GF left me after ten years for another woman

LegacyUser

This is a very long and complicated story, but the long and short of it is that my partner of ten years left me for another woman. We have been together since college, and had planned marriage and kids. This has come out of the blue.

She said that she isn't a lesbian, and has never been attracted to any other woman before, but she met this woman recently and was completely attracted to her. Since then they have slept together a number of times. My partner says that she doesn't want a relationship with her, but has to explore this issue (bi or not) and wants space to do so (a min of six months). We can't tell our friends or families the real reason for our break up, till she knows what she wants (hence I'm here).

Taking this at face value, I can understand her need sort out her head, but on the other hand I feel that this is incredibly selfish and self centered. We are all attracted to others when in a relationship, but don't act on it. She says she still loves me and is attracted to me as always.

On a personal level my whole world has imploded. My future has evaporated, I lost her family whom I love, I feel utterly betrayed and my heart is breaking. I've agreed to give her the space, because I see no other option at the moment. None of this makes any sense.

If she was having an affair with a man I'd want him dead, and I would never want to see her again. But having sex with a woman doesn't bother me as much, and I think I can get over it, though I hate the woman in question. I am devastated though that my now ex might have feelings for this person, no matter how transient they may be, and more importantly that she is willing to walk out on me and everything we have/had.

Is it possible for a straight woman to discover bi-sexuality relatively late (early 30s)?
Am I being played?
Can/Should I take her back if she figures out it's not for her?
I've so much **** running though my mind right now I don't know what to ask. Can any bi/lesbians throw any light on this? Or anybody for that matter.
Am I being a fool, to hope that this is an experiment/phase and that we will (with a lot of counseling) get over this in a few months?
If not, how can I start my life over?????

Sorry this is so long

stephen_n

Ask yourself one simple question, if you replaced the woman in this scenario with a man, would you be waiting around for the answer? This is not an issue of sexuality it's an issue of boredom and wanting you to wait while she goes off and has her fun before she decides if she wants to commit to you for life. The gender of the person she is having sex with is irrelevant. My opinion based on my own experiences would be cut your losses and end the relationship permanently yourself!

baby and crumble

Hi there,

First off, can I just say I feel for you right now. The breaking down of a relationship that has been on for that long is a huge deal. I dont blame you for being hurt and confused.

If I can be 100% honest in my opinion here, your girlfriend sounds like she's incredibly selfish. While I know that it can be confusing and a bit mad to suddenly find yourself attracted to the same gender, if you are in a relationship in which you are still attracted to and love your partner, there is no reason to think you have a get out of jail free card. The idea that lesbian sex is somehow 'less' than straight sex is apparent both in her attitude, and in your comment:

If she was having an affair with a man I'd want him dead, and I would never want to see her again. But having sex with a woman doesn't bother me as much

And that baffles me slightly. Why is cheating with a woman not as bad as cheating with another guy? It seems to me as if your girlfriend wants a chance to go off and do some experimenting, but if it all goes tits up she has the safety net of you to come back to. That's not on, at least in my opinion.

Is it possible for a straight woman to discover bi-sexuality relatively late (early 30s)?

Yes.

Am I being played?

Honestly? I think so. Your girlfriend might be totally genuine in her feelings for this woman, however she is being quite disrespectful, in my opinion, by as you said, walking out on everything you've built in 10 years, and just expecting you to be ok with her shagging around with a woman.

Can/Should I take her back if she figures out it's not for her?

Only you can really answer that, but I think if it were me, it'd be a definite no.

Am I being a fool, to hope that this is an experiment/phase and that we will (with a lot of counseling) get over this in a few months?

I don't think you're being a fool, I think you're a man who is madly in love with someone who is using him, and his generosity and niceness. It may be an experiment, it may be an attempt by her to live a bit on the wild side, since you have been together a long time. However, her actions scream that she wants to have her cake and eat it too, to have an affair and be safe that if it all goes horribly wrong, that you'll be there.

A few months is very optimistic. Counselling isn't the magic fix. It can't put trust back into a relationship, which is the key thing that will be missing, or at least it would for me. Tbh, it wouldn't matter to me if my girlfriend cheated on me with a girl or a guy (my gf is bi, just an fyi) it's cheating, and in my book, thats a cowards way out of an unsatisfactory (for them) relationship. It's my honest opinion that you don't find or go looking for anything elsewhere if everything is ok in your own head and in the relationship. Perhaps she is now discovering her sexuality- but that should never ever mean that she disrespects you or a relationship that has gone on for a decade.

If not, how can I start my life over?????

Again, that's something only you can answer. What is important here is that IF the relationship does end, that it doesn't make you distrust women. Not all women will cheat, and trust me, not all bisexual women want both at the same time!

Whatever happens, I wish you well. I apologise if this reply has been a bit long-winded, but my heart goes out to you.

claire h

While it is entirely plausible that she's only now discovering her attraction towards women and that it may well be quite an identity-shaking experience for her, as others have said, it doesn't give her the right to take advantage of you.

It might be the case that it's a sort of one last fling for her before settling down - maybe the fact that it's another woman makes it easier for her and you to feel like that's okay, by being able to couch it in terms of exploring sexuality with another sex instead of exploring it in general. I'd certainly consider it 'real' sex however, regardless of whether it's casual or in the context of a romantic relationship.

If you're okay with the possibility that things might settle down and the two of you could get back together, then maybe take this time and do something for yourself - have a bit of fun, maybe go randomly score and/or sleep with other girls if that seems like an appealing option, focus on a hobby or interest you've always meant to devote more time to or take up, hang out with your friends and/or family, and generally focus on you for a while. It'll leave you in a much better position to decide whether you want to take her back or not, if that is an option several months down the line, and also ensure that you're not just sitting around waiting for her to sort out her head. If it's a break then make it one where you're both getting something out of the time apart. (Mind you, much of this applies even if you decide that you're just going to finish things now, but it sounds like it's all happened fairly recently and with a relationship that's lasted for so long, it's a good idea to give yourself a bit of thinking-time.)

Beruthiel

walking cliche wrote: »

If she was having an affair with a man I'd want him dead, and I would never want to see her again. But having sex with a woman doesn't bother me as much

I really don't get the above flawed thinking. There is no difference whatsoever between having an affair with a man or woman.

Can/Should I take her back if she figures out it's not for her?

That's entirely up to you.
But, were it me, I would be seeing this for what it is, ie - my partner of 10 years has gone off to have an affair with another person and they can basically feck off and not bother thinking that I'll be waiting around while they get their head together.
Consider yourself single OP - go out and have fun with your friends. If someone catches your eye, take advantage of it.
Don't waste your precious time on this earth hanging around for someone who is treating you like a mug.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks so all the posts so far.

I have a lot of decisions to make. For the record, I am not some wallflower or doormat, beholden to her spell, but I have been in love with her for ten years, and you can't just switch that off after 24hrs. What ever decision I make, I will have to live with, and I am not going to rush in to anything without learning as much as I can first.

Can any of you throw any light as to what she is going through?

She says she isn't lesbian, but is having sex with a woman.
She's not sure if she's bi, but she fifteen to twenty years after her sexual awakening I would have thought.
Is it possible for a straight woman to have a lesbian affair without being lesbian or bi??
Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??

Seriously though, thanks for the help and support:)

Annasopra

walking cliche wrote: »

Thanks so all the posts so far.

I have a lot of decisions to make. For the record, I am not some wallflower or doormat, beholden to her spell, but I have been in love with her for ten years, and you can't just switch that off after 24hrs. What ever decision I make, I will have to live with, and I am not going to rush in to anything without learning as much as I can first.

Can any of you throw any light as to what she is going through?

She says she isn't lesbian, but is having sex with a woman.
She's not sure if she's bi, but she fifteen to twenty years after her sexual awakening I would have thought.
Is it possible for a straight woman to have a lesbian affair without being lesbian or bi??
Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??

Seriously though, thanks for the help and support:)

It is possible for women who were married to come out subsequently to being married quite late in life TBH though I'm not entirely sure why you need all those questions answered - they are a little bit irrelevant surely?

claire h

walking cliche wrote: »

Thanks so all the posts so far.

I have a lot of decisions to make. For the record, I am not some wallflower or doormat, beholden to her spell, but I have been in love with her for ten years, and you can't just switch that off after 24hrs. What ever decision I make, I will have to live with, and I am not going to rush in to anything without learning as much as I can first.

Can any of you throw any light as to what she is going through?

She says she isn't lesbian, but is having sex with a woman.
She's not sure if she's bi, but she fifteen to twenty years after her sexual awakening I would have thought.
Is it possible for a straight woman to have a lesbian affair without being lesbian or bi??
Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??

Seriously though, thanks for the help and support:)

No one else gets to label your girlfriend's sexual identity - that's her choice. And only she knows why she's engaging in this behaviour or what she's getting out of it. And honestly, that last question is kind of offensive.

LegacyUser

Claire,

Thank you for your help to date, and I apologise if I have caused offense. I don't have many insights into the terminology, culture, pycshology, politics etc of lesbianism, and I came here in my own clumsy attempts to find out more. Unfortunately, the last question, is quiet close to what happened, except for the fact that I can't understand the dynamics or motivations in the situation. The only thing that can contextualise it is an understanding of what was going through her head (which I can't get), or what generous people here (like yourself) can tell me from their experiences.

I had hoped , through the fog of war, that the few (clumsy) questions were going from one end of the spectrum (my ex is a out and out lesbian - in denial or not) to the other (my ex is straight as a die and was seduced)(Sexual predators come in all genders and sexualities:)). I don't know where on this spectrum she is, but her own account of what happened asks more questions than it answers, and she herself seems confused and is insistent that it is purely physical.

There is so more I could say but that could compromise our identities, and it is now where near as black and white as most posters seem to have taken from my post, and that is understandable. I need to talk to a professional about all this at some stage, but I really appreciate all your opinions.

Please accept my sincere thanks for the help so far, and my sincere apologies.

quibbles

Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??

claire h wrote: »

honestly, that last question is kind of offensive.

Why?

claire h

quibbles wrote: »

Is it possible for a young butch lesbian to enthrall a straight girl for a fling without her having some lesbian tendencies??



Why?

Why does it matter that she's a 'butch' lesbian? Words like 'enthrall' make it sound like she's manipulated someone almost against her will - it's a dreadful stereotype of a big scary predatory dyke seducing the poor little innocent straight girl against her will, and honestly there's still enough of a sense that this is how same-sex relationships work (that there's a gay predator and straight victim) for it to be a problematic thing to say.

OP, thanks for your response and I hope the above comment clarifies my point somewhat. I understand your need to try to classify the situation with your ex-girlfriend in some way, but as I said earlier, sexual orientation isn't something that anyone else can classify - it's not like a medical condition where there are definite categories with definite symptoms and she has to fit into a particular box. E.g. for some people, to have a woman 'physically attracted to women while emotionally and physically attracted to men' would count as straight, for others bi, for others something else that can't quite be summed up in a one-word label. Not to mention that how the person themselves deals with and interprets their attractions has a big effect on how they label it for themselves and how they handle it. She could decide she's straight - it doesn't invalidate the fact that she's slept with another woman or been attracted to one, just that she's choosing not to incorporate it into her overall sexual identity. I guess what I'm saying is it might be helpful to think more about her actions rather than trying to place her on a spectrum.

NUIG_FiannaFail

Another example of a life ruined by the gay agenda

Links234

NUIG_FiannaFail wrote: »

Another example of a life ruined by the gay agenda

baby and crumble

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD at the agenda, I ALWAYS forget the milk! Feck it anyway...

Heebie

Not exactly a useful thing to say to someone who's obviously in pain.. what a *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP*

NUIG_FiannaFail wrote: »

Another example of a life ruined by the gay agenda

Annasopra

Heebie wrote: »

Not exactly a useful thing to say to someone who's obviously in pain.. what a *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP*

- NUIG_Fianna Fail has been site banned so no point in discussing his trolling

Aard

First of all, OP, don't worry about causing offence. (Which, fwiw, you haven't caused me, at least.) This is all new to you. For all intenive porpoises, you have not had to give much/any thought to homosexuality before. It's natural if you don't know much about it, and/or put your foot in it.


I have no idea if your (ex-)partner is actually gay or not. Assuming she is gay, the relationship is over.


OTOH, if she's not gay, and comes back, then that's a bit tricky. I would love to say that if I were in that situation, I would say to hell with her. She cheated, so she can go **** herself. However, much to my dismay, I'm not a robot. I think I would probably give her a second chance. 10 years is a lot to invest in a relationship, yet (after some cooling-off period, no doubt) I would probably want to continue where we left off.


For me, the main pickle is figuring out whether or not she is actually still attracted to men/you. Even if she is bisexual, I would think that you would fall into the category of "attractees". I'd give her a time-frame to make her mind up by. Setting such a boundary is important, as she'll stop taking you for a ride, so to speak.


Good luck.

dory

Sorry to hear of your situation OP.

First of all, you should know that this is very common. I've been involved with a few women (mostly unknowingly) who have had boyfriends/husbands. The first girl I ever kissed as a wee teenager was a few weeks off her wedding.

They all eventually went back to men after having a few months of fun. But I know some of them still call me from time to time (and I tell them to get lost). Even though I've sort of been there before, I still can't predict what your partner will do. But from the patterns I've seen she'll most likely come back.

Then, it's completely up to you. I've heard of many women coming out in their 40's/50's. I know a lot of 'straight' girls who throughout their lives will always have a soft spot for some female fun. But as for your dyke stereotype - no, I've never heard of that happening in real life. What do you actually mean by 'seducing'? Unless you mean the Irish method of getting them blind drunk?

Again, I'm sorry this has happened. But I'm with the others, cheating is cheating.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

Keith Woods Short Shorts

Hi,

I suppose I have to begin by saying that I think the situation you're in is horrible and there but for the grace of God go I.

However I don't think you're giving us the full story here and I guess that you're being a little self serving in the details you have given and the details you have failed to give.

The first question that came to my mind after reading your post was why after ten years together were you not married with kids or at least married? In fairness to you you did say you were planning or you had talked about it but surely if both parties to the relationship were as happy as you make out after ten years marriage and kids wouldn't just be some sort of vague talked about plan?

My second thought upon reading this is that surely one party to any long term relationship such as yours does not suddenly without any warning or underlying issue decide to throw it all away. You make no mention of any problems you may have been having in your relationship but it would seem to me that if your relationship was a healthy one this wouldn't have happened at all and that the end of your relationship was an inevitability.

You seem to be looking for someone to blame in your post, the other girl in particular seems to be a target for you but perhaps you should look at yourself and ask was your relationship with your ex girlfriend really as strong as you are making it out to have been or is this a threat to your masculinity and are you are trying to blame anyone you can except yourself?

I hope I haven't caused any offense as that is not my intention but I feel that you need to look closer to home for the reasons for your ex girlfriends actions.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Wonder who you are then!!:) (Ms first poster)

But for the record, I did say that this was " a long and complicated story".

For clarifications sake, and not to be adversarial

1. I, and others have covered the marriage point already

2. I am not trying to blame anyone just yet because I have no idea what is going on with anything. My world is spinning like Richard Hammond in a rocket car. I came here to learn more

3. I am more than aware of the problems in our relationship, but with respect to all involved, I am not the one running from them, or using them to justify other actions. I genuinely want to address them.

4. Nobody runs in to a gay fling because there are issues at home. Certainly not for our issues. It's either in you or it's not.

djk1000

I don't think her sexuality is the issue. Whether someone likes guys or girls or both is intensely personal and unexplainable. Some people know that they are gay at an early age, others enjoy the company of the opposite sex for many years before discovering an attraction to the same sex. Some switch back and forth a few times in their lives depending on their attraction to particular people, others switch back and forth regularly. Many will have same sex flirtations or maybe only one experience in their lives.

The point I'm making is that man of the questions you're asking can't really be answered by anyone, probably not even by your girlfriend.

All that aside, what's happened to you is a terrible thing, what she is saying is no excuse. If she was attracted to another man, she probably wouldn't act on it because she wouldn't have a convenient excuse like this to use.

If the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would be so understanding?

LegacyUser

djk1000 wrote: »

If she was attracted to another man, she probably wouldn't act on it because she wouldn't have a convenient excuse like this to use.

If the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would be so understanding?

She actually said that had it been a man she would have ignored him and focussed on us, but because it was a woman she had to go and explore that side of herself.

Probably not, but I can't turn my feeling off I'm afraid. I'm going to have to fall out of love. A friend once said that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over someone. I'm hoping that that isn't true for long long term ones!

Thanks again to all

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm sorry, I've only just read your story after searching on this issue on Google.

I'm in an almost identical situation, but sadly the other woman in question is one of my best friends -which makes even worse.

My girlfriend of 12 years, with whom I lived and was planning to get married, has dropped a similar bomb shell all of a sudden - except she wants a clean break. It's very sudden, and I'll not go into all the details, but it seems so quick I don't think she can be sure.

She still loves me and wants to be friends, and still finds me attractive. I'm hoping she will change her mind and this is just something that will run its course, but I don't know.

I was wondering if there had been any developments in your situation.

Sorry if this is being selfish, I could just do with some advice from someone who's been in the same boat.