Male Friend's strange behaviour towards me

John400

I'm a 37 year old single male who has three main male friends, two of them are married with kids and one is a single bloke like myself, he's 38. He still lives at home, i live away from home.

Over the years i've been socialising with one of the married friends and my single male friend normally on Saturday nights. Nine times out of ten i would contact my male single friend to tell him i would be calling over to his house. He would rarely contact me.

Anyway, around last Christmas i was busy and out socially with family, going to sports events/gigs so i didn't see my single male friend for 3/4 months. I then went back out with them for the first time in a while, my married friend was slagging me (nothing malicious) asking where i had been etc...but i sensed my single male friend had an issue with me.

This situation with my single friend gradually got worse when i was elsewhere for a couple of weekends after that, i texted him to say i was available to go out on the Saturday night...but he was already out with my married friend in a pub watching a rugby game (didn't tell me)..it got even worse that night when my single friend refused to text me back, so my married friend had the courtesy to tell me where they were by texting me back. I replied to his text but left them to it.

The following weekend in the afternoon my mother went to the local pub with a neighbour and my 'mate' was down the pub with a guy we both know from Cork (again not invited). My mother texted me to fill me in, she was unimpressed with his behaviour as usually i would be invited along. She said hello to him but didn't confront him.

I was talking to close male neighbour and his opinion was that my 'mate' was deliberately leaving me out of the loop by not letting me know when he was out/not inviting me. Five or six other family and friends have told me that they find my male friends behaviour particularly strange.

Since his refusal to reply to me, i've gone out and done different things/gone to different places/pubs and enjoyed myself. I now haven't seen him for 4 months, i'm a quiet sort of bloke and normally i would be worried about what he/other people would think, but i'm being a bit more independent now.

Also, another issue was that this male friend/other friends always make an issue of it if i haven't seen them, but if other mutal friends do other things for 4/5months and return back to the pub nothing is said!

What do you think of this 'mate's' behaviour towards me?
Am i right doing my own thing?

LegacyUser

I don't think your story is all that unusual - human nature is that friendships (and all relationships) dwindle over time. If you dont see someone for three of four months you are not going to be as close to them afterwards, in some cases you may never be friends in the same way again.

redhed35

i totally agree with doing your own thing,cast your net and make new friends.

the married ones seem ok,your single friend seems to have the hump with you or just being a complete jerk.

people have lives,its unreasonable for anyone to think your sitting at home waiting for them to text you to go out!

3 or 4 months,thats nothing.

i have found with long standing friends if we dont talk for a few weeks its no big deal,we just pick up where we left off.

enjoy your own life,dont worry about what 'jim will fix it' is doing,take his rudeness with a grain of salt and laugh it off.

dolphin city

did you ask him what was wrong - has he said he wanted to ease off a bit or anything like that - or did it all come out of the blue.

I say get on with your life - he will come back if he wants to. Don't hang around waiting for him - take the hint and move on.

Gone Drinking

Did you make any effort to contact your friend, or offer to take him along at any stage during those 3/4 months you were off with family or at sporting events? Sounds to me like you didn't and thats why he's giving you the cold shoulder.

Understandable i suppose

Chucky the tree

So you blank him for 3-4 months then when he does the same you throw the toys out? Bit rich.

AnonoBoy

He's not obliged to tell you if he's down the pub with a friend of his.

Persumably he thought you didn't want to be friends because you weren't in touch with him for 3/4 months. It's a perfectly natural reaction.

If a friend of mine didn't talk to me for that long and lived in the same town I'd think they didn't want to hang out either. Just because you've found time to grace him with your presence again doesn't mean he's going to be sitting there waiting for you like an obedient lapdog.

Big Bag of Chips

You were off doing your thing for 3/4 months.. now he's off doing his thing.

Why should he invite you along on his night out with his friend, if you don't feel the need to do the same for him over a 3/4 month period?

EDIT: Also this bit is a bit strange...

John400 wrote: »

I'm a 37 year old single male......

....... my mother went to the local pub with a neighbour and my 'mate' was down the pub with a guy we both know from Cork (again not invited). My mother texted me to fill me in, she was unimpressed with his behaviour as usually i would be invited along. She said hello to him but didn't confront him.

You're 37.. your mate is 38.. Why is your mother involved? Why is she "unimpressed" with his behvaiour.. he's a grown man! and WHY would she "confront" him about anything?!!!

Your both adults, talk to each other as adults and find out what the problem is. And then behave like adults and carry on with, or move on from the friendship.

spinandscribble

um, I read that as his mate was the FIRST to go off on his own for a few months and the op has resulted to the same course of action to find new friends/circles.

Kidchameleon

I have a friend, sometimes we can go a whole year without seeing each other (usually 2 or 3 months) and I have to say he is one of the soundest blokes you'll ever meet. When we do meet up its like we haven't been apart for long.

OP,

I would talk to your single friend, just get whats on his mind out in the open. He lives at home? Could his mother/father be in his ear saying "what are you hanging around with that single fella for, would you not get out there and meet yourself a good woman!"

John400

Chucky the tree wrote: »

So you blank him for 3-4 months then when he does the same you throw the toys out? Bit rich.

Incorrect. Posters are mis-interpreting the situation.

Spinandscribble is correct. I was contacting him but receving no response back.

Big Bag of Chips: why is the fact that i'm 37 strange to you? Also, i think people are mis-interpreting what i'm saying somewhat.

In relation to my mother, i would only normally be in contact with her now and again. I was wondering why she was texting me on a weekend afternoon, she was wondering why my mate was down the pub with a friend of both of us and i wasn't in attendance/not invited when i normally would be. Nothing wrong with that. If anything she was keeping me in the loop.


Big bag of Chips, while we're on the subject of being strange. On one of the ocassions that i did text him to meet (texted his phone), he deiberately refused to text me back/ignored me, so it was up to my married friend who was sitting beside him, to text me back to inform me that they were out earlier in the day.

How do you expect me to react when something like that occurs? It's like me phoning him up, him staying silent on the line/hanging up on me.

Also about him not being obliged to tell me when he's down the pub with a friend of his...the friend in question is a guy i've known for the best part of 20 years!... I'm usually invited now suddenly i'm surplus to requirements?

What my neighbour and some friends have said to me that me putting in the effort and being rebuffed by his outright refusal to let me know where he was and it was only a courteous friend who let me know was downright strange when he was sitting beside my married friend at the time!

I know my single male friend well, and last time i checked he was in a decently-paid job which would allow him to afford at least a 10 euro top-up on his phone! He wasn't out of credit when i texted him!

I would have accepted 'Hi, i went down to the pub early today'.

Beruthiel

Your friend sounds like a teenager in a sulk.
Personally, I couldn't be arsed entertaining someone who behaves like that.
Were I you, I'd stop caring about what's going on in his head and carry on as normal.
Or, just ask him what his problem is with you.

trio

Ask the other two married friends about it. Possibly they've copped on what the story is, if they've been out with him since.

It sounds like not only did you not socialise with him for those 3/4 months over Christmas, but you didn't text him either.

Do you only contact him to go out to the pub?

If someone went out of circulation for 3/4 months and I hadn't heard from him and then popped up asking for me to be a drinking buddy I'd probably think that was a bit rich too.

Your married friend was slagging you off about your absence. So it was noticed. But he's married with a family and too busy to think about it much. It wasn't malicious but that could be just because he's a nice person - not neccessarily an indication of whether he was privately a bit unimpressed.

But your other friend is single and living at home and has way more time to think about how unimpressed he is.

John400

trio wrote: »

It sounds like not only did you not socialise with him for those 3/4 months over Christmas, but you didn't text him either.

Do you only contact him to go out to the pub?

If someone went out of circulation for 3/4 months and I hadn't heard from him and then popped up asking for me to be a drinking buddy I'd probably think that was a bit rich too.

Trio, i refer to the second line of my previous post: i was contacting him but receiving no response back. This was over the mentioned time period.

Surely the relationship works both ways? Is the onus solely on me to continually contact him?

How i am i meant to react when you receive a text mesage from a different friend than the one you where originally texting? i.e i'm ignoring you.

I'd like to think of myself as a reasonable person. Surely in most genuine relationships with friends, your friend would acknowledge you even after a few months? 'Hey, haven't heard from you for a while, what's happening?'

In relation to my text, where i was asking him to go out, if he had texted me back a one-worder 'No'. I would have even accepted that. He's under no obligation to tell me where he is, but a response of sorts would have been nice.

Beruthiel, is right. We're in the realms of childish/teenage type behaviour from him here.

John400

trio wrote: »

Your married friend was slagging you off about your absence. So it was noticed.

Just on this point Trio.

As i've posted previously, if my married friend goes missing for 6 months and comes back into the fold with the three of us- nothing is said.

If my single friend is missing from the fold for 6 months- nothing is said.

If i go missing for 3 months- it's an issue with my single friend. You're right my married friend could be thinking the same way but it's just that he's a genuinely nice to me. (He is by the way).

Here's a question, do i now have to go off and get married, have 2 kids and a dog..to justify going missing from the fold? Not a word will be said then to me.

Big Bag of Chips

John400 wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips: why is the fact that i'm 37 strange to you?

It's not that it's strange, it's just, as you mention yourself bordering on teenage behaviour. Have you rang him about his problem with you?

Stop texting. Ring him. If he doesn't answer/doesn't call you back, then move on. He's not worth the energy. If you meet him out socially (unintentionally), politely say hello.. if you are in the same group carry on as you normally would, but don't invest so much of your energy in him. He's in a sulk over something. If he doesn't tell you what, there's not much you can do about it.

John400

I have rung him yes. He recognises my number and the call stopped at his end.

As i said, he's refused point-blank to reply to me when i texted him that time.

It's teenage stuff, the guy is 38 years of age.

It's almost as if i'm not allowed to be missing when other mates can go to Australia for six months and nobody in my circle of friends bats an eyelid!

I go out with family/other events i'm not seen for 3 months and i therefore don't justify a reply- text or phone! The rest of the lads are grand though!

I'm being independent now and moving on. If the guy contacts me i'll be polite as always.

A family friend was saying to me that i'm the last thing on his mind when he's working during the week, he has his own stuff to think of. As i said normally i would be worried about what he and the group would think, not anymore.

I think it's good in a way to deal with things, and get a bit tougher.
Don't know what other posters think.

MrsA

You and him sound like hormental teenage girls.

Seriously what business was it of your mother to text you that he was in the pub, what are you his keeper, or him yours?

As for all the texting, grow a set and ring him.

Fittle

Have to agree with previous posters and say it sounds pretty juvenile to me.

I know you say he's acting like a teenager OP, by ignoring your calls etc, but you're behaving similarly.
Sounds like Kevin&Perry to me:D

Sorry, but just ring him - cut out the texting - if he doesn't answer calls, then you have your answer. You've probably just grown apart and he feels it more than you. It's no biggie - happens to most friends as they age and their lives take different roads.
Have you asked him about his 'strange' behaviour??? Might be an idea!

dolphin city

i think you should try and forget about him and move on - stay in touch with your other friends and go out with them - if they were your friends before why should you back away from them too.

obviously he has his reasons for backing away from you, but doesn't want to tell you - he doesn't have to tell you if he doesn't want - so just forget about him and move on.

if you really want to call him, then change the number status on your phone to "send caller ID OFF) that way your number will now be shown and he might answer the call.

Chucky the tree

John400 wrote: »

Anyway, around last Christmas i was busy and out socially with family, going to sports events/gigs so i didn't see my single male friend for 3/4 months.
This situation with my single friend gradually got worse when i was elsewhere for a couple of weekends after that

John400 wrote: »

Incorrect. Posters are mis-interpreting the situation.

Did your mate never contact you at all during this time?

freakmagnet

Hmm.. maybe people are mininstrpeting, but you have to admit, the most obvious answer - at least to my mind - is this; they perceive that you do your own thing, and then when you want company/mates, you fall back on them. One mate is rightly p*ssed off with it - the other one agrees with him, but not as emphatically - so he's the one that feels a bit guilty, and texts you back. I think thats the most logical explanation.

They may have got your recent behaviour all wrong - and you haven't been ignoring them at all - but the fact is, thats the way you see it. So, if you want to resolve the problem, and get your mates back - then jump into their reality, reach out, and fix it. If you can't do that, i.e see it from their point of view (even though you know they've gotten the wrong end of the stick), then don't intervene and you'll be less two friends; which maybe fine with you.

Its as simple as that to me.