help...my life with my OH is a mess

LegacyUser

Hello.
I am writing here as I need a little advice and I feel I cannot see the forest for the trees...
First some history...
I am going out with my partner going on four years now, the final three of these years have been spent abroad, away from family/friends for both of us (we are both Irish) - the reason I mention family and friends is that I am so far from home I feel I am lacking support systems and advice that I would have if I was at home - I guess that goes for the both of us. We are both living together and both work full time, and I must admit that the last year for us has been a bit of a trial. The main reason for the last year being tough is difficult for me to pin down - I am not sure whether it simply boils down to finances or whether we are drifting apart also. At the start of the year (January and February) my OH was out of work for almost two months and as we had spent Christmas at home with family in Ireland he had spent all his money and came back to our adopted country (Oz) without a penny (I had holiday pay going home, he didn't have that luxury, and savings so I was ok financially and had a secure job)...now I agreed to support him until he found another job, and I had no problem with this as I know he would have done the same for me if our roles were reversed. Which was fine except he hasn't yet paid me back anything of what I gave to him (I covered the rent for the two months - not an easy feat in Oz, groceries, food, some 'pocket money' as it were for day to day stuff, and I treated him to beers/a night out/takeaways etc to make life a bit more bearable for him at the time - it all really cleaned me out financially to be honest) ... I ended up putting my credit card repayments on hold at the time, and it took me some time to recover financially (credit card issue is ongoing - my own fault... Now all I asked of him was to repay me the money I gave to tide him over...bit by bit if he liked or whatever way suited him.... I didn't put much pressure on him initially as he was very touchy about it and it would lead to arguments very very easily (also his wages were mediocre but are better now). As time went on I realized he was avoiding repaying me anything.

He is working now and spends his own $ as he sees fit which is fine - but needs regular reminders to help with groceries - I tend to do the shopping as I do the driving. Over the last few months he has had his fair share of lengthy nights out and has come back home in not so great a condition - all this costs money- and has as a consequence not gone into work the following Monday. This has happened 2 or 3 times in the last few months, and happened again over the weekend. He is insisting today that his boss told him there was no work today (red flag - this morning he said his boss called him - and tonight he says his boss text him (he is refusing to show me the text) and hence that is why he stayed home today. He was very drunk when he came home last night which upset me (I love a good night out myself and normally I would be more relaxed about it but he was a mess and I had a feeling he wouldn't get up for work in the morning - which I was right about), and I know he is lying to me about it all today. My dilemma is do I make a fuss? Do I deserve honesty from him? I feel really upset about this. Or is it none of my business??? I guess I feel it is my business as although he has been paying his portion of the rent now he has not actually paid me back any of the money I loaned him...and I am still struggling to pay my own debts as a result (I know that is not his fault but he isn't helping at all). I don't know whether my emotions are clouding my judgment at this stage and whether I am making a mountain out of a molehill or whether this is the final straw...As for my OH he just wants the subject to be dropped.

We have started to drift apart and tend now to do our own thing, and although we have both expressed a desire to spend some quality time together an argument always seems to get in the way lately and I feel like I have lost almost all my confidence in us as a couple. I feel I have lost respect for him and I feel like I am becoming just a bit more miserable as the time goes on. We are both still young (I am 27 and he is 29) and though I recognize that living abroad / finding (and keeping) jobs / making friends is hard, but should it be this hard??? I have started to feel quite stressed in my home situation and I don't know how to deal with it all frankly. I also acknowledge that I am not perfect I have been a b###h at times and not made life easy but the resentment is not going away...I am almost at the point of moving from Oz but feel I am running from my problems rather than tackling them. Whenever I try to talk about it we just go around in circles and never get anywhere.

Where do I draw the line??? We split for almost a week a while ago but eventually 'fixed things' - though I think we both just wanted to put our issues behind us and get on with things without ever having actually sorted our issues out.

Part of me thinks that our relationship may have run its course, and that we live more now as flatmates than as partners, and the other part of me feels like I haven't got a clue what
to do, and another part of me is terrified of leaving him and terrified of hurting him as I know he doesn't want us to split up.

What do I do??? Is he taking the piss? Or am I expecting too much - is this just 'real life'?

If you have made it this far thank you...I wrote alot more than I meant to. It has all just poured out...
An advice or insight appreciated

Zen65

messypartnership wrote: »

An advice or insight appreciated

That's a grim picture you paint.

Do you believe that he has simply decided not to work, because it is easier for him to continue letting you support him? Do you think you have become his crutch?

I'm not sure that that is at the heart of your concerns, though. You say you don't have confidence in the two of you as a couple, and you find it hard to trust him. You believe he lied to you, and yet you do not want to confront this because he will not engage in that sort of conversation? These are all signs of a failed relationship.

Maybe it "just poured" out in your post, maybe you don't mean to paint a picture of a loveless couple sharing the same home "as flatmates", but it does sound that the relationship has run its course in its current format.

If there is still some real love between you this can be remedied, but both of you have to engage to make that happen. If one partner won't talk about it, then you need to ask yourself - should you walk now and start afresh with somebody who better appreciates you?

Really, only you can say whether this is the best course of action.


Be at peace,

Z

munstergirl

When i read your post i was thinking you sound like a mother. Nag nag. . I'm only having a few drinks.

I think your boyfriend is not young, 29 is old enough to be responsible for him self.

Its really sucks to be out of work as a partner, and i think no harm one looking after the other, can happen to anyone. But did he say back in jan pay the rent for me + i'll pay you back or did you just pay?

I think you should put it in writing the money your boyfriend owes you + give it to him + a payment plan. I would just put down the big money, wouldn't bother with nights out etc.

Your boyfriends problem is he could be unemployed again right now, if he is are you going to look after him again. I seriously would not. I would tell him to find another job quick or a flight home.

He sounds like he is ruining your time in australia + maybe even has a drink problem, i love my nights out, but have never missed work, yes sometimes i had to suffer with hangover for 8 hours through work.

Start paying off visa bill as interest rates will make it harder.

Oh when you go shopping, shop for yourself. Bring him with you and let him buy his own things.

Seriously best of luck, but look after yourself, you are not his mother.

sara-lou

I think you are feeling seriously under appreciated and taken for granted and i think you have been. You are so far from home and you sound like you are miserable. Think you need to start looking out for yourself and get your own finances in gear and start putting yourself first i don't think he is going to. He seems to be having a great time himself!

Best of luck, life is too short - while you're out there make the most of it

Beruthiel

messypartnership wrote: »

What do I do??? Is he taking the piss?

Damn straight he is taking the piss and were I in your shoes I would have said something long before now.

You did a great thing helping him out when he was unemployed. You loaned him money and kept a roof over your head, putting yourself in debt in the process.
He should be showing how grateful he is by paying back a little each week until he's square with you.
Yet what is he doing instead? He's out spending every penny getting drunk, to the extent where it is affecting his job, which he will most likely loose if he keeps this up.

Time you put your foot down girl, right now he's treating you like a doormat.

This is what I would do were I you:

Count up every penny he owes.
Give him the visa bill and tell him it's his to pay, interest and all.
Explain that you are in debt because of this and that ye are going to come up with a payment plan now.
He can pull back on his nights out until he had taken care of his debts.

This man is an adult who is behaving like an irresponsible child.
Personally, I wouldn't stand for that. I expect my partner to be equally responsible for all our debts and to act accordingly if he is in debt.

CathyMoran

OP, just a different view point. I was on reduced pay a few years ago as I was ill so my husband took a greater share of the finances - to this day I have never paid it back and now that we have a son and I am taking some unpaid leave to look after him there is not a suggestion that I should ever pay him back. I have also helped him out in the past and have never dreamed of asking for the money back and neither of us keep a list - we are a partnership.

The drinking excessivly is another issue but do not leave on the basis of the finances.

metrovelvet

^That's different. No sense that one of you was taking advantage of the other one.

How Strange

CathyMoran, that's what happens in a partnership and if I were in your situation my oh and I would've done the same. However, if circumstances were different and you were earning again would you see it as your responsibility to pay the household bills for a few months in recognition of what your oh did for you? I know I would.

However the op's oh is carrying on like a feckless teenager without a care in the world.

I also think it's a significant indication of the relationship in general that she considers financially supporting her oh as a loan and her oh doesn't acknowledge that support by pulling his weight when the time comes.

Op only you know the state of your relationship but if it's all giving on your part and taking on his then you have to decide if you want to continue to invest your time, money and emotions in it.

Floppybits

OP, I think you need to seriously look at the relationship and whether or not it would be good to spend time apart, if that is possible. It sounds to me like your OH wants to have his cake and eat it. I think you need to do 2 things

1. Sit down and sort it out with him.

2. If he is not willing to talk or change then leave him and let him fend for himself. I know that it is easier said than done but it sounds like doesn't want any responsibility.

Just out of curiosity did the two of you live together before you left home? the reason why I ask and you see it on these boards everyday is that when a lad leaves home for the first time they seem unable to cope because back at mammy's everything was done for them. So maybe there is a bit of that as well.

LegacyUser

OP here...
Many thanks to every who has responded, it as given me some food for thought.

Zen65...
"Do you believe that he has simply decided not to work, because it is easier for him to continue letting you support him? Do you think you have become his crutch?"
I think the reason he has taken those days off was due to an excess of alcohol the night before more than just not bothering to go to work, but because I have picked up the pieces financially before I think he sees me as being his safety net (I don't know if he realizes that)...I'm sure if I was not in the picture he would have more motivation to get up and go to work...Also he has not been very happy in his current job either so he is not too enthusiastic about it...

Munstergirl...
I do sound like a nag, he has told me several times I'm a nag and I feel like one too. I wasn't initially, and I don't want to be. I really let him be and gave him a chance to get back on his feet before asking him to take on his share of the finances. I left it up to him to decide how much he could afford to pay me back...I just wanted to have that little bit extra coming in to help pay my debts. After a few months I said just a little would do...not o worry about the full amount...We had agreed at the start that he would repay the rent as it was quite alot of money for me to pay out at the time. As regards his employment, he has been out of work all week this week, the company he is with are quiet this week so there is no work for him until Monday. I have gently suggested looking elsewhere but he wants me to stay out of it, and leave it to him. Again, if I say any more I am back to nagging.

Sara Lou, thank you for your post.

Beruthiel, thank you.
"This man is an adult who is behaving like an irresponsible child."
I do recognize that but I don't know where or how to draw the line? He just sees me as a nag and doesn't seem to value my input. He believes I worry too much.
I have almost fully paid off my debts...and I have managed this by cutting down on socializing and unnecessary spending myself and I am just a few weeks away from clearing that debt. Now I need to know how to stay out of debt and save too for my future. I wish he would do the same - he has expressed a desire to do this but in practice it doesn't happen.

CathyMoran, thank you for your input. Your story sounds much more balanced and I would like for things to be like that...I don't want to leave him because of the money issues solely.

Thank you metrovelvet and how strange.

I have been thinking about it all (too much) and I can't tell if we are drifting apart naturally as well as having financial trouble...or is the money the sole reason behind it?? I know I have changed in the last year or two - I no longer enjoy the social scene as much as he does (I used to love it in Ireland and was up for any party/night out as much as anyone else) but its not much fun anymore and I love to get out and about and see things and do stuff (doesn't have to cost money e.g. walking, galleries, visiting new areas etc) and hate to waste my days being hungover now - my days off are precious to me now I am working fulltime! However I find I am doing them on my own alot now, my OH prefers to watch movies at home..I am trying to meet new friends here but its a slow process and is taking time.
How do you know if a relationship is coming to a natural end if you are having financial struggles (or other issues) that are causing fights? I feel like I have forgotten what a relationship should be like and am tired of walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.
I do care deeply for him...but I wonder now is it more as a friend than as a boyfriend. I would miss him terribly if we went our separate ways but I would also love to have some lighthearted fun back in my life too...at the moment everything seems to be marred by petty arguments and both our tempers are short with each other.
I'm at a loss really on what to say or do...
I know I can only answer that one but I simply do not know the answer.

CathyMoran

Sorry OP, it looks like you are just growing apart but maybe you both could work on that. The fact that he is in a job that he hates is one huge issue and is enough to put a huge strain on any couple - is he looking for jobs that might make him a bit happier work wise or are there no other suitable jobs? Then you have the fact that you seem to like to do different things - was he always like that or again could it be due to him being upset with his job?

My husband and I put most of what we have together and it pays bills - we have a small amount for ourselves (I think that is more to feel like you have some of your own money), though all of that money goes on each other and now our son. It does take a while to iron these things out.

Best wishes OP.

I do wish you all the best.

sbsquarepants

Kinda sounds to me like you are drifting apart to be honest.
I don't get the whole money argument though, he was out of work you paid the bills, why wouldn't you? If my missus was out of work i'd pay her bills and would in no way expect the money back,when she got a new job, that's life, that's a partnership. I would FULLY expect the same from her, no questions asked and certainly no tab kept! The fact that you more or less begrudge doing that is indicative of a deeper problem i think, also the fact he didn't pay you back when you asked is taking the piss. I'd have paid up and then most probably moved out, disgusted at the fact that you asked for the money in the first place!
This is of course all assuming this was an unavoidable situation, one of lifes little hiccups so to speak. If my missus got thrown out for work for boozing and missing days, i'd still pay her bills - but then it would be a loan and i would insist on it back.
Hopefully you are just going through a bad patch and things will come good, but it sounds a little like you are already thinking as 2 individuals rather than as a couple and to cut it short, you have no future with that mindset, especially half way round the world when you really need to be there for each other.
I hope it works out for you!

LegacyUser

Cathymoran, He is paying his share of the rent now. A few months ago he was very slack in getting it paid in time/in full but I put my foot down on that on and he is managing that well now. He is making more of an effort with groceries - getting there.

Floppybits (love the name by the way!) Thank you for the tips. I have considered moving out on several occasions but I haven't had the funds to do so. I still don't. It may be an option in a month or two so I am considering this. I feel like I need some space for a while. Problem now is I really don't want to do this whilst his employment situation is looking a bit rocky again. I feel I should stand by him until he has settled down in his job again. Right now he doesn't have money to move anywhere else.

"Just out of curiosity did the two of you live together before you left home? the reason why I ask and you see it on these boards everyday is that when a lad leaves home for the first time they seem unable to cope because back at mammy's everything was done for them. So maybe there is a bit of that as well. "

This is something I have considered - no we didn't live together until we left Ireland which was a jump in the deep end, silly really but I had to leave Ireland soon after finishing college as I couldn't get any work there, and the time was right for him too. We knew we were taking a big risk. However none of the above was an issue really for the first year we were away..(and we faced those hurdles that moving abroad poses and managed ok, plenty of ups and downs but we got through it) its the last 12-18 months where things have been slipping.

I now find myself at that point where I'm wondering where the relationship is going...In the back of my mind I am afraid that the relationship has come to an end, I care deeply for him - I'm just not sure whether it's just as a friend now rather than as a boyfriend/potential life partner. I know only I can know whether I should stay or leave but I don't know, I really don't. I would miss him terribly if we went our separate ways...but when I look at our future it looks a little bleak and lonely right now. I guess I have been thinking that things would sort themselves out but its not happening really.

Kimia

Agree with Cathy and square pants, I have at times paid more than 'my share' and I just didn't take any notice - he would have done the same for me no questions asked and there was no 'tab' kept - that's just the way it goes sometimes, you should be able to depend on each other. I think it's a tad strange that you hounded him about paying you back knowing that the job pays him much less than what you get paid.

However, I do think he's gone a bit too far. He sounds deeply unhappy to be honest, drinking all the time, not going into work - could he be depressed? It sounds like he has absolutely no interest in his life.

I would talk to him about this first before making any decisions - you need to address the deeper issue. Tell him that you've noticed that nothing seems to matter to him anymore and he doesn't make any effort and see what he says. Get back into the mindset of partnership, not you against him or him against you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants, thank you for your insight.
He lost his job because he made the decision to travel to Ireland for a month, he knew he would be out of work as a result in January.
I guess my main concern is/and my need to get some of that money back was because I had to stop repaying my own debts in order to support him - that is ok short term, but I ended up in greater debt as a result, which is something he could have helped me with but chose not to. As a result it took me alot longer to get back on track, I am still working on it - I have cut down on my social life, significantly, and I cut down on spending where I could, again, something he hasn't done. Today he told me the amount he was happy to spend on a night out - I was taken aback and I guess it felt like a kick in the teeth for me, as I cant afford to spend like that on a night out.

Kimia, he is a bit down in himself and we have chatted about it. I guess it is due to now not having the option of returning home to Ireland (no work) and the fact that he has found his current job tough going and recently unreliable/inconsistent hours. Plus things aren't great between us obviously so that doesn't help.

I have not mentioned the money issues to him (that is the money for rent and living in Jan / Feb / Mar) in a long time and I won't bother now about it as I am nearly out of that debt thank god, let bygones be bygones...Ill let it up to him.

Thank you everyone.

LittleBook

munstergirl wrote: »

When i read your post i was thinking you sound like a mother. Nag nag. . I'm only having a few drinks ... you are not his mother.

messypartnership wrote: »

Munstergirl...
I do sound like a nag, he has told me several times I'm a nag and I feel like one too. I wasn't initially, and I don't want to be ... if I say any more I am back to nagging.

OP, I think you've misunderstood Munstergirl's point. You sound like you are his mother and you're treating him like a child. He's treating you like dirt but he has you believing that you're a nag for wanting perfectly reasonable things from him.

You bailed him out the last time he threw away his job (he didn't lose it, he decided to go travelling instead, fully aware it would cost him his job) and he's throwing his current job away in the full expectation that you will bail him out again.

In the meantime he didn't have the common courtesy to repay a debt while spending loads on nights out while you've cut down on your social life significantly because you can't afford one and increased your own debts.

I don't know if you should leave him, only you can decided if there's real love still there. But as long as your throwing your money into this black hole that is your partner, you'll never have the funds to move out.

Stop handing over your hard earned cash to him and make it clear that if he loses this job, you won't be ABLE to financially support you both.

spinandscribble

Did you both discuss him quitting his last job and you paying his way before he quit?

LegacyUser

Oh OP i could have written this post! My situation is the exact same, bar a couple of details - he was off work in between jobs. I paid the rent, bought the groceries, gave him money - loaned him money to get started in his current job etc. I am still owed 4 and a half grand - this was reduced from 6 when he got his tax back (which i had to take care of so got it lodged to my acc before he could dwindle it away). That's a lot of money!! (Enough to do a good bit on a round the world trip!) I've worked like a dog since i got to Aussie instead of being worry free like most my friends because more often than not i have to bail him out when the months rent is due or whats not.
Like you, i am over generous when it comes to paying for takeaways, drinks on nights out, cinema tickets etc, so its not as if i don't pay for enough extras as it is.....never find paying for the basic necessities on top!

Like you, i am younger by a couple of years yet i feel like im getting old before my time, more like his mother than his partner.
To prove my point, he is currently gone skiing for the weekend while i am sitting in on a friday night on what will be a veryyyyy quiet weekend. (i can't afford to go)
!!

mylittlepony

I think the money issues is the reason that making ye drift apart.

Next time he broke/unemployed, etc, tell him to get a credit card for himself when he broke he get cash off the card and pay off his own debt in his own time.
There should be a joint account for direct debit for food/bills/rent only or a kitty jar to agreed to put x amont per week.
You are not married to each other so you should not have be giving away your hard earned cash and him wasting it.
I think he is also taking you for granted, cos you let him get away with it the first time, he will chance it again.

Please show him the credit card bill you got for paying for him and get him to pay you back agreed on x amount per week.
Then ye should be back on even ground and be fair equal partners.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you Littlebook...I have told him that it has to stop here. He has mentioned paying back about a third of what it all cost me which would be great (its a realistic amount for him) and would be a weight off my shoulders...however he has said this before so we shall see. As well as helping with my debt it would restore my confidence a little in the sense that he is willing to try and share the load a little more fairly.

Spinandscribble, we did discuss it. To be honest I trusted him to not take advantage - he needed to spend some time at home and I didn't want him to miss out on that opportunity, I knew it was important to him to see his family, I did every thing I could to help him. I just didn't foresee things ending up like this.

metoo, it is such a relief to see I'm not the only one in this position. May I ask you how you feel? Has it affected your relationship? Does it affect how you regard your future with him? For example if you both wanted to travel, save for a home etc (the big spends) - does it make you anxious about your future?

mylittlepony, thank you. He has tried to get a credit card here and to be honest I was so relieved that the application was declined. I know it would have been his business and not mine but I also know he wouldn't have handled it well and it would have gotten completely out of control, he is very impulsive with money and as soon as it is in his pocket he will find something to spend it on. So I am glad he has not got a card - I wouldn't like to see the results of that! And I am talking from experience too, credit cards really are a minefield!

Any one else have similar experiences or wows in handling finances with partners or advice on how to approach things when income/spending differ between partners?

Detour

In terms of nagging there's a simple enough solution. Instead of mentioning small things often (groceries, bills, etc) sit him down once and for all and have a proper chat. Tell him you think that you are growing apart, and that you are considering ending things. Tell him you don't know if its because of the money, or because of other things. Let him know exactly how much of a strain this has been on your financially.

If he's a decent guy he'll take all this on board and make a concerted effort to pay you back and get your relationship back on track.

If he doesn't - then its taught you a valuable lesson about him, and makes your decision to leave him that bit easier. If he doesn't listen to what you say, he's really not worth it.

You need to let him the extent of how this has effected you though.

LegacyUser

Sorry messypartneship I don't mean to hijack your post ..I can identify with what you are saying..abroad too except I was the one out of work for 3 months and bf paid my way, I haven't paid him back but started paying my share as soon as I could and obviously was doing very little socailising etc when out of work..

However most of our arguements revolve around being here and the stress it is causing in our relationship..I had left and came back as partner wanted to stay another while as there is work here etc and thats fair enough... I used up all my savings doing this (returning), was out of work for 3 months, broke, got work eventually but job doesn't really have any prospects and I find I am resentful about it all,all the hassle arguments etc have really taken there toll.
We left home 2 & half years ago now, I am 29 and really want to just go home and move on with my life. It has been hard to make friends and I find I spend most weekends doing things alone or arguing/ not speaking..I feel like I amn't really living my life and am just hanging around until he calls time on being here..
I find myself waking up in the middle of the night panicing about the fact we have been here this long, my age, where the relationship is going, finding a better job,etc etcetc!

Sorry this post is so long, I don't have any answer for you expect that things I think are different when you are abroad together, you have to look out for eachother and help eachother out, but they also need to do the same for you...otherwise it's just taking advantage