Rules of Dating?

LegacyUser

Ok I will try to keep this brief and to the point. I have been in a relationship for just over two months with my girlfriend. We dated for about a month, maybe month and a half before we made things official that we were in a relationship.

The past two months have been great. I have fallen for this girl big time, and I know she feels the same about me. I have never had a partner show me such love and affection before.

I do however have one hang up, that I don't want to destroy this relationship, but at the same time I am not sure on how to deal with it. Basically while we were dating I knew she wasn't being exclusive with me, in that I knew she was kissing other people, she briefly mentioned one of them on our second date. I personally don't like to do things like that if I am dating a person, I like to keep things at just being one person, but I know and accept not everybody follows that same rule. Therefore I continued to see her until we did finally have a chat and make things official. After we talked and entered into the relationship I knew I could trust her completely and still do. The kissing other people was something that would play on my mind and jealousy from time to time, but ultimately I was pushing it aside as I knew we weren't properly together. However, a couple of nights ago while we were talking she told me that she had slept with someone else on a one night stand, during the time when we were dating. This left me feeling gutted to be honest. She knew I was very upset, and kept crying and explaining why she did it. On one hand I can understand her actions from her point of view, but on the other I am still very gutted. I feel kissing a few people is one thing, sex is a whole new level, and I feel hurt that she did it. We talked for a long while about it and eventually agreed to forget about it, and be happy now. However the last few days I have been finding it easier said than done. I still love her very much and trust her in the relationship, but hate that she slept with this other person. I feel a little cheated that I gave her more than she gave me from the start.

I want to stay with her, but I don't know what to do about how I feel about her having sex with this other person. I am not sure if it is even rational or if I have a right to be upset? I just don't know what I think, and I think if I drag it up again it will end up destroying us. Please help me if you can with any advice.

LegacyUser

TBH we have taken the whole dating notion from the American model and it's ridiculous. Wait til about 3rd date to have sex, while dating there is no exclusivity, etc.
Do we not have minds of our own?

When I did the whole 'dating' thing, the two people were usually exclusive but it was casual. And like yourself it wasn't made official until x amount of weeks, whatever felt right for the people concerned.

I hate the American notion of spreading yourself around while dating. It's horrible. I prefer to concentrate my energy.
At the same time I wouldn't be too hard on your girlfriend. It looks like she was following this model and probably took it for granted that you were doing the same. I don't really agree with the model but that's neither here nor there.

Your girlfriend was open and honest with you because the relationship wasn't exclusive. Now that it is, I'm sure she won't be with other people. But that's up to yourself, if you trust her.

redhed35

for me,i dont think she has anything wrong,you two were not really an item,and perhaps her feelings for you were not as strong as your feelings for her....in the begining.

now she has given you full disclosure,she trusted you to tell you,dont go clubbing her over the head with guilt when really you two were not official.

no one is as pure as the driven snow,we have all done things we are ashamed of or cringe when we think about it,i assume you too are human and have done things in your past.

things are good now between you,let the relationship develop at a natural pace,dont let this ruin what could be a great relationship.

jealously is a useless emotion,it serves no one.

let it go,and get on with getting to know her.

AngryBadger

OP I'd be wondering why she bothered to even tell you this? If you were "ok" with her kissing other people while ye were not exclusive that's all fine and dandy, but why would she feel the need to share this with you at all? Unless you asked her about it, in which case as they say "ask a stupid question....".

I can understand that on some level we all like to think that when we're seeing someone (even though it may not be officially an exclusive situation) that they aren't going to want to meet other people while meeting us, and when that turns out not to be the case it can be upsetting, but that's all there is to it, if people aren't clear on what they expect then they shouldn't complain about it after the fact. So I think you need to put this out of your head.

But I'm curious as all hell as to why she even bothered to tell you this? I can't imagine a scenario where it would make sense to tell a new partner that you slept with someone else while dating them?

Cullen82

Doesn'tWantABrokenHeart wrote: »

Ok I will try to keep this brief and to the point. I have been in a relationship for just over two months with my girlfriend. We dated for about a month, maybe month and a half before we made things official that we were in a relationship.

The past two months have been great. I have fallen for this girl big time, and I know she feels the same about me. I have never had a partner show me such love and affection before.

I do however have one hang up, that I don't want to destroy this relationship, but at the same time I am not sure on how to deal with it. Basically while we were dating I knew she wasn't being exclusive with me, in that I knew she was kissing other people, she briefly mentioned one of them on our second date. I personally don't like to do things like that if I am dating a person, I like to keep things at just being one person, but I know and accept not everybody follows that same rule. Therefore I continued to see her until we did finally have a chat and make things official. After we talked and entered into the relationship I knew I could trust her completely and still do. The kissing other people was something that would play on my mind and jealousy from time to time, but ultimately I was pushing it aside as I knew we weren't properly together. However, a couple of nights ago while we were talking she told me that she had slept with someone else on a one night stand, during the time when we were dating. This left me feeling gutted to be honest. She knew I was very upset, and kept crying and explaining why she did it. On one hand I can understand her actions from her point of view, but on the other I am still very gutted. I feel kissing a few people is one thing, sex is a whole new level, and I feel hurt that she did it. We talked for a long while about it and eventually agreed to forget about it, and be happy now. However the last few days I have been finding it easier said than done. I still love her very much and trust her in the relationship, but hate that she slept with this other person. I feel a little cheated that I gave her more than she gave me from the start.

I want to stay with her, but I don't know what to do about how I feel about her having sex with this other person. I am not sure if it is even rational or if I have a right to be upset? I just don't know what I think, and I think if I drag it up again it will end up destroying us. Please help me if you can with any advice.

I normally post to be nice on here but the above has just annoyed me and I don't know why it has'nt annoyed anyone else.

Why are you making her feel so bad about this ? It sounds as though you wont let it go, You're punishing her, making her feel even more guilty. And the ridiculous thing about it is she has nothing to be guilty about - You were not going out when she did this, Am I right? Just dating?


From what you've posted the first thing that springs to mind it "This won't last very long". You need to get a grip of your insecurity and stop venting it on your girlfriend. Have some fun, You're only together 2 months ffs

AngryBadger

sunflower27 wrote: »

if it was me and I was madly in love with the guy then I'd probably be carrying around guilt. I'd say that was really eating her up. I totally get it.

That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, surely if you know something like that is only going to upset your partner, (and in fairness most people are going to be upset with that kind of reveal), and you're in a situation that's not exclusive, is it not just selfish to tell someone this when you know it's only going to hurt them?

Otherwise why even bother to make the distinction between exclusive and non-exclusive?

jurgenscarl

It is quite clear you are clinging on to her because you want an exclusive relationship down the line.
Sorry but that is not going to happen.
You should dump her and find some other girl who will be exclusive.
This girl is just going to keep wrecking your head.
She's only crying and looking for sympathy because you are a doormat.
You are giving in completely.
You also have to consider the risk of getting AIDS, syphillis or some other disease if she is having sex with other people.

AngryBadger

sunflower27 wrote: »

I hear what you are saying. I just think that now, after a period of time, stronger feelings have developed and they are more serious so she wanted to be honest. Perhaps to get rid of guilt, perhaps to make sure he didnt find out from anyone else?

I still don't see the logic here, they were not exclusive, so she wasn't breaking any rules, and if he was going to break up with her over something like that it would just make him a hypocrite.

Conversely by telling him this she has hurt him, and for what? Honestly if I was involved with someone under these circumstances and they told me something like this I'd be annoyed.

Just to give an a non-sexual example, many years back a girl I was dating for several months, (and was pretty serious about), out of the blue she told me that my ex had been criticising me to all of her friends on a big college night out. Needless to say I was annoyed to hear this, and then I was annoyed that I had been told this at all since it now made no difference because that girl was an ex and so telling me about this served no purpose other than to make me feel like I'd been made an ass of.

Similarly the OP was not exclusive with this girl, this night happened before they became a couple, so it has no bearing on anything. By telling him about this all she's doing is stirring the pot.

LittleBook

I think we're getting a bit OT here as we have no indication from the OP as to why she mentioned it ... perhaps he gave her the impression he wanted full disclosure and was able for any response.

And as for this:

jurgenscarl wrote: »

It is quite clear you are clinging on to her because you want an exclusive relationship down the line.
Sorry but that is not going to happen.
You should dump her and find some other girl who will be exclusive.
This girl is just going to keep wrecking your head.
She's only crying and looking for sympathy because you are a doormat.
You are giving in completely.
You also have to consider the risk of getting AIDS, syphillis or some other disease if she is having sex with other people.

She is not "having sex with other people", she HAD sex with another person.

OP, this kind of problem surfaces again and again when couples discuss their sexual history, it's not uncommon. Leave the past in the past and focus on:

Doesn'tWantABrokenHeart wrote: »

The past two months have been great. I have fallen for this girl big time, and I know she feels the same about me. I have never had a partner show me such love and affection before.

ManOfMystery

jurgenscarl wrote: »

It is quite clear you are clinging on to her because you want an exclusive relationship down the line.
Sorry but that is not going to happen.
You should dump her and find some other girl who will be exclusive.
This girl is just going to keep wrecking your head.
She's only crying and looking for sympathy because you are a doormat.
You are giving in completely.
You also have to consider the risk of getting AIDS, syphillis or some other disease if she is having sex with other people.

Have you actually read what he wrote?? They ARE exclusive. This all happened before they made things official. Talk about an over-the-top reply.

OP, when I started seeing my gf we had a few dates before we made things 'official'. I later found out (months afterwards) that between our 2nd and 3rd date she had been on a night out and got together with an ex of hers who she bumped into randomly.

Did it annoy me? Yes. The reason being that I no longer viewed her as just some girl I had dates with; by the stage I found out, I was deeply in love and deeply invested in the relationship so it was hard for me to think of her with someone else.

Did it make her wrong? No. We weren't exclusive as such, and at the dating stage you really are free to do what you like as things have not progressed to a serious level yet.

It's not how I would have handled things as I believe in keeping the dating arena clean and simple without seeing multiple people, but that's my personal choice.

Now I see totally where you're coming from, but she really didn't do anything wrong - it's not like she cheated or anything. I'm afraid this is just something you have accept and get over. Time will help, I've been with my partner a few years now and as time went on I pretty much forgot about little hiccup at the start.

whatsamsn

Lets stop the "PC" answers.


The whole it being perfectly acceptable to sleep with other people whilst dating someone is absolute non-sense. Its just people rationalising what they want to do by applying "technicalities"


Lets look at those exact same "technicalities" and put them in other forms of dating: (you'll see a change)

• You're in a relationship with a person for "X" amount of months/years. You fight and break up for a few days. Lets say 7 days... but in those 7 days you sleep with someone else. But you turn around and use those "technicalities" and say "well i was single! I wasnt with you!" - You think your average person will say thats perfectly fine and continue with the relationship? No they'd be hurt. It would be the end. But thats the same technicality.

But lets look at the "non exclusive technicality" while dating more:

• you're dating someone and sleep with someone else. You really think you're into that person alot? ... I can safely say (and deep down I know alot of people will agree with this) if I date a girl, and sleep with another. Its because I have no feelings to get into anything meaningful with the girl I am dating. In reality, Im only using them. I have no long term plans. (Using for sex? get out of the house? etc etc)
• The majority of people will never admit to going out on another date, or sleeping with a man while dating. Lets look at the Op's girlfriend in this case. She didnt tell him at that time did she. Only told him because she felt guilty now. So if it was perfectly "acceptable" why feel guilty? ... There lies your answer.

The whole it being "acceptable" is truly BS. To say it again, its people raltionalising what they do for their conscience by using a technicality. If I sleep with a girl and tell the girl im dating that I did.... That would be the of me in a second. Why on earth would she continue to date me?

redhed35

whatsamsn wrote: »

Lets stop the "PC" answers.


The whole it being perfectly acceptable to sleep with other people whilst dating someone is absolute non-sense. Its just people rationalising what they want to do by applying "technicalities"


Lets look at those exact same "technicalities" and put them in other forms of dating: (you'll see a change)

• You're in a relationship with a person for "X" amount of months/years. You fight and break up for a few days. Lets say 7 days... but in those 7 days you sleep with someone else. But you turn around and use those "technicalities" and say "well i was single! I wasnt with you!" - You think your average person will say thats perfectly fine and continue with the relationship? No they'd be hurt. It would be the end. But thats the same technicality.

But lets look at the "non exclusive technicality" while dating more:

• you're dating someone and sleep with someone else. You really think you're into that person alot? ... I can safely say (and deep down I know alot of people will agree with this) if I date a girl, and sleep with another. Its because I have no feelings to get into anything meaningful with the girl I am dating. In reality, Im only using them. I have no long term plans. (Using for sex? get out of the house? etc etc)
• The majority of people will never admit to going out on another date, or sleeping with a man while dating. Lets look at the Op's girlfriend in this case. She didnt tell him at that time did she. Only told him because she felt guilty now. So if it was perfectly "acceptable" why feel guilty? ... There lies your answer.

The whole it being "acceptable" is truly BS. To say it again, its people raltionalising what they do for their conscience by using a technicality. If I sleep with a girl and tell the girl im dating that I did.... That would be the of me in a second. Why on earth would she continue to date me?

while i dont disagree with your post,i dont totally agree either.

members/guests post advice/opinions based on their experience,each and every relationship is unique,the 'rules ' of conduct in the dating arena or relationship are set by the couple and or individual.

the ONLY person who can say for sure why they said what they said and how they reasoned their actions,is the op's girlfriend.

any third party can only hazard their own guess or assumptions which is based on their experience.

i dont think there 'PC' answers nor bumper sticker answers,each response is based on personal experience.

there is no right or wrong answer.

the op can only benefit from an array of answers,is that not the beauty of a question and answer site.

and while i respect your opinion,your making a lot of assumptions on the 'majority' of people,the op's girlfriend may well fall into the 'exception'.

whatsamsn

I'll agree that my previous post was more so on the topic of the whole seeing other people debate, rather than the Op's direct situation


As for the Op in particular. I guess its a perfect example of what side of the coin someone will fall on. We can all voice our opinion saying it shouldnt be an issue or it should be.

But personally, lets put ourselves in the Op's shoes. Finding out she slept with someone else while dating him... That would hurt. But apart from that, it rasies to many bad things.

There are alot of things that could be read into the situation. Sounds like she was very "casually" dating him at the start. As aparent by kissing others and having a one night stand. It would be a safe bet to say she at least had dates with another man while seeing him during their 4-6 week period at the start. Thats never a good start for any relationship.

I really think the thread "being naive, or living in the real world" in the Humanities forum is a very good read. People being in relationships more so for the bond rather than the individual.


The point I am trying to make is if finding out your current partner slept with someone while you were dating really isnt a good sign of your relationship. Even if things are exclusive now. Those are the alarm bells of a relationship that doesnt sound like it will last long or anything that will grow deep. Sounds like a casual relationship.



Personally, Can the op over look this? .. he said he was always a bit jealous of her saying she kissed other men. (Thats Natural) ... now he found out she slept with someone else.
I am well aware that one could say, that was then, this is now. But it really is no different from finding out if your partner told some serious lies at the start of a relationship. It would change your view on things.


Call me foolish. But boy meets girl. They get on great they get into a relationship weeks after they met each other (op says in this case it only took 4-6 weeks before they were in a relationship) ... that sounds like it was great They got on really well and like each other
But wait... you find out during that 4-6 week period she was kissing other men and slept with one. Come on? Its not like this happened when they first met years ago. They're only dating 3 and a half months in total.

newtothis2010

Op

You have to remember, she has told you this now at an early stage, is that because, as you pointed out, she DOES Have similar feelings and she wants no secrets as the relationship progresses. Thats a brownie point in my book, 'thanks for the info, lets move on..'

She has chosen to be with you now, and vice versa (though I'm a firm believer regardless of what us guys think its always always the womans choice who she enters into a relationship with, sometimes they just let us think we made the decision!!)

Whether this is an indication that the relationship will fail down the line, well I disagree, personally, with that idea.

Everyone one of us over the legal age of consent (and some before that!) has some manner of sexual history and when we accept a person into our lives we accept EVERYTHING about them, the good the bad the bold and the ugly... it just depends on the length of the relationship as to how much of each we encounter.

The jealousy you feel is a normal emotion, its how you deal with it from this point onwards.

She trusted you enough to tell you this aspect of her life rather than have her throw it in your face in a heated argument 10 years down the line, when it would probably sound a lot worse than it was.

I can't advise you what to do, however IF it was me (again) I would ask myself 2 questions:

Do I want a future (for however long) with this girl..

Do I trust this girl now that we are in a relationship...

If I could honestly answer those questions and IF those answers were 'yes' then I think I would just have to get over the fact she slept with and kissed other people between hour 3 of spending time with me and hour 5...

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. Thank you very much to everybody who has commented in this thread and given their opinion.

To clear up the question of why she told me, well we were having a conversation about how many people we had slept with in total(dangerous territory i now know), and she basically went into too much detail on it, tied herself in a knot and had to spit it out.

I've spent a lot of time with her in the last few days, and have been managing to put it out of my mind, because I honestly do enjoy every minute I spend with her. I don't want to obsess about this, I don't want to beat her over the head with guilt, I basically just want to find some sort of peace with it. I think I could let it go, but there is one further thing about this other guy she slept with.

She has mentioned him to me several times before, and said that he is just a friend she had kissed a few times, they are friends on facebook, and I know she wants to keep a friendship with him. She added him as a friend long after we had entered into our relationship. She assured me when we spoke about her sleeping with him, that I am the one she wants, and that they slept together before we did, and basically when she slept with me that she knew it was me that she wanted. So part of me thinks well did she just shag us both and see who did it better.

I feel so terrible to be thinking these things, but I am very confused about things right now. I guess ultimately I feel that she didn't enter into this relationship completely open about things, but then argh I guess we weren't a couple so she was technically still a free agent. Sorry for the ramble. Just thought I would update.