My sister has a weight problem, can you help me?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am very concerned about my sister's weight. She is in her mid-twenties and has been overweight since she was a baby. Now she is a very unhealthy weight, I imagine a doctor would define her as obese.

What I am most concerned about is the fact that she doesn't seem to recognise the dangers she faces being very overweight. In fact she criticises other peoples unhealthy eating habits and weight problems as if she has no problem herself.

Earlier this year she paid membership to a gym and I thought things were looking up. Sadly she has only gone 3 or 4 times, even though she says she enjoys it. I have more recently noticed her trying to eat junk food (chocolate, crisps etc) when no one else is around. She also eats late at night when she thinks everyone is gone to bed. She gets very agitated if someone notices the wrappers in the bin or even sees her eating the junk and will accuse the person of spying and sneaking around.

In our family everyone tip-toes around her as she has a terrible nasty temper. I have tried the usual tactics, asking her to go for a walk and giving her healthy recipes, tips on how to reduce the carbs etc. This is not working. She knows she is overweight but has no motivation to change this. She always says things like 'I know I could lose a few pounds but I'm not as bad as such and such down the road', when in fact she is several stone bigger than the person she talks about.

Is she fooling herself? How do I get through to her that her health is at serious risk? I am so worried.

LegacyUser

She has to want to lose weight for herself. Overweight people often don't realise just how bad the problem is. This may sound like a superficial question, but does she look after herself in terms of wearing attractive clothing and jewelry and makeup, or does she not really care how she looks? If it's the latter, then I'd think the problem is some kind of emotional issue, like she just doesn't care.

If she's image-conscious, then she probably genuinely finds it painful to admit she has a weight problem and finds the idea of "opening up" about this very daunting, like admitting she's suffering. It's quite a personal thing. You describe her as having a terrible temper: this is a sign of someone who is very unhappy, most likely about themselves. So instead of dealing with it they project their anger onto others.

My advice would be to have a sitdown with her and to directly but gently broach the topic. Tip-toeing around it has not worked. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see how you'd like to be approached about it. It's not going to be pleasant, but the alternative is worse. You can offer her support, advice, understanding. She'll probably get pissed at you at first, but if it were me, I'd appreciate the talking-to.

LegacyUser

She needs to have the motivation to do it herself, unfortunately nothing you or anyone else can say or do will influence her. From the age of about 10 I was grossly obese and despite being teased mercilessly about it, and despite my family and friends encouraging me to lose weight I didn't do it until I felt good and ready. I don't know quite what changed for me other than I woke up one day determined and in about 5 months had gone from size 18 to size 8. I just realised the time was right for me, nothing anybody else said got through to me. Your sister will either want to do this on her own eventually or she won't and my only advice would be to tell her honestly that you're worried about her health, promise never to mention it again unless she does and leave it at that. I'd imagine the last thing you'd want is for her to end up resenting you so unfortunately it's an issue you can't push.

username123

It sounds to me like she is in denial. I never understood how strong denial could be until I experienced it with my alcoholic father. Loads of what you say about your sister was true of his psychological reactions - he would run down other people and criticise their drinking habits and behaviour while his was 10 times worse, he had a nasty temper and everyone walked on eggshells around him, he snuck around drinking late at night or secretly and became extremely angry if anyone mentioned anything about empty bottles etc..

I would think your sister knows she has a problem but is staying in denial because she is not able to deal with the problem. There is probably a fair amount of family enabling going on to avoid the bad temper. Im in no way familiar with people with food issues but a lot of the emotional/behavioural stuff sounds similar to alcoholic behaviours - where the person is manipulating people around them so that they can indulge their addiction.

I would agree with the previous poster, stop the tip toeing, broach the subject directly, calmly and without any kind of anger or blame or anything that would make her feel guilty. Go for the kind of 'jolly hockey sticks' approach, direct, brisk, 'here is a problem, let us help you deal with it' type of attitude. Offer support and advice. But you can only help her if she wants help - you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for responding.

@ anonymous irish person, Yes to a certain extent she looks after herself. She dresses up very well when going out. She is an intelligent, successful, very popular and social person. However she is a slob (sorry thats harsh) at home, very lazy. I know she knows she has a weight problem. I am so aware that criticising someones appearance can have disatrous effects, I just don't want to make it worse. She can be very stubborn. I wish she could see the light so to speak. Thank you.

@ sisibe, I agree with you, she needs to be motivated to do it herself and I feel if I became a nag she would do the opposite. Congrats on your success, it is amazing and gives me hope that things can change.

@username123, your post sent alarm bells ringing in my head. We also have an alcoholic in the family, whos behaviour at the start of the addiction was similar to the behaviour I described. Hiding drink, criticising others, temper etc. Of course it got much worse than that. I have often seen stark similarities in both their characters. And you are right about the temper thing too, everyone is essentially afraid to open their mouth for fear of a screaming tantrum and insults. Sadly I am too aware of the fact that I cannot change her or anyone (the alcoholic has proven that without a doubt). Thanks for your input.

So, my options are either leave her be and hope for the best or have a frank discussion letting her know my concerns. I may go with the latter as a last resort and hope that she actually hears me this time...

tenchi-fan

unfortunately there is no such thing as overweight anonymous. everyone tip toes around being overweight as if it's some sort of disability.

She could very easily see you as an enemy if you try to make her see the error of her ways. ideally, see if you can force her out of this fat comfort zone she has fallen into. If you parents let her live at home and raid the presses, they should consider keeping the presses empty. If this is not possible, they should encourage her to move out and take control of her life. A press full of chocolate isn't doing her any good.

Tell your parents to not buy any junk food, i know that might be unfair on the rest of the family but junk food is bad for anyone none stop.

If you's stop supplying the junk then that is her access to it gone, obviously she can go out and buy her own but you say she eats late at night, next time she walks into the kitchen and looks there will only be fruit.

Also get your mother to talk to her about it. I know your her sister and you love her dearly but it really isn't your place to judge. More of a mother/father job.