getting into something straight after a break up

goldenlass

Last week I just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. To be fair, in my head the relationship had run its course last year but I gave it every chance to try save it, but truth be told I wasnt in love with him a year ago and couldnt make myself.
I feel utterly relieved since then- however a factor in me to finally do the deed was meeting someone from home who I have always have had a bit of a soft spot for. He is a gorgeous fella, inside and out, and told me last night that he is mad about me and hasnt felt like this in a long time. I am starting to really like him too but am holding myself back in case its too quick!
timing really sucks on this one- but there is no getting over the ex, i am over that, it makes me sad that I hurt him but I have no other feelings at all towards him.
So in short, do you think I should just go for it with amazing new guy, just take it slowly like, or should I enjoy the single life for a while??!??!
Also new guy has a child, and my mother is warning me against it! Im 25 by the way! so all advice welcomed!!!!!!
thanks in advance!!!!!

Enjoy your new step daughter.

What age is he btw? Your mother is right tbf, he has a child. He could end up leaving you with one.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,you've just come out of a long term relationship,and although you say you've accepted it's been over for quite a while in your opinion,you would probably be better off taking some you time,as opposed to jumping straight into another relationship,you haven't said how things are now between you and your ex,but if ye are still friends starting a new relationship with another guy will probably change that.....all I'll add is imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

newtothis2010

hey OP..

its a toughie.. society in general would frown on it.. but the heart wants what the heart wants.. been there done that, ended a 5 year rel where the love had gone and jumped straight into another, everyone frowned, tutted and warned me off... I didn't listen and am glad I didn't!..

Your mother may be warning you against it a. cos of the child aspect and the 'burden' that may be associated with 'taking on' someone elses kid.. and b. cos perhaps she not sure that you have gotten over previous relationship properly...

Yes, the child may complicate your relationship with new guy, is the dynamic between mother and father secure enough that him getting a new girl will be acceptable? will you be exempt from any inter parent spat regarding you being around the child? not that these are things that should prevent you, if he is open to it then so be it, but perhaps bear them in mind.

as to being over previous relationship. If you are happy you are over it, then you are over it. An outsider can tell you a week, after 3 years, is not enough time, but if you genuinely and honestly can say that you tried and it failed and you are happy that its definitively over, then thats all that counts really.

sure life is too short and if you've met a great guy then go with your gut...

yes there may be ex repurcussions.. he'll prob be hurt to hear it and let you know about (at 3am by txt!), but he'll have his network of friends and family to bitch to and he'll get over it... it can't be your problem and you cannot hold yourself back from enjoying life because of how others may feel/think...

good luck with it op and who knows where this could go....

goldenlass

hes 28- ya the child thing is holding me back but hes such a nice fella I feel for him that every girl is gonna have those doubts and keep away from him! i dunno if thats a good enough reason. Leaving me with one is not going to occurr!

Me and ex do not speak- don't believe in this friends business- he needs to get over me and im not making that harder by staying in contact! Its a balls of a situation , im afraid to let this guy go!!:(:(:(

Grawns

You are on the rebound. Have fun but don't expect anyhting serious to come of it. And keep your distance from the child as you don't want to damage her/him when this ends and you vanish.

goldenlass

newto this2010, thank you for such a nice reply, your right not everything is black and white, life is too short. Im gona go with my gut and just see what happens.

I'm going to stay well away from the child, that was never an option for me anyway, unless i was serious about him.

I knew someone would come up with that REBOUND word, but its not a rebound, actually my relationship that just ended was a 3year rebound! I was crazy about someone else and my ex just came after i was let down by him.... surely thats what you mean by rebound.
is it possible to rebound when you were trying to get out of a relationship for over a year????!?!??!?!?!

metrovelvet

Yes because you need time to cleanse the palette.

You may have been out of love with him for a while but that doesn't mean bonds and habits don't need to be broken. They were there even if love wasn't.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Just an anecdote from me, I got with a girl who was just out of a long-ish relationship. As much as she flat out denied it, and berated me for saying so, she was NOT out of the relationship in her head. I was really into her, and she into me, but whatever it was, she had him in the back of her mind.

Eventually we broke it off, for other reasons, but the 'quality'of the relationship was not good, a big reason being that she wasn't over her ex.

Take a little time for yourself OP.

muboop1

Fair enough you are over your ex emotionally, but do you know who you are again?

What I mean by this is from my experience when people are in a long term relationship, they become more of a single entity in many ways. Now you have lost that part of it, and likely or even subconsciously feel that something is missing, and maybe this guy gives you it? or fills the gap or maybe it is just a normal case of you liking him. Its hard to know!

Normally I'd say **** it life is to short, go for it... However, there is a kid here... If you get involved heavily then realise in a few months that this is a rebound... where does this leave the kid?

For this kids sake I would say if you go for it, take it very very slow. It might not be easy but best in the end...

Pembily

I am just out of a 4 year relationship and really it was over for at least a year!!!!!

I know that even if my "perfect" guy came along tomorrow - child or no child, I could not be with him properly, I am out every weekend, enjoying being selfish and single and I need that time for me to get back to the person I was before I changed a bit due to being in a relationship!!! I need to be true to myself and only myself for a good while!!!

You are the same as me I don't believe in the friends thing either, if I keep contacting him it is only going to hurt him more!!!! Let him go but tred carefully with the new guy, you could end up hurting him too...

goldenlass

thank you all so much for replies- its great to hear other experiences!

ill be moving away from home anyway in september so that will prob change a lot! Might just have my fun as Im here!

Wisco

Had very similar situation- stayed in relationship for about 2 years after I knew it was over. 3 months after we broke up I started dating someone who'd been a casual friend for a few months- turns out we'd both fancied each other for a while but did nothing about it while we were with our exes. Anyway, one year later I've never been happier. So do what feels right to you, but definitely a child does complicate things so be careful but definitely do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

I started seeing my boyfriend just days after I broke up with my ex. It was a slightly different thing though, he was going off to work in Asia in a few months so we didn't think it would be more than just a fling, but in the end we ended up having a long distance relationship. Perhaps that was a good thing, as I had plenty of space to do my own thing for a year rather than going straight into another full blown relationship were we saw each other every day, but I don't think you can always call these things rebounds.

beks101

Maybe it's just me, but I'd find it very hard to get into something with someone new so soon after a break-up for many reasons, time to heal / get out of the 'routine' of my ex being one of them, and respect for my ex being another.

Obviously he's out of your life now and what you do should in theory have no bearing, but can you imagine the double whammy of pain he will have to deal with to find out his ex as-of-last-week is already in a new relationship?

I'm not saying at ALL to halt this whole thing for the sake of sparing his feelings, that would be utter stupidity, but I think discretion has to be a priority for you if you do decide to give it a go with this new guy, out of compassion if nothing else. Just because your heart wasn't in it for the last year of your relationship, doesn't mean he felt the same.

goldenlass

Izzy Wizzy, my situation is a little like yours actually, im going to continue to keep it casual with new guy because I am moving up the country in September, then that will tell a lot. Probably will answer my question for me, I told the new guy that when I go back up the country, things might change, so at least he knows that its not for the long haul.... if it turns out we do want to do something about it sur then that will come too.. yes?!?!?!?
completely agree with descretion, my ex and I are at opposite ends of the country so keeping it from him aint that hard!

katie99

Be good and be careful. You say you are going away in Sept. That puts a different emphasis on the potential relationship.
You are very young to be tied down. I would date the new guy, get to know him, have fun and a barrel of laughs with each other. Don't put yourself under pressure to take him seriously.
Enjoy your singledom.
If the new guy is meant for you; and you are meant for him then it will work out for the best.

goldenlass

Thanks katie- you are so right i am still young, may as well enjoy it!!!
I am terrified of hurting this boy too- but he knows the score!