Invited to friends wedding, but his bride doesnt want me there

LegacyUser

Hi,

just looking for people's opinions on what they would do here. My best male friend is getting married next year. He lives abroad, so we rarely get to see each other and sometimes can go for ages without even speaking, but we are still really close and i miss him a lot. Anyway, he wants me to go to the wedding and id love to be there on his big day and also its a rare chance to see him again.

The problem is that his fiancee is jealous of me. Ive never met her, but he told me that when we first met each other a few years ago he had feelings for me. He never told me at the time, but he confided about it in his now-fiancee (they werent dating at the time, but he had been friends with her for years before they got together.) So she is (understandably, i suppose) not too keen for me to be at the wedding.

He still thinks i should come, but im thinking it might be awkward. Plus, i dont really want to ruin her big day either. What do you think i should do?
I only know one of his other friends, but id be going along with my boyfriend.

Hersheys

Perhaps go visit in advance of the wedding and introduce yourself properly to the fiancee and let her see the past feelings are in the past. It would also be an opportunity to see your friend.

In all honesty, if you guys are as close as you say, you'd get a lot more out of a visit before the wedding as you could catch up properly - in a wedding situation he's not gonna have time to talk to just you... So seeing him before hand might be more fun!

coolcat63

How do you know the bride doesn't want you there? Presumably the bride and groom have discussed, and agreed upon, the invitations? Given that you're going with your partner - who must also be on the list - I don't think they'd be any problems. If in doubt ring your friend and double check first.

Kooli

I think the bride's feelings come first on this one, particularly as you guys rarely see each other.

But don't presume anything about how she feels and what she wants - have you heard that she doesn't want you there? Or do you just presume it because she was jealous of you?

If you find out she really doesn't want you there, then I think it's best not to go. Hershey's advice about a trip over before the wedding sounds like a good plan.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies.

my friend told me she wasnt too keen on having me there, but that he would talk her round. I dont see how he is going to talk her into wanting me there, rather that she'll just put up with it i imagine....and i dont really want her to have to suffer my presence on her wedding day.

niceoneted

I think if it is possible can you visit them well before the wedding - obviously if they are in oz or the likes it might not be possible or perhaps if it is you could do the whole big holiday on that meeting and then go for a quick visit for the wedding spending maybe more time in the likes of asia on the return.

I disagree with the poster who says it is her day - it is there day and therefore both should have who they want there. If it is a case that she doesn't want you there that is childish as she doesn't even know you.

GO Go Go and be with your friend and catch up with him.

Ickle Magoo

Did your friend really say something along the lines of "Come anyway, to hell if the bride doesn't like it..." because I think that really does put you in a really awkward spot - and it's pretty cowardly of your friend. The bottom line is it is his day too and if he wants you there then he has to sort that out with his bride and then present you with an invite from both of them, with no baggage or worries or stress for you.

Before booking anything, I'd be making sure that the situation is well and truly clear and even ask to speak to herself on the phone and have a good chat. The last thing you want to do is turn up before the big day and cause conflict between bride and groom, I don't think either will thank you for it.

Best of luck.

kjl

TBH on, I know its like sucking a bag of lemons, but I think it would just be worse if you went.

You don't see the guy anymore, let it be and move on. It's her day and trust me, you do not want to be the cause of any conflict on the wedding day.

I would tell him a work thing has come up, but you would love to meet up with them another time when things aren't so hectic.

SarahSassy

Well you have to decide who is your loyalty to? Its obviously your friend and if he wants you there then you should be there.

Sad days when his fiance obviously doesnt trust him yet she is marrying him... Not good.

SS

PS why did he tell you she doesnt want you there???? He must have known the problems it would cause..... Very bizarre and I dont understand his motivation. It was also very childish of him to tell you.

Sleepy

Go and bring a better looking than the groom date

Thumpette

Dont go. Its understandable if she does feel a little bit threatened and it would put a damper on her day. Like others have said make an excuse for now and maybe arrange to meet them both later after the wedding is all over

gazzer

I would go. It is your friends day as well. He is your best friend. How would he feel if you didnt go? I dont see why the bride should feel threatened. Afterall your friend is marrying her. Does she think he is going to take one look at you and do a runner from the church? She needs to stop being so petty. People grow up and move on.

SarahSassy

Thumpette wrote: »

Dont go. Its understandable if she does feel a little bit threatened and it would put a damper on her day. Like others have said make an excuse for now and maybe arrange to meet them both later after the wedding is all over

No way - she is acting like a prima donna.... Thats bad form on the bride's behalf and hopefully not an omen for their married life ahead...

Still cant figure why he told the OP....

Kimia

Is it really cynical of me to think that he told her to prompt some sort of response from her? As in 'well actually she does have a reason to worry because I'm in love with you too!' etc

I really don't understand why else he would have told the OP.

ziedth

I would also go OP,

I for one would regret not going more then going and having a bad time.

SarahSassy

Kimia wrote: »

Is it really cynical of me to think that he told her to prompt some sort of response from her? As in 'well actually she does have a reason to worry because I'm in love with you too!' etc

I really don't understand why else he would have told the OP.

I agree..... Thats what I thought. Maybe a last ditch attempt to get some indication of how the OP feels.

Kimia

Bad form, poor bride. Why else would he say to her? The alternative is that he's a bit of a drama queen so neither option is good.

I don't see what's so unreasonable on the bride's part. It's not that she thinks the groom is going to run off with this girl, but it's just uncomfortable. I wouldn't invite a guy I used to have feelings for (and told my OH about it) to my wedding. It's not fair. The bride clearly does not want you there, so why you'd go somewhere you weren't wanted is beyond me. Don't ruin the poor girl's big day to make a point. You can see your friend another time.

SarahSassy

But she will miss her friends wedding day and he wants her there (for whatever reason)

Surely if you are secure in your partner you wont care who he used to have feelings for.

Malari

SarahSassy wrote: »

But she will miss her friends wedding day and he wants her there (for whatever reason)

Surely if you are secure in your partner you wont care who he used to have feelings for.

This line is always trotted out, like the only reason you could possibly feel uncomfortable is that you are jealous and insecure.

The husband-elect is being a little inconsiderate I think, and if I knew I wasn't really welcome somewhere (at any party) I sure as hell wouldn't be going.

Kimia

I don't think the groom is being respectful to his soon to be bride to be honest. He's making her out to be unreasonable and appears to care more about his best girlfriends feelings than hers which would irritate and upset me if it was my fiance.

twinQuins

Salvatore Late Body wrote: »

Don't ruin the poor girl's big day

It's the groom's big day too...

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a friend there. Perhaps his fianceé should realise that married life is about compromise, not one side putting the foot down and always getting their way.
What's next? He'll no longer be able to contact her? Will he have to cut off all ties to any female friend he might have had feelings for?

Strikes me as the jealous type, tbh.

This line is always trotted out, like the only reason you could possibly feel uncomfortable is that you are jealous and insecure

What other reason could there be?

Malari

Morkarleth wrote: »

It's the groom's big day too...

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a friend there. Perhaps his fianceé should realise that married life is about compromise, not one side putting the foot down and always getting their way.
What's next? He'll no longer be able to contact her? Will he have to cut off all ties to any female friend he might have had feelings for?

Strikes me as the jealous type, tbh.



What other reason could there be?

He's marrying her! Whatever "type" she is, he's clearly aleady accepted it. You're making a lot of assumptions about the bride putting her foot down. I just think if someone feels uncomfortable about someone, their partner should respect that. You don't have to like everyone and if you don't like a member of the same sex, it's not always because of jealousy!

SarahSassy

Malari wrote: »

I just think if someone feels uncomfortable about someone, their partner should respect that.

Not when its for no reason - its just manipulative and remember the groom had feelings for her but its OP who is being punished by the bride....

twinQuins

Malari wrote: »

He's marrying her! Whatever "type" she is, he's clearly aleady accepted it. You're making a lot of assumptions about the bride putting her foot down. I just think if someone feels uncomfortable about someone, their partner should respect that.

Why should she not respect her partner's wishes to have the OP there?

You don't have to like everyone and if you don't like a member of the same sex, it's not always because of jealousy!

And if the groom didn't have feelings for the OP in the past you would have a point.

Malari

SarahSassy wrote: »

Not when its for no reason - its just manipulative and remember the groom had feelings for her but its OP who is being punished by the bride....

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think it's a little inconsiderate of the groom. If it was any other occasion but their wedding, I would encourage the bride to meet the friend, but can you not see that the wedding day could make her feel jittery, especially when he wants to invite an old flame.

Malari

Morkarleth wrote: »

Why should she not respect her partner's wishes to have the OP there?



And if the groom didn't have feelings for the OP in the past you would have a point.

But that's my point - you are never allowed just dislike, or feel a bit uneasy or discomfort about a partner's ex. It's always jealousy. I don't think that's always the case. I guess people feel differently about that, which is why the groom thinks the bride won't be bothered by it.

Incidentally, I would feel the same about a partner's ex/someone he had feelings for, or my own ex/someone I had feelings for - it's just a bit weird at a wedding.

SarahSassy

unregistered wrote: »

The problem is that his fiancee is jealous of me. Ive never met her, but he told me that when we first met each other a few years ago he had feelings for me. He never told me at the time, but he confided about it in his now-fiancee (they werent dating at the time, but he had been friends with her for years before they got together.) So she is (understandably, i suppose) not too keen for me to be at the wedding.

.

It looks like she has been told the bride is jealous and they never get to see each other... Its not like they have met and disliked each other - come on.... She doesnt want the girl there because of a crush the groom had on her years ago before the bride and groom we even an item. On top of that the OP didnt even know....

LegacyUser

I find this strange. You have never met the bride and yet you know she is jealous of you. Who originally told you this? Was it your friend?
To be honest while the bride may be being unreasonable I think the groom is being a tool. If I thought the man I was marry was inviting someone to our wedding that he knew I didn't want there and basically saying to that person behind my back 'Come anyway, to hell with her feelings' I'd be very angry and upset. Not because of inviting you but because it is belittling and disrespectful to the person you are marrying.
Like others have said maybe call around before the wedding and make proper introductions and go from there. You won't really get to see much of you friend on the day of the wedding anyway as he will be busy so it won't be a chance to catch up.

PopUp

Morkarleth wrote: »

Strikes me as the jealous type, tbh.

Maybe she is but her wedding day isn't the time for her to learn a lesson about immaturity. And the OP, a girl who has never even met her, isn't the person to take on the responsibility of teaching her that lesson.

Ought she to welcome a girl her OH was in love with with open arms? Sure. But if she isn't able, she isn't able, and the OP showing up like Rachel in Friends is just obnoxious on her (the OP's) part.

If her OH wants her to get over his feelings for the OP, he needs to handle that himself and not bring the OP into it. Confiding in the OP in this way, behind his fiancee's back, is not on. It's unfair on the OP and it makes the fiancee's concern that he might not be totally over the OP seem a little reasonable.

OP visit them before the wedding if you can, but if you can't, I'd stay away from the wedding. Nothing but drama awaits.

twinQuins

PopUp wrote: »

Maybe she is but her wedding day

Their wedding day.

isn't the time for her to learn a lesson about immaturity. And the OP, a girl who has never even met her, isn't the person to take on the responsibility of teaching her that lesson.

I never said, nor implied, such a thing.

Ought she to welcome a girl her OH was in love with with open arms? Sure. But if she isn't able, she isn't able

Sorry, that's not good enough. As an adult she should be above such things. Perhaps she should look inward before she starts causing problems for others.

If her OH wants her to get over his feelings for the OP, he needs to handle that himself and not bring the OP into it. Confiding in the OP in this way, behind his fiancee's back, is not on. It's unfair on the OP and it makes the fiancee's concern that he might not be totally over the OP seem a little reasonable.

I don't see how. He said it to his fianceé that he had feelings, why would he do that if he wanted to get back with the OP? Sounds more like he just wanted her to know the truth.

PopUp

Morkarleth wrote: »

I never said, nor implied, such a thing

I never suggested you did. But it's what the OP showing up at this wedding would mean.

Yes the bride is being childish and insecure. Perhaps her OH is encouraging this behaviour by confiding in the "best friend" he hasn't seen in years behind her back. Or perhaps it's totally unwarranted.

But we can't advise the groom. We can only advise the OP and for her to show up at the wedding on the basis of 'screw the bride, she's being immature' would be incredibly obnoxious on her part. A wedding is not the time to teach someone a lesson. And a girl who's never even met her should not take on the responsibility of doing that.

LegacyUser

Op - I was in a similar situation. A very good long time guy fried of mine who now lives quite far away was getting married a couple years ago. He and I had actually dated on and off for a while and had stayed good friends although we didn't see each other often. Once he started getting serious with his then girlfriend (now wife) I backed off a bit in how often we talked and what we talked about - it became more superficial. I met his fiance once and she could see the bond we had (we just have a natural chemistry - not sexual) and I could tell it was hard for her to see. After that I backed way off - only superficial chit chat with him and mostly just on Facebook. He invited me to the wedding and said she was fine with it. I went and while it was great to see him - it was a little awkward. Every time I spoke to him the bride ran over to us from wherever she was to join our conversation. She really didn't want me 'alone' with him at all. Like others said - there really wasn't time to visit anyways and I spent my time trying to not give off any vibes / actions that would be threatening / uncomfortable to her in any way. If I could live it over - would I go - probably not. Instead I'd have arranged to see them a couple weeks before (the week before the wedding is often crazy busy) or after.

LegacyUser

My god! This sounds like an episode of friends. You should be there for your friend you are with your boyfriend. I wouldn't make any effort to re-assure her like other posters suggested that isn't your responsibility you have been invited by your friend, trust me she will be otherwise occupied. You will be a small blip on her radar.

R.D. aka MR.D

If I was in the position I would not go.

How much time will you actually get with your friend at the wedding?

It seems strange that your friend told you about this... what was his reason to do so?

Recently I was involved in a wedding where everyone at the wedding wanted me in all the photos etc except the bride. She doesn't like me. Instead of making her feel annoyed that i was in her photos I just hid in the lobby until the picture taking portion was over.

Yes it is their day. His AND Hers. So in my opinion you can't ignore her feelings entirely.
Saying that I wonder is that really her feelings or is your friend exaggerating to meet his own ends...

MissHoneyBun

Essentially, this is the couple's problem if they can't resolve who they want and don't want at their wedding. The OP hasn't done anything to warrant any of this crap and unfortunately their conflicting issue has been made hers by telling her. People need to grow up and cop on to themselves (in this case the bride and groom) and stop enforcing their personal problems on to third parties. It's messy and undignified.

Also, if they haven't mastered the basics of a good relationship (honesty, trust, compromise) by now, they're hardly the best candidates for marriage. They would also do well to realise that potential wedding guests aren't just accessories for the day but actual people with feelings.

whatsamsn

Some harsh reality is probably needed.


Op, forget about this friend. Harsh I know. But the only reason why he mentioned it to you was because he was hoping you would turn around and just say you wouldnt go (making things easier)

And also, she's soon to be his wife. If she is uncomfortable with you attending the wedding, heck its sure as set in stone she'll put her foot down to you two having contact. You said contact could be thin at times. Trust me, it would get thinner.



Best advice is to not goto the wedding. You're not welcome by her... But the guy could of stood up and said "but shes my friend" ... he didnt. This whole talk her into it is BS. He would of just talked her into it in the first place. So sadly, forget about him. You know where things stand.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here,

thanks for all the replies - lot of food for thought.
Ive been mulling over what to do - i think ideally it would be great to visit them before the wedding like some posters have said. Money is kind of tight at the moment, so ill have to see if thats possible.

But if i dont get to meet her beforehand and show her that im not a bad person, then i think ill forego the wedding. Im one of those people who hates it if someone dislikes me anyway (lame i know, lol) - so i think id be really uncomfortable the whole time worrying about what she thinks of me, if she's badmouthed me to other people at the wedding etc etc.

Plus, my friend has also told me that big weddings arent really his thing, he is just going along with it for the bride's sake. I think he'd prefer a quieter affair, so this whole wedding party seems to be a bigger deal to her, in which case i think ill respect her wishes on this one and stay away. And not having seen him for so long, id love a chance to hang out with him properly and his wedding isnt the time for that.

Miss UnReg wrote: »

I find this strange. You have never met the bride and yet you know she is jealous of you. Who originally told you this? Was it your friend?

to clarify this, i havent met the bride or spoke to her. I spoke to my friend (her fiance) online and he told me about her being jealous. When i asked why, he spilled the beans on how he used to like me back in the day...which was the first i'd heard of it.

Kimia

What a d*ck. He confessed his feelings for you for what reason? To get a reaction out of you? To get you to stay away from the wedding in a roundabout way?

Whatever. I don't envy his bride tbh.

WesternNight

unregistered wrote: »

When i asked why, he spilled the beans on how he used to like me back in the day...which was the first i'd heard of it.

As others have mentioned, I'd be very wary of his motivation for telling you this. Even if it isn't in order to get some kind of reaction/confession of love out of you, it's quite disrespectful of him to tell you anything about his fiancée's feelings on the matter.

It's so easy for him to say "ah she's just jealous", making his fiancée out to be some kind of irrational bridezilla. It's entirely possible that she knows him well enough to know when she has reason to worry. It wouldn't be the OP she's worried about, as such...and wouldn't be punishing her for the sake of it. It would be the fiancé she doesn't trust.

Basically it doesn't bode well for them as a couple. And I think, OP, you should just keep out of it because it could end up being you who's lynched when you've done nothing wrong.

SarahSassy

But if she knows him well enough to have reason to worry then why is she marrying him?

LegacyUser

WesternNight wrote: »

And I think, OP, you should just keep out of it because it could end up being you who's lynched when you've done nothing wrong.

+ 1000000!

I think there's a lot more going on in the background than meets the eye, as others have said. Your friend doesn't sound like he's the most mature, telling you he had feelings for you is suspect. And to say he doesn't care what his fiancee thinks if you come is unbelievably disrespectful towards the woman he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, she'll be called the drama queen/bridezilla and other derogatory terms usually reserved for brides, when all along it looks like her fiance is winding her up.

Stay well away, he's looking for a way out of the marriage without getting his hands dirty.

implausible

God, yer man's very immature. He's a bit too fond of 'sharing' and seems to have watched too many rom-coms. He shared with you that he used to fancy you, he's shared with his fiancé that he used to fancy you and he's now sharing with you that she's uncomfortable. To be honest, he sounds selfish, not giving a thought to the position he's putting either you or his fiancé in.

Should you go? That depends. If you and your boyfriend want a holiday somewhere nice that also takes in an old friend's wedding, go for it. If there's a gang of mutual friends going and it'd be good craic, go. However, if you're only going to 'be there' for your friend, not only will it be tense (his fault), you'll only get to talk to him for a few minutes anyway, so I wouldn't bother. Send a nice present and arrange to have dinner the next time they are in the country.

WesternNight

SarahSassy wrote: »

But if she knows him well enough to have reason to worry then why is she marrying him?

Not everyone is as sensible as they should be.

LegacyUser

It's more important for the bride to enjoy her day than for you to enjoy yourself. Have a little respect and be unselfish on this one. Go meet your friend on another occasion that isn't his wedding day. It may seem silly but it is the bride's big day, not yours, and on this occasion her wishes really should come first.

I don't agree entirely with her having a problem with you when you haven't done anything wrong and have your own boyfriend who you would take with you, but I certainly wouldn't want to be the person to upset someone or make them feel uncomfortable on what could be one of the biggest occasions in their life.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest OP, I'd start "phasing out" this friend if I was you!!

He sounds like a bit of a drama queen. And very untrustworthy! I would HATE to think that my husband would be telling his friends about my insecurities (if I had any !:D) And especially if it was a situation like yours. I would see it as a real betrayal... I'm guessing he hasn't told his fiancée that he told you she was jealous and didn't want you there! (or maybe he's really THAT stupid, that he did... if he has/does I'll be guessing there'll be NO wedding invitations to anyone!!)

He's not a nice friend. He doesn't value the people he's supposed to care... don't ever confide anything personal in him.. he won't keep it to himself.. and will probably tell the most inappropriate person possible!


EDIT: Oh, and start the "phasing out" by ticking the "Won't be attending" box on the RSVP!