What's "normal" in a relationship?

LegacyUser

I’m 25 years old, and for the past 8 months I’ve been going out with a girl (also 25).
I’ve been on my share of dates before, but, I’ve never been a big fan of being a “boyfriend”.
More often than not, after a handful of dates I say “it was nice to meet you, but…”.
(Maybe I’m “afraid of commitment”, or just an ass, I dunno.)

I really liked this one girl though, and decided enough was enough. Time to jump in head first, and give it a decent shot.
So, 8 months later, and I’m in love (I told her this at month 6).

The thing is; I don’t know what’s “normal” at this stage of a relationship.
The girl in question actually genuinely stresses me out sometimes.

i.e.
She always wants me to text her before; during, and after I go out to the pub for the night and she’s not there.

The other day she accused me of “staring” at one of her friends, and said “everyone noticed it. It’s ok though, it’s normal!”
(Which never happened. Fact.)

She constantly asks me if I love her. (2/3 times a day, every day.)

We were due to go on holidays once, and I was on a 2 hour bus journey to her house the day before it.
I fell asleep on the bus, and woke up to see 12 missed calls from her.
“Why are you ignoring me? Do you still want to go on holidays with me? Think about it….*hangs up*”

There’s an awful lot of talk about marriage / kids.
(i.e. “Do you think that some day eventually, we might get married?”)

She lives in a small apartment with just her, and her best friend (a guy). I’m ok with this.
Yet, any time a girl so much as looks in my direction, she grabs my hand / gives me a hug / kisses me.

Going to the cinema, some comedy film, I can’t remember the name of it, but some semi-naked girls appeared on the screen.
Sure enough, her hands went over my eyes, and she laughed, saying “I don’t want you falling in love with them!”
(For 10 seconds)


There’s an awful lot more than the above. Some of it a bit worse in fact, but, again, I’m afraid that I appear to be an ass by “making a list” like this.
It’s just that all of it bothers me a lot, and it’s like talking to a brick wall if I bring it up with her in conversation.

Part of it may be me looking for an “escape route”, but, I’m afraid that the damage is done now, and I love her.
The roots are in; and the anchor is down.

Don’t get me wrong. The good times are amazing, and it’s well worth it for some silly fights every now and again; but…
Is any of the above “normal” relationship stuff?

redhed35

i dont mean to offend,but your girlfriend sounds needy and insecure.

you dont.

is it normal,i guess that depends where you coming from.

for me,its too needy.

your girlfriend needs to build her self esteem,and have a life apart from your relationship.

men are visual creatures,they like to look,there no harm in looking,as for the cinema,if she thinks cameron diaz is going to be in your local anytime soon and she will fall crazy in love with you,well,thats pushing the bounds of credibility a little.

your with her,you have given her no reason not to trust you,its her issue,not yours.

if she cant pull it back and realise that you love her and all that entails then perhaps you may want to reconsider the relationship.

having too let her know where you are and what your doing would wreak my head,i dont care,im busy!

talk to her,perhaps she has been cheated on before and her insecurity stems from this.

the only way to sort this out is open and honest communicaton.

for me, its a deal breaker,too needy,too insecure,too much hassel.

K_P

Getting Stressed wrote: »

Is any of the above “normal” relationship stuff?

For an insecure adolescent head-wrecker, yes.

For a supposedly mature reasonably intelligent woman, no, definitely not.

Wibbs

sunflower27 wrote: »

How old is she?

First line of his post.

I agree, she sounds like very hard work. I've been in a relationship with someone similar and it does get very wearing over time. The problem is trying to solve it. If you play along with it it gets worse not better IMHO. There will be never enough reassurance. If you push against it, it again gets worse. Maybe try explaining how this behaviour is beginning to grate with you and she has no reason to be worried. You are with her. End of. Hopefully she gets the message.

FortyPlusHubby

Getting Stressed wrote: »

She constantly asks me if I love her. (2/3 times a day, every day.)

Try this..... every time you meet up with her start by saying "I love you,....now don't make me say it again!" Say it in a happy, loving way, not in a controlling way.

Do this every time you meet up. Eventually, when it's you that's taking the initiative, she may cease to feel the need to keep asking you.

If this does not work, you need counselling!

Cheers,

40pH

astra2000

sunflower27 wrote: »

Thing is, she won't change if you don't take it clear you aren't accepting it anymore.

I think you need to have a serious talk to her about it. She needs to know how annoying she is needing constant reassurance. It's a lot to put up with OP.

I agree with sunflower 100% you need to talk with her this is not normal has she had a really bad relationship before you that is causing her to have such a lack of trust. The hands over your eyes , staring at your friend accusation are nuts and you say there are even worse things than these examples thats not good at all. You need to have a serious talk and set some boundaries because it will just get worse.

Tender Hoop

you have got to lay down the law here man. Be a bastard and tell her to back off.

Not to sound to harsh, but this is completely normal behaviour for a high-maintenance girl. A constant need for reassurance. Everyone's insecure, but this girl clearly needs quite a bit of attention. A lot of girls are like this, but you're fully entitled to think it's strange. Personally I find it headwrecking to see my friends act like this.

The problem is, when a girl acts like this, it's usually because she genuinely thinks she deserves your constant adoration. She kinda needs it too. If you're not the kind of guy who can satisfy these needs, I'd say you should probably re-evaluate the relationship.

Either way, you should definitely bring it up with her if it bothers you.

AngryBadger

OP this is a form of control, whether it's born of malice, or just insecurity is the only thing that's in question. Personally I think this kind of thing is always selfish, whether we're talking about men OR women.

Your gf may genuinely be so insecure that she feels compelled to carry on like this, (because carry-on is all it is at this extreme), but she is in effect projecting responsibility for her sense of self-worth onto you.

If you're cool with that, (and your post suggests you're not), then you need to be firm with her, and there's no easy way to do that. True there's plenty of hand-wringingly-complicated ways of doing it, but ultimately none of these will work because any kind of loophole is enough for someone that acts like this to slip through.

Tell her you're not constantly texting her when you're out with your own mates, you're not on day-release ffs. If she's making stuff up, (like that you're staring at her friends), politely tell her that you're not and don't entertain the issue any further. Proceed along similar lines with the rest of her behavior, and either she'll cop on, or there'll be a massive row. If she cops on then huzzah bust out the champers. If there's a massive row then I think it's time to call it a day and cut your losses.

BAM!

Beruthiel

As has been said, she's needy and insecure. You need to nip this in the bud or it will get worse.
Sit her down and explain that there is a reason you have chosen her to be your first long term relationship, but that her constant need for attention is becoming tiresome and she needs to realise that there is no need for it and that it's not helping.

btw, talking about marriage after eight months, I'd be scared!