Do I go back or not?

Chuchoter

Already posted this over in PI but would like to get you guys's opinion on the matter

So back in February I came out as gay to my parents and they took it really badly and banned me from seeing any of my gay friends/going to this gay youth group. The deal was that if I went to counselling until my 17 birthday (last week) I could go back. I basically haven't left the house since February because I'm not allowed and now that I've done all the counselling I should be able to go back. The thing is I think my parents will be furious as they've basically tried to forget the whole thing happened.What now?

Dark Artist

You've basically wasted your time agreeing to your parents demands. I know it must be very tough having parents like that though.

If you can somehow get it across to them that no amount of counseling or 'therapy' will ever change the fact that you're gay, that would be good. You need your friends and your social life if you're going to be happy.

unreggd

Did they say what their aim of sending you to counselling was?

and wat is your counselor trying to accomplish with you?

Also, why do you specify your "gay friends"

a friend is a friend

a youth club is a youth club

As much as they wanna forget/change it, they know what the truth is in the back of their minds

Just go about your own life then maybe speak to them again in a few months. You're nearly 18, stand up for yourself

Annasopra

how has the counselling gone? have you discussed issues to do with your parents at the counselling?

stephen_n

I'm going to assume that the counselor is in no way trying to change your sexuality and also is not discussing your sessions with your parents as both would be extremely unethical stances that would cost him his accreditation. Do you go back is not something others can really decide for you though. There are many things to consider as at 17 you have many choices with regards to staying at home or leaving. About trying to hide the truth from your parents or indeed sitting down and trying to have an adult conversation with them explaining how much pain there continued attempts to not accept who you are will cause you. But no one on here knows you or your parents which makes you the best placed to make the decission for yourself, your counselor should be the one to help you make this choice as he should be best placed to help you find what's right for you.

On a personal note it really saddens me that you have to go through this and I really hope you find a way that won't make the pain any deeper.

Chuchoter

Counselling wasn't really about trying to ungay me as much as my parents try to make me not confused or something. I actually do think its made me a lot less naive about people (including my parents) because I used to be so trusting of all these different people and they've all screwed me over, so in that respect it was a worthwhile endeavor. The counselor has said to them that I don't have any issues around my being gay and that I'm sure of myself ( I was there when she said this) but whenever my mum is there she generally starts talking about my mum's post-natal depression when she had me and how that has somehow done something to me. The counselor says I probably shouldn't go back as it will cause more hassle with my parents than its worth, and I'm going into 5th year and don't really have the time for hassle.

I've tried my best to understand their side of the story but they've just dismissed me. I've never been a rebellious person but I'm thinking my main options now are to continue on placating then the next few years or just say **** you I'm doing what I want, both of which have substantial pros and cons.

@unreggd: Its a specific youth group for gay teens and I keep like 3 sets of separate friends:school ones, sports ones and ones I know from the youth group who all happen to be gay.

Dark Artist

What problems do they have with you going to the youth group anyway?? It's not like you're going out shoplifting and mugging people.

There's nothing immoral about attending a youth group for young gay people, so why shouldn't you go? The problem isn't with you. The problem is your parents' views on homosexuality and its something they need to get over. You're not rebelling by wanting to hang out with your friends. You're just trying to be a normal person. It's just a youth group, for crying out loud.

Heebie

There's a lot of good information here for you to consider. Here's one more bit:

They agreed to let you go back if you went to counseling until your 17th birthday, and you've complied with the conditions that were agreed.

If you have friends there, and you WISH to go back, you should.

You might be reading more into your parents' "request" (demand?) than is there. [but you might not be.. I don't know your folks.)

My Parents asked me to go see a psychologist because they were concerned that I might be becoming schizophrenic. (There's a history of schizophrenia on both sides of the family, and it generally hits males during adolescence.) They MIGHT have been rationalising. My Dad took the news fairly well, my Mum on the other hand was raging on about how she didn't raise her son "to be like that", and about how she would "never accept it", and "No 'friend' of yours will ever be welcome in my house."
After assurances from the psychologist that I was indeed sane and entirely capable of recognising my own sexuality, she got used to it.

I was outed to my folks by the only two people I'd ever told (friends of mine) so I don't know if they would have taken it better if I'd been the one to tell them about it.

One other thing: Having 3 "sets" of friends sounds very complicated. Some of your friends will inevitably meet some of your other friends. You should make sure to try & be yourself with all of them.. "acting" all the time to fit in with each group would be exhausting, and the entire "act" would fall apart as soon as friends from 2 or all 3 "sets" were in the same place at the same time.
Do yourself a HUGE favor & don't hide things from any of your friends. If they can't accept you for whom you are.. they're not really your friends anyway.

Good luck!

Annasopra

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'm thinking my main options now are to continue on placating then the next few years or just say **** you I'm doing what I want, both of which have substantial pros and cons.

There is an option of trying to be reasonable and rational with them - try to sit down with them - tell them you have fulfilled your part of the deal by going to counselling and that you would like them to fulfill their part by returning to the youth group, tell them you think counselling has helped you a lot and you're not confused and also tell them that you think the youth group will also help you

stephen_n

It's hard listening to your story not to want to grab your parents and shake them to make them see what they are doing to you, or not to project personal experiences of lack of acceptance on your story. From what you have said your parents could probably do with a bit of counseling themselves. Maybe you could consider asking your counselor to have a family session with your parents which she can mediate and hopefully allow everyone to see the others point of view? Placating your parents may come at a very very high price emotionally and will almost certainly impact negatively on your self esteem so maybe finding some sort of compromise may be the answer. I'm sure your parents love you but ignorance is not a mitigating factor when it comes to hurting your children.

Beruthiel

Johnnymcg wrote: »

There is an option of trying to be reasonable and rational with them - try to sit down with them - tell them you have fulfilled your part of the deal by going to counselling and that you would like them to fulfill their part by returning to the youth group, tell them you think counselling has helped you a lot and you're not confused and also tell them that you think the youth group will also help you

I'd have a go at Johnnys above suggestion.

I'd like to bang your parents heads together. You sound dead reasonable and yet, they treat you like an idiot.

You should be calm and logical when dealing with them.
If they cannot listen to reason, you will have to make your own decision on what to do next.
I know that once my daughter turned 18, I really pulled back on my interference in her life. My thinking being, she's an adult now, time to cut the apron strings.
You're nearly there, so perhaps it's time they started to see you as an adult.
Remember, a parent will only start treating their child like an adult, when you start acting like one.
Time to stand up for yourself.
Just be firm and don't loose the cool.
Good luck!

Annasopra

Oh and also - maybe refer them to


http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/