How to deal with a lies?

MonkeyBone

Hi All,

I am in need of some advice on an issue that has haunted me for quite some time. It is a long story but I will break it down as best I can.

A couple of years ago I was in a serious relationship with a girl and it lasted 3 years. We broke up because she wanted to see more of life and basically more guys. I was her first boyfriend. The break up isn't the issue for me, of course I went through the typical moping about for a few weeks but there are plenty of fish in the sea as they say and I soon moved on . Now it has been 2 years since our break up and recently I found out the full extent of her or her friends lies as it cost me my relationship with a girl I recently met and am completely in love with.

Basically she or her friends said that I beat her up. Now this is comical if anyone from my area heard it as anyone who knows me knows it is not true. The problem is that her friends saw me together with this new girl and decided to tell her what a scumbag I am (their words not mine). They told her such ridiculous lies about me that border on the insane. They had her convinced that I lied about my dad passing away earlier this year and that I used it as a way to get her sympathy.

I casually asked my ex about this and she said she did hear it but she had nothing to do with telling those lies. I will give her the benefit of the doubt (but I do doubt that she had no part to play in it).

When my dad passed away in January I had only met this new girl and I hadn't even asked her out yet. I have never been the open type and sharing my emotions with anyone outside of my family is hard for me. But meeting this new girl was a breath of fresh air and forgive me for being poetic about this, but she was like sunshine breaking through dark clouds in my life.

I did speak to a longtime friend about this and he told me that the rumour about me beating up my ex was going around for years. I can't believe I was clueless to it and in retrospect it answers a few other questions about remarks passed by other people in the past.

I don't know if this thread will help me figure things out but I am truly upset over this. I never hurt a girl in my life, I never told a lie that would be so horrible as making up that my dad passed away and I have always tried to be a decent person. It may be vanity but my reputation is important to me and I guess I do care about what other people think of me.

My friend suggests that I remain indifferent to it all and the truth will always come out in the end.

I just don't know anymore and any advice is greatly appeciated.

ManOfMystery

A lot of people will tell you to take the higher moral ground in a situation like this, hold your head up high, karma will get them, etc etc.

That's fine if you're a pretty passive person by nature, but personally I think it's better to fight your battles rather than put your head into the sand. With rumours of this nature, some people will interpret your complacency as a sign of guilty.

What's the legalities surrounding defamation of character, slander, etc? If someone was spreading needless rumours that you have one attacked a female (rumours which have no basis or merit whatsoever), then you really should be looking at pursuing legal advice on how to react to these. A solicitor's letter to the girls in question will certainly make them think twice about opening their mouths again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Tough one man.

Possible your ex started the rumours and now feels really really guilty about them. Maybe she felt a need to justify leaving you to people.

Though maybe someone else made it up. There's no way you can ever prove she did anyway.

I think you should confront whoever spoke to your girlfriend and ask why they said it.

I also agree with the other poster about getting a solicitor involved. Your friends are wrong. The truth will not come out in this situation.

EDIT: Talk to a solicitor before confronting girl who lied about you

Miss Fluff

Talk to your solicitor and get them to write a nasty letter to the person who came up to your GF and accused you of this.

Is it totally off between you and this girl now? Why would she not give you the benefit of the doubt?

seamus

Yep, I'd be onto a solicitor first thing. It won't "go away" and the truth won't come out all on its own.

Since your ex's friends decided to tell your new GF about you, then that means that your ex's friends didn't make up these accusations and they regarded the accusations as having come from a very reliable source, i.e. your ex. So they clearly still believe them and you will never get away from them.

The most likely thing that happened is that your ex broke up with you, and everyone regarded you as a decent guy, good boyfriend material. So rather than tell her family and friends that she ditched a good guy in favour of shagging around, she told them that you beat her up and she left. Problem solved - you become the bad guy and her family and friends support her for breaking up with you.

Get to a solicitor who specialises in defamation ASAP.

whatsamsn

I agree with Bottle_of_Smoke and Sheamus.

Its too "coincidently" that your ex girlfriend broke up with you to be with others guys, then her friends tell these lies to your new girl.

I'd stake everything I own that your ex GF told vicious rumours about you all because she wanted to meet other people. Its your classic "dont wanna be the bad guy" syndrome that 99.9% of people have.


As for a solution?


TBH, the idea of going to a solicitor without at least confronting her is a handbags way of dealing with it. Theres no harm in using a solictor as a threat/means of intent... or if you eventually have to. But you got to be a man and confront people first.

Confront your ex gf. Say you know it was her. Say if these vicious rumors continues you'll have to get a solicitor involved (even tho you'll never have proof, its an impactful statement)
Then do what she did. Play spin doctor. Let everyone know she spead these nasty rumors and that if they continue solicitor will be involved.

Simple fact is she tried to make you the bad guy to cover for the fact she wanted to just sleep with others. Rather than being honest. You said yourself, your friend heard that rumor and its being going around for years. People believe those rumors. As proven by your ex's friends. They think they're doing your new girl a favor by letting her know "things" - this has crossed the line too far.



Its deserved OP. You gotta let people know about your ex.

MonkeyBone

Hi guys,

Thank you all for the advice, it truly is appreciated! TBH I am not sure about a solicitor at this point as it feels like the damage has been done. I spoke to the new girl and she said she needs time to think.... she said that it really freaked her out when these random girls (my ex's friends) come up to her one day and started telling her these things.

There also isn't much I can ask my ex about what she may or may not have said as she has gone on holidays to Spain for the next 2 weeks. I would speak to her dad about this as he and my dad were friends for most of their lives and we were always on good terms but I feel that this would be weird so I am not sure. My brother says to chalk it down to experience and move on and I will undoubtedly do that but I also feel like something has been taken away from me.... it is hard to explain but it's like I can't defend myself from all the lies/rumours that may have been said in the past as the harm is done.

I just hope the new girl sees me for what I am rather then the lies of my ex-girlfriend's friends.

Miss Fluff

I don't know OP, I'd still very be an advocate of the legal route. You say the damage is done, I still think some damage limitation is essential. You have proof that certain identified individuals have specifically gone up to the girl you are currently seeing you and defamed your good name by making up lies.

If you sit back and do nothing, when you now know you is spreading these rumours, then I'd just be concerned that it will come back and bite you on the a$$. I think with something as serious as this, leaving a paper trail of defence would do you no harm at all. What if this continues to haunt you, what if you hear back in a few years that you were turned down for that dream job because of your reputation? You need to be proactive and put a stop to this. You need to send out the very clear message to the vicious little perpetrators that you won't tolerate it.

seamus

I'm with Miss Fluff too. Legal action isn't the "handbag's" way out. This rumour is now known well outside the girl(s) who created it. Getting them to admit to you that they made it up, won't stop people believing it and it will follow you around like a bad smell.

There are people who will say that there's "no smoke without fire", and who will claim that even if you didn't beat her up, then you probably did *something* similar to make her say that.

Having a court publically declare that the whole thing was made up, will make people think again about it and will help restore your good name. If you haven't made any public attempt to defend yourself against the rumours, then people take that as evidence that there's truth to the rumours.

Zen65

MonkeyBone wrote: »

Basically she or her friends said that I beat her up. Now this is comical if anyone from my area heard it as anyone who knows me knows it is not true. The problem is that her friends saw me together with this new girl and decided to tell her what a scumbag I am (their words not mine). They told her such ridiculous lies about me that border on the insane. They had her convinced that I lied about my dad passing away earlier this year and that I used it as a way to get her sympathy.

The law is a funny thing. Your statement above suggests that you do not know for sure who said what. The only witness to the stories being told is your girlfriend, and she may not be the most reliable witness* if this ever had to go to court. Would she make a statement to a Garda about this?

Getting a solicitor to write to these girls may stop them telling such tales again. On the other hand, they may be able to use the solicitor's letter as a way of intimating that these stories of your violence have some validity. Imagine a story which goes "I hear that Monkeybone and his ex girlfriend had a very violent relationship. I don't know if it's true but I know there are solicitors involved in it now"

You are right to be annoyed at this behaviour, whoever it is that's spreading the story. Be careful not to let that annoyance drive you into doing something which gives more fuel to the rumour. Maybe you should focus initially on convincing your girlfriend that you are genuine, and that the stories are untrue? It should be very simple to prove that your Dad passed away when you said he did, so perhaps that's an easy place to start?

Be at peace,

Z


* By this I mean only that she may not be able to recall who said what, especially if she was upset by what was being said to her.

spinandscribble

if i was the ops gf once i found out the girls lied about his dad not really being dead, i'd assume they're stirring. Do this op.

JonathanAnon

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Talk to your solicitor and get them to write a nasty letter to the person who came up to your GF and accused you of this.

It might seem excessive, but I would be thinking similar.. If that rumour has made it's way around, it could stop you getting another girlfriend, another job, a loan for a house ... nearly anything. You have the right to your good name, and you need to defend it..

I would think that even just sending the letter may possibly be enough, as it will give them a shock..

ManOfMystery

Op

I think going to a solicitor is the only sensible thing to do. Nobody likes taking legal action, but in some cases it must be done.

I mean - hypothetically - what if you happened to get in a fight in a bar next month, or end up in some situation where the law is involved? And the cops investigating suddenly pick up on the rumour mill that you're known for using your fists? Things like this need to be nipped in the bud immediately, because although you know in your head that you're innocent, no-one else does - and you don't know how it will affect you down the line.

MonkeyBone

Sorry for the delay in responding to your comments guys.

The good news is that my girlfriend says she believs me and trusts me. She said she was shocked by the zeal at which these girls (she didn’t know) were telling her.

I cannot begin to describe how glad I am that she believes me. In the last while it has felt like I couldn’t defend myself from these malicious lies but it has meant a lot to me that my gf and friends showed their trust in me.

Also, in looking back on things, when my ex and I broke up I did find it strange that a lot of my female friends stopped talking to me. Not all of them but a good few. I took this as natural as we had a lot of the same friends and I thought they either wanted to stay out of it or were more friends with her then me. I will admit I was peeved at this in the beginning but I moved on and did not give it a second thought.

TBH I have been quite down about this over the last while and my mate who is dating a friend of hers (and a past friend of mine prior to the breakup) took note of this and asked his girlfriend if she heard anything about this. Well to put a long story short she showed him a facebook mail from my ex that stated that I beat her up when we broke up. Funnily enough everyone who received that mail was female. Now that I have confirmation on who started these lies I am going to a solicitor. I don't exactly know what will happen next in terms of getting a solicitor involved will do but I want an apology and it may be naive of me but I want her to tell everyone that she told in her facebook mail that she lied.



I just want to thank ManOfMystery, Bottle_of_Smoke, Miss Fluff, Seamus, whatsamsn, sunflower27, Zen65, spinandscribble and JohnathanAnon for your advice and support. I was a wreck before I posted this thread but your advice has helped more then I can say.

Miss Fluff

You are more than welcome OP. While I am absolutey horrified that your ex could be such a vicious cow, it looks like you may finally be able to put this awful issue to bed and clear your name at last.

I'd get your hands on a copy of that Facebook email asap so you have actual proof and get the ball rolling with a solicitor now, I wouldn't let it lie.

Des Carter

Hey Op
My advice would be to look up about defamation charges. Im not saying dont get a solicator but is there any way of proving you didnt beat her? I mean how does anyone prove they didnt beat anyone. Again I know nothing about the legal system but just do some research, consider your options or even just talk to your solicator before pressing charges.

MonkeyBone

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You are more than welcome OP. While I am absolutey horrified that your ex could be such a vicious cow, it looks like you may finally be able to put this awful issue to bed and clear your name at last.

I'd get your hands on a copy of that Facebook email asap so you have actual proof and get the ball rolling with a solicitor now, I wouldn't let it lie.

Hi Miss Fluff,

Thank you for your advice. I have a copy of the email she sent and tbh it is shocking to me that she wrote what she did.

She broke up with me and I didn't go around telling lies about her. I had good memories of her before all of this and when we met in passing in the past it was always friendly between us. I guess it is just one of those things that everyone has to go through in life.

The one important thing I can take from all of this though is that I have friends who believed in me (not many but a valued few) and not the lies she told and that my gf trusts me. It still is hard for me to think of all the people who stopped being friendly towards me and my sheer ignorance to this happening.

I am grateful for the advice I received from this thread and it helped me keep a clear head to deal with all of this. I am not going to persecute my ex over this. I expect a written apology of course.

I also hope that she grows up and thinks of the consequences before telling nasty lies like this. I don't want people to hate her though! I was never angry over her lies, just upset and I don't want her to be ostracized for this. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. Maybe it is because I know how it felt over the last few weeks that I knew about it....

MonkeyBone

Zen65 wrote: »

Maybe you should focus initially on convincing your girlfriend that you are genuine, and that the stories are untrue? It should be very simple to prove that your Dad passed away when you said he did, so perhaps that's an easy place to start?

Be at peace,

Z


* By this I mean only that she may not be able to recall who said what, especially if she was upset by what was being said to her.

Thanks for the advice Zen65. I met my girlfriend yesterday and we visited my local area. She met my family and we visited my dad's grave. I first met her during our last year of college but only started seeing each other after we graduated. She is from a different county too so she wouldn't know much about me, my family or where I am from (apart from what I told her). In truth I am not good with sharing my feelings/grief so it wasn't the easiest thing to do but I guess that is why she felt confused over what my ex's friends told her.

I wish she didn't have to deal with this nonsense though but I am grateful that she gave me a chance to prove my innocence. I think my dad would have liked her too (even if she is from Kilkenny and spent the entire day gloating over beating Cork :P).

Anyways, sorry for the long post. I just wanted to thank you for your support and advice.