Rebound or no?

whitehallp

OK to cut a long story short just ended a 15 year relationship last year Hurt a lot but decided to get on with it quickly as I didnt love him for a while mainly because I knew in the back of my mind something was going on (other woman, always moody and drinking)and I shut off a lot from him and buried myself in work. I am a cheerful easygoing person so I couldnt understand his behaviour. Had a few flings had fun then met someone 5 months after I broke up. he was completely lovely and very very into me (not to have a big head but can only see it now in hind sight and from what others tell me). Problem he is 25 , I am almost 34. I look younger I'm told which maybe explains it. It told him my age and about the long term relationship straight away and he said he didnt care he just liked me. I liked him a lot and we got on very well had a lot of fun so no problem? However I really enjoyed teh attention and couldnt understand it properly maybe because I was so used to negative attention and fighting so I maybe played him a bit and pushed him away. Then I couldnt understand when I tried to ask him out again he fobbed me off because I knew he still liked and was attracted to me by the way he looked and paid attention whenever any other guys were around but I could see he was quite hurt. I think he is maybe a bit innocent as has only had a few girlfriends and found me difficult to handle as I didn't know it but was a bit fiery perhaps after the way I had been treated. I see all that now and was wondering if you were a guy would you come back? I really do regret it but I dont think I am a bad person just a bit confused, I know now that I am completely over the ex as he contacted me and I couldnt get off the phone fast enough. I have stopped bothering the guy and gone out with another guy since but I just still think about him and the feelings were quite strong. He was a bit stubborn too maybe because he is young as I tried to explain but got nowhere, does any one have an opinion - maybe I should give up the ghost but I honestly think I liked and connected with him a lot better than I ever did with my ex or any guy I've ever met and I got over the age thing , I dont think it matters I just wasnt used to it as my ex was a few years older than me.

Cheap Thrills!

I'm in a LTR with someone a decade younger. Very similar story to yours, the ex was a kn0b and Im left him. Met this sound younger guy and didn't quite believe it. Thought it was too good to be true and acted accordingly, was always waiting for the 'catch' -as it turned out there was no catch and he was exactly what it said on the tin, a lovely sound guy.

I too was used to constant conflict and arseyness from the ex and it took me a while to adjust to a less cynical attitude and just enjoy the new relationship. I'm glad I did though even though it was strange at first trusting someone.

When you say you played him, what did you do? It kind of depends on what was done whether there is any going back....

AngryBadger

whitehallp wrote: »

I was so used to negative attention and fighting so I maybe played him a bit and pushed him away. Then I couldnt understand when I tried to ask him out again he fobbed me off

He fobbed you off because you messed him around, from his perspective he'd be opening himself up to more of the same.

whitehallp wrote: »

I think he is maybe a bit innocent as has only had a few girlfriends and found me difficult to handle as I didn't know it but was a bit fiery perhaps after the way I had been treated

Whatever experiences you had prior to this guy don't automatically make the maturity shortfall his. To re-phrase these parts of your post;

"I met a guy who was younger than me, messed him about, and now can't understand why he didn't want to see me again afterward, I think maybe he's a bit immature".

Be honest with yourself OP, you weren't very fair to this guy. That doesn't make you a bad person, but your previous experience doesn't oblige this guy, or any other guy, to put up with you messing them around.

In future maybe don't play games with guys who seem genuinely interested in you.

whitehallp

OK well we were out a good few times and it was all fine, pretty nice, then one night there was a group of us out plus a younger girl Im pretty good friends with, she is lovely and I thought she had a thing for my guy , no one knew at this stage, he tried to get with me but I felt a bit put off around everyone and was comparing myself to this girl maybe feeling a bit insecure, so I pushed him away, big mistake I know now as he is also a bit shy though at the time when he was chasing me and there was a lot of this before we even got together he was very cheeky and confident, I think he felt really comfortable around me to do this. Anyway I regretted it and tried to get him to come to the pub alone(wed done this before so I could explain -by then i was realising that I was acting strange because of the trust thing) I should also mention that he had asked me out loads of times that I had turned him down in between our times together so I guess he just got sick of me, but its just a shame it just took me a bit of time but you have to admit starting to feel like this 5 months out of a LTR (bad one) is pretty scary stuff. Anyway it been going on and off over about 8 months - hes had to go away for work a couple times and last time I know he chose to go earlier around the time my ex contacted me and I realised what an idiot I was so was a bit emotional - anyway I know there is still something there because a few things even then he stepped in to buy my drink when another friend was doing so wouldnt let him offer me a cigarette,glaring at someone chatting me up and I trying to get away cos I'm not interested in anyone else in ways its all comical really and a few people know now and think its funny/sweet so I think he might be trying to save face but wont give me the satisfaction of trying to explain. I know what you mean about being the immature one ie me :-)

Cheap Thrills!

Well, look that isn't too bad, it's all perfectly understandable. What you have to do now is just settle down and exude calmness and openness to him.

I will say one thing to you, about other younger girls that you imagine he should fancy more than you. Don't bother torturing yourself. He likes you and fancies you, don't waste time being jealous or insecure. You can't control what goes on in another persons brain and you can't punish him if some girl is more attractive than you. That's mental (I've done that myself so not judging!:o)

DONT punish him for the ex's crimes, that is VERY important. Just relax and be straightforward. Let him come to you. He is a man, he will do it his way. Just because he is younger doesn't mean you have the upper hand. Let him seduce you and take control.

Trusting is hard and scary but it's great when it works out. Good luck!

whitehallp

Thank you :-) Thats great things worked out with you, its amazing when you meet someone so great after being with someone who made you miserable - really blows u away, think u recognise and appreciate it more too!! When you put it like that it doesn't seem too bad but I fear I may have blown it as he is quite shy, became shyer with all of this - its true best to go with the flow and not play games but you only know the honest ones too late maybe:rolleyes:

AngryBadger

whitehallp wrote: »

its true best to go with the flow and not play games but you only know the honest ones too late maybe:rolleyes:

I'm sorry but wtf does that even mean? 'cause to me it sounds like an excuse for abusing a nice guy.

He was lovely, but you were insecure, so you played games with him, and he (rightly so IMO) decided you were too much of a headmelt.

This philosophy of "Oh-I-can-be-an-emotional-wreck-and-it's-fine" attitude in women confuses the hell out of me. mostly because I can't understand why any guy would waste his time on a woman who abuses him like this, because she "has issues". Seriously, if you want a self-respecting guy who isn't afraid to actually engage about his feelings, then don't ply this horse-**** attitude.

****!

whitehallp

I completely know he is in the right and I am in the wrong however I did not know I had issues until they came up, I was just rolling along happy to be away from the ex and anyone else I met I just had fun with no problems, this one just blew me away , did not expect it from him, didn't expect anything from him so I didn't think he should expect anything from me, thats part of the reason , maybe the main reason I think he liked me because I had a completely carefree attitude - but lets face it if you're carefree you're not very responsible, so its a bit of a quandary. Anyway I agree with you, you're not telling me anything I don't already know - so you could tell me what to do if anything??