Friend love: Hurt ahoy

LegacyUser

I've an unusual relationship with someone straight,that I basically love.
Nothings ever going to happen but we're both very close.
When apart for intance, a day doesn't go by without us talking.

We've an understanding to avoid all details of his social life though as I;ve got in to deep in terms of feelings for him.
So we've a don't ask don't tell policy there and aren't facebook friends for example-even though I know I'm as close if not actually closer to him on a connection front.
We're so connected.that it's a travesty he's not gay.

Obviously this set up [it's been going on for years] risks getting busted and eventually in all likelyhood will.
I'm going to get very hurt when he settles down and avoiding whoever he chooses becomes impossible.
He has no problem with me going off with someone obviously as apart from being the nicest bloke you could meet,he has obviously being straight no feelings that way for me.
Miie are just getting more intense though and hence the fear of hurt coming down the tracks,
Add to this the fact.I know all his sibblings very well and theres potential here for a painfull goodbye to them all.
I live in a very nosey area and my sexuality while sometimes questioned is not known to them only my best mate.

So what do I do? could as many people as possible share their thoughts on this.
My job won't allow me to move to a city area anytime soon and I'm intensely shy so my outing myself is not an option locally.
I'm guessing getting a partner to love myself will ease the eventual pain but damn it,thats just too difficult due to me being shy.
I do socialise a bit but all of them are straight and as far as I know theyhave no gay friends.
Also sadly I fear they knowing my story means life where I live gets even harder.

Annasopra

I'm not entirely sure what the issue is here?


Is it that you love your straight friend?
Is it that you feel you can't come out in a rural area?

GalwayGuy92

I'm also not sure of the issue here, or the dynamics of the relationship with your friend.
Does he know the full extent of your feelings? (And thats why you aren't FB friends?).
As for what you should do, I personally don't think you should cut off contact with him if he is your friend. It will hurt to see him go off and settle down with someone who isn't you but you have to decide which will hurt more: Giving him up altogether or keeping him as a friend and seeing him with a woman.

Beruthiel

the unconfirmed wrote: »

Miie are just getting more intense though and hence the fear of hurt coming down the tracks,
Add to this the fact.I know all his sibblings very well and theres potential here for a painfull goodbye to them all.

I think you need to better explain exactly what kind of relationship you have with your friend.
As has been asked already, does your friend know you love and are attracted to him?
If he does and is happy to go along as you describe in your OP, then ok, is that what is keeping you together and a woman coming along would brake whatever that is up?
More details please!

Either way, seems you should broaden your horizons. Get out and meet other people. If there are no gay people where you live, visit dublin for the odd weekend for example.
While you live your life focusing on your friend, you are ignoring life passing you by and basically clinging onto a promise that will never happen.

Annasopra

OP where do you live? - perhaps just mention the county! There are a growing number of LGBT organisations throughout the country

Doop

Not trying to be dismissive in anyway... but I reckon it safe(ish) to assume we've all been there!

I had the very same problem in my teens (not sure what age you are) eventually we grew apart somewhat but are still good mates, and tbh I find it easier like this. And im also good mates with his gf, sometimes its better to stay at arms length, pining after someone you're never going to have isnt good (for you).

Have you a big social circle? Is there anyone else you get on well with?

Nathan Berburoc

Sadly part of really being friends with someone is caring about them for who they really are ,not who you want them to be.While painful for you and unintentional you are projecting your own needs and desires on this person ,and its not their fault.........
As the pervious poster said ,i think we all have been there.its pure maths really because theres more straight people out there for us to befriend then fellow queers,especially when your growing up and no-one is out.

Think about what it is in that person that you are desiring, step back from it and see that its misplaced.You dont have to stop loving them but you have to stop being "in love" with this phantom gay person that they arent
Plenty of people out there to direct that love at man,no need to give up or waste it.But we all know what its like

Rick_

Getting too close to a friend, even a straight one, is never a good idea. The love is 99.99% going to be unrequited and it will only lead to hurt on your part and a possible ruined friendship.

It's not easy to do, but you can't focus all your attention/love on him if he isn't reciprocating. It simply isn't fair on you. You need to maybe reduce contact with him to try and help you not feel so strongly towards him. Try doing some other activities that will not only help you overcome your shyness but also to find new friends and have a wider circle of people to socialise with.

I certainly sympathise, I have been there myself and so have many others. For your own sake, listen to what people are telling you on here and help yourself now before you feel 10 times worse later on down the line when something does happen and you aren't prepared for it. It's tough, but continuing on this way is gonna be even tougher if you don't change the situation soon. Unfortunately that's the plain simple truth of it all. Best of luck, and remember, we're all here to chat and help whenever we can.