think if she's still at home you should let her family know what she's doing so they can get the appropriate help, either way, I'd put your relationship on hold until she gets the help she clearly needs.

Best of luck

I'd no choice to come after he last night, it was dark and no place for a woman to be left alone walking a street.
She's 27 as I say, she's has lived at home though until she moved to the city I'm living in a few months ago.
Some family members of hers are counsellors and they made her realise last time the pain she'd cause if she was to end her life.

I love the girl but this is messy. I told her straight noone should have to put up with this sh*t and also no angels, not that I believe in those things, would want anyone to harm themselves nor can anyone die and expect to come back as someone's angel. Crazy stuff.

james.xix

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Does she still live at home or do you live together? Would she go to her GP and tell them what she has done and how she feels? Is she interested in getting help?

I think it's all very well you wanting to "get her help" but unless she seriously wants to help herself there is very little you can do.

She's moved to the city I'm in not too long ago.
I think she would go to a GP. She did ask me a question recently would being out of work make her think about things too much. Also she said she needed to talk to someone, i.e. someone professional, about somethings.
It's only last night I kind of found out the full extent. It appears before she moved city's to where I am in, she had contemplated suicide, had a text written to send me, and wanted to become an angel to me.

At least she did notice herself a few weeks ago she might need some help. I'll encourage her to go with that.
I can't really talk to her family about it, I think that should be for her.

So every time you's have an argument she walks off and wrights up a message saying she is going to commit suicide?

Have a feeling she might be using it so she comes out on top with you being all worried etc.

If not, bring her to a GP.

Moomoo1

OP, this is very serious. Whilst no doubt many people use threats of suicide as a tactic (with no intention of carrying through the threat) the statistics suggest that a significant proportion do indeed go on to kill themselves. And this isn't something you can take chances with.

Zen65

james.xix wrote: »

Before we met, she attempted to kill herself once, she jumped into a river and thankfully survived.

james.xix wrote: »

She survived because she is a good swimmer,....

I understand that the nature of Boards means you can't put too much detail into your posts, but when I read these two sentences, I wondered how a good swimmer can attempt suicide by jumping into a river. Did she jump from a great height?

It certainly comes across as being manipulative, though if she really has any sort of suicidal tendency it's very hard for you to cope with. It sounds like she needs professional help, you cannot deal with this yourself.


Be at peace,

Z.

Unique User Name

Hi. I once faced a similar situation with an ex gf myself. In her case it wasn't done for manipulation purposes and she never said it after a fight. She had been abused as a child and had some self esteem issues. I always had an underlying fear that she would attempt this again and that was no basis for a relationship. Essentially the relationship ended because of this.

My advice would be to seek out help from a counsellor but I fear that with these types of things it never really goes away. So I would have a serious think about the relationship and understand what you are getting into. I didn't. Relationships are difficult at the best of times and in this scenario it will be a lot tougher. Best of luck whatever you do.

metrovelvet

That she wants to be an angel suggests she wants transformation. She's crying out for change not death.

peanuthead

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Hi
Your girlfriend just learned to work herself into a state and threaten suicide as a means to end every argument and gain sympathy and love.

To be honest, I really don't like comments like that. Its comments like that which prevent people who are actually suicidal from telling anyone and trying to get help. Which can inevitably end up being their demise. The first thing people always say when someone commits suicide is "He/she never said anything about feeling low". Well of course he didn't - he would have been told he was attention seeking.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. When you feel suicidal and you tell someone about it, what that means is that you do feel this way but you don't want to. It's a cry for help to someone they love and trust.

Please do not throw that back in her face by telling her she's only looking for attention.

She does need help from people like pieta house though. You do need to be there for her but she needs to respect the fact that you're not depressed and that as hard as depression is on the person who has it - it's just as hard on the partner who hasn't. I know that too.

The very best of luck to you both.

tenchi-fan

peanuthead, I didn't mean anything bad by what I said. I stand by it.

I'm not advising the op to tell his gf what she's doing - She probably isn't aware what she is doing. The suicide threat is her refuge and it works for her. It's a form of manipulation, whether she realises what she is doing or not.

Once the op's gf gets professional help she will learn that she needs better ways to cope with her problems.

Moomoo1

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I'm not advising the op to tell his gf what she's doing - She probably isn't aware what she is doing. The suicide threat is her refuge and it works for her. It's a form of manipulation, whether she realises what she is doing or not. .

by that logic admitting to virtually _any_ problem is manipulation. If I told you I had a broken leg and needed help getting upstairs, would that be manipulation? Well, feeling suicidal is a medical problem, just like a broken leg.

but there's a more important issue here. People on this board really love going on about trust. Things like 'thou shalt not check your partner's mobile because you need to have TRUST', or 'thou shalt not worry if your partner goes to a nightclub until 7AM and doesn't invite you because you need to have TRUST', and so on. But surely this is also an issue of trust: he needs to trust her in that she is honest about her problems and not making it up to manipulate him (whether consciously or not)?

tenchi-fan

Giving you help to get upstairs would be a reasonable request if you had a broken leg.
On the other hand, if you didn't have a broken leg but told me you did, you are being manipulative. The solution would not be to put your leg in a cast.

james.xix

Thanks to everyone for their replies. It's really appreciated. I'd like to reply back as well.

Mak_United:
Myself and my gf have had many arguments before. This has never come up.
A few weeks ago my gf said being out of work might be leading to her thinking too much and she felt she needed to talk to a professional about it. It's only lsat night I figured out what she meant, she was crying out for help then.
I spoke with her today and she admits she needs to deal with these lows, talk to someone about it and does not want to be in a position in ten years time where she has not dealth with it.

Moomoo1:
I know it is very serious. It's not a tactic despite what people on here might think. It's not something I will take a chance with but nor am I going to walk away from my gf. I think with the right help and the right attitude she'll be ok. Her big worry is what I will think about her if she is speaking with a professional.

Zen65:
It's through that a good swimmer probably would not drown. My gf does daft things in the kitchen at times, logic kinda goes out of the window at times from the funniest to the more serious things.

It could be seen as manipulative but it was not. I'd know if it was and wouldn't put up with it. Everyone needs to take into account the time of night. It was near midnight in a city and was no place for a woman to be on her own. I know I cannot deal with it, she will need help.

Unique User Name:
My gf didn't exactly say it after a fight and didn't exactly say what she was going to do. She sent that text alright though about becoming an angel of mine, last night I had to go after her to be sure she was safe regardless.
It's probably no basis for a relationship and will make things different, but feelings aren't like a tap. She needs help and I'll stand by her. I hope things work out but I know well in life, there are no certainties.

Thanks for you well wishes.

metrovelvet:
I'm not sure if it's trnasformation or what but she seems to have gotten some idea in her head that if she died, she'd be my angel and be able to guide me. I don't believe in angels but I'm pretty sure that is not what it is about.

peanuthead:
I'd agree with what you said. A few weeks ago my gf mentioned something about feeling low but I didn't pay much attention and dismissed it. She knows she's in a low but wants help. I'll look to help her with that. She clearly has issues she has to deal with and I can accept I probably can't help her with this but support her.
I haven't thrown anything back in her face but at the same time I'm not walking around broken glass either.
Thanks for your well wishes as well.

tenchi-fan:
I wouldn't say suicide is a refuge. Some people do have lows and don't deal with it. When my gf told me how she looked to do it before, I couldn't really relate to it because she seemed fine. I'd be a bit shook after last night and worried for her. In life, people can distinguish something genuine to something manipulative.
I hope we do get it sorted.

Moomoo1:
It's true, people on this board do like to talk about trust. While replies are welcome, they have to be taken with a pinch of salt as well. I do trust her on this anyways, it is genuine and she needs help. She dropped a hint a few weeks ago she was feeling low. She's also moved city recently to be nearer to me. She doesn't make an issue of that but it's not easy as she doesn't know many people here. We have our life and times together but she needs her own life as well and I'm sure that is hard.

Thanks again to everyone, I've had a good chat with my gf tonight.
I like dellas' logic

dellas1979 wrote: »

James - I dont know if she knows that - I would think she'll try it again to see what boundaries she can cross/how far she can push it.

Can I ask, when she jumped in the river, how did she get out/survive?
Was it a cry for help/attention more than a suicide attempt?

If she is into angels, she should really listen to them (thats what you are supposed to do - angels cannot interfer with freewill but can influence you) and I am 100% sure they would not want her committing suicide. Maybe not dying on attempt was their way of helping her. Use the angels thing to your advantage.

I think that point in bold hit home.

Novella

Threatening you with suicide like that is bang out of order. I have no idea if your gf really is suicidal because I don't know her, obviously. All I can say is that you should not be treated like this. You can't think it's okay for you and your gf to argue and for her to run off and text a message you know is connected with her dying. It sounds terribly immature and attention seeking to me.

I do imagine your gf needs help though. First port of call would be GP. Her behaviour even as it stands is not normal.

Moomoo1

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Giving you help to get upstairs would be a reasonable request if you had a broken leg.
On the other hand, if you didn't have a broken leg but told me you did, you are being manipulative. The solution would not be to put your leg in a cast.

Of course. But my point was that the fact that some people faking medical conditions doesn't mean that genuine cases shouldn't be helped. And you have to presume any case is genuine unless having strong evidence to the contrary.

peanuthead

Threatening suicide when you dont mean it is out of order.

Threatening suicide when you do mean it is a serious cry for help.

In my opinion, this is how it goes. Your girlfriend has issues that are unresolved. These are things she has been desperately trying to keep under control and she is losing that control.

Being out of work is not helping as she said herself, she's got more time to think now. However, the ironic thing is that it is helping her. Thesd issues are coming to the surface because they want to be dealt with. Now that she has no work or whatever to occupy her time, there is nothing to keep those issues at bay.

My counsellor gave me an analogy of a sponge and a bucket of water. You can do what you like to keep that sponge underwater, but it will always return to the surface.

These issues began somewhere long before you and will continue long after you if she doesnt sort them.

I chose to get help because I didnt want my children to be raised in the kind of environment I had been in and the kind that I could see myself creating.

That desire to end her life is being confused with a desire to end the way if life she has become used to.

Its a frustration born from the inability to just think about things normally.

You also said that your gf is generally normal, well that was EXACTLY how I described myself to my gp when I went looking for help.

She told me that we're all great at handling life when its going well. We're all generally 'normal' most of the times.

Its when things get tough that we have to learn how to cope. Some of us need help with that.

It sounds like she does. I did too and 2 years later I'm winding down and feel great. My mind has been cleaned out, my issues faced and although they are not gone , they never go, I know how to deal with them and am at peace with them.

If you want to talk about it in more indepth terms you can pm me. As I dont know your gf I cant be sure but she sounds a lot like I once was.

Sorry if this is hard to read, i'm texting from mobile for first time!

Lady von Purple

I'm really surprised by how many people think this is just an attempt at manipulation or a way to win an argument. Some people do that, but there's no reason to automatically assume that the OP's girlfriend is one of those people! The suggestions of going to a GP, getting counselling or calling the Samaritans and other helplines are the best suggestions the OP is likely to get. I grew up in an area with a very high suicide rate, so I wanted to reply to this thread and just say, OP, your attitude is a really commendable one and I hope your OH gets the help she needs.

up for anything

I don't know why you feel you shouldn't contact her family. Is it because you don't know them? If it was my child behaving like your girlfriend I would certainly appreciate being told. It strikes me that if what she told you was true (about the swimming suicide before she met you) that she has had this problem long term and her family may know the type of help she needs. She may well be 27 and an adult but she is still someone's little girl.

You should perhaps tell her that there isn't much point to her killing herself in order to become an angel and guide you as you wouldn't accept guidance from an 'angel' who couldn't guide herself.

DR Electrical

my ex girlfriend was simmilar i struggled too stay with her cos she wouldnt open up,we lived together but still wouldnt open up too me or any of are friends.one minute she would be angry and depressed the next she was happy and full of laughter.we finally broke up after 4 years.she met some one else who i belive didnt under stand her.
she commited suicide last easter....ive not been the same since..we all feel if she got more help and opened up more she'd still be here,if she seen the 100s of people at her funeral who loved her shed still be here.
make sure your girlfriend knows you and all her friends love her and are there for her,and if she still feels depressed or sucidal get profesional help.
i hope all works ot for yea

peanuthead

DR Electrical wrote: »

my ex girlfriend was simmilar i struggled too stay with her cos she wouldnt open up,we lived together but still wouldnt open up too me or any of are friends.one minute she would be angry and depressed the next she was happy and full of laughter.we finally broke up after 4 years.she met some one else who i belive didnt under stand her.
she commited suicide last easter....ive not been the same since..we all feel if she got more help and opened up more she'd still be here,if she seen the 100s of people at her funeral who loved her shed still be here.
make sure your girlfriend knows you and all her friends love her and are there for her,and if she still feels depressed or sucidal get profesional help.
i hope all works ot for yea

Really sorry to hear that DR Electrical.