Found out what people really think of me..

LegacyUser

About me: 19. lad. i'm totally hopeless when it come to relationships, I cant pull in a nightclub because I think I just make a fool of myself, so I don’t really try. Low self esteem, confidence, definitely the best looking etc etc. i kno the most of the time id be rejected if i made a move on someone, so i gave up making first moves. but that didn’t bother me to much

I’m really close friends with these two girls that I met in the first year of college, the two of them are really outgoing and active, always involved with guys and kissing and all that. The 3 of us more or less tx everyday and we hang out a lot of the time, none of us are interested in each other were just friends. Were also a part of a bigger group of friends.

Anyway, one day one of the girls left her face book account open on my computer where she was having a private chat with the other girl friend.

They were saying to each other how sorry they felt for me that I never got any girls, how they would get with me out of pity even though they both think I’m extremely unattractive, how terrible my dress sense is, they were saying how they should try to encourage.

I know by the way the go on that they more or less think I’ve no balls when it comes to anything.
They’r always talking to me about who I’m interested in, the length of time since I last got with a girl,

I can’t say it didn’t sting a lot. Don’t know what to do.. really has me down that they think like that about me. they wernt being mean or anything just honest which makes it worse imo..

Zeouterlimits

Do you want to change?
If so, make a list of things you think you'd like to change.
Then a (manageable, tough but achievable) list of how you'll change.

You're 19, tis certainly early days as far as relationships go.

Personally, I would have considered myself very unattractive for years, certainly was single for a long time. But I didn't feel I had to change, I liked (and still do) the person who I was, my interests and lifestyle.
Turns out I wasn't the only one .
The world is a pretty damn big place, there's certainly people out there who'll like you, don't worry.

Ickle Magoo

Do you think being great friends with two outgoing girls that discuss with each other that you are a loser is really going to help your confidence? Friends wouldn't be watching you feel bad about yourself and discussing your dress sense, they'd be trying to help you...perhaps distance yourself a bit from them both to get a bit of time with your male friends and also so other girls don't see you out and about with two other girls and make any assumptions or get intimidated.

Get out and join clubs and meetings for people that share in your greatest interests and try to start feeling better about yourself. If you don't think you are worth having then you're hardly going to be able to convince anyone else you are.

Best of luck!

whatsamsn

From reading what they said about you ... it sounds like they feel for you. But also sounds like they are bi*chy. Then again, they're girls around the same age as you.

Sadly with girls you can get that alot. They'll say what they really think behind someones back.


As for having no coinfidence. Alot of people at 19 havent built their confidence yet. When I was 19 I had no coinfidence (im 25 and a guy) ... i've got more coinfidence now. Still not where I want to be but miles ahead of where I used to be.


As for building confidence... they are the few cliche answers. But the thing is they really work
Update / Change you're waldrobe. Even goto the gym. Confidence is mental. And in my opinion, has to be topped up regularly. Sadly at times in our life we have to build up our own confidence.

Alot of women will use attention of the opposite sex as a confidence booster (going to a pub etc) For most men we dont have that luxuary.

tenchi-fan

Hi. Ignore their words. Women are terrible liars at times. If one of them made a move on you, regardless of whether the other liked you or not, she would be jealous. That's women for you. So if they said you are unattractive, take it with a pinch of salt. Message your photo.. I'm a gay guy and I'll tell you my honest opinion.

as for the unattractive dress sense, that is easily remedied. walk into top man or river island and just copy what the mannequin is wearing.

JonathanAnon

Why dont you try to make something positive out of this... You now KNOW why girls dont find you attractive, instead of wondering why they dont i.e. your terrible dress sense etc etc.... Now that you know, you can tackle the reasons... starting with your dress sense, maybe go to the gym , and make sure that you are making the best of what you have...

whatsamsn

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Hi. Ignore their words. Women are terrible liars at times. If one of them made a move on you, regardless of whether the other liked you or not, she would be jealous. That's women for you. So if they said you are unattractive, take it with a pinch of salt. Message your photo.. I'm a gay guy and I'll tell you my honest opinion.

as for the unattractive dress sense, that is easily remedied. walk into top man or river island and just copy what the mannequin is wearing.

Plus 1 to the entire post. Especially the copying mannequins. Great way of getting style.

And hey, tecnhi-fan just said he was gay. He most likely has more style than me and you put together in his socks. lol. Follow the mans words


But in other aspects, I believe 100% confidence is mental. Getting the girls is mental. You could look great but if you dont have the coinfidence to match, you wont get any. Unless they throw themselves at you.
I would really look into going to the gym.

As in regards with going to the gym. You should. It should be also noted eating right is an AMAZING confidence booster when it comes to hitting the gym it goes hand in hand with going to the gym but it does wonders mate. (basically what I mean eating right cause you've begun to goto the gym)

LC2010HIS

us girls can be very mean.
maybe u should step away from those girls for a while and go, "show" them.
Improve whatever you think needs improving. ask a sales assistant what would suit. esp in topman - heard their helpful. look to male actors etc
then, those immature girls wont be long running back with diff perceptions
im sure ur great !:)

mikemac

Use this as an opportunity

Go to Topman or River Island
Ask the sales assistant for help, they will know about the latest styles.
Sure even just look at them, they will be dressed well in work.
They'll sort you out and mix and match a few options for you.

No shortage of info in the fitness forum.
No point in killing yourself in the gym if you're a diet is a mess so work on that too.

But great clothes and body is nothing with confidence.

Zen65

hopeless:( wrote: »

They were saying to each other how sorry they felt for me that I never got any girls, how they would get with me out of pity even though they both think I’m extremely unattractive, how terrible my dress sense is, they were saying how they should try to encourage.

Many of us were clueless when we were 19.

More than 25 years later I think back to my teen years and realise I misunderstood a lot of the opportunities that were there. I think you've been given one of those opportunities now, and you can chose to grab it or wallow in self-pity for another 3-4 years before life finds another way to wake you up!

Clearly these girls like you. They have agreed you are nice enough to hook up with just to help you develop confidence. They recognise your potential, now you have to realise that.

Start by changing your wardrobe. It's easily done, but to make the best of it you should ask one or both of these girls to help you. They want to, so let them. Ask them about changing your hairstyle too, they will be honest with you if you show you are interested enough, and don't take their comments badly.

You need to work on your confidence. Again, you could let these girls help you or you could try this on your own. Take up a hobby, preferably a physical one, to make yourself more interesting and to develop different types of friends. Confidence comes from knowing who you are and what you like, and improves further when you develop the skill of talking about yourself and listening to others.

I wish that my friends had told me things when I was 19 about how my manner was off-putting. It took many more years before I figured it out.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice, just what i wanted to hear. il try put some of it to practice

irishh_bob

hopeless:( wrote: »

About me: 19. lad. i'm totally hopeless when it come to relationships, I cant pull in a nightclub because I think I just make a fool of myself, so I don’t really try. Low self esteem, confidence, definitely the best looking etc etc. i kno the most of the time id be rejected if i made a move on someone, so i gave up making first moves. but that didn’t bother me to much

I’m really close friends with these two girls that I met in the first year of college, the two of them are really outgoing and active, always involved with guys and kissing and all that. The 3 of us more or less tx everyday and we hang out a lot of the time, none of us are interested in each other were just friends. Were also a part of a bigger group of friends.

Anyway, one day one of the girls left her face book account open on my computer where she was having a private chat with the other girl friend.




They were saying to each other how sorry they felt for me that I never got any girls, how they would get with me out of pity even though they both think I’m extremely unattractive, how terrible my dress sense is, they were saying how they should try to encourage.

I know by the way the go on that they more or less think I’ve no balls when it comes to anything.
They’r always talking to me about who I’m interested in, the length of time since I last got with a girl,

I can’t say it didn’t sting a lot. Don’t know what to do.. really has me down that they think like that about me. they wernt being mean or anything just honest which makes it worse imo..

sounds like you need to make some changes alright , id start by breaking ranks with those two witches you call friends

LegacyUser

I disagree with many of the comments made here referring to the OP's friends as cows, they seem to have picked up on the OP's lack of confidence with the ladies and are doing what friends should do, willing to encourage him to be more proactive with the opposite sex. Admittedly their wording leaves a lot to be desired (saying you are unattractive etc) but at least they are willing to support him and are showing an interest. I would much rather these two as mates than a pair of harpies that belittled me to my face or worse showed complete ambivalence to a situation that was perhaps causing me some upset (just as long as they are mates and not treating me a some kind of pet project but that for you to decide).

As an unattractive balding male with the dress sense of a bag of spuds I can echo some of the comments made here which state that all you really need is confidence and a willingness to put yourself out there which necessitates a willingness on your part to change in some respect, not who you are, just how you see yourself. As mentioned earlier buying new clothes can aid you in this but remember while they say clothes maketh the man it is expected that he should know how to fill them, if you are happy with your dress sense at present then don't change it.

Your a young guy with a lot ahead of you, my advice is that if YOU want a relationship then go out and find a girl, sure you are gonna be shot down in flames many many many times but you only have to get lucky once (not meant in a bad way ) and after a few rejections you will see that its not the end of the world and this will give you all the confidence you need and thats what the worthwhile chicks really dig.

fakeaccent

Don't forget OP that just because your not these two girls' cup of tea doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of girls out there who would find you attractive. It's the same for everyone, personal taste is just that.

When I was in school I remember overhearing a group of girls comforting a 'friend' of mine because someone told her she looked like me, and she was horrified. The things they said were very hurtful.

But I didn't let that shake my confidence over the following years because I take pride in my appearance and my BF doesn't think I'm a minger..hopefully!

Make the most of yourself, get a new haircut, treat yourself to some nice clothes and give yourself a little boost. NO ONE is ugly, you certainly aren't, don't mind those girls at all.

It sounds to me like they're a bit bitchy, those aren't nice comments to make as a friend. True friends don't talk about each other that way.

Bruce7

You need to read between the lines a bit.

Which of the girls was the first one to suggest getting with you? Let's call her Girl A, and the other one Girl B.

B is the alpha female and A fancies you, but feels that she needs B's permission to get with you, and has phrased the whole thing in such a way as to give herself an out if B withholds her permission, hence the whole pity thing, which you should completely disregard.

Girl B is your enemy here. You should start trying to get A on her own, and get some distance between her and B. Before long, B will do or say something bitchy about A, which A will become aware of. At this point, you pounce!

LittleBook

OP, I don't think you read anything there that you didn't already know about yourself, at least subconsciously.

It's very tricky for friends to criticise each other and I've seen lots of posts in here from people wondering whether they should tell the truth or not and it's very divided, particularly when it comes to personal appearance.

What you can do is take something really positive from this. Other than the "get with me out of pity" bit what I get from the "conversation" is that your friends want to encourage you to meet women and would be willing to help you do that.

Use this unfortunate situation to your advantage, boost your self confidence! Talk to your girlfriends and ask them to be honest about what you can do to achieve this.

implausible

I don't know why other posters are being so hard on your female friends.

I think they have indirectly done you a favour, by pointing out how you might become more attractive to women. If these girls choose to hang out with you, then they obviously like you. You must be friendly, kind and good craic, which are all attractive traits in a man. By being friends with them, you have experience of talking to women and probably a good understanding of them. All of these things will stand to you when you do get into a relationship.

You've been given a kick in the a*se and it hurts, but why not use this opportunity? Go shopping with your friends and let them do a makeover on you - women love this and you might be amazed at the results. Your confidence will be the better for this.

Good luck.

mikemac

Plus one for the makeover bit.

When I was in college I had no dress sense at all.
Think I owned a two pairs of years, couple of jumpers. Dressed like a farmer though I grew up on a farm so not suprising realy

I was clueless on clothes.
My housemate went shopping with me, went to all the stores in Galway and got loads of stuff. Plus I learned more what to do in future. I still have most of those clothes.

There was some program big at the time, Queer eye for a straight guy. I never watched it but a lot of the girls in college did. Fashion experts most of them.
Any girl would love to go shopping with you for a few hours

BumbleB

Do you not think it might have been a setup ? .These girls could be your best friends and you dont realise it. Let them help you if theyre your only option but I personally would not get a women to advise me on how to attract the opposite sex.If you want style get an african to advise you ,they are very very good.

LC2010HIS

OP, whilst i agree with some posters here, dont take what these girls are sayin to heart. take it with a grain of salt but dont go putting yourself down. just coz these girls said this, doesnt mean their right.......

LegacyUser

Get a job and go to the gym, everything else will take care of itself.

If you decide not to do this, remember it in a few years when you're still miserable. This is the cure.