Can't let go of ex

LegacyUser

Hi

I've been single for a few months now. Before, I had been in a long distance relationship (within Ireland) for about a year and a half. The circumstances of the breakup (I broke up with her) were traumatic for both concerned, and to be honest I don't think I've dealt with the breakup mentally at all. I think I've just put it in a little box and tried to get on with my life, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'm worried that I'm depressed. I've been drinking a lot more than I used to, although socially with friends. My life these days consists of just going through the motions, going to work, coming home, watching movies or playing xbox, and going to bed at 2 or 3am, getting up at 9 to go to work. The only break in this routine is going out to the pub as I mentioned above, on the weekend. At night I find it hard, as time with my thoughts inevitably leads me to my ex and what happened. I miss her a lot and the fun we had together, but the situation is such that neither of us would get a warm welcome from our respective partner's friends or family.

To give some background on the breakup - it's quite long winded. It was a long distance relationship but within Ireland. Due to her work obligations, she couldn't visit me so I did all the travelling. Her job totally dominated how we spent our time together, and made spontaneity or flexibility very hard. They even made her take up and move counties to a different store. The job had her run down so much that more or less once a month she would be sick. She complained about it constantly, like the hours, her boss etc, yet she would always go along with it and not stand up for herself. Whenever we went out with her friends or her family, ALL they talked about was the latest injustice committed against her by her employer. It felt like there would be no room for me in the relationship, that her and her job would account for all the news and drama, and it would be one big uninterrupted cycle of negativity.

I also felt that she told me that no matter how much she told me she loved me, she would also take me for granted and have double standards on certain things, like getting in a big strop if I couldn't come down the odd weekend, but then deciding on a whim that she would want to go to a music festival with her friend she sees every day in work and just exclude me. Another great example was when she booked flights for a holiday we were supposed to be going on together and telling me two weeks afterwards - I wasn't sure of when I could go when we decided we were going to go away due to work commitments (she ended up going without me)

A final example was when my niece's communion was on the same day as her Dad's 60th, and I told her I'd try to make it both, but that I might not be at the dad's party as the ceremony was parents and godparents only, and my niece's party only started at 4pm and with the travelling and all I'd be arriving close to midnight so there wouldn't be much point. She flipped out and told me she expected me there, even if it meant me skipping out early on my niece's party and dragging me across the country, not getting to enjoy either event, purely so she wouldn't look bad (or so she perceived) because her sisters partners would be there and I wouldn't.

I bent over backwards every weekend I had in order to see her, but sometimes felt she would forget this and do what she liked without considering me. If I tried the same, she would let me know in no uncertain terms she was unhappy. Eventually, resentment set in and kept building from me until eventually the break up happened, and I found myself where I am now.

She emailed me on Sunday with the lyrics to "It's a wonderful world" by James Morrison, nothing else. This came as such a surprise to me. We had been in touch since the breakup via text but the conversation always either fizzled out or degenerated into a full blown row with her calling me names and threatening to go and score other people.


I sent her back a youtube video of a song I like which is about being strong and keeping the chin up. She reciprocated with "Lover, you should've come over" by Jeff Buckley.
We got to chatting online and texting, and she told me she still loves me a lot and is finding it hard to move on. She texted me now tonight telling me how much I've broken her heart and how she feels I lied to her by using her as GF to "tide me over" and that it was never about her!!

Needless to say this has totally screwed with my head and set me back. I just try to keep reminding myself of why I broke up with her but I find that it's not really working. People keep telling me to put myself out there and meet someone new, but I don't feel ready for that. I reckon if I did, I would just be trying to recreate with my ex and would be constantly reminded of her. This would be totally unfair on the other person and would also not benefit myself.

I'd really appreciate any constructive advice people might have, thanks.

Moomoo1

It's very hard to say anything on the little info you provide. But supposing you said 'ok, we can get back together, but only if you respect some (small number of very reasonable) ground rules': do you think she'd be able to adhere to that?

mitsy

Hi OP i know how you feel and i know how much of a struggle it is. I was in a similar situation recently, in that i was completely taken for granted in my relationship and had to end it.

It makes the break up so much more difficult when its your decision to end it even if you still love the person but you are ending the relationship because it is not based on an equal footing. You are being hurt by her actions, her insensitivity, her lack of consideration for your input into the relationship and no matter how much you try to explain this, it doesnt seem to get through.

If you think about the email she sent to you, its all about her and what the break up has done to her but there is no indication of how you might be feeling or no thought put into what might be the reasoning behind the break up. That to me would signal someone who is selfish, immature and inexperienced. Is that the kind of person you want in your life?

So think about yourself and what you want and need in a relationship. If this girl can provide those things then really consider your next move, otherwise you have to move on and let go of the feelings you have for her.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Thanks for your replies. Mitsy you're bang on the money - I said that to her last night, that I had the right to act on my feelings if I wasn't happy and that the ease with which she can tell me she loves me one minute and call me names and accuse me of using her the next was really disturbing one of the main reasons I stayed away from getting back with her.

I'm more than happy to stay friends with her and maintain and cordial relationship but otherwise I can't see it working out. I guess I'm sad for the future we won't have together and nostalgic for the buzz of when we first got together - it was really so exciting as I never did the long distance thing before and there was a sort of novelty to it. I forgot to add that we actually broke up before around this time last year, though it was her who did the breaking up. I remember being so upset about it at the time but it's amazing what time can do to your attitudes towards a relationship.

I just hope things get a bit easier from now on. This has been going on for months and I feel that I'm running out of energy to deal with it. Each time she contacts me it's really draining.

KarenR1981

breakups are really hard - I am broken up with my ex since Dec and its actually gotten worse with time - originally I was happy to be out of the relationship and the arguments took their toll and I was grateful of the piece and quite.....but now the things we were arguing over I dont care about anymore - I feel bad for the problems I created and accept my share of the blame instead of blaming him - but I cannot stop loving him - we meet up once or twice a week I call over to our home where he stayed and we just hang out and I see how we used to be - I know how difficult things must be for you but dont get into anything until she accepts her share of the blame - she will figure it out eventually like I did and will come running like I am - but its up to you what way you want things to go
At the moment I am not putting pressure on my ex to see where we are going but I dont want to be investing my heart any further without some hope

D-Generate

Stop talking to her and trying to justify your position as to why you broke up. Its only going to suck you back in. If she sends you a message you don't have to respond. You made a decision, you feel (and it looks) like the right one, now just stick with that decision and avoid her.

I am speaking from experience where I kept having to try and justify my reasons for why myself and an ex should not be together and she eventually roped me back in to the relationship. Needless to say, nothing had changed and she was still a cow and I just had to do the breakup all over again.

Miss Fluff

There is always one common denominator without fail in threads in the Relationship Issues forum about not being able to get over an ex/going through heartbreak long after the fact. That denomintar is always the fact that the the ex partners are still in contact. Always, without fail.

It's like having a big scab that needs to heal and just when it is starting to crust over, there is this compulsion to pick it and make it bleed.

Being in touch and exchanging chin-wobbling power ballads is very sweet. If she was your girlfriend. She is not, she is your ex. And your ex for a number of (very good) reasons which you have highlighted above. I know when you break up with someone it is really really tough, I have been there, and it is a horrible old experience, my heart goes out to you.

But if you want to really and truly get over her though you have to cut contact. Just completely cut contact. No texts, no emails, no calls, no IMs - nothing. The longer you are in touch with her, the longer you are delaying the healing process which essentially means you are also putting your own happiness and future on hold. Don't waste your time.

I can absolutely promise you 100% that if you follow my advice, you will get over her much quicker and begin to enjoy life again.

mitsy

I know exactly what you are saying about the future and what things might have been like, i spent a long time thinking the exact same things when i broke up with my ex and it added to the heartache. I felt so angry at my ex for allowing things to get so bad, for not giving us a chance, for taking me for granted and therefore ruining any chances of a future together.

The contact with the ex doesnt help either and i completely agree with Miss Fluff. Keeping in contact means the old wounds arent given a chance to heal and everytime she contacts you, you are filled with the feelings of hurt and anger. It sets you back ten paces each time you hear from her. And i know how difficult it is to cut contact cos you still have feelings for her. But believe me it is the best thing to do for both of you. You both need time to heal and the only way to do that is not be in contact and get on with your life.

Take care of yourself!!