dont know what to do

LegacyUser

ok,i have gone unreg for this one.not because i'm well known but because i dont want to be if you follow me.

so, i will try to be brief and to the point. my wife and i have been together 20 years. we have kids, oldest near 20 youngest near 10.

in the past she cheated on me. alot. now i have caught her lying to me. she went out on a girls night out and ended up in her mates house. i talked to her at 330 am and heard a mans voice in the background, again at 430 and this time i asked who the man was. she denied a man was there and after a row on the phone admited that it was a friend of the girl who owned the house.
i phoned about 10 times from 445 to 515 but the phone went straigth to voicemail as if it was turned off. she swears it was not. but coverage is good in that area.

we had a bad weekend over this and then sat down to talk it over. i shouls say that she did not cheat that i know of in the last 7 years. but she admitted tonight that a guy from 7 years back that she went out with for one night (that i knew about and forgave her for ) she now tells me she had sex with him.

is this a ploy to distract me from friday night? am i just over reacting to news from 7 years ago. she swears she has told me the full truth but she always said that in the past.

she is due to go to this girls house again in two weeks for a party and i am not invited. how can i trust her?

to be fair about this i have suffered from depession in the past and fell pretty down now. i dont know if this is my own mind making me feel she is up to something or if she really is up to something.

that said, in 20 years she has never been able to cheat without me catching her,but i never knew she had sex with that guy till now. my confidance is really taking a knock after hearing that. it happened when we had an active sex life but in the past few months we have only been active twice and now im afraid that may drive her to someone else. before friday i felt something was wrong and tryed to talk to her about how we are not so close,no sex life etc but she brushed it off as being fine. now she says she feels we need to get closer but she still lies about sending txts and she always deletes the incoming and outgoing txt right away.

i have to post at this time as its the only time i can be alone.

i am exhausted now and will head to bed. i assume i will get no reply till tomorrow but i will try to get back online then. thanks for letting me vent and feel free to call me a fool.

i think i am one.

one more thing,i will not go back to the doctor about my depression because the last time he laughed at me and two days later wife and i had a row and she threw my meds in the fire. i will not go through that again.

Mr. Mac

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time mate. First off I would strongly consider going back to your GP to discuss this and the trouble you are having. If he/she prescribes u meds its because you will benefit from them. You do not have to tell your wife about this.

However the more important question is whether or not you can continue your life with this woman and more importantly have a happy life together for both your sakes and your kids sakes.

Do you trust her after she has cheated on you many times? can you get over her revelations of what happened 7 years ago? do you believe her?

If you answer yes to all the above then I would advise seeing a marriage counsellor and give it your best shot. Accept what has happened and try and make things work for the future. Let the past be the past and move on.

If your answer is No to all of the above then you should strongly consider a seperation. I know its so tough to go through but while you suffer greatly in the short term you will be better off in the long term.

I guess you have alot to consider and i hope you make the right decisions for you and your family. Best of luck.

David Matthew

It sounds like you're going through a crushing time. I would echo what Mr. Mac said: if you were precribed anti-depressants, really you should consider taking them again. You definitely sound like you need some kind of boost.

What I would say however is maybe you should consider finding another GP. Why did he laugh at you? That sounds grossly unprofessional.

I really don't want to jump into this and tell you what seems (to me) glaringly obvious, but your wife does sound vindictive (throwing somebody's anti-depressants into the fire seems a viciously symbolic act), and the revelation after 7 long years is surely a smokescreen. Inherently dishonest people (I'm not necessarily accusing your wife of this, but there's no other way to say it) will often only be capable of coming out with half the truth, which is designed to hide the full truth and in the process alleviate their own sense of guilt. And deleting incoming and outgoing messages straight away is surely a giveaway sign of having something to hide.

20 years into a relationship, that sort of behaviour seems remarkably juvenile. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I'm sure there's much I'm not considering, but I can only go on what you've shared.

Don't allow yourself to be used or abused. You need to bolster yourself, stand up and take hold of your life. Only you know how to do this.

Sometimes it's useful to think in hypothetical extremes. If you knew you only had a year to live, how would you treat this situation?

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies guys

do i trust her, no, not at all. can i get over this,not sure. i have before but this time it seems to hurt even more.

counsellor seems like a good idea but we tried it before and while she said all the right things it soon went back to her cheating again.

vindictive and childish, hhhhmmm. hit the nail on the head there i have to say. she has never really seemed to mature at all. if things dont go her way she reacts like my teenage daugther with thats not fair etc.

"surely a smokescreen. Inherently dishonest people (I'm not necessarily accusing your wife of this, but there's no other way to say it) will often only be capable of coming out with half the truth, which is designed to hide the full truth and in the process alleviate their own sense of guilt. And deleting incoming and outgoing messages straight away is surely a giveaway sign of having something to hide."

thank you for that. i thought it was just me. in the past she has confessed to misdeeds to cover newer misdeeds while swearing she has changed and is now being totally honest.

exactly as she is doing now. my fear is that she is meeting up with someone at this party but if i go along with her without an invite her friends can easliy warn off the other guy and i will have achived nothing. strange thing is that she says its all couples and no singles but she is going alone.

i fanatsize about catching her in the arms of another guy so that i can at last be free but it seems stupid to leave when the last guy was 7 years ago. you know what i mean?

i both want to stay and want to go. i yearn to hold her but dread going near her as all i can see is her with him.

feel raw and numb and angry and sad and confused all at once.

will leave it a few days before deciding on what to do,try to calm down a little. but the night of the party will be hell for me

thanks for the support, its good to get anothers view point. (dont have any real life friends cos she drove them off or slept with them)

Mr. Mac

scardestiff wrote: »

thanks for the replies guys

do i trust her, no, not at all. can i get over this,not sure. i have before but this time it seems to hurt even more.

counsellor seems like a good idea but we tried it before and while she said all the right things it soon went back to her cheating again.

vindictive and childish, hhhhmmm. hit the nail on the head there i have to say. she has never really seemed to mature at all. if things dont go her way she reacts like my teenage daugther with thats not fair etc.

"surely a smokescreen. Inherently dishonest people (I'm not necessarily accusing your wife of this, but there's no other way to say it) will often only be capable of coming out with half the truth, which is designed to hide the full truth and in the process alleviate their own sense of guilt. And deleting incoming and outgoing messages straight away is surely a giveaway sign of having something to hide."

thank you for that. i thought it was just me. in the past she has confessed to misdeeds to cover newer misdeeds while swearing she has changed and is now being totally honest.

exactly as she is doing now. my fear is that she is meeting up with someone at this party but if i go along with her without an invite her friends can easliy warn off the other guy and i will have achived nothing. strange thing is that she says its all couples and no singles but she is going alone.

i fanatsize about catching her in the arms of another guy so that i can at last be free but it seems stupid to leave when the last guy was 7 years ago. you know what i mean?

i both want to stay and want to go. i yearn to hold her but dread going near her as all i can see is her with him.

feel raw and numb and angry and sad and confused all at once.

will leave it a few days before deciding on what to do,try to calm down a little. but the night of the party will be hell for me

thanks for the support, its good to get anothers view point. (dont have any real life friends cos she drove them off or slept with them)

Well get back in contact with them - if they are YOUR mates they will still be there when you decide to leave her. Friends are for life and they will probably be delighted that you are getting back in touch with them.

Head up pal. You sound a decent bloke. Make sure your kids are looked after and take time to figure out what you want to do. Best of luck.

MsHolloway

scardestiff wrote: »

thanks for the replies guys

do i trust her, no, not at all. can i get over this,not sure. i have before but this time it seems to hurt even more.

i fanatsize about catching her in the arms of another guy so that i can at last be free but it seems stupid to leave when the last guy was 7 years ago. you know what i mean?

Hi op, I highlighted the sections that really stood out at me. Look I get what you're saying - you're married and you have children and all that, but as you said yourself you don't trust her and quite honestly no one would blame you for feeling that way. I get the impression you feel you need to justify why you would leave her - you really don't. Not be able to trust your partner is more than enough reason to leave someone, not to mention she has put you through an awful amount of crap and many a man would probably have left before now.

- Shes cheated on you multiple times, you think she may be cheating now.
- You're not invited to a house party even though other couples will be there.
- She threw your medication into the fire.

Now heres the part where I'm going to be a bit harsh. She's been treating you like shíte and you know it! why do you feel you need to put up with it? Why don't you think you deserve better than that? That you're not worth more? Because you do deserve better, and you are worth more than this.

You've done more than your bit and she's still treating you like this. Be free, op. She's had more than enough chances and nothing has changed. You don't need to justify anything to anyone.

greengiant09

man, get out of that relationship a.s.a.p......you actually should have done this years ago. it seems like she's using your depression to take advantage of you. i know its difficult with children involved but she sounds like such a horrible person. no respect, no decency....i'm surprised you put up with her sh*t for this long.

whitehallp

Hope you are OK. I can only offer my support. I hope you get back to the GP and really if that other one laughed at you CHANGE GP!!Or go to a temporary one to get you through this - why make things hard on yourself?That is completely unprofessional and this should be all about looking after yourself at this stage. I hope everything goes OK :-)

LegacyUser

ok, i have been thinking about this. i have not been totally honest. i put on about three stone in the last few years (after the cheating) and a few weeks ago she confessed that she prefers me without my glasses. (none of them wore glasses)

so i can fix this. i have started to exercise to lose the weight, not hungry so eating is not a problem lol. i have looked up that laser eye treatment to get rid of the specs.

a bit more effort on my part and she will not go elsewhere to stay happy.

she says she wants me to go to the party but she knows i cant stand her mates so i will let her go alone and hope for the best. as for the friends, i lost contact years ago and they were not that close anyway.

i know you say she treated me like ****e but i let her down. if i had been man enough then this would have stopped a long time ago.

i can fix this. tonight i am drinking beer, nothing new. but i am also having vodka. i will be the hard drinking,manly guy she wants .

will be back with an update. thanks again guys.

the gob

ok time for some tough love- op get to the doctor and ask for a
prescription for a pair of testicles.

Tell this SELFISH, ARROGANT,TOXIC, IGNORANT, VILE excuse for a wife to
"politely" get the hell out of your life!!

Forget about you for a minute and think of the example you and their
"mother" are setting-
For your part the message is its ok to be a doormat and hers is its ok to
treat loved ones like crap on your shoe.
Trust me one of your kids will go through the very same in years to come
because of your lack of self respect and DIGNITY
Dont let your kids suffer for the sins of your "wife"

metrovelvet

You're not going to lose any weight if you drink like that.

Lillian84

i really think you should walk away NOW, you can do so mcuh better for yourself and could be so much happier in the long run

also, i think once a cheater - always a cheater...

David Matthew

I know it might be a natural reaction for you to defend your spouse if you are getting negative feedback about her; you might feel like you haven't presented the full picture, and in that sense, haven't provided the 'exonerating' reasons that would justify your wife's apparent infidelity and unrespectful attitude towards you.

But believe me, gaining weight and wearing glasses is not an excuse for your wife to be seeking relations with other men. And from what you've said previously, this is only a recent issue, as she has cheated on you before. Several times too. Presumably your weight was not the issue then.

What clearly stands out for me is your low self-esteem, and your readiness to clutch at straws for want of a healthy sense of your own personal dignity.

Trust me one of your kids will go through the very same in years to come
because of your lack of self respect and DIGNITY
Dont let your kids suffer for the sins of your "wife"

The gob makes a fair and perceptive point. I grew up in a 'broken' home, but my father walked out. In my situation, it was my mother who was mistreated and had to suffer as a result. But that would have been nothing compared with the suffering he would have inflicted had he stayed put. For my part, I'm extremely grateful that he walked out, as it would have been a far worse fate to have endured the effects of an unhappy marriage.

Please, think about this. Do what's right for you, and it will surely be what's right for your children too.

Wisco

If she cheated and lied before, she'll do it again. People don't change overnight. I was in a relationship before with someone who repeatedly lied to me, even when it was obvious about the lying. I finally had to walk away.
And as for her wanting you to change (lose weight, etc), you're fooling yourself if you think that will make her stay with you. It won't. You'll only be putting yourself more under her thumb. Even if you turned into Brad Pitt she'd find away to say you weren't what she wants, by the sounds of things.
Also, if your previous GP laughed at you, I think it's time to find a new one who will take your problems seriously, even if you have to go to a place a little farther away.
Because you have kids, I know your situation is complicated. But you need to get out or have some serious counselling sessions- either way, decide what you want for your future (stay with her vs separation, etc) and no matter what happens, there's always a good future out there- you just have to make it happen.

MsHolloway

op,

I think you should seriously consider going to a counsellor. You appear to have very low self esteem and I think you should figure out why you think you deserve and accept this treatment from your wife.

It doesn't matter how you look, she should be treating you with respect. It is not your fault that she cheats on you. Its all down to her! Its completely her fault that she choose to cheat on you. The fact that she is trying to turn this back on you, makes me think she is trying to erode your self esteem even further.

Look after yourself op.

LegacyUser

Do not blame your wifes infidelity on your own physical appearance!
It wouldnt surprise me at all if your wifes continually abusive, tyranical and selfish behaviour was a big contributing factor to your depression and its definatly the reason your self esteem is so low that you think this is fixable. Its not, she will never realise the error of her ways and change, she does not respect you enough to treat you with common decency, never mind love. It cant be good for your children to see their father being beaten down like this.

trio

For Gods sake man she cheated on you repeatedly when your waistline was 3 stone less - that's not why she cheats!

Seems to me she cheats because it's exciting. It's flattering of course. It's also completely unacceptable.

The two of you, in getting married, had a non-verbal but mutually understood contract. She broke it repeatedly. And whether she's actually cheating right now or not - she keeps breaking it by lying about other guests at parties the whole time knowing that you're a bag of nerves.

The only thing that will get her to engage as a committed part of your marriage is marriage counselling, as she seems to be well able to compartmentalise you and her social life into two different areas. Choosing to ignore the fact that the latter is destroying the former.

No counselling and I'm afraid the outlook is bleak for your marriage. What I'm afraid will happen is by the time you call a halt to it you will be near to a nervous breakdown.

There's only so much a man can take and you're rapidly reaching the very edge of your emotional limit.

LegacyUser

ok, frist off thank you for the replies and sorry i have not posted. its been a hard week and its only possible to post when i am alone. so much has happened these last few days. when i posted last i was really down and blaming it all on myself. we have had some long talks and she was taking all the blame but at the same time reflecting it back to blame me. I fell for it big time. the problem was she went too far. i last posted on tue night but the next night we had another long talk.

she confessed to having sex with another guy from 8 years ago, a former best friend whom i thought she had kissed but nothing else. then she admitted the guy from 7 years ago was better in bed. i went off the rails totally. i am a moderate drinker but that night i downed 3/4 bottle of vodka and about 7 cans.( normally drink about 4 cans and thats it)

i stayed up all night on a chat room while really out of it and poured my heart out to a random stranger. that stranger talked alot of sense and when i came back on boards tonight i see you all saying much the same thing.

i have been able to step back and be cold about this. i put on a good face and talked to her about moving forwards etc. but....

each confession,each story,each time she says something to upset,degrade,humilate me are all linked. they are linked by the fact that they come up each time i talk about that friday night or the next party. the frist confession was because we were fighting about her liying about the guy being in the house, i told her i did not want her to go to the party and about an hour later she decided to be "honest" with me.

it has become a game to me now. i have a plan to catch her. if it works i will have proof she cheated and it will be over. if it does not work i really dont care. i have had enough of her lies.

i am preparing to move out, it will kill me to be away from the kids but i know its better than them growing up with this going on.the game is that if i can catch her, and prove it, she will be the one leaving. she turned on the tears last night and claimed to feel guilt after all these years. but all she was doing was grabbing the lines i fed her.i suggested reasons why she confessed like she felt bad, she trusted me to forgive her,she wanted to change. she used everyone of them.

if any of them were true she would not be going out next week alone.
at this moment i can feel a slow burning anger at all she has done to me. she thinks i feel hope for the future. i predict she will fake having second thoughts about going out and will claim to not be in the mood to go out. then go out just for her friends sake lol. like the tv inspector says ive heard all the excuses, and none of them work. not any more.

i hope to return soon with an ending to this sorry tall.
i hope to have one of us leave quickly and cleanly to make it easier.
but most of all... i hope.

(yes i paraphrased from shawshank redemption but what a book to quote lol)

thank you all for your input and support. i could not have come this far without it.

Victor

scardestiff wrote: »

it has become a game to me now. i have a plan to catch her. if it works i will have proof she cheated and it will be over. if it does not work i really dont care. i have had enough of her lies.

Is the implication of this what you really want?

muboop1

Ok, I'm not so sure on this "game" as you call it...

However, I applaud you taking a positive step to fix your situation.

But the most important step you need to take is to go see a lawyer. As a family I can only assume there are assets, houses cars etc in the mix. Well sure she's a woman, but she's playing away from home. So likelyhood is, with a solicitors help the house and kids could be yours?

Do not inform her you are doing this. Do not make your move until you have everything in place. If possible acquire proof of any of these transactions? Record these long talks or something? However preferable if it wasn't a recording... Her email maybe?

Start writing down the odd things she does etc to keep a document of it all.

Simple fact is in Ireland the court can be very pro mother so you need to be able to show her in the wrong.

Maybe this comes across as harsh or unecessary and I apologise for that. It just seems like she I'd honestly treating you like **** and it is very unfair. And it would be horrendous if this woman got your house, your car and support payments from you every month.

Your a good guy! She's 100% at fault.

sbsquarepants

scardestiff wrote: »

ok, i have been thinking about this. i have not been totally honest. i put on about three stone in the last few years (after the cheating) and a few weeks ago she confessed that she prefers me without my glasses. (none of them wore glasses)

so i can fix this. i have started to exercise to lose the weight, not hungry so eating is not a problem lol. i have looked up that laser eye treatment to get rid of the specs.

a bit more effort on my part and she will not go elsewhere to stay happy.

she says she wants me to go to the party but she knows i cant stand her mates so i will let her go alone and hope for the best. as for the friends, i lost contact years ago and they were not that close anyway.

i know you say she treated me like ****e but i let her down. if i had been man enough then this would have stopped a long time ago.

i can fix this. tonight i am drinking beer, nothing new. but i am also having vodka. i will be the hard drinking,manly guy she wants .

will be back with an update. thanks again guys.

Mate, i don't want to be too hard on you when you're down, but it needs to be said - this is bulls'hit!
I've been ther before, (probably most of us have?) not after 20 years granted, but i'm sure it feels much the same after 3 or 4, so i reckon i do know how you feel.
Firstly, it's not your fault, the "you made me do it" excuse doesn't make sense in school, it certainly doesn't make sense amongst grown adults!
Don't change for anybody, change for yourself - IF YOU WANT TO - but not for your wife, who quite frankly sounds like a total undeserving bitch.
As for the night of the party being hell, tell her she is not going, plain and simple. She's crossed a bloody big line and now it's time for HER to make amends. If she wants to make this right she is going to have to stop going to these parties, if she is not willing to do that then i'm afraid your marriage is over.
To be honest with you, i think it should be over, based on what you've said she doesn't have an ounce of respect for you or for your marriage, it sounds like it's already dead, that's sad but it happens.
You can't allow her to treat you like this, as in any area of your life you will only recieve the respect you demand, you have to learn to value yourself if you want anyone else to value you. No wife cheats on her husband cos he wears glasses, don't talk rubbish, she's cheating cos she knows she can and you'll accept it and even take the blame for her!
Seriously, wise up, before you're life is over and you've wasted it on someone who simply took advantage and played you for a fool, she can't do that without your permision- if you give her that power, it's pointless complaining when she uses it. Take it back and tell her there are rules for her, just like there are for you, if she wants to go out every weekend getting drunk and getting laid she'll be doing it as a divorcee.
That's if you want to try and save it, but i honestly don't see why you would want to be with her, she sounds horrible!!

Wibbs

I'm with muboop1 on this one. If you want a plan if action in place then go get legal advice first. Forget about catching her. I mean it seems pretty cut and dried at this stage and more about you being absolutely sure that what is staring you in the face is actually staring you in the face. It sounds as much like giving her one more chance to prove you wrong. And I get that. I really do, but get legal advice first.

dellas1979

Am +1 on muboop1.

Your situation cannot continue either way for your mental and physical health.

Be the smart and responsible one and get professional advice - even before you try and get proof (solicitor might have suggestions and advice on this - for example you cannot record a conversation and use it).

Why you've left it this long, I dont or will never understand. But now is the time to do something about it.

Beruthiel

scardestiff wrote: »

it has become a game to me now. i have a plan to catch her. if it works i will have proof she cheated and it will be over.

Honestly. Why bother?
It's already over.
For your own mental health, let it go and just leave.
Find what ever self respect you have left and dump her ass.
She is not good for you and you have allowed her to wear you down.
Best revenge you can have is to go find yourself a new and happier life, cos you sure don't have one right now.
From this situation, the only way is up.

Nody

Beruthiel wrote: »

Honestly. Why bother?
It's already over.
For your own mental health, let it go and just leave.
Find what ever self respect you have left and dump her ass.
She is not good for you and you have allowed her to wear you down.
Best revenge you can have is to go find yourself a new and happier life, cos you sure don't have one right now.
From this situation, the only way is up.

I can only echo this; I could possibly understand if if she had not:

• Lied
• Cheated
• Admitted to both
• Lied some more
• Pulled every low claim in the book to deflect it
• Blamed it on you
• Claimed she loved you
• Went out and cheated after claiming to stop
• Constantly admitt more and more after claiming that is it

that you may want to catch her "out" but honestly, what more proof do you need? It is clear she does not care, nor love you any more and she could care even less for your oppinion on the matter.

LegacyUser

aaarrggghhhh i cant believe it. why why why.

this is a new low,even for her. we were talking, i steered the conversation around to that friday. i knew she had nothing left to confess, nothing to distract me with.

she started talking about the miscarrige she had. my baby would have been born on the 15th december 2007. she would be going into 2nd year next month. we both cried floods of tears over the memory of that time. a time we never discussed in the last 13 years.

but why now. why open up old wounds now. she lost the baby but we tried again and she got pregant very soon after. we never dealt with the loss.

we both refered to the baby as a girl. i dont know why. i had always had a name in my head but she did not. she seemed to be ok about it back then. why bring it up now.

i have been through so much this last week. i did not need this right now. i'm sorry folks,i don't know if i can keep updating this anymore. i just want to shut my feeling down. i dont care if she cheats. i just want to be out of this crap realshonship.

RIP Alison. i would have loved you so much.

i do love you through i never held you in my arms. i hold you in my heart


as for her, karma is a bi atch

Wibbs

Emotional blackmail/leverage? Or just a walk down (bad)memory lane? Trying to explain her actions because of some emotional hurt? Who knows?

Regardless you have to think of yourself now. So get that legal advice. Maybe seek out counseling as you are going through a bereavement as sure as if you just buried a close friend. You're going through the loss of an emotional state you thought was stable. You're going through the loss of a future you thought you had. In some ways this is even harder than a death as it's ongoing. There's no coffin going into the ground to book end the trauma. TBH I would look to counseling as soon as, to start your new life, whatever it is, on the right foot. Do NOT forget the legal though.

Taltos

OP - Wibbs hit it on the head again.

Your wife is a MANIPULATOR.
Whatever her reasons she has and will continue to cheat. And will continue to justify in with whatever hurts you the most.

Just look at your self esteem after 20 yrs - you are possibly a shadow of who you were with most of your old friends estranged...

Take all the advice on board.
Get legal advice.
Talk to the counsellor - not to save the marriage - but to save YOU.

I just don't know - after all that and she is still going to the party or has gone (sorry lost track of dates).

You are married to a selfish, manipulative person. And even if you point this out to her - it will be all your fault, or the loss of your child or who knows the wind blew cold today...

Stop changing yourself for her. However exercising is key here - it will help your own self-worth - but only do it for you...

Best of luck and I hope you get the help you need here.

sbsquarepants

I think it's clear from the oustide that you're being manipulated and in a particularly low way, by a particularly low person! I'm not normally, in any way an advocate of anti depressants or even counselling but i would strongly recommend you get some profesional help of some sort, you have to look after yourself - this woman is not going to help you in any way, shape or form. She is going to drag you down. Some pepole are just rotten and she certainly seems to be one of them. I honestly believe you need to get away from her for your own good.
Take care of yourself and good luck!

David Matthew

Hi OP,

What you're going through could be the most challenging and difficult period you will ever be faced with. The support on this thread is strong and unaninimous in its verdict: you are unhappy, and you need to untangle yourself from this destructive state of affairs.

Drama and emotional upheaval can become an addiction: beware of the allure of ups and downs, however crazy that may sound. You need time on your own to establish yourself once again as a unique and worthwhile individual.

Do the right thing and your life will change for the better. It may take some time, but it's sure to happen.

LegacyUser

sorry for the delay in repyling, things have been hard here. i have taken on board all the advice from the posters. the current state of affairs (if you will forgive the pun) is this.

i spoke to my doctor, he has placed me on xanax for two weeks to allow me to calm down a little and try to gain perspective. i have been secertly looking for a flat or house to rent but with the students due back soon they are scarce or really expensive.

she has been fairly quite but still went out to her friends house without me. a contact of mine was invited and was able to attend and so i know nothing happened.

i am still on edge, waiting for something to happen. i know she has been covering something up but cant prove it. ii hope that i will soon be able to move out but it will be very hard on all of us.

i cannot drink at the moment and she agreed not to drink while i am on the tablets.she thinks i hurt my back. it lasted one night then she was back on the drink.

need to go now but will update you when i can

thank you all again

LegacyUser

ok,where to begin?

i recorded her talking to her friend while having a few drinks in my house. she spoke about me in terms of deep contempt. she then lowered her voice to the point where i could not hear it on the dvd. her friend asked her "what did you two tell T" ( T being the friends house she had been in) " T told me you told her the dud story but then the real story"

wife repiled too low but i could make out "cheating" "thinks its in the past"

friend repiled "so she knows about (nod of head) but not about (nod of head)"

wife too low to hear.

after a huge row i talked to friend who claims this:

T flirted all night with guy,sat on his knee,kissed him and joked about feeling something hard,went into a room and had sex with him.

after i lied to wife about what her friend told me my wife says she
flirted all night with guy,sat on his knee,kissed him and joked about feeling something hard, then he said no and she gave up. she claims that T did not flirt,did not sit on his knee,did not tell the joke but did sleep with him.

i kicked her out yesterday (sunday) and she spent the night in her friends house.
today i agreed to help her hunt for a flat or house, on condition that she does not try to reconsile for at least a month.

after a long hard day we could not find a place. i am currently allowing her to sleep on the sofa pending me buying an airbed for spare room.

last night she was gone and i felt drunk,angry but happy.

tonight i feel like taking her in was the worst mistake of my life. i dont belive her, she admits she dragged up the past to cover that friday but insits that it was just a kiss.

just a kiss is as bad as anything because she admits she would have gone all the way if he had agreed. i dont belive he would have turned her down, he had no reason to. an easy lay begging for it is putting it mildly.

she swears she has changed because this time i threw her out but i dont belive her.

the older kids were happy she had gone but younger one was crying hard.

i am in a strange sort of twilight zone right now. this is just a big mess.

Taltos

OP - have you been for any legal advice yet?
If not - this is the thing you really need to concentrate on.

You need to be 100% aware of your rights and hers.

The last thing you need is her strong-arming you claiming child abuse or some other crazy thing that you have no immediate defense against.

In terms of the children - it is going to be tough. You are going to be fighting your own emotions here - anger/regret/hate/love etc - but on top of all that your younger kids are going to put you under a huge amount of pressure - "Daddy - why did you kick out Mummy..." - be ready for that - remember to breath and never ever lash back out at them - at their age they have NO hope of understanding and may never actually get what really happened here. For your sake and theirs - do not discuss details - reinforce that both their parents love them but that Mummy and Daddy just are no longer together - end of.

Get that advice though - sharpish.

StarryMoon0

My heart goes out to you.
I don't have much advice that others haven't already said.

I'm going to be a bit of a rebel here though regarding the medication. DO NOT stop taking it, however, just think about this.
If you were highly alergic to strawberries, and had to take medication to lessen the effect of the alergy, bearing in mind, you still got horribly ill, but the medication made it a bit less painful, would you continue to eat strawberries each and every day?
Clinical depression is one thing, its a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes deep ditsress and unhappiness causes depression. Would you rather take care of the root cause of the depression by looking out for yourself, taking care of yourself and respecting yourself, or would you rather dull the pain to make everything bearable?

Get thee-self to a counsellor for YOURSELF.
If your in Dublin, and your interested, I can recamend a guy who helped me immensly.
I also go to a support group whcich deals with some of this type of thing (lack of respect for yourself ect) which you might be interested. Its a place where you can talk openly without judgement and draw on other peoples experiences.

Be well