unhappy in long term relationship that seems to be going nowhere fast.

LegacyUser

i have been in a relationship for eight years with a man who claims he loves me very much. he is addicted to a hobby that has him going away quite regularly and spending a significant amount of our resouces, which we pool. . i am invited to go most of the time, and i do attend probably half the events each year. i feel like he thinks that he only has to say he loves me for me to feel loved. i thinkthat love is caring for someone, showing consideration and interest in what makes the other happy and trying to lighten anothers burdens in life. needless to say my partner never wnats to do ANYTHING i want to do, never does household chores, wont cook a meal or wash clothes, sometimes cuts the grass, thats it, his personal hygiene is appalling and i find this a mahor turn off, i have to suggest to him that he have a shower... i feel very alone and discontented. i would like to enjoy a more frequant physical realtionship but i am very unhappy and to be frank put off by him alot of them time. i spoke with him yesterday (he is away) and he wouldnt say he loved me, i guess because he was infront of his friends. he told me to shut up in front of other people, and blows up over things people shouldnt need to get angry about.... as im writing this im realising more and more problems i have and am questioning weather it is worth it as all. any advice please.

coolcat63

And his good points are?!

Seriously, a relationship is supposed to make you feel good, it's supposed to be fun (most of the time) and it's supposed to be a partnership.

If you aren't happy then why stay? Surely being on your own, and happy, is better than being in a miserable 'relationship' for the sake of it?

Oh, and stop pooling your resources.

Sound Bite

In your entire post you do not say one good thing about him or your relationship.

Why it the point of this relationship?
Its not making your happy.
Your not attracted to your partner.
You don't even have a decent sex life.
Your partner doesn't appear to care much about you either.

If its this bad nto, what'll it be like in another 8 years. Don't stay with someone for no other reason that habit.

katie99

Leave him. You have had nothing positive to say about him so time is to move on.
Why have you put up with him for so long?
Onbviously, you have out grown this relationship.
Shut up shop and go.

Miss Fluff

Why are you actually with him then?

LegacyUser

thanks for taking the time out to reply, i dont know why im still with him unfortunately, i still seem to love him but i feel underapreciated. we joint own a house, and have been together a long time, when i think about him i see the guy i fell in love with i guess, i definatley think he's changed for the worse and i cant seem to rap my head around it. he used to be attentive and caring , would do anything for you if you asked...still does for his friends... he took it into his head back in feb to build me a lil workshop, (i like pottery) but ask him to take responsibltiy for a job or chore in the houseand he forgets needs to be reminded contstantly then gets thick, he lost his job and money is tight (his hobby while time consuming is firly cheap, but expensive in the big pictureas were are shorton cash now) when he was working he would be fair and pay his way. i dunno, i think i wll take part of coolcats adivce and stop pooling resources, and whan he gets back see if he will be resonable and pull his weight... i think we are getting near the end of the road

Zen65

sad lady wrote: »

i dont know why im still with him unfortunately, i still seem to love him but i feel underapreciated. we joint own a house, and have been together a long time, ...

Hi Op,

If this was the best reason somebody else had for being with their partner, and they were unhappy, what advice would you give?


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

sad lady wrote: »

i have been in a relationship for eight years with a man who claims he loves me very much. he is addicted to a hobby that has him going away quite regularly and spending a significant amount of our resouces, which we pool. . i am invited to go most of the time, and i do attend probably half the events each year. i feel like he thinks that he only has to say he loves me for me to feel loved. i thinkthat love is caring for someone, showing consideration and interest in what makes the other happy and trying to lighten anothers burdens in life. needless to say my partner never wnats to do ANYTHING i want to do, never does household chores, wont cook a meal or wash clothes, sometimes cuts the grass, thats it, his personal hygiene is appalling and i find this a mahor turn off, i have to suggest to him that he have a shower... i feel very alone and discontented. i would like to enjoy a more frequant physical realtionship but i am very unhappy and to be frank put off by him alot of them time. i spoke with him yesterday (he is away) and he wouldnt say he loved me, i guess because he was infront of his friends. he told me to shut up in front of other people, and blows up over things people shouldnt need to get angry about.... as im writing this im realising more and more problems i have and am questioning weather it is worth it as all. any advice please.

Hi op

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but i disagree with posters who say to dump him. Ok, he has a hobby (it would be worse him moping around the house), he doesn't pull his weight around the house (sortable), not telling you he loves you in front of his friends (understandable). Not having a regular shower (nasty but sortable)

Only you can say if it worth it or not. Why did you fall in love with him in the first place? its very easy to forget that and become relaxed in a LTR. Have you any hobbies yourself?

Maybe if you started making the effort to go with him when he goes off doing his hobby, all the other things may fall into place

Stop pooling the money, if he wants money for his hobby he will have to pay for it himself. stop washing his clothes and cooking his meals for him until he pulls his finger out and realises you are not his servant.

What hobby is it by the way?

LegacyUser

hi guys thanks for responses, i do go to his stuff, (which is treasure hunting as he calls it..but is realy 1950's memoraible and car boot/auction shopping... he could spend days at these, and had filled the spare room.he lives for cash in the attic and other such boring (to me) programmes. i like golf which he hates, i try to play twice a month at least , (i am the sole earner at the moment, working full time) but i have attended car boots and flee markets many a time!. his biggest outgoings are petrol(which could be £50 a trip), sometimes flights/ferries and of course spending money. i think a major problem for me is working all week to come home to an empty messyhouse and as we share a car i cant even go off myeself! (i walk to the factory were i work)

to zen i guess the advice i would give would be run away fast... but at 47, could this be as good as it gets?

coolcat63

As someone who is 47 in less than a month I can tell you - no, the life you're living is NOT as good as gets. Question; how do you see your life in 10/20/30 years time? Stuck in the same rut and feeling increasingly resentful but not seeing a way out? Or enjoying your life and doing what pleases YOU and possibly with a partner you love, respect and have fun with?

You only have the one life but you've got years of it left so please, don't let it dribble away. I'm not saying leave him (if you truly believe you have a future together) but at least stand up for yourself and ask him to make the changes you need to make you happy. If he won't then you will know if he really cares for you.

Good luck.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, please get rid of him. He SMELLS :eek:, is selfish and boring and puts you down in front of others. You don't love him, you are just holding onto a sentimental memory of what he used to be.

I co-owned a house with a bloke who like that was a loser. I got out of it and never EVER regretted it. All I regretted was not doing it sooner. Very happy now with a much better and hotter man.

You only get one life. Men like this are pretty much parasites. He's doing his hobby AT YOUR EXPENSE and you're enabling him.

Get rid of him.

sara-lou

Over time people change and are interested in other things, he does sound very selfish and could his hygiene problems be an esteem thing or was it always a problem??

Life is too short, bet there are plenty of men dying to meet a woman who is into golf!!!! If he is not willing to put a better effort in with you then there really isn't anymore you can do. He might just need a wake up call, he seems to attend to his own needs and buddies needs ok?