Not Attracted to Wife

LegacyUser

Hi,
The past year I have become less attracted to my wife. We are both in our early 30s and happily married for 5yrs.
However, I am beginning to realise that I a do not now find her attractive. I cannot remember the last time we had sex - and it's me that has avoided it. I just don't get excited about making love with her.
Outside of this we get on really well and have great fun. Is there any way for me to rekindle my sexual attraction to her or am I just a shallow arsehole?
Thanks.

redhed35

what have you done to change things?
planned an evening out,date night?
have to talked to her about it?

maybe thats the first step,she cant know unless you tell her.
there are plenty of books on the market.
you could plan a 'dress up' night,a fantasy night,or day,cheeky text messages,carparks,a world of adult toys!
a long blonde wig in the bedroom can work like magic to spice things up!

there is so much you can do with a long time partner that you would not have the nerve to try with someone else.
talk to your wife,get back on track and get your mojo back,im sure she has noticed.
if there is physical reason,maybe a check up at the doctors to confirm everything is ok.

Miss Fluff

However, I am beginning to realise that I a do not now find her attractive.

Has her appearance changed dramatically? What was the turning point for you?

I cannot remember the last time we had sex - and it's me that has avoided it. I just don't get excited about making love with her.

Do you still have a healthy libido? How often are you masturbating? And has she brought up the lack of sex? Do you reject her or does not try and instigate it?

Outside of this we get on really well and have great fun.

Most friends do. A relationship and especially a marriage, needs so much more than simply getting on well and having great fun.

Is there any way for me to rekindle my sexual attraction to her or am I just a shallow arsehole?

Of course there is a way to rekindle it. And it will take work. You're not necessarily going to get the tearing the clothes of one another animal lust that is there in the first few years but you can have a red-hot lovelife if you're willing to communicate about it and you both want the same things.

LegacyUser

She hasn't brought it up but I know it is annoying her a little. She has to make all the effort.
And I'm making it worse - watch porn a lot and masturbate to that and then have no interest in having sex.
I know I need to stop this and to focus on my wife. But I am finding this so difficult.

FortyPlusHubby

whyuser wrote: »

And I'm making it worse - watch porn a lot and masturbate to that and then have no interest in having sex.

Is a cause or an effect?

Like yourself I find myself less inclined towards sex with my wife these days (and for the past several years)..... partly because I think she makes so little effort to interest me sexually. I'm pretty sure if I grew a beard or a beer belly she would cease to find me attractive, so I'm careful about my appearance. She takes a lot less care (in my opinion). I have a thread here about this.

That said, the problem with porn is that it makes "ordinary sex" seem less appealing, so you're certainly not helping the situation with this behaviour. Try making your own porn movie (in your head, not with cameras) where she is the star, then you may find the idea of having sex with her more appealing.

Have you ever suggested having a more adventurous sex romp with her? There are a wide range of fun things to try which can spice things up in the bedroom, and maybe you can get her to engage in that if you approach the subject carefully? I'm thinking of adults kits like bondage ropes (careful!), masks, dildos, adult card games etc. You might be surprised how easily she agrees to this as a sex game.

Alternately, why not simply get out to a nightclub together? Just treat it like a date night.

What about a romantic evening at home with a bottle of wine, some candles, and pizza? Make it your assignment to seduce her!

Switch off the porn for a while and try sample some real life sex.

Cheers,

40pH

Emme

There seem to be a lot of women out there who don't make any effort to be attractive for their husbands.

shebango

Emme wrote: »

There seem to be a lot of women out there who don't make any effort to be attractive for their husbands.

That's a little bit presumptuous considering there was no mention in the OP's post of the wife letting herself go, so to speak.

jurgenscarl

There is not a whole lot you can do about it.
If you don't find someone attractive anymore you can't change that unless she does something really dramatic that changes your attitude about her.
Perhaps she has gone grey, perhaps she dresses in dowdy clothes, perhaps she is overweight etc etc. No matter how attractive she was when she was younger it is unrealistic for a man to be still attracted to her physically.
If her personality has changed - she used by bubbly, spontaneous and alive and is now boring, conventional, safe and predictable.
It is unrealistic to say people do not change physically or their personality does not change as they get older but it not unrealistic either to unattracted if those changes have altered the person you will fell in love with.
It's like believing in God.
If you have doubts and then lose your faith or belief in God, you can't pretend to still believe in God and you are only going to start believing again if you get a divine visitation.
If you aren't attracted to her you should really consider whether you want to continue your marriage.
It's very sad but that's life.

FortyPlusHubby

jurgenscarl wrote: »

If you aren't attracted to her you should really consider whether you want to continue your marriage.
It's very sad but that's life.

That's just too simplistic. I find my wife to be less attractive in her 40's but mainly because she makes no effort with her appearance. Once in a (long) while she dresses up and I think she does look good, and makes me more attracted to her.

There's lots that can be done, in this case I think OP has to start by cutting back on the porn as it just dulls the appetite.

40pH

SarahSassy

Well maybe if you stay away from the porn and masturbation for a while, you may rekindle your desire for human contact.

Miss Fluff

I agree. While porn can be a great addition to a healthy sex-life, to rely on it solely for sexual relief without actual real-life physical sex with an actual real-life partner it could make the real thing seem a very banal and dull proposition. If you have Cumsluts 3 on repeat, it would be very hard to "replay" that if that's what you've conditioned yourself to see as the norm. Maybe leave the porn be for a while OP and concentrate on reconnecting with your wife. It is possible to get the spark back.