Am I still grieving after 11 years?

LegacyUser

11 years or more ago, my mum died from a long illness. She became ill when I was 8 and after an operation recovered enough to function as my Mum. But there was always some kind of doubt in my mind about her. She became ill again when I was 15 and died when I was 17.

I would say that all this time, I had serious problems arising from my attempts to cope with what was going on. Added to that was during her last year or two, my Dad started having an affair. On recollection, I can understand this but these days I worry most that we've never really talked about any of this. He's an old fashioned dad.

College was never fun as I think the culminations of all of this affected me so deeply that I've gone from bout of depression to depression with good moments between for as long as I remember. I've gone to counselling, but really it's pushing ahead with my life, sometimes with the help of meds, that has gotten me through.

But while I've finally started getting my life in order, all these experiences make me think they're affecting my love life in general and my relationship in particular. I'm with a great girl, but I seem better on my own these days without complications, than taking any big steps into adulthood. I find myself questioning if I should stay with her, but when I feel to overwrought by these impulses (where before most things would be good for a time), I feel I need to recede and live a simple life where, perhaps, I don't have to make any scary decisions. I just feel so sad in these times. Order breaks down.

So I'm asking myself if it's really my relationship affecting me, or how it triggers deep wounds in me that make me go into myself, like I'm still grieving? Or haven't properly grieved?

Kalimah

It took me over 10 years to get over my mother's death so it's definitely possible that you're still grieving. My mother was sick for a very short while-only a matter of weeks so it was a complete shock when she died. This was nearly 25 years ago. I was the eldest-only in my early 20s and there were others at home who were hardly teenagers.
I thought I was coping well for a number of years. Did the usual,got married,had kids etc. From time to time I would lapse into severe depression. After a number of years I couldn't cope at all so went for counselling and I can say I never looked back.
You know the way they say grief has stages,shock,anger,denial and acceptance. Well I was stuck in anger for 10 years. Don't let too much more time go by before you get some help. Not doing anything about my grief damaged me badly and there was fallout for others in my family too.
All the best to you. Be kind to yourself and take care.

PS. On looking back through your post i see you have tried counselling. It took me two goes to find the right one and I was more or less forced into it. In fact I had nothing else to turn to. I was on meds for only about three months but it took the edge off so that I could explore my anger.

LegacyUser

Kalimah wrote: »

It took me over 10 years to get over my mother's death so it's definitely possible that you're still grieving. My mother was sick for a very short while-only a matter of weeks so it was a complete shock when she died. This was nearly 25 years ago. I was the eldest-only in my early 20s and there were others at home who were hardly teenagers.
I thought I was coping well for a number of years. Did the usual,got married,had kids etc. From time to time I would lapse into severe depression. After a number of years I couldn't cope at all so went for counselling and I can say I never looked back.
You know the way they say grief has stages,shock,anger,denial and acceptance. Well I was stuck in anger for 10 years. Don't let too much more time go by before you get some help. Not doing anything about my grief damaged me badly and there was fallout for others in my family too.
All the best to you. Be kind to yourself and take care.

PS. On looking back through your post i see you have tried counselling. It took me two goes to find the right one and I was more or less forced into it. In fact I had nothing else to turn to. I was on meds for only about three months but it took the edge off so that I could explore my anger.

Yeh, I've found all this hard to confront. And I just wonder if it's affecting my existing relationship. I feel it's at the edge and I honestly can't tell if I'm not capable of being in this relationship because of emotional scars I haven't worked through, or maybe that's an excuse and really my relationship isn't working.

I should get counselling again, I agree, but I'm not in the best location for it right now.

metrovelvet

I dont know if one ever fully stops grieving.

I agree with the previous poster about getting stuck in one of the stages. Of course it can affect your relationships. The other side of love is loss so you are always negotiating that. I think I am stuck somewhere in guilt and rage and it has wreaked havoc on my life. Im only realising this now, thirteen years later.

Counselling is definitely in order, but I can't face it all over again. Am scared of collapse.

Dont ruin your life.

Unwilling

Hi

I think grief is a personal thing - whilst there is a "road map" as such, anger, resentment etc... when it happens is different for each individual HOW it happens is even more unique.
I think what is important is trying to strike a balance betweeen monitoring your moods, behaviour and feelings but not FIXATING on them that it becomes an obsession.
Learn what triggers you - what gets you - what makes it that little bit better.
TALK about it - if you are that way inclined, don't hold it in. Even if it is with your new girlfriend. It might help you bridge that gap you are feeling. And it might help to build your relationship with her/him.

Counselling can help but it's not for everyone. Some find a hobbie/interest more beneficial, something they can emerse themselves in - a positive outlet.

The important thing I believe is that you have recognised the problem, and began isolating the source or cause.

No one has the answer - like the grief itself it is a personal thing.
It won't ever GO AWAY and you won't want it to. If grief was bad or destructive to humans we'd have evolved over the millions of years.
My own mothers passing changed me at a very deep level, almost defined me. But I made it a positive - I try to do everything with a joie de vivre, enjoy life experiences, like holidays that I used to take for granted. I try to learn something new every year, a course, a hobby, or how to change a plug... My health, i try to stay healthy and I am infinately healthier than before, but I'm no jane fonda.

UpCork

I don't think you ever stop grieving for those you love who have passed away.

Your life just adapts to life without them - that's just the way it is.

You develop coping mechanisms etc.

I look at my mother - her father (my grand-dad) died over 20 years ago. My Mum's live has moved on, different thinks have happened to her. Whilst she isn't consumed by grief on a daily basis, she does think about him every day and still finds his anniversary, birthday very hard. Also, there are still things that trigger her to get upset - hearing someone say a saying like he would say, hearing his favourite song, milestones in our lives that he isn't there to see.

My grandmother (who died a number of years ago) lost her parents at a young enough age. She never really spoke about her parents (my Mum and her family knew little of them), but I do remember one day a few years before she died (so she'd have been late 60s early 70s, her parents would have died when she was in her late teens early 20s) she was asking what date a bill or something had to be paid by and my Mum told her the specific date at which point granny burst into tears and said 'what a terrible date, how will we ever forget that date'. The date meant nothing to us, so when Mum asked her, she said it was the date that her father had died. None of us had ever heard it mention it before then. Even all those years on, she still found it too hard to speak of his death.

I think at the start grief can be public - the funeral, people calling around checking up on you. Then live gets back to normal and grief very often becomes 'private'.