Confused

LegacyUser

Where do I start ?

My wife and I have been together since we were in our teens we are now in our early forties and married for coming up to eighteen years we have two kids .

Like most couples we have had our ups and down in the years but managed to work things out and move forward but over the last two years we seem to have been on different paths. Although this did upset me, and her I am sure, we seem to just get on with life, me working full time and her part time as well as raising our two kids. It's got to the stage we haven't slept together in over a year and have very little loving contact.

Why I am writing this now is, we are just back from a extended family event and as I watched other couples interact and then looked at my wife from a far I realised something that made me cold to the core, I didn't love her anymore. I have to say this came as a shock to me so much so I had to leave the event for an hour just to try and compose myself.

How could this have happened ? I have to say my wife is a great mother a loving caring person and my best friend but I feel I have been fighting this feeling deep down for a long time.

I just don't know what to do, I am in shock, where do I go from here? do I carry on as if nothing has changed or do I tell her how I feel ? what about the kids, the house how do we tell people? I feel my head is going to burst.

I would love any input from others who have been through are going through this.

Thank you for reading.

FlashGordon1969

I have not been married long but here goes:

I think you owe it to your wife and yourself to have an honest chat. Don't come out and say you dont love here-thats explosive and usually means you are about to walk out the door. Tell her you feel that you have drifted apart. I presume you want to save the marriage? Perhaps contact ACCORD?
A lot of men regret leaving their wives and end up very lonely. Think long and hard about your next move-if you want to save marriage talk to her and see where chat leads.

Ectoplasm

what to do wrote: »

I have to say my wife is a great mother a loving caring person and my best friend but I feel I have been fighting this feeling deep down for a long time.

You say that you don't love your wife - and I'm not doubting your sentiment but from what you have written, it does sound like you still have some deep feelings for her. I know I love my best friend, even if it is platonic. It may be a case that you aren't in love with her right now, but you have invested time and effort in this relationship. I think you owe it to yourself and your wife to see if it is worth salvaging. It may be that you have grown too far apart, but I think if you make hasty decisions, it could be something you regret.

By talking honestly with your wife about the problems in your relationship and making time to work on them, then, even if it doesn't work out, you will know that you made the effort and are less likely to have regrets in the longterm.

the gob

From your post i believe you DO still love your wife but you both have
lost the SPARK
You have both been taking each other for granted, not on purpose,but this can be common in long relationships.

The first thing to do is sort out why you are not sleeping together
this is pivotal!- No sex in a marriage is just a symtom of a bigger issue.

put the jobs and kids on the back burner for a while and talk talk talk.

Treat her to a new haircut and clothes and tell her you want to take her out - woman love to feel attractive- this may help the conversation flow

Listen calmly to her wants and needs and express yours in the same manor.

hope it works out

mercer

hi..

i've been reading a lot of problems similar to your one of late and the advice is this:

relationships are hard work. the more you put into love the more you gain in return. falling out of love with someone does not happen over night and repairing these feelings is the same. getting your wife a new haircut etc will not fix things.

you need (and owe) your wife - the mother of your children, honesty. she may see red and be hurt by your omissions but you must tell her how you feel. put time into talking things through no matter how tough it may seem to admit to your feelings.

if you really did not love her, then you wouldn't feel guilt or remorse for feeling this way. guilt does not exist without love. however this love may have developed.

put time into the physical and emotional aspect of your marriage. do not walk away without a fight. it will take a long time to repair the drift but it will happen.

i have a degree in psychology and if there is one thing i have learned its that people have an amazing capacity for manufacturing their own happiness. and you can do this by investing in your relationship. think about your life without this relationship and you may feel as though you are walking into a bigger hole then the one you perceive yourself to be in.

i think you should stay and work things out, take up a mutual hobby together, talk brutally honest to one another, allocate alone time together, admit that it will be hard, but, that the possibility of a stronger relationship is possible at the end.

i wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Original poster here,

Thank you all for your advice it is well received and very helpful.
I took time over the last couple of days to cam down and think about my problem and I know you are all right I can’t just give up without at least trying to see if we can get the spark going.
So I have arranged for the kids to stay at my parents this Friday and Saturday night and I am going to talk to my wife about how I feel and see how she feels.
I know it’s not going to be easy as no one wants to feel like there not loved, me included, and I have to accept she my feel the same way I do.

I do still have feelings for my wife but I think they are more admiration and friendship as she is a good person and not love as in the sexual sense but these are things we need to try and build on to get back on track.

So wish us look for the weekend and thank you again for your advice.

washiskin

I really feel for you here, lad.
My folks went through something similar. Talking was the key and thank God they were much happier and contented before my Da passed on.

Best of luck.