Would like a little advice peops ;) (go easy on me, it's my first time!!)

JayC5

Hey,

Just thought I'd post here for the craic as I've never done so before, anyways - to cut a long story short: I'm an (*extremely*) amateur musician but enjoy writing/recording a few of my own tunes as a pastime, I'm a tad bashful about my stuff and only really do it for my own enjoyment but thought what the hell I'd see how utterly trite my lyrical abilities appear to random strangers.

So, below I've posted a few lines that I threw down for a sad little acoustic slow number I'm messing about with. Be as truthful and cutting as possible with your critique (I'm a big boy and I can take it!), I'm just interested to see if it comes across as sickly sweet or dross - thanks in advance folks and yes there's an elements of ladybird book rhyming schematics but it's just the way it came out and kinda suits the song. Ok, scalpels ready, make the first incision

Couldn't decide on a name for it either so it's a toss up between Erase by Numbers / White City Blackouts / Infinity +1 / Anouska - which do you think would suit?





I thought I saw her in Ontario, humming love songs for the lonely. She’s been gone a long time now but she’s still my one & only
She stands in the doorway of my mind, hair just so and leaning slightly to oneside,
The perfume of her skin, the way she held a smile
For you I'd walk wires, a pyromaniac, she sets my foolish heart on fire



On pembroke road look out for my ghost, whose dreams have long since died
As I pause and wonder where you stood or was there sadness in your eyes
don’t go so soon, where am I? Cloud 19, number 38’s your room
through the skylight I watch the rainfall, San Miguel told the truth


I hear you breathing as I watch you sleep, lost in her voodoo, pieces of you and me
She walks on water, talks like spring breeze, she cries diamonds and wipes them on my sleeve
In the stillness She counts the stars at night and I forgot how to feel how not to.
hand in hand staring at the fireflies - you are the perfect moment, your first last kiss good-bye


I’ve lost the atlas to your heart, suppose I've been here before
I survey the switches, pause for leaking gas, I hear her heart beating like Morse Code
It’s me on that street, its me in that picture, but it's you that’s not around
she’s in the frequencies, the silver seconds that count


Like a transistor radio talking in my sleep, or bobbing for coins that day in 83
Don’t let me be the debris, on sinking ships, we’ll go down together.
keeping secrets in brown boxes underneath a sleeper of the day. I feel disconnected and walk between the lines,
it’s not the black you see, but the lack of white


Where did she go, what have I done, did I say something I shouldn't've
Its Tuesday night bout half past ten and I have no words that could make amends
Once upon a time about an hour ago, you were still right here and effortlessly beautiful


Morning comes and goes like the rain,
streetlights and now you’re gone.
All is quiet but for Cicada song

ameeee

It's good. I like white city black outs.

pickarooney

I like it, but am having trouble imagining the tune

JayC5 wrote: »

Couldn't decide on a name for it either so it's a toss up between Erase by Numbers / White City Blackouts / Infinity +1 / Anouska - which do you think would suit?

Id' go for White City Blackouts also

I thought I saw her in Ontario, humming love songs for the lonely. She’s been gone a long time now but she’s still my one & only
She stands in the doorway of my mind, hair just so and leaning slightly to oneside,
The perfume of her skin, the way she held a smile
For you I'd walk wires, a pyromaniac, she sets my foolish heart on fire

It's confusing that you switch to 'you' and back again to 'she' when talking (I presume) about the same person. It's also not clear who you're calling a pyromaniac. Maybe try 'my pyromaniac'?

On pembroke road look out for my ghost, whose dreams have long since died
As I pause and wonder where you stood or was there sadness in your eyes
don’t go so soon, where am I? Cloud 19, number 38’s your room
through the skylight I watch the rainfall, San Miguel told the truth

I don't understand the use of the Kavanagh quote.

I hear you breathing as I watch you sleep, lost in her voodoo, pieces of you and me
She walks on water, talks like spring breeze, she cries diamonds and wipes them on my sleeve
In the stillness She counts the stars at night and I forgot how to feel how not to.
hand in hand staring at the fireflies - you are the perfect moment, your first last kiss good-bye

Again, the switch between you/her/she is really confusing. How many people are you talking about?

I’ve lost the atlas to your heart, suppose I've been here before
I survey the switches, pause for leaking gas, I hear her heart beating like Morse Code
It’s me on that street, its me in that picture, but it's you that’s not around
she’s in the frequencies, the silver seconds that count


Like a transistor radio talking in my sleep, or bobbing for coins that day in 83
Don’t let me be the debris, on sinking ships, we’ll go down together.
keeping secrets in brown boxes underneath a sleeper of the day. I feel disconnected and walk between the lines,
it’s not the black you see, but the lack of white


Where did she go, what have I done, did I say something I shouldn't've
Its Tuesday night bout half past ten and I have no words that could make amends
Once upon a time about an hour ago, you were still right here and effortlessly beautiful


Morning comes and goes like the rain,
streetlights and now you’re gone.
All is quiet but for Cicada song

The rest is really nicely written.