She wants to be friends with other men... acceptable?

MrBojangles66

My girlfriend (23) and I (26) had an argument last night about our views on friendships with the opposite sex. FYI, she doesn't have that many girl friends as she puts it, "I just don't get on with most girls". Basically, she feels that she has the right to make friends with whomever she wishes. She used this example: She likes ice hockey and I don't... She said if she met another guy that had similiar interests as her, she would feel it would be fine for her to strike up a friendship with him in order to have someone to watch things like that with.

My argument was that it's not cool to be striking up friendships with members of the opposite sex as by putting yourself out there with another guy, you are putting our relationship in unnecessary risk and run the risk of falling for someone else etc. She said (and this is the part that worries me) that that's part of life and that if that happens, there's nothing you can do to stop it. I just get the feeling that she's of the opinion that it's fine to be in a relationship but to also be watching for what else is available. Who do you think is in the wrong here and is there any ammicable solution to our differences?

I warn you that you are about to be lynched by most of the replies that you will get here.

A relationship in no way means that you can now only have contact, friendships or spend time with only one member of the opposite sex. It is not some cage that you enter into with one person and lock yourself away from all the rest.

It is not just acceptable that she should befriend other men, but healthy too.

There are boundaries of course, and they vary from person to person, and most of them are perfectly ok boundaries too. There is no right or wrong with such boundaries. Just because some people would be ok with X does not mean other people have to be too. Look at the thread here for a conversation on partners “spooning” with other people:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055982572

However there is a world of difference between saying you are not ok with spooning, and saying you are not ok with a friendship with the opposite sex on ANY level. I see no way of justifying that.

What exactly is you expect? For her to systematically and completely remove every male presence in her life entirely? I can imagine her now getting a text saying “Hi hun, you coming out for drinks with us tonight?” and her having to reply “Im not sure… would there be any men there… I can’t if there are men…”

The problem here appears to lie entirely with you. You seem to feel like your “hold” on her is so weak that every single guy comes along is some sort of threat to that. If you continue to project that insecurity on to the way she acts then it is going to become self fulfilling. You will drive her away, most likely into the arms of some other guy, and this will only self justify your own insecurities and make you even worse with the next girl.

metrovelvet

This is the west. We dont live under sharia law.

MrBojangles66

Thanks for the reply taxAHcruel... It's pretty straight. First off, I don't have any problem with her hanging out with guys in a group or anything. For example, she works part time in a bar and socialises with them a lot which I'm fine with. It's the insinuation that she can spend one on one time with a new guy that has similiar interests to her.

I also asked her "what if this guy had initially implied he was interested in you on a physical basis? Would it be ok to be friends with him them?" She said that if she told him that she's with someone, he'd have to forget that feeling. It's this that I have the greatest problem with... I'm not even sure who hanging out with someone who is interested in you is more unfair on... Me or him.

MrB,

Face it, we are men. Unless we personally find a girl hideously unattractive there is always some level of interest there on some level. It is just how we work. If there is even a little attractiveness there we will at least one think “I wonder what it would be like to…”

As for it being “fair” on the other guy, that is entirely up to him. If you show interest in someone, and they tell you it is not on, it is up to you to decide if you want to pursue a friendship anyway or distance yourself from any possible “pain” that being around the person might cause you. It is not for you to either make this decision on that guys behalf, or for you to worry about it.

There is a lot of things that make a relationship work. Some of them are essential, some of them option. Trust is one of the core essential ones. In fact I have come to the conclusion in my time that if you have trust and communication then everything else falls under varying degrees of optional.

The girl is with you. You have to accept that this is her choice and trust her on it. However no two people are identical and each of you will have interests the other does not and you need to share those interests with others. Those others may not always be the same sex as yourself.

As I said this is just your insecurities and you are projecting them on to her. You see every guy that comes along as a threat and this is your problem not hers.

The girls I am currently going out with have many male friends, both group and individual. I have the same with girls. Each of us even has a small number of friends of the opposite sex that we are happy to spend a night in a bed with without anything happening.

None of us are jealous because we know the relationship we have is built on trust and we know that spending time with someone of the opposite sex is not some threat.

Now I am not recommending that you have to go letting her jump into bed with close friends for innocent naked cuddle sessions. Not everyone is ok with that, and that is perfectly ok and understandable. However this is worlds apart from suggesting she should have no individual male friends at all. You will find few people sympathetic to that way of thinking I am afraid and it is more indicative as the user above said of an area of the world where men prefer their women to wear head to toe covering and to not leave the house unaccompanied ever.

DamagedTrax

you obviously want advice as you're posting in here so here's my advice to you - change your attitude.

you're partner has the right to be friends with whomever she pleases and having male friends with similiar interests to her is perfectly normal. should she find friends with nothing in common?

seriously dude, change the way you think or you're going to have a very very unhappy life. she's your girlfriend, not a possesion that you own.

MrBojangles66

I definately don't think that letting her sleep in a bed with another guy is going to help how I feel. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how me and her can work towards being a little happier about how we feel?

Mancoach

Hi OP

Unfortunatly I agree with the previous poster. You are going to get torn apart by the burning bra brigade saying she's not your property , that she can be friends with who she likes and "if you were my boyfriend I'd dump you"

The reality however is that it's perfectly normal for you to be concerned about this situation as you are worried what any potential "friendship" might lead too.

It is only natural that you would be jealous of your partner Spending one on one time with another man while she's with u and idon't think it unreasonable for u to feel that way.

But were talking about something that hasn't happened yet so probably best not to make too much of an issue of it now. You've made your feelings on the matter clear to her so the ball is really in her court.

In the meantime why not try and develop some interest in icehocky. It's not the worst sport in the world by anymeans. Check out a couple of videos of NHL greatest hits on YouTube or maybe watcha few games. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it. Look on the brighside at least she's not into cricket!

Good luck

MrBojangles66

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I definately don't think that letting her sleep in a bed with another guy is going to help how I feel.

I think if you read what I wrote again you will find I said “Now I am not recommending that you have to go letting her jump into bed with close friends for innocent naked cuddle sessions.“

In this case I do not think there is a “we” that needs to work together on this. This is just you and your insecurities.

Women are not a possession in a relationship as the user above you just said. A relationship is not about spending your life with one person. It is about two people who have their own lives who then chose to share whole sections of that life with each other.

You need to realise that any girl you settle down with is most likely going to have a life of her own as well as the one with you. Such a life will involve other people, both in groups and singly. Both male and female. Both with and without you around.

As long as you do not see your partner in such a light, as an autonomous person with a life of their own as well as the one with you, you will never “work towards being a little happier”. What will likely happen is you will become more and more miserable, this will negatively affect your relationship, she will lose interest in the relationship, she WILL then drift off to another man, this WILL then justify in your own mind the pointless fears you had that made you this way and you WILL then go into the next relationship even more paranoid and possessive than you are now. It is a dark spiral.

Zen65

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

My argument was that it's not cool to be striking up friendships with members of the opposite sex as by putting yourself out there with another guy, you are putting our relationship in unnecessary risk and run the risk of falling for someone else etc.

So, by your logic, she should also avoid having female friends, as some of these may be lesbians who may have feelings for her, and "seduce" her?

That may seem far-fetched, but only because you are prioritising who she befriends on the basis of how threatened you feel by this friendship? Would you feel happier if she was escorted everywhere by a chaperon? Is that why it's ok for her to have "group friends" but not "individual friends". Do you honestly think this makes her feel valued and loved by you? Is it more likely that it makes you appear needy or controlling?

If you feel very strongly about this then you are in the wrong relationship. You need to be with a woman who wants or expects to be "owned" by her boyfriend. Perhaps there are some women who expect that this is how it should be, ... I would conjecture that you may find a higher proportion of Muslim women having such an expectation (but by no means all).

So, what's it to be? Do you think you can learn to accept and respect her conditions? Because if you cannot you have no future together and you should not be with her. It's that unhealthy!


Be at peace,


Z

bp

Oh for God sake...I am female and have plenty of male friends who I meet alone on a regular basis. My best friend is male and we are going on a weekend away together and will be sharing a room, my bf has no problem what so ever with this (nor does his gf)! I would never cheat on my bf, but I do have friends of both sexes! I meet my other half's male friends for lunch regularly (just me and the guy/s) once again no issue with this.

Learn to trust, if she is going to cheat it will happen regardless! Good luck

I should add that although I may seem a bit harsh here with my posts, do not get the impression that I am not sympathetic with how you feel. The girls I am going out with now I am of course terrified I could lose some day, as I love them to bits. However such terror can very easily become self fulfilling if you act on it. You can become a control freak.

To use an analogy: Every time one of my girls gets into their car to drive, they could die in a horrible car crash. Of course that thought comes into my mind sometimes and turns my stomach into a knot of lead. Of course I would love to drive them everywhere myself to be extra sure. Can you imagine what a control freak I would be if I acted on that and said “No you can not drive any more, it could end in horror!”

The same is true here. Each of them could meet a guy tomorrow and fall for him so much they leave me. Not even a male friend like you are talking about here yourself, but a multitude of other ways such as even love at first sight in a super market, or working closely with a new work colleague where feelings slowly develop. There is “threats” everywhere and you can not deal with them all MrB.

But with the cars, as with the men, you have to put some faith in the relationship and let them go out and do the driving themselves, knowing you have done everything you can to make sure they come home safely. Whether it is ensuring every so often that their car is in tip top safe working condition… or ensuring that your relationship is a happy and joyful one to come home to.

More you can not do, and if you try you will end up pushing her into doing exactly what it is you are now afraid she will do… and the worst thing about that is when she does it you will blame her for it and not yourself.... and in the next relationship be even worse and worse.

MrBojangles66

even though these replies are not exactly what I want to hear, they are very directive. I'm worried that I can't change how I feel and of course, I'm worried I will lose her as a result. I have always been a believer that if someone is going to cheat, they'll do it with or without your help and honestly, I don't think she's that type of girl. I just wish there was some magic way to change my initial gut instincts I feel when I hear of her hanging out with another man.

MrBojangles66

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I have always been a believer that if someone is going to cheat, they'll do it with or without your help.

This is true but I would also add to it “… and if someone is not going to cheat, they might WITH your help” which is what I am afraid of here.

There is no quick and easy way to just switch off how you feel. We all feel it sometimes, even if some of us do not admit it. It is not what you feel that you need to worry about, it is what you do with those feelings that counts. Is, after all, the man who wants to horribly kill his neighbour a “murderer” if he never actually does it?

Getting into a relationship is a risk, no other way of putting it. A huge one, as it can and often does leave people devastated. However it is a risk most of us are willing to take. You do not hear the person jumping out of an airplane with a parachute saying “Wow I love doing this, I just wish I could get rid of the fear part!”. The “fear part” is part of the package. You do one, you have to realise you get the other.

It is the same with relationships. We love them and they are great, but you always have to wonder what might go wrong and it scares the hell out of us all. We can not let that fear force us to make errors though. The parachute jumper can not afford to let the fear lock him up and forget to pull the chord on time. Similarly you and I can not let our fears change how we act and force the other person to want to get out of the relationship.

However having said all that, there are things you can do to at least alleviate the fears somewhat. Ask yourself what you think the other guys have that you do not that you think will take her away from you. What are the source(s) of your insecurities here in other words? Forget about her for a moment and address those things about yourself, make yourself more proud of them, and you will feel better not just about yourself, but your “hold” on this girl in the relationship.

As a random example, if you have a beer gut and you think she might want to go for a guy with a 6 pack, then get yourself down the gym and chisel out a belly you yourself can be proud of.

DamagedTrax

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I just wish there was some magic way to change my initial gut instincts I feel when I hear of her hanging out with another man.

there is a way to change. think logically. you've already stated that she's not the type to cheat so nothing to stress about there.

as for other guys fancying her, thats great! better than the opposite, no?
my girl is bloody hot and turns heads everywhere, i think its great that she choose me and im proud walking down the street with her. infact there's even a slight "haha, she's with me" thing goin on

start turning all your negatives on their head and look at the positive sides and eventually the old insecurities will drift away from you.
and i guarantee you'll be happier and your relationship will benefit.

Wibbs

bp wrote: »

Learn to trust, if she is going to cheat it will happen regardless!

This pretty much. Now of course you cant go to the other extreme of being utterly blase and dopey(though that still works better than jealousy). Just be sensible. Meeting mates, no problem at all. Much healthier for her you and the relationship in fact.

Taltos

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how me and her can work towards being a little happier about how we feel?

OP - sorry - but NO.
This is NOT something that BOTH of you should work on - fortunately/unfortunately it is all with YOU.

You are the only one in this relationship that can do something around being happier in her having friends of any sex.

Any control you try to exert / any comments - they will all blow up in your face - and could in fact push her into cheating - but only if she is of that mindset. If she is - and you know she is likely to cheat - then ask yourself why are you with her?
If though you know she really loves you - then show you lover her by trusting her... Sit her down and explain to her that you have a jealous streak and you are working on it.

It is up to her if she chooses to accept it - but take it from a jealous type - not dealing with these emotions will chase this girl away - and make you look like a loon. I still have the odd jealous thought - but now that I realise it is all ME - I catch on very fast and reset my thinking.

Just take each day slowly and never jump to conclusions. If something kicks it off - take a deep breath - actually take 5 and just focus on relaxing before saying anything. If you love her and she loves you then really you have nothing to worry about - and in fact having friends of both sex is actually a really good thing. Yes some of her friends might be prats - but you are not dating them....

Best of luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Whilst I would say you're a dick if you try to stop her being mates with guys alarm bells always ring with me when a girl says "I just don't get on with girls"

Apart from being sexist it usually means they're the type of girl who likes having male "friends" who are in love with them and give them constant attention

also this:

She said (and this is the part that worries me) that that's part of life and that if that happens, there's nothing you can do to stop it.

really suggests to me she's not that into you and doesn't see you as life partner. That's just not something you say to someone you love.

Giblet

If she is the girl for you, she will stay with you, you can't keep her locked away, that's just shows major insecurity with yourself and your relationship. If anything, she will resent you, and probably try find someone who wouldn't treat her that way, not because there are other guys around, but because her BF is being unreasonable. If another guy hanging around and possibly showing some interest is enough to make her run off, then she was never going to stay anyway. This won't happen if you have a happy relationship, with plenty of give and take. You seem to be insecure and have trust issues, unfortunately only you can do anything about them, and trying to control your GF is bad news for a relationship. Relax, and be the man she needs, and you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how me and her can work towards being a little happier about how we feel?

Don't know if this would count as a suggestion, but it might help you focus.

I'm male, but was on the reverse side of this scenario with someone making similar demands and creating issues and suspicion without reason, and I am now single by choice, because it's far less headwrecking and I've no interest in being with someone that insecure or clingy.

Don't say you haven't been warned!

Regular poster gone anon in case someone recognises herself in this post!

Zen65

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Whilst I would say you're a dick if you try to stop her being mates with guys alarm bells always ring with me when a girl says "I just don't get on with girls"

Apart from being sexist it usually means they're the type of girl who likes having male "friends" who are in love with them and give them constant attention

That's a pretty bizarre generalisation. I have more female friends than male friends, and certainly not because I crave attention (they're not that kind of friend). I simply find that female friends are more sincere than male friends, and they make more interesting conversation. I think it's likely that OP's girlfriend does not enjoy the kind of conversation that her female friends engage in.

For me, that's a good enough reason for her to want male friends.

Be at peace,

Z

Liam Byrne

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

really suggests to me she's not that into you and doesn't see you as life partner.

Or alternatively it's something she - perfectly understandably - said after being frustratingly and repeatedly quizzed about her intentions.

Does the OP have any female friends ?
Would the OP want to have new female friends if they shared an interest that he and his current OH don't share ?
Does the OP love his g/f and understand that her view of friends of the opposite sex might be identical to the views that he'd have in the above 2 scenarios ?

If so, it's double-standards; if not, then it's not healthy.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Zen65 wrote: »

That's a pretty bizarre generalisation. I have more female friends than male friends, and certainly not because I crave attention (they're not that kind of friend). I simply find that female friends are more sincere than male friends, and they make more interesting conversation. I think it's likely that OP's girlfriend does not enjoy the kind of conversation that her female friends engage in.

For me, that's a good enough reason for her to want male friends.

Be at peace,

Z

I said nothing about men who prefer female friendship.

John Mason

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Apart from being sexist it usually means they're the type of girl who likes having male "friends" who are in love with them and give them constant attention

i have more male friends then i do female friends - i am most definately not in love with any of them and certainly do not give me constant attention - shocking generalisation :eek::eek:

I love my bf - and i am really, really uncomfortable getting attention from men, always have been.

OP, your gf has the right to choose who her friends are - you have no say in this. if you keep pushing this, you will lose your gf or else she will lose all her friends and become soley reliant on you - you in turn will feel suffocated and will dump her.

either way, you will end up being single

whatsamsn

Its a natural feeling op. As others have said in the thread. You would get a little jealous/cautious with your girlfriend having male friends.



Best way forward is to let her have male friends. Thats only natural for her too. However it is not acceptable for her to be friends with members of the opposite sex who fancy/want her. (which lets face it, you know guys, lets not sugar coat it, a few of her male friends will)

But if your girlfriend ever told (or you found out) that any of her friends are flirting with her / blatantly coming onto her. It would be 100% disrespectable if she thought would be ok. Of course, i'll probably get a response from female users on here saying "oh someone cant help it if a friend fancies them!!!" - well yeah, they can help not making their partner feel uncomfortable by continuing the friendship.

Kidchameleon

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

Who do you think is in the wrong here

YOU

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I just wish there was some magic way to change my initial gut instincts

Its not magic, its called being a MAN

cournioni

How about you make friends with a girl that you share the same interests with and see how she reacts to it. If you trust her and she trusts you equally then there shouldn't be a problem at all. Fact is however, we are all human and we all have our little insecurities especially if it is to do with new people coming into the picture. If this guy was her friend before she met you, I'm sure there wouldn't be a problem. He isn't and you probably feel that he is going to try something on, which isn't out of the question but you just need to trust her and let her make her own decisions. If you do this she will love you for it even more and kudos to you. If she is unfaithful then dump her, simple as.

My point is, if you are in a good relationship that will last you need to let destiny take it's course. You do your own thing and be your own person and whatever else happens you can decide whether it's worth keeping or not. Whatever will be will be as the song goes.

Best of luck!

whatsamsn

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Whilst I would say you're a dick if you try to stop her being mates with guys alarm bells always ring with me when a girl says "I just don't get on with girls"

Apart from being sexist it usually means they're the type of girl who likes having male "friends" who are in love with them and give them constant attention

also this:

She said (and this is the part that worries me) that that's part of life and that if that happens, there's nothing you can do to stop it.

really suggests to me she's not that into you and doesn't see you as life partner. That's just not something you say to someone you love.

+1 ... I agree with those words 100%.

Any women who says she gets on more with guys clearly likes male attention. No one is that blind or stupid to not realise the reason why said girls makes more male friends is because the guys are trying to work their way in.

Lets be honest, im a bloke and I can safely say the vast majority of guys will flirt with any have decent looking girl. So for the girls who make more male friends its quite clear they like the attention. And they're not frienships. Thats some guy sniffing around a girl, and given any chance would goto bed with her regardless if she has a boyfriend. Yeah sure some opposite sex friendships are just friendships. Majority of them tho is the guy sniffing around the girl.



Lets be honest, no one here knows how much the OP has discussed his negitive views to his gf about male friends. It might have only been him expressing his opinion, or going on about it and making his girl step back and say "hold on a second" ... but either way that comment of "that's part of life and that if that happens, there's nothing you can do to stop it" - thats meant to make him comfortable? Sounds like a "i'll do what i want" comment.


Dont care if i get bashed for this next bit. But if a girl told that to me. I'd have to tell her to hit the bricks. That comment undermines trust.

LegacyUser

The notion that some women prefer male friends to female just purely as an attention seeking measure is absolute bull**** and highly offensive!

I'm female and the majority of my friends are male (both gay and straight). Why? Because I dont consider myself a girly girl in the typical sense of the word. I don't read women's magazines, I don't do the fake tan, nails, hair extensions thing, I don't like romcoms or chicklit and I certainly don't obsess about my boyfriend and talk about him ad nauseum like some of my female friends do. When I hang out with my female friends, more often than not we are discussion relationships, beauty tips, or 'the bitch at work.' This stuff does not interest me!

I love sport - love GAA, rugby, even football. I love a pint of Guinness and not cocktails. I love old mans pubs and hate flashly places where all women are dressed to impress trying to fight for the scraps that are single men (and that works both ways). I love politics and current affairs, good documentaries, Top Gear, and books that many women won't read!

So what does that mean? It means that usually the people who have the same interests as me are men. Having said that I have one good female friend who shares my interests, which is great. However, for me the gender is irrelevant in a friendship - what's important is common interests.

Those of you saying that women only do that to seek attention are perhaps the girly girls who can't understand those of us women who don't like the same things you do! And also the men who think women should only like ultra feminine things! I really resent the attention-seeking comment. How does the possession of a vagina or penis really make a difference in terms of what constitutes a friend???? And for the record, in my 35 years of being on this planet, I have never ever hooked up with a friend or had a relationship develop from a friendship. I compartmentalise very easily, and OP your girlfriend probably does too. It's funny because so often you see men on here complaining about 'the friend zone' and how once you enter you can't go back! They seem to forget that when they get threatened in a relationship!

Anyways OP, you have jealousy and trust issues! If you don't sort them you'll never have a stable, lasting relationship. Good luck.

Yea I will also add to those saying that feeling more at home with the opposite sex is nothing to do with attention seeking. It is a vast, inaccurate and damaging generalisation to suggest it is and I can see some like bull above could even find it offensive.

We do not all want the same things in our friendships. Each of us has a list of criteria for what we seek in our friends and sometimes those criteria are not satisfied by one sex or the other.

I, for example, am a very tactile and emotionally open person. I like to put my arm around a close friend as we walk, hold hands, talk about feelings and so on. If I try and of that with other guys, they quite normally think I am insane, gay, or they in some way feel uncomfortable. For this reason I have more female friends than male.

This is nothing to do with attention seeking, or flirting, or wanting to get into their underwear. It just simply is that I like emotionally open and tactile relationships with those I am close to and this is more achievable with females than males.

I am just one example. There are innumerable possible examples of things people want from their friendships that they can not get from people of the same sex.

As a random other example, maybe a girl likes chugging a few cans of beers on the couch watching the Rugby every year. Clearly male friends are commonly the stereotype to do that with as it is not often that it is a girl thing.

Each of us could make up our own examples but it is enough to point out that what each of us seeks from our friendships might not always be attainable through friends of one particular sex. There is little or no discernible truth in suggesting that all girls who seek out male friendships are doing so for the attention seeking aspect of it.

Wibbs

bullcr*p! wrote: »

It's funny because so often you see men on here complaining about 'the friend zone' and how once you enter you can't go back! They seem to forget that when they get threatened in a relationship!

Very true that.

Eve_Dublin

bullcr*p! wrote: »

The notion that some women prefer male friends to female just purely as an attention seeking measure is absolute bull**** and highly offensive!

I'm female and the majority of my friends are male (both gay and straight). Why? Because I dont consider myself a girly girl in the typical sense of the word. I don't read women's magazines, I don't do the fake tan, nails, hair extensions thing, I don't like romcoms or chicklit and I certainly don't obsess about my boyfriend and talk about him ad nauseum like some of my female friends do. When I hang out with my female friends, more often than not we are discussion relationships, beauty tips, or 'the bitch at work.' This stuff does not interest me!

I love sport - love GAA, rugby, even football. I love a pint of Guinness and not cocktails. I love old mans pubs and hate flashly places where all women are dressed to impress trying to fight for the scraps that are single men (and that works both ways). I love politics and current affairs, good documentaries, Top Gear, and books that many women won't read!

So what does that mean? It means that usually the people who have the same interests as me are men. Having said that I have one good female friend who shares my interests, which is great. However, for me the gender is irrelevant in a friendship - what's important is common interests.

Those of you saying that women only do that to seek attention are perhaps the girly girls who can't understand those of us women who don't like the same things you do! And also the men who think women should only like ultra feminine things! I really resent the attention-seeking comment. How does the possession of a vagina or penis really make a difference in terms of what constitutes a friend???? And for the record, in my 35 years of being on this planet, I have never ever hooked up with a friend or had a relationship develop from a friendship. I compartmentalise very easily, and OP your girlfriend probably does too. It's funny because so often you see men on here complaining about 'the friend zone' and how once you enter you can't go back! They seem to forget that when they get threatened in a relationship!

Anyways OP, you have jealousy and trust issues! If you don't sort them you'll never have a stable, lasting relationship. Good luck.

You´re a woman after my own heart and there´s plenty more like me. It´s the OP´s OH´s comment of not liking girls that gets me. For the same reason as yourself, these days I probably get along better with guys generally than a lot of girls I´ve met in the last few years but only by a small percentage. This is a new thing. Suddenly a lot of conversations I have with a lot of women have become ferociously boring in the late twenties/early thirties and usually revolves around boyfriends/husbands and bitcching. God some women love to bitcch BUT I´ll still never claim to not like other women because of this. They´re just not my cup of tea. There´s probably just as many men who do my head in but I´d never claim to dislike men....that would make me a man-hater. I don´t like women bandying around this comment ("I don´t like women") and I WOULD be inclined to be suspicious of them. I think that´s the point Bottle of Smoke was making...not ALL girls who prefer male company. I could be wrong.

MrBojangles66

thanks so much for the replies so far. We had a chat last night and I told her that I'm sure I have some trust issues and want to work on them. She said she understands that as she's so different to my ex girlfriend, she's going to work with me so that I can feel more comfortable.

I still don't like the "if it happens, it happens" comment though. I said it to a friend last night and they said that if anyone they were dating said that, they'd walk out the door. It just doesn't seem like the comment of a person that wants a future together.

Her comment may have been knee jerk to the heat of the moment, I would not put too much stock or worry into it. Natural human escalation in the heat of conversation.

None of us were there when this first came up so we do not know how you presented yourself either, or what way you broached the subject.

It sounds like now that you are taking a different tact of "Let us do this together" her replies will be more peaceful and useful, as will yours.

She now knows not just WHAT your issue is, but WHY too and this likely makes a lot more sense to her than whatever way you presented it before. Its a good step forward.

As I said before, the two most important things in a relationship, that few relationships can survive without, are Trust and Communication. Sounds like you have taken a great step in the latter.

LittleBook

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I still don't like the "if it happens, it happens" comment though.

She said:

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

that's part of life and ... if that happens, there's nothing you can do to stop it.

You said:

MrBojangles66 wrote: »

I have always been a believer that if someone is going to cheat, they'll do it with or without your help

What's the difference?